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The People vs. Ronald McDonald

By John Breneman

A New York man is suing four leading fast food chains, claiming their fat-laden products made him obese ... and possibly ignorant as well. Caesar Barber, 56, filed a drive-through lawsuit against McDonald's, Burger King, Wendy's and Kentucky Fried Chicken last Wednesday in Bronx Supreme Court.

Barber, a 5-foot-10, 272-pound maintenance worker, says fast food makers are liable for his two heart attacks -- one suffered in 1996 while inhaling a pail of KFC extra-crispy, the other in 1999 while pounding Quarter-Pounders and super-size fries.

"I really feel used and violated by Ronald McDonald. I thought I could trust that clown," said Barber, who also claims he believed Col. Sanders was a high-ranking U.S. military official who had issued a "direct order" to eat bucket after bucket of glistening, deep-fried chicken parts.

Barber said he adhered to a grease-based diet for decades, always believing it was good for him, until his doctor told him what most people with half a brain cell already know -- fast food is not very healthy.

The poor fellow was despondent -- couldn't even whack back a Wendy's triple bacon burger -- until his attorney advised him that the corporations that fattened his waistline might also fatten his wallet.

Barber further contends he contracted high blood pressure from daily Double Whoppers, high cholesterol from Sausage McMuffins, and diabetes from 4-liter tubs of orange soda. "The fast foot industry wrecked my life," he blubbered to the New York Post.

Other products that Barber has consumed because nobody warned him about possible health risks include jars of Hellman's mayonnaise, Old Spice aftershave, and peanut butter and K-Y Jelly sandwiches.

Barber, who was hit by a car on the way to a press conference announcing his lawsuit, also plans to sue General Motors for failing to post warnings that their products may cause injury if you walk in front of them.

He is also suing the makers of Craftsman tools for a head injury sustained when he knocked himself in the skull with a hammer that was not emblazoned with the words "Warning: Do Not Hit Self in Head With This Product."


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