By John Breneman
Ever feel like you wanna pop George Bush right in the kisser?
Smack that smirk off his face? Slug that smug mug?
Youd never do it for real, of course, but wouldnt
it relieve a world of tension to give President 43 the old
1-2? Land a hard left for his right-wing lunacy?
Well, now you can. At www.bushbops.com.
The bell rings and the crowd goes wild. Your mouse becomes
a fist and every punch connects. You rock him, sock him with
Bush-whacking sound effects.
In this corner
weighing in at 6-0 190 pounds
a black suit and a Shiite-eating grin
And in this corner
mad as hell at this numbskull and not gonna
take it anymore
Its wholesome, harmless fun. Take a couple shots. Biff!
Pow! Give him an uppercut for letting us down. Then click-click
your mouse/fist for a barrage of blows, as you pound his piehole,
his thorax and malignant
A lot of people want to Beat Bush these days,
some of them literally. So if you really want to get physical
you can order
the presidential punching bag for $24.95 and hammer the bum
below the belt like his henchmen have done to John Coulda
Been a Contender Kerry.
But wait, theres more! You can dope slap this dope
for bungling us into war. Whack him for whacking taxes on
the rich. Smack him for being an evasive, unethical sonofabitch.
Bush hid from the fighting in Vietnam, but he cant
duck you. Hit him with a haymaker for being a WMD
wiseacre. Give him an ugly shiner to match the one
America now has in the eyes of the world.
No boxing experience necessary. Bring
host 9/11 fireside chat
President Bush invited members of the 9/11 commission over
to the White House on Thursday for a fireside chat about the
Sept. 11 tragedy. The president, who opposed the creation
of the commission, lied that he "looked forward"
to meeting with it and refused to answer direct questions
about why he insisted Vice President Cheney be at his side,
was said to be in rare form, plying the panel with popcorn
and Kool-Aid and cracking his best weapons
of mass destruction jokes.
In contrast to the commission's usual procedure, in which
participants testified publicly and under oath, Bush and Vice
President Dick Cheney sat on a loveseat in front of the fireplace
because they said they wanted the panel to see their "body
language," a disturbing subtext of smirks, whispers and
Vegas-worthy ventriloquism. The president also clutched a
red folder titled "Stuff Dick told me to say." MORE
President to appoint Iraq czar
With the June 30 deadline for his make-believe transfer of
power looming, President Bush today announced he will appoint
an "Iraq czar" to help find a taker for that smoking
terror-pit of a country.
In an unrelated move, Halliburton has announced the creation
of a tax-exempt "sovereign entity" division. MORE
President Bush marked Earth Day by announcing a new environmental
initiative with his pal Prince Bandar. Under the plan, Bandar
will whack a few pennies from the price of crude if Bush promises
to clean up any messes involving the Saudi royal family.
Meanwhile, John Kerry charged that Bush's war on the environment
will launch 21 tons more pollution into the atmosphere, trigger
millions of asthma attacks and help cause up to 100,000 premature
deaths. Kerry said Bush gutted the nation's environmental
laws with his own bare hands, raped virgin wetlands and defecated
on decades of progress made since the first Earth Day in 1970.
The president, who bombed as an oil company executive, defended
his petroleum-based ecological record during an ecosystem-op
at a Maine nature preserve. Bush, who at one point seemed
to confuse the terms "E. Coli" and "e-cology,"
made a fake promise to restore and protect 3 million acres
of wetlands then relaxed by burning up the waters off Kennebunkport
in his dad's cigarette boat.
about the threat of mercury, Bush said his intelligence shows
Mercury is not a threat because it has no weapons of mass
destruction. He added that if he thought it would buy him
a couple thousand votes, he'd pledge to put a man on Mercury
Bush explained that environmental protection plays a key
role in our economic and political system. By whining for
laws regulating pollution, environmentalists spur a multibillion-dollar
industry funded by energy lobbyists funneling cash to politicians
who will keep the world safe for Arctic degradation.
Critics claim the president, an "environmental retard"
who has let corporate super-polluters rewrite the nation's
environmental laws, is drooling to drill up the Arctic National
But Bush countered that opponents of unrestrained drilling
are not very patriotic. "We must always take clean air
and water for granted," the president concluded, "and
stay the course against environmental extremists who threaten
our oil supply."
Day 2002: Bush declares War on Environment
President tells nation, 'I'm sure something
will pop into my head'
By John Breneman
Make no mistake. Gathering threat. Must not waver. Stay
His Tuesday night press conference was going along just fine.
The president had successfully ducked one question about whether
he'd made any "errors in judgment" and dodged another
about "personal responsibility for September 11th."
He in-your-faced the nation by playing the dunce, twice,
when asked clearly and directly why he and the vice president
insist on appearing before the 9/11 Commission together instead
George W. Bush had wisely chosen to field questions from
the East Room of the White House instead of from the deck
of an aircraft carrier in front of a giant "Mission Accomplished"
banner. And when Uncle Dick picked out the evening's attire,
the famous military flightsuit was tucked deep in the White
House play closet. MORE
A comic bomb:
Bush slays 'em with WMD gag
By John Breneman
With a comic touch as deft as a Baghdad bombing raid, President
Bush reduced the side-splitting Iraq weapons of mass destruction
fiasco to a punchline.
The Commander-in-Cheek laughed off the world's concern about
non-existent WMDs at the 60th annual Radio & Television
Correspondents' Association dinner Wednesday night.
U.S. death toll: hundreds
Cost: untold billions
Bush's standup routine: priceless.
Too bad the families of soldiers killed in Iraq don't get
If you missed it, President Bush was showing funny pictures
and cracking jokes about them when up popped a photo of him
looking under a desk. "Those weapons of mass destruction
must be somewhere," quipped the White House wagster.
"Nope, no weapons over there
Maybe under here."
The bit unwittingly lampooned Bush's cluelessness that his
phony weapons bluster for a war that has now claimed hundreds
of U.S. lives might not be the best fodder for cornball humor
from a leader regarded in much of the world as a malevolent
Sources say Bush is planning followup jokes about some of
his other wacky stunts, like tagging the U.S. Constitution
with anti-gay grafitti, giving phony $4 billion cost estimates
for the $5.5 billion Medicare bill and sporting a flightsuit
for his side-splitting "Mission Accomplished" caper.
"Sheer comic genius," raved the respected comedian
Carrot Top, who is helping the president build an arsenal
of one-liners and witticisms of mass destruction.
John Kerry, after consulting with political humorist Al Franken,
issued a statement calling Bush "a big fat idiot."
Malignant fib-nose may hurt
president at the polls
John Kerry supporter claims to have conclusive photographic
evidence that President Bush lied about weapons of mass destruction
in Iraq. The picture was allegedly taken Saturday in Orlando,
Fla., during a 15-minute Bush stopover to bag $200,000 each
from a bunch of businessmen who want a piece of him.
As the president began fielding a question about
Iraq, his nose reportedly appeared to sprout from his face,
reaching nearly three inches as he continued on about the
economy and the real cost of Medicare. A leading Democratic
spin doctor who analyzed an X-ray of the image said the prognosis
is grim, possibly terminal, for the Bush presidency. Dr. Dawn
Key said the malignant fib-nose may leave the president with
as little as eight months to lead. MORE