effective against sobriety
By John Breneman
A new report in the prestigious Imaginary Journal of Medicine
reveals that alcohol has been proven effective in combating
the pain and discomfort of sobriety.
A team of researchers at Dartmouth's renowned Tappa Kegga
Dei fraternity discovered that moderate to heavy consumption
of alcohol provides fast temporary relief from the mental
and emotional anguish caused by a world gone haywire with
terrorists and politicians running amok.
number of Americans suffering heightened stress and right-brain
migraines has skyrocketed under the current administration,"
said Dr. Jack Daniels of the Tennessee Bourbon Institute.
"Alcohol -- booze in layman's terms -- can produce an
effect medical professionals call 'taking the edge off' or
even induce a euphoric semi-conscious state if desired."
The study reported that medicinal use of alcohol has risen
by 40% in the year since the president toasted his war victory
with that intoxicating "Mission Accomplished" rotgut.
"Let's face it, things are looking pretty bleak. Hatred
of America has exploded. All the president's men had a role
in dragging us into a hellhole. Three shots of firewater,
administered orally, can make the world a little less horrifying,"
said Professor Glen Livet of the Foundation for Moonshine
Despite its therapeutic efficacy, alcohol consumed for medicinal
or recreational purposes may produce a range of side effects,
including but not limited to:
- Moronic behavior
- Involuntary stumbling
- Slurred speech and vocal spasm
- Loss of job
- Loss of wallet
- Loss of driver's license
- Beer belly
- Vietnam hangover
- Increased risk of yelling at the television
- Confusion about how gay weddings "threaten" traditional
- General obnoxiousness
- Genital flacidity
- Heightened use of the term "I love you, man"
By John Breneman
Ever feel like you wanna pop George Bush right in the kisser?
Smack that smirk off his face? Slug that smug mug?
Youd never do it for real, of course, but wouldnt
it relieve a world of tension to give President 43 the old
1-2? Land a hard left for his right-wing lunacy?
Well, now you can. At www.bushbops.com.
The bell rings and the crowd goes wild. Your mouse becomes
a fist and every punch connects. You rock him, sock him with
Bush-whacking sound effects.
In this corner
weighing in at 6-0 190 pounds
a black suit and a Shiite-eating grin
And in this corner
mad as hell at this numbskull and not gonna
take it anymore
Its wholesome, harmless fun. Take a couple shots. Biff!
Pow! Give him an uppercut for letting us down. Then click-click
your mouse/fist for a barrage of blows, as you pound his piehole,
his thorax and malignant
A lot of people want to Beat Bush these days,
some of them literally. So if you really want to get physical
you can order
the presidential punching bag for $24.95 and hammer the bum
below the belt like his henchmen have done to John Coulda
Been a Contender Kerry.
But wait, theres more! You can dope slap this dope
for bungling us into war. Whack him for whacking taxes on
the rich. Smack him for being an evasive, unethical sonofabitch.
Bush hid from the fighting in Vietnam, but he cant
duck you. Hit him with a haymaker for being a WMD
wiseacre. Give him an ugly shiner to match the one
America now has in the eyes of the world.
No boxing experience necessary. Bring
New poll finds Jacko is wacko
Jackson spent much of the week tweaking his legal team, his
entourage and of course his appearance. The embattled pop
star said his new "Extreme Patriotic Makeover" is
intended to show solidarity with "my fans fighting in
the bad and dangerous war."
Jackson, who pleaded not guilty Friday to 10 counts of "Beat
It" with a minor, dumped his attorneys saying he felt
more comfortable being represented by "someone with long
silky white hair." In other legal developments, Jackson
insisted he could not be tried as an adult because he is actually
a cosmetically altered, anatomically disturbed little Caucasian
boy at heart. He also sought legal advice from Robert Blake
and fired five aestheticians from his nose maintenance team.
famed singer hired a ringmaster to preside over the media
circus that follows him everywhere, whether he's moonwalking
on a monster Hummer outside the courthouse or juggling Spiderman
babies on a hotel balcony. Phineas T. Elephant-Bone is a veteran
ringmaster whose clients have included Robert Downey Jr.,
Pamela Anderson and Tinky
Jackson also overhauled his entourage after seeking entourage
advice from MC Hammer. He dumped the Nation of Islam and renounced
his Muslin name (Jiggy al-Jacko) then briefly dabbled in Buddhism
before turning Catholic to fully embrace his love of "Jesus
admitted several family members back into his posse on a probationary
basis. Also back in the fold are Macauley Culkin, Emmanuel
Lewis and Pee-Wee
Herman. Newcomers include Yao-Ming, Mini-Me and an
unidentified chimp wearing a Gucci diaper.
Jackson reportedly has been spotted sipping hot chocolate
with Diana Ross. Elizabeth Taylor is said to be mulling a
photo-op. Gary Coleman is now handling security.
In a recent Humor Gazette poll, 82% of black respondents
said Jackson is white and 18% of white respondents said he
is black. Public opinion is split over whether Jackson is
a sick child molester. But 93% "strongly agree"
with the statement: "Something is terribly wrong with
the crotch-grabbing former African American known as Michael
Jackson, moonwalking that fine line between artistic genius
and perverse insanity. Poor Jacko is wacko."
denies plastic surgery escape scheme
"50 Most Insignificant People"
magazine's "What People Earn"
War hero attacked by war zero
Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry came under
enemy fire from Vice President Dick Cheney, who unleashed
a brazen daylight assault on the status of the war hero's
Cheney counted on the element of surprise, knowing that a
man who was injured fighting for freedom in Vietnam would
never expect to have his Purple Heart attacked by a guy who
blatantly ducked the war.
Pundits questioned the strategy of having a war coward question
the courage of a war hero, but political psychoanalysts say
this is just further evidence that the White House is run
by arrogant chickenhawks who think the American people are
stupid enough to buy anything they say.
Kerry did not respond by calling Cheney "a
stinking load of ass dirt," but he did call upon
President Bush to prove that he actually served in the National
Guard while hiding from Vietnam. The challenged has renewed
questions about whether the president
also evaded Boy Scout duty.
In other White House news, the Supreme Court might make Dick
Cheney spill the beans about his double-secret energy club.
Critics have sued for the release of information, saying Cheney
let energy companies and other big campaign donors help draft
energy policy designed to line their pockets.
Fortunately Cheney's hunting pal, Justice Antonin Scalia,
has refused to recuse himself from the case. No word on whether
Scalia plans to brandish his duck rifle to defend Cheney's
right to screw the public in private.
Finally, Cheney and his lifelike sidekick, President George
W. Bush, spent some of the day getting ready for their joint
appearance before the 9/11 commission. Bush sat on Cheney's
knee and practiced grinning, while Cheney stuck his meaty
paw up the back of Bush's shirt to gain control of his vocal
When asked why the two insist on appearing together before
the panel rather than individually, the president said, "Duh.
To answer their questions?" (See "Bush
in-your-faced the nation")
When asked why he refused to answer the question about why
the president and vice president insist on appearing together
before the 9/11 panel rather than individually,
the president refocused his smirk and said, "Duh. To
answer their questions?"
When asked a third time why he was insulting the American
people by pretending not to understand a simple question they'd
like to hear answered, Bush refocused his smirk and said,
"Something will pop into my head."
President Bush marked Earth Day by announcing a new environmental
initiative with his pal Prince Bandar. Under the plan, Bandar
will whack a few pennies from the price of crude if Bush promises
to clean up any messes involving the Saudi royal family.
Meanwhile, John Kerry charged that Bush's war on the environment
will launch 21 tons more pollution into the atmosphere, trigger
millions of asthma attacks and help cause up to 100,000 premature
deaths. Kerry said Bush gutted the nation's environmental
laws with his own bare hands, raped virgin wetlands and defecated
on decades of progress made since the first Earth Day in 1970.
The president, who bombed as an oil company executive, defended
his petroleum-based ecological record during an ecosystem-op
at a Maine nature preserve. Bush, who at one point seemed
to confuse the terms "E. Coli" and "e-cology,"
made a fake promise to restore and protect 3 million acres
of wetlands then relaxed by burning up the waters off Kennebunkport
in his dad's cigarette boat.
about the threat of mercury, Bush said his intelligence shows
Mercury is not a threat because it has no weapons of mass
destruction. He added that if he thought it would buy him
a couple thousand votes, he'd pledge to put a man on Mercury
Bush explained that environmental protection plays a key
role in our economic and political system. By whining for
laws regulating pollution, environmentalists spur a multibillion-dollar
industry funded by energy lobbyists funneling cash to politicians
who will keep the world safe for Arctic degradation.
Critics claim the president, an "environmental retard"
who has let corporate super-polluters rewrite the nation's
environmental laws, is drooling to drill up the Arctic National
But Bush countered that opponents of unrestrained drilling
are not very patriotic. "We must always take clean air
and water for granted," the president concluded, "and
stay the course against environmental extremists who threaten
our oil supply."
Day 2002: Bush declares War on Environment
President tells nation,
'I'm sure something
will pop into my head'
By John Breneman
Make no mistake. Gathering threat. Must not waver. Stay
His Tuesday night press conference was going along just fine.
The president had successfully ducked one question about whether
he'd made any "errors in judgment" and dodged another
about "personal responsibility for September 11th."
He in-your-faced the nation by playing the dunce, twice,
when asked clearly and directly why he and the vice president
insist on appearing before the 9/11 Commission together instead
George W. Bush had wisely chosen to field questions from
the East Room of the White House instead of from the deck
of an aircraft carrier in front of a giant "Mission Accomplished"
banner. And when Uncle Dick picked out the evening's attire,
the famous military flightsuit was tucked deep in the White
House play closet.
President Bush did not waver from his message while he stayed
the course. There was no talk of outsourcing the fighting
to India if the violence does not abate.
He even answered a question on the minds of many. "Mr.
President, who will we be handing the Iraqi government over
to on June 30th?"
BUSH (actual words): "We'll find that out soon. That's
what Mr. Brahimi is doing. He's figuring out the nature of
the entity we'll be handing sovereignty over."
See, Brahimi is on it. He's gonna let us know. No truth to
the rumor Cheney plans to sell the strife-torn nation to Halliburton
for an undisclosed sum and some quid pro quo to be named later.
Once the entity is identified and order restored it will
be safe to implement the president's time-tested economic
development strategy -- distribute generous tax breaks to
the rich and open the region to exploitation by corporate
friends with addresses in the Bahamas.
Some of the questions were kind of tough but stuff kept coming
out of his mouth. "Now is the time and Iraq is the place."
And the smirk stayed tucked away, at least until it leaked
out when he said the oil revenue stream there is "pretty
But trouble loomed ahead, a grave and gathering question.
Mr. President: "After 9-11, what would your biggest mistake
and what lessons have learned from it?"
BUSH (actual words): "I wish you'd have given me this
written question ahead of time so I could plan for it. John,
I'm sure historians will look back and say, gosh, he could've
done it better this way or that way. You know, I just -- I'm
sure something will pop into my head here in the midst of
this press conference, with all the pressure of trying to
come up with answer, but it hadn't yet.
"I hope -- I don't want to sound like I have made no
mistakes. I'm confident I have. I just haven't -- you just
put me under the spot here, and maybe I'm not as quick on
my feet as I should be in coming up with one."
And don't get him started on those weapons of mass destruction.
"They could still be there. They could be hidden, like
the 50 tons of mustard gas in a turkey farm," some of
Col. Gadhafi's leftovers found in Libya.
Stay the course. Hypothetical linguistic analysis reveals
that President Bush favors the word "course" because
it subconsciously reminds him of country club living and shooting
golf with his dad and that he favors the term "stay the
course" because it's stuck in his head from hearing Dana
Carvey poke fun at his pop.
"Stay the course" means never having to say you're
sorry, never having to answer any question you don't want
Stay the course, and you'll probably find those weapons after
all. You may even get that parade for the American liberators
you promised yourself way back when.
Make no mistake. Gathering threat. Dangerous man. Stay the
A comic bomb:
Bush slays 'em with WMD gag
By John Breneman
With a comic touch as deft as a Baghdad bombing raid, President
Bush reduced the side-splitting Iraq weapons of mass destruction
fiasco to a punchline.
The Commander-in-Cheek laughed off the world's concern about
non-existent WMDs at the 60th annual Radio & Television
Correspondents' Association dinner Wednesday night.
U.S. death toll: hundreds
Cost: untold billions
Bush's standup routine: priceless.
Too bad the families of soldiers killed in Iraq don't get
If you missed it, President Bush was showing funny pictures
and cracking jokes about them when up popped a photo of him
looking under a desk. "Those weapons of mass destruction
must be somewhere," quipped the White House wagster.
"Nope, no weapons over there
Maybe under here."
The bit unwittingly lampooned Bush's cluelessness that his
phony weapons bluster for a war that has now claimed hundreds
of U.S. lives might not be the best fodder for cornball humor
from a leader regarded in much of the world as a malevolent
Sources say Bush is planning followup jokes about some of
his other wacky stunts, like tagging the U.S. Constitution
with anti-gay grafitti, giving phony $4 billion cost estimates
for the $5.5 billion Medicare bill and sporting a flightsuit
for his side-splitting "Mission Accomplished" caper.
"Sheer comic genius," raved the respected comedian
Carrot Top, who is helping the president build an arsenal
of one-liners and witticisms of mass destruction.
John Kerry, after consulting with political humorist Al Franken,
issued a statement calling Bush "a big fat idiot."