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Democracy R Us planned for Iraq

By John Breneman    As the clock tick, tick, ticks toward the June 30 transfer of power to a pseudo-sovereign Iraq, President Bush laid out a five-point plan to boost his bum approval rating.

Apart from some creative pronunciation of those pesky words "Abu Ghraib," the embattled CEO of Democracy R Us did not waver from reciting each word that had been written for him. (Good news about Abu, Bush aims to demolish the notorious torture house and Halliburton has stepped up to do the job for just $1.2 billion.)

Iraq's conversion to a Halliburton-based economy will be aided by a transitional Iraqi government comprised of guys who don't mind having a terrorist bull's eye painted on their headgear.

National elections will come soon enough. But first it is vital to teach Iraqi politicians how to divert millions into their campaign war-chests and slime their opponents with negative ads. Presidential candidates will also need seminars on how to exploit family connections and use the Supreme Court to seize power.

The president's speech underscored his recent gibberish tarring people who oppose his war as racists who "don't believe that people whose skin color may not be the same as ours can be free and self-govern." (Too bad he botched his slur by implying that when you speak of skin color in America "ours" equals "white." See complete quote here.)

Supporters say Bush's credibility in handling the war is heightened now that he has been wounded in the line of duty. He's not bragging about it, but the president received a Purple Chin after the bicycle he was piloting was brought down by some rogue freedom-hating loose soil. (Undaunted, Bush reportedly leapt up and asked if the crash could be linked in any way to Saddam Hussein.)

His battle wounds patched and powdered, President Bush said, "A free Iraq will always have a friend in the United States of America." As a bonus, they get a new Big Brother too. The commander-in-church closed with his traditional heavenly high note. "May God bless conservative, heterosexual, pro-life, pro-war America."

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Bush links terrorists to Newsweek approval rating poll

By John Breneman

President Bush said today that his record-low 42% approval rating "sends the wrong message to our troops" and accused unpatriotic poll respondents of trying to "weaken our resolve."

Bush would not rule out using the Patriot Act to "smoke out" those who believe he might have made a mistake. In his strongest statement yet about the Newsweek survey, Bush grinned and said, "I doesn't read Newsweek." Secretary of State Donald Rumsfeld agreed, but acknowledged that he sometimes uses the magazine to wipe his butt. The New Yorker, too.

"The actions of these few bad apples do not represent the America that I know," Bush said of his Newsweek naysayers. The trusted advisers who feed him his news have assured him that his approval rating is a robust 91% among right-wing chickenhawks and Halliburton executives.

Bush declined comment on a survey that showed his approval rating has slipped to just 9% among people who don't live in America and a paltry 1% among naked, dog-leashed Iraqi detainees. The president's approval numbers are holding firm at 0% among parents whose soldier-children have been killed in his mistake-free war.

The good news is that Bush's approval rating is 94% among those who believe it was a super idea to bust into Iraq with no concern about alienating the rest of the world, no clue that the welcome parade would be a funeral procession, no idea that it would actually fuel the international terrorist movement and no plan to stabilize this ethnically and religiously complex nation and get the hell out.

Meanwhile, a recent Humor Gazette poll asked readers to evaluate the president in several other key area. The results:

-- Upheaval rating - 98%

-- Funereal rating - 86%

-- Cerebral rating - 81% (among those believe a president shouldn't trouble himself with knowledge and clear-headed analysis)

-- Marsupial rating - 74% (among those who enjoy using Photoshop to paste Bush's head onto the bodies of koalas, wombats and Tasmanian devils)

-- Theatrical rating - 91% (among fans of the "Mission Accomplished" and Thanksgiving turkey photo-ops)

-- Grammatical rating - 93% (among people not troubled by the "Bushisms" found at

-- Surreal rating - 100%

President pledges
'No Slacker Left Behind'

Alarmed by a recent poll in which 75 percent of U.S. teenagers identified Bush as a snotty British rock 'n' roll band and Jesus as a shortstop for the Angels, President Bush today unveiled a faith-based educational initiative called "No Slacker Left Behind."

Bush plans to reinvigorate the teaching of Civics in the nation's classrooms, having learned that students in the same survey identified Civics as "those cars made by those Japanese dudes." Today's young people, he said, are ignorant about the basics of Democracy and the role of God in American politics.

"Some of these children have never even heard of the Rebelutionary War or the Defecation of Independence," said the president. "Why, in my day, the teachers nurtured our patriotism with stories of the founding fathers -- great men like Thomas Washington and George Jefferson."

Asserting that high school students must be taught the obligations of citizenship and God's important role in politics even if it means using corporal punishment, the president pledged $120 million in funding for steel rulers to discipline those who refuse to chant the "Pledge of Allegiance" and said accountability could be measured using oak yardsticks.

"These kids today need to learn why it is so vital that they exercise their right to vote for the pro-life Republican candidate of their choice," the president continued. "Many of them do not even realize that their God-given duty to carry a gun begins in the womb."

President Bush also suggested that grade-school children could be taught American values using colorful "White House Action Figures" like Ninja Dick Cheney, Rumblin' Rummy Rumsfeld with Kung Fu Grip.

President to appoint Iraq czar

With the June 30 deadline for his make-believe transfer of power looming, President Bush today announced he will appoint an "Iraq czar" to help find a taker for that smoking terror-pit of a country.

In an unrelated move, Halliburton has announced the creation of a tax-exempt "sovereign entity" division.




Bush-Cheney host secret 9/11 conversation

By John Breneman

President Bush invited members of the 9/11 commission over to the White House on Thursday for a fireside chat about the Sept. 11 tragedy.

The president, who opposed the creation of the commission, lied that he "looked forward" to meeting with it and refused to answer direct questions about why he insisted Vice President Cheney be at his side, was said to be in rare form, plying the panel with popcorn and Kool-Aid and cracking his best weapons of mass destruction jokes.

In contrast to the commission's usual procedure, in which participants testified publicly and under oath, Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney sat on a loveseat in front of the fireplace because they said they wanted the panel to see their "body language," a disturbing subtext of smirks, whispers and Vegas-worthy ventriloquism. The president also clutched a red folder titled "Stuff Dick told me to say."

A Humor Gazette wiretap revealed the comedy-loving president needed Cheney there for his straight man as he made a joke out of "executive privilege."

The questions were pretty basic: How could you brush off the words "Bin Laden determined to strike in U.S."? Since you're so big on confronting imminent terror threats, do you wish you'd heeded the Jan. 31, 2001, advice of the bipartisan Hart-Rudman panel that you create a Homeland Security Department because a terrorist attack was imminent?

Nothing about: How do you guys find the gumption do question a decorated veteran's patriotism when you Iraq war-mongers all ducked the Vietnam war? And nothing about the confluence of conflicted interests and war profiteering.

After the questions, there was the usual small talk. The president quipped about having thrown away his National Guard medals, er ribbons. The veep threw in a zinger about Justice Antonin Scalia keeping a loaded duck-hunting rifle under his robe. Then Bush presented official White House Pez dispensers to each of the committee members, said "Hey go easy on me in your report" and sent them on their way.

Bush in-your-faced the nation at suppress conference

A comic bomb: Bush slays 'em with WMD gag

By John Breneman

With a comic touch as deft as a Baghdad bombing raid, President Bush reduced the side-splitting Iraq weapons of mass destruction fiasco to a punchline.

The Commander-in-Cheek laughed off the world's concern about non-existent WMDs at the 60th annual Radio & Television Correspondents' Association dinner Wednesday night.

War on Iraq
U.S. death toll: hundreds
Cost: untold billions
Bush's standup routine: priceless.

Too bad the families of soldiers killed in Iraq don't get the joke.

If you missed it, President Bush was showing funny pictures and cracking jokes about them when up popped a photo of him looking under a desk. "Those weapons of mass destruction must be somewhere," quipped the White House wagster. "Nope, no weapons over there … Maybe under here."

The bit unwittingly lampooned Bush's cluelessness that his phony weapons bluster for a war that has now claimed hundreds of U.S. lives might not be the best fodder for cornball humor from a leader regarded in much of the world as a malevolent moron.

Sources say Bush is planning followup jokes about some of his other wacky stunts, like tagging the U.S. Constitution with anti-gay grafitti, giving phony $4 billion cost estimates for the $5.5 billion Medicare bill and sporting a flightsuit for his side-splitting "Mission Accomplished" caper.

"Sheer comic genius," raved the respected comedian Carrot Top, who is helping the president build an arsenal of one-liners and witticisms of mass destruction.

John Kerry, after consulting with political humorist Al Franken, issued a statement calling Bush "a big fat idiot."

More about War President and
White House wagster George W. Bush


Rummy is ripped
















War President George W. Bush revealed to be fib-nosed marionette

By John Breneman

A John Kerry supporter claims to have conclusive photographic evidence that President Bush lied about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. The picture was allegedly taken Saturday in Orlando, Fla., during a 15-minute Bush stopover to bag $200,000 each from a bunch of businessmen who want a piece of him.

As the president began fielding a question about Iraq, his nose reportedly appeared to sprout from his face, reaching nearly three inches as he continued on about the economy and the real cost of Medicare.

A leading Democratic spin doctor who analyzed an X-ray of the image said the prognosis is grim, possibly terminal, for the Bush presidency. Dr. Dawn Key said the malignant fib-nose may leave the president with as little as eight months to lead. See FIB-NOSE

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