wins Oscar, thanks Axis of Evil
By John Breneman
And the winner for Best Actor in a Geopolitical Drama is
George W. Bush in "Master and Commander: The Middle
East Side of the World."
Bush, following in the tradition of the legendary Republican
thespian Ronald Reagan, beat out Donald Rumsfeld, nominated
for his portrayal of a bellicose Cabinet official who refuses
to let international objections and shaky intelligence stop
him from waging war in "Pirates of the Mediterranean:
Curse of the Black Oil."
Looking mischievously presidential in a double-breasted Giorgio
Armani tuxedo with a red, white and blue satin bowtie and
$20,000 Bruno Magli ostrich-skin cowboy boots, Bush started
by thanking his director, Dick Cheney.
"I'd also like to thank the Axis of Evil giving me this
opportunity to rid the world of terror," said Bush, who
went on to thank his costume designer for the snappy military
flightsuit he wore in the surreal "Mission Accomplished"
sequence and script consultant Clint Eastwood for such memorable
lines as "Bring 'em on," "smoke 'em out"
and "Either you are with us or you are with the terrorists."
Warning: Do not drift off to sleep while flipping between
the Oscars and CNN.
The annual Oscars pre-awards coverage consists primarily
of stars promenading along the red carpet and smiling while
a TV pinhead poses the obligatory "What are you wearing?"
query. But just once you wish the diva draped in designer
finery would tell the whole truth.
"Well my dress is by Versace. My face is by Dr. Sergio
Scalpelli and my botox is by SkinTech Pharmaceuticals. Oh,
and my cleavage is by Dr. Tripp L.D. Gazongas. He's the best."
Tom Hanks to play "Jesus Gump"
By John Breneman
Resurrected by Mel Gibson as a Hollywood heavyweight, Jesus
is now being eyed for the title role in dozens of new projects,
including "There's Something About Mary Magdalene,"
"Guess Who's Coming to the Last Supper" and the
controversial "Last Tango in Nazareth."
Tom Hanks reportedly is set to star in "Jesus Gump,"
but a source close to the universally beloved Oscar winner
said he is also reading scripts for "Sleepless in Jerusalem"
and "You've Got Nail."
Many of Hollywood's biggest stars covet a piece of the action.
Richard Gere will play a militaristic Jesus in "A Savior
and a Gentleman" and Woody Allen a neurotic, nebbishy
son of God in "Everything You Always Wanted to Know About
Crucifixion But Were Afraid to Ask."
Gibson's "The Passion of the Christ" has stirred
passionate criticism that his portrayal of blood-thirsty Jews
is anti-Semitic. But the Aussie filmmaker dismisses the charges,
saying the same thing happened with "Schindler's Grocery
List," "Who Framed Roger Rabbi?" and Dr. Seuss's
"The Cat in the Yarmulke."
Other religious leaders have made favorable comments.
Pope John Paul II gave the film two thumbs up, saying, "It
is as it was
only with bitchin' special effects."
"Fast Times at Bethlehem High"
There is now some question as to whether the Pope actually
made the remark or was just signaling for another jumbo popcorn
and some Milk Duds, but his publicist said John Paul II is
excited about making his big-screen debut opposite Burt Reynolds
in the free-wheeling buddy film "Smokey and the Pontiff."
Also according to the Tinsel Town grapevine, Oliver Stone
will direct the story of a long-suffering Vietnam vet in "Born
on the 25th of December" and Sean Penn is on board as
a cool surfer Jesus in "Fast Times at Bethlehem High."
Other big names attached to Jesus projects include Madonna
in "Desperately Seeking Salvation," Quentin Tarantino
in the ultra-violent "Reservoir Gods" and Gene Wilder
in the madcap comedy "Start the Resurrection Without
The busy son of God will also battle B-movie forces of evil
in "Jesus vs. Godzilla" and heal America's ailing
democracy in the Capra-esque "Mr. Christ Goes to Washington."
Meanwhile the controversy surrounding Gibson's vision of Jesus
Christ, box-office superstar, promises to help make the film
a mega-hit, but Tinsel Town insiders say it would be an altogether
different story had he not scrapped the movie's original title,
"Straight plan for the Constitution, man."
President declares war
on gay marriage
Bush strikes blow for sanctity of satire
By John Breneman
WASHINGTON -- Citing an imminent threat to his base of support
on the religious right, President Bush today called for a
constitutional amendment banning millions of people from participating
in what he called "the most fundamental institution of
"Dicking around with the sanctity of the Constitution
is the only way to nip this thing in the butt," said
When reporters began to ask him how a vow of love and commitment
between a same-sex couple threatens such relationships between
a man and a woman, the president, as expected, turned his
back and walked out of the room.
White House spokesman Scott McClellan later explained the
president is acting on solid intelligence that gay men possess
biologically incorrect weapons and are not afraid to use them.
Earlier, in an exclusive interview with the Humor Gazette,
Bush confided his belief that gay marriage threatens our way
of life because the thought of two men together "gives
me the willies." When pressed, however, Bush admitted
that daydreaming about two women gets him "a little hot,"
unless Rosie O'Donnell is involved.
Saying he is deeply troubled by the blatantly homosexual
civil disobedience taking place in San Francisco, the president
said a crackdown is needed before gay weddings spread to "real
cities" like Las Vegas and Texas.
Bush vowed he would never relent in defending America from
any threat to same-sex marriage. The sacred promise between
man and woman enjoys a staggering 50 percent success ratio,
he noted, an impressive number compared to, say, government,
where about 17 percent of all promises are fulfilled.
President Bush, who proudly counts the "sanctity of
marriage" among his favorite soundbites, blamed the crisis
on "limp-wristed activist judges" and concluded
his remarks by saying, "These people must be stopped
from pledging their unconditional love for each other before
it's too late."
Constitutional scholars say such an amendment would not necessarily
ban gay people from using the same water fountains as heterosexuals.
However, the American Civil Liberties union has expressed
concern that conservatives may seize this opportunity to outlaw
canine marriages (see related story), controversial dog-cat
weddings and any union between a man and a farm animal or