President to appoint Iraq czar
By John Breneman
With the June 30 deadline for his make-believe transfer of
power looming, President Bush today announced he will appoint
an "Iraq czar" to help find a taker for that smoking
terror-pit of a country.
In an unrelated move, Halliburton has announced the creation
of a tax-exempt "sovereign entity" division.
Bush has vowed he won't give control of Iraq to some "Joe
al-Tikrit off the street." He said democratic elections
must be held "so Mohammed Q. Public and Mustafa Six-Pack
can taste the freedom endowed on them by our Almighty."
Freedom to vote between two men who spend millions attacking
and distorting each other's character.
Pundits say appointing a czar demonstrates the president
"means business" about completing Iraq's transformation
from a repressive dictatorship to an unstable Islamocratic
sovereign entity that doesn't mind having George Bush as its
Political historians note the czar has enjoyed a prominent
role in American politics since Thomas Jefferson was named
Independence czar in the run-up to the war with Great Britain.
Since then U.S. presidents have favored two primary strategies
to confront daunting social and political issues. One is to
declare "war" on them ("War on Poverty,"
"War on Illiteracy," etc.). The other is to appoint
With his war-mongering skills under fire, the president is
looking for a dependable czar, preferably a real consensus
builder like Newt Gingrich or Henry Kissinger.
Sources say the president likes the czar idea so much that
he plans to appoint several dozen czars in the coming weeks.
Leading candidates for the czar slots are those who have raised
$100,000 or more for the re-election effort.
The Humor Gazette has obtained the following "short
list" of potential new czar-level appointments:
Silver Bullet Czar
Consumer Confidence Czar
Remedial Education Czar
Fair and Balanced Czar
Czar Administration Czar
Prescription Drug Czar
Tax Cut Czar
Marital Sanctity Czar
Attack Ad Czar
Military Intelligence Czar
Artificial Intelligence Czar
President tells nation,
'I'm sure something
will pop into my head'
By John Breneman
Make no mistake. Gathering threat. Must not waver. Stay
His Tuesday night press conference was going along just fine.
The president had successfully ducked one question about whether
he'd made any "errors in judgment" and dodged another
about "personal responsibility for September 11th."
He in-your-faced the nation by playing the dunce, twice,
when asked clearly and directly why he and the vice president
insist on appearing before the 9/11 Commission together instead
George W. Bush had wisely chosen to field questions from
the East Room of the White House instead of from the deck
of an aircraft carrier in front of a giant "Mission Accomplished"
banner. And when Uncle Dick picked out the evening's attire,
the famous military flightsuit was tucked deep in the White
House play closet.
President Bush did not waver from his message while he stayed
the course. There was no talk of outsourcing the fighting
to India if the violence does not abate.
He even answered a question on the minds of many. "Mr.
President, who will we be handing the Iraqi government over
to on June 30th?"
BUSH (actual words): "We'll find that out soon. That's
what Mr. Brahimi is doing. He's figuring out the nature of
the entity we'll be handing sovereignty over."
See, Brahimi is on it. He's gonna let us know. No truth to
the rumor Cheney plans to sell the strife-torn nation to Halliburton
for an undisclosed sum and some quid pro quo to be named later.
Once the entity is identified and order restored it will
be safe to implement the president's time-tested economic
development strategy -- distribute generous tax breaks to
the rich and open the region to exploitation by corporate
friends with addresses in the Bahamas.
Some of the questions were kind of tough but stuff kept coming
out of his mouth. "Now is the time and Iraq is the place."
And the smirk stayed tucked away, at least until it leaked
out when he said the oil revenue stream there is "pretty
But trouble loomed ahead, a grave and gathering question.
Mr. President: "After 9-11, what would your biggest mistake
and what lessons have learned from it?"
BUSH (actual words): "I wish you'd have given me this
written question ahead of time so I could plan for it. John,
I'm sure historians will look back and say, gosh, he could've
done it better this way or that way. You know, I just -- I'm
sure something will pop into my head here in the midst of
this press conference, with all the pressure of trying to
come up with answer, but it hadn't yet.
"I hope -- I don't want to sound like I have made no
mistakes. I'm confident I have. I just haven't -- you just
put me under the spot here, and maybe I'm not as quick on
my feet as I should be in coming up with one."
And don't get him started on those weapons of mass destruction.
"They could still be there. They could be hidden, like
the 50 tons of mustard gas in a turkey farm," some of
Col. Gadhafi's leftovers found in Libya.
Stay the course. Hypothetical linguistic analysis reveals
that President Bush favors the word "course" because
it subconsciously reminds him of country club living and shooting
golf with his dad and that he favors the term "stay the
course" because it's stuck in his head from hearing Dana
Carvey poke fun at his pop.
"Stay the course" means never having to say you're
sorry, never having to answer any question you don't want
Stay the course, and you'll probably find those weapons after
all. You may even get that parade for the American liberators
you promised yourself way back when.
Make no mistake. Gathering threat. Dangerous man. Stay the
Bunny held for questioning
By John Breneman
U.S. counter-terrorism officials would neither confirm nor
deny that the Easter Bunny is being held for questioning about
a clandestine overnight operation that exposed the nation's
children to countless tons of teeth-rotting weapons of mass
confection on Sunday.
But sources close to the floppy-eared holiday icon claim
he is being interrogated in a cramped mesh-bottom cage in
Guantanamo Bay. The charges: periodontal terrorism and 52
million counts of contributing to the obesity of a minor.
The alleged incarceration of the Easter Bunny (aka Peter
Cotton-Tail) has already become politicized. Critics charge
that the Bush administration was slow to guard against the
threat that gut-busting quantities of chocolate might be deployed,
on a sacred religious holiday no less, despite a March 6 Presidential
Daily Briefing (PDB) entitled "Easter Bunny determined
to strike in U.S."
"We should have been on pastel alert," said White
House heckler Adolf W. Bush. "The president should have
been more vigilant about the national obesity epidemic that
makes our soft underbelly particularly vulnerable to, say,
a giant milk chocolate rabbit, fistfuls of jelly beans or
a gaggle of glistening marshmallow peeps."
But National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice appeared on
Oprah, Regis and Saturday Night Live to defend the president,
saying, "No one could have imagined terrorists using
candy as a weapon."
Rice admitted there was some heightened chatter in the months
leading up to Easter, but most of it non-specific fragments
like "Hippity hop bunny trail," "dye, eggs,
dye" and "mother of all chocolate Jesuses."
A comic bomb:
Bush slays 'em with WMD gag
By John Breneman
With a comic touch as deft as a Baghdad bombing raid, President
Bush reduced the side-splitting Iraq weapons of mass destruction
fiasco to a punchline.
The Commander-in-Cheek laughed off the world's concern about
non-existent WMDs at the 60th annual Radio & Television
Correspondents' Association dinner Wednesday night.
U.S. death toll: hundreds
Cost: untold billions
Bush's standup routine: priceless.
Too bad the families of soldiers killed in Iraq don't get
If you missed it, President Bush was showing funny pictures
and cracking jokes about them when up popped a photo of him
looking under a desk. "Those weapons of mass destruction
must be somewhere," quipped the White House wagster.
"Nope, no weapons over there
Maybe under here."
The bit unwittingly lampooned Bush's cluelessness that his
phony weapons bluster for a war that has now claimed hundreds
of U.S. lives might not be the best fodder for cornball humor
from a leader regarded in much of the world as a malevolent
Sources say Bush is planning followup jokes about some of
his other wacky stunts, like tagging the U.S. Constitution
with anti-gay grafitti, giving phony $4 billion cost estimates
for the $5.5 billion Medicare bill and sporting a flightsuit
for his side-splitting "Mission Accomplished" caper.
"Sheer comic genius," raved the respected comedian
Carrot Top, who is helping the president build an arsenal
of one-liners and witticisms of mass destruction.
John Kerry, after consulting with political humorist Al Franken,
issued a statement calling Bush "a big fat idiot."
Going on a travel
vacation can be exciting but one should organize it properly
and book hotels
in advance. One other thing one should take care of is the
weather specially if you are going for a ski