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Democracy R Us planned for Iraq
John Breneman As the clock tick, tick,
ticks toward the June 30 transfer of power to a pseudo-sovereign
Iraq, President Bush laid out a five-point plan to boost his bum
Apart from some creative pronunciation of those pesky
Ghraib," the embattled CEO of Democracy R Us did not
waver from reciting each word that had been written for him. (Good
news about Abu, Bush aims to demolish the notorious torture house
and Halliburton has stepped up to do the job for just $1.2 billion.)
Iraq's conversion to a Halliburton-based economy will
be aided by a transitional Iraqi government comprised of guys who
don't mind having a terrorist bull's eye painted on their headgear.
National elections will come soon enough. But first
it is vital to teach Iraqi politicians how to divert millions into
their campaign war-chests and slime their opponents with negative
ads. Presidential candidates will also need seminars on how to exploit
family connections and use the Supreme Court to seize power.
The president's speech underscored his recent gibberish
tarring people who oppose his war as racists who "don't believe
that people whose skin color may not be the same as ours can be
free and self-govern." (Too bad he botched his slur by implying
that when you speak of skin color in America "ours" equals
complete quote here.)
Supporters say Bush's credibility in handling
the war is heightened now that he has been wounded in the line of
duty. He's not bragging about it, but the president received a Purple
Chin after the bicycle he was piloting was brought down by some
rogue freedom-hating loose soil. (Undaunted, Bush reportedly leapt
up and asked if the crash could be linked in any way to Saddam Hussein.)
His battle wounds patched and powdered, President
Bush said, "A free Iraq will always have a friend in
the United States of America." As a bonus, they get a new Big
Brother too. The commander-in-church closed with
his traditional heavenly high note. "May God bless conservative,
heterosexual, pro-life, pro-war America."
Bush links terrorists to Newsweek
approval rating poll
Bush said today that his record-low 42% approval
rating "sends the wrong message to our troops"
and accused unpatriotic poll respondents of trying to
"weaken our resolve."
Bush would not rule out using the Patriot
Act to "smoke out" those who believe he might
have made a mistake. In his strongest statement yet about
the Newsweek survey, Bush grinned and said, "I doesn't
read Newsweek." Secretary of State Donald Rumsfeld
agreed, but acknowledged that he sometimes uses the magazine
to wipe his butt. The
New Yorker, too.
"The actions of these few bad apples
do not represent the America that I know," Bush said
of his Newsweek naysayers. The trusted advisers who feed
him his news have assured him that his approval rating
is a robust 91% among right-wing chickenhawks and Halliburton
Bush declined comment on a survey that showed
his approval rating has slipped to just 9% among people
who don't live in America and a paltry 1% among naked,
dog-leashed Iraqi detainees. The president's approval
numbers are holding firm at 0% among parents whose soldier-children
have been killed in his mistake-free war.
The good news is that Bush's approval rating
is 94% among those who believe it was a super idea to
bust into Iraq with no concern about alienating the rest
of the world, no clue that the welcome parade would be
a funeral procession, no idea that it would actually fuel
the international terrorist movement and no plan to stabilize
this ethnically and religiously complex nation and get
the hell out.
Meanwhile, a recent Humor Gazette poll asked
readers to evaluate the president in several other key
area. The results:
-- Upheaval rating - 98%
-- Funereal rating - 86%
-- Cerebral rating - 81% (among those believe
a president shouldn't trouble himself with knowledge and
-- Marsupial rating - 74% (among those who
enjoy using Photoshop to paste Bush's head onto the bodies
of koalas, wombats and Tasmanian devils)
-- Theatrical rating - 91% (among fans of
the "Mission Accomplished" and Thanksgiving
-- Grammatical rating - 93% (among people
not troubled by the "Bushisms" found at www.dubyaspeak.com)
-- Surreal rating - 100%
'No Slacker Left Behind'
Alarmed by a recent poll in which 75 percent of U.S.
teenagers identified Bush as a snotty British rock 'n' roll band
and Jesus as a shortstop for the Angels, President
Bush today unveiled a faith-based educational initiative
called "No Slacker Left Behind."
Bush plans to reinvigorate the teaching of Civics
in the nation's classrooms, having learned that students in the
same survey identified Civics as "those cars made by those
Japanese dudes." Today's young people, he said, are ignorant
about the basics of Democracy and the role of God in American politics.
"Some of these children have never even heard
of the Rebelutionary War or the Defecation of Independence,"
said the president. "Why, in my day, the teachers nurtured
our patriotism with stories of the founding fathers -- great men
like Thomas Washington
and George Jefferson."
Asserting that high school students must be taught
the obligations of citizenship and God's important role in politics
even if it means using corporal punishment, the president pledged
$120 million in funding for steel rulers to discipline those who
refuse to chant the "Pledge of Allegiance" and said accountability
could be measured using oak yardsticks.
"These kids today need to learn why it is so
vital that they exercise their right to vote for the pro-life Republican
candidate of their choice," the president continued. "Many
of them do not even realize that their God-given duty to carry a
gun begins in the womb."
Bush also suggested that grade-school children could be taught American
values using colorful "White
House Action Figures" like Ninja
Dick Cheney, Rumblin'
Rummy Rumsfeld with Kung Fu Grip.
to appoint Iraq czar
With the June 30 deadline for
his make-believe transfer of power looming, President Bush today
announced he will appoint an "Iraq czar" to help find
a taker for that smoking terror-pit of a country.
In an unrelated move, Halliburton has announced the
creation of a tax-exempt "sovereign entity" division.
Bush-Cheney host secret 9/11 conversation
President Bush invited members of the 9/11 commission
over to the White House on Thursday for a fireside chat about the
Sept. 11 tragedy.
The president, who opposed the creation of the commission,
lied that he "looked forward" to meeting with it and refused
to answer direct questions about why he insisted Vice President
Cheney be at his side, was said to be in rare form, plying the panel
with popcorn and Kool-Aid and cracking
his best weapons of mass destruction jokes.
In contrast to the commission's usual procedure, in
which participants testified publicly and under oath, Bush and Vice
President Dick Cheney sat on a loveseat in front of the fireplace
because they said they wanted the panel to see their "body
language," a disturbing subtext of smirks, whispers and Vegas-worthy
ventriloquism. The president also clutched a red folder titled "Stuff
Dick told me to say."
A Humor Gazette wiretap revealed the comedy-loving
president needed Cheney there for his straight man as he made a
joke out of "executive privilege."
The questions were pretty basic: How could you brush
off the words "Bin Laden determined to strike in U.S."?
Since you're so big on confronting imminent terror threats, do you
wish you'd heeded the Jan. 31, 2001, advice of the bipartisan Hart-Rudman
panel that you create a Homeland Security Department because a terrorist
attack was imminent?
Nothing about: How do you guys find the gumption do
question a decorated veteran's patriotism when you Iraq war-mongers
all ducked the Vietnam war? And nothing about the confluence of
conflicted interests and war profiteering.
After the questions, there was the usual small talk.
The president quipped about having thrown away his National Guard
medals, er ribbons. The veep threw in a zinger about Justice Antonin
Scalia keeping a loaded duck-hunting rifle under his robe. Then
Bush presented official White House Pez dispensers to each of the
committee members, said "Hey go easy on me in your report"
and sent them on their way.
in-your-faced the nation at suppress conference
comic bomb: Bush slays 'em with WMD gag
By John Breneman
With a comic touch as deft as a Baghdad bombing raid, President
Bush reduced the side-splitting Iraq weapons of mass destruction
fiasco to a punchline.
The Commander-in-Cheek laughed off the world's concern about
non-existent WMDs at the 60th annual Radio & Television
Correspondents' Association dinner Wednesday night.
U.S. death toll: hundreds
Cost: untold billions
Bush's standup routine: priceless.
Too bad the families of soldiers killed in Iraq don't get
If you missed it, President Bush was showing funny pictures
and cracking jokes about them when up popped a photo of him
looking under a desk. "Those weapons of mass destruction
must be somewhere," quipped the White House wagster.
"Nope, no weapons over there
Maybe under here."
The bit unwittingly lampooned Bush's cluelessness that his
phony weapons bluster for a war that has now claimed hundreds
of U.S. lives might not be the best fodder for cornball humor
from a leader regarded in much of the world as a malevolent
Sources say Bush is planning followup jokes about some of
his other wacky stunts, like tagging the U.S. Constitution
with anti-gay grafitti, giving phony $4 billion cost estimates
for the $5.5 billion Medicare bill and sporting a flightsuit
for his side-splitting "Mission Accomplished" caper.
"Sheer comic genius," raved the respected comedian
Carrot Top, who is helping the president build an arsenal
of one-liners and witticisms of mass destruction.
John Kerry, after consulting with political humorist Al Franken,
issued a statement calling Bush "a big fat idiot."
More about War President and
White House wagster George W. Bush
|Rummy is ripped
War President George W. Bush revealed
to be fib-nosed marionette
A John Kerry supporter claims to have conclusive photographic
evidence that President Bush lied about weapons of mass destruction
in Iraq. The picture was allegedly taken Saturday in Orlando,
Fla., during a 15-minute Bush stopover to bag $200,000 each
from a bunch of businessmen who want a piece of him.
As the president began fielding a question about Iraq, his
nose reportedly appeared to sprout from his face, reaching
nearly three inches as he continued on about the economy and
the real cost of Medicare.
A leading Democratic spin doctor who analyzed an X-ray of
the image said the prognosis is grim, possibly terminal, for
the Bush presidency. Dr. Dawn Key said the malignant fib-nose
may leave the president with as little as eight months to
lead. See FIB-NOSE