With some critics calling for him to be stripped naked and
led out of the Pentagon on a dog leash, Donald Rumsfeld stepped
up the campaign to save his skin by announcing a lavish compensation
package (including Halliburton stock options and McDonalds
gift certificates) for the victims of the Iraqi prisoner abuse
"It's the right thing to do," the embattled Secretary
of State told Congress. Poor guy. He'd never let on, of course,
but it's got to bug him the way he botched the planning and
execution of the war.
Now this horror show - set in a former Saddam hellhole, starring
part-time soldiers not trained to be prison guards and stinking
all the way to the top - may yet cost him his job as the president's
guy in charge of getting people killed.
The alleged acts at Abu Ghraib have further scarred America's
image around the globe. But Rummy's no dummy. He just spun
the breakdown in human decency under his command as an opportunity
to wow the world with another lesson on how a Democracy deals
True to his word, Rumsfeld has assembled a generous package
designed not only to salve Iraqi humiliation with material
compensation but also to symbolize all that is good about
America. Some of the items include:
- Self-esteem counseling from Dr. Phil
- Season tickets to the Texas Rangers baseball team
- Basketball lessons from noted Allah enthusiast Kareem
- Autographed copies of Bob Woodward's best-seller "Plan
- Cameos in the next Ben Affleck-Arnold Schwarzenegger film,
- Collectible "Spider-Man" action figures
- Official "I Got Abused at Abu Ghraib and All I Got
Was This Lousy T-Shirt" sportswear
- Kodak Max disposable cameras
- Nike Air Jordans (made by skilled Indonesian craftschildren)
- A Mickey Mouse photo-op at Disneyland
- A gas-guzzling Hummer with a "George Bush is a Swell
Guy" bumper sticker
- Allah-approved "Mission Accomplished" prayer mats
- "America's Funniest Prison Home Videos" on DVD
- A hand-written half-apology by Rumsfeld himself
- And samples of Levitra and Cialis to help put that spring
back in their step
announces 'No Slacker Left Behind' initiative
By John Breneman
Alarmed by a recent poll in which 75 percent
of U.S. teenagers identified Bush as a snotty British rock
'n' roll band and Jesus as a shortstop for the Angels, President
Bush today unveiled a faith-based educational initiative
called "No Slacker Left Behind."
Bush plans to reinvigorate the teaching of Civics
in the nation's classrooms, having learned that students in
the same survey identified Civics as "those cars made
by those Japanese dudes." Today's young people, he said,
are ignorant about the basics of Democracy and the role of
God in American politics.
"Some of these children have never even
heard of the Rebelutionary War or the Defecation of Independence,"
said the president. "Why, in my day, the teachers nurtured
our patriotism with stories of the founding fathers -- great
men like Thomas
Washington and George
Asserting that high school students must be
taught the obligations of citizenship and God's important
role in politics even if it means using corporal punishment,
the president pledged $120 million in funding for steel rulers
to discipline those who refuse to chant the "Pledge of
Allegiance" and said accountability could be measured
using oak yardsticks.
"These kids today need to learn why it
is so vital that they exercise their right to vote for the
pro-life Republican candidate of their choice," the president
continued. "Many of them do not even realize that their
God-given duty to carry a gun begins in the womb."
President Bush also suggested that grade-school
children could be taught American values using colorful "White
House Action Figures" like Ninja
Dick Cheney, Rumblin'
Rummy Rumsfeld with Kung Fu Grip.
Bush says terrorists are behind Newsweek approval
Bush said today that his record-low 42% approval rating
"sends the wrong message to our troops" and accused
unpatriotic poll respondents of trying to "weaken our
Bush would not rule out using the Patriot Act to "smoke
out" those who believe he might have made a mistake.
In his strongest statement yet about the Newsweek survey,
Bush grinned and said, "I doesn't read Newsweek."
Secretary of State Donald Rumsfeld agreed, but acknowledged
that he sometimes uses the magazine to wipe his butt. The
New Yorker, too.
"The actions of these few bad apples do not represent
the America that I know," Bush said of his Newsweek naysayers.
The trusted advisers who feed him his news have assured him
that his approval rating is a robust 91% among right-wing
chickenhawks and Halliburton executives.
Bush declined comment on a survey that showed his approval
rating has slipped to just 9% among people who don't live
in America and a paltry 1% among naked, dog-leashed Iraqi
detainees. The president's approval numbers are holding firm
at 0% among parents whose soldier-children have been killed
in his mistake-free war.
The good news is that Bush's approval rating is 94% among
those who believe it was a super idea to bust into Iraq with
no concern about alienating the rest of the world, no clue
that the welcome parade would be a funeral procession, no
idea that it would actually fuel the international terrorist
movement and no plan to stabilize this ethnically and religiously
complex nation and get the hell out.
Meanwhile, a recent Humor Gazette poll asked readers to evaluate
the president in several other key area. The results:
-- Upheaval rating - 98%
-- Funereal rating - 86%
-- Cerebral rating - 81% (among those believe a president
shouldn't trouble himself with knowledge and clear-headed
-- Marsupial rating - 74% (among those who enjoy using Photoshop
to paste Bush's head onto the bodies of koalas, wombats and
-- Theatrical rating - 91% (among fans of the "Mission
Accomplished" and Thanksgiving turkey photo-ops)
-- Grammatical rating - 93% (among people not troubled by
the "Bushisms" found at www.dubyaspeak.com)
-- Surreal rating - 100%
effective against sobriety
By John Breneman
A new report in the prestigious Imaginary Journal of Medicine
reveals that alcohol has been proven effective in combating
the pain and discomfort of sobriety.
A team of researchers at Dartmouth's renowned Tappa Kegga
Dei fraternity discovered that moderate to heavy consumption
of alcohol provides fast temporary relief from the mental
and emotional anguish caused by a world gone haywire with
W. Bush at the helm.
number of Americans suffering heightened stress and right-brain
migraines has skyrocketed under the current administration,"
said Dr. Jack Daniels of the Tennessee Bourbon Institute.
"Alcohol, booze in layman's terms, can produce an effect
medical professionals call 'taking the edge off' or even induce
a euphoric semi-conscious state if desired."
The study reported that medicinal use of alcohol has risen
by 40% in the year since the president toasted his war victory
with that intoxicating "Mission Accomplished" rotgut.
"Let's face it, things are looking pretty bleak. Hatred
of America has exploded. All the president's men had a role
in dragging us into a hellhole. Three shots of firewater,
administered orally, can make the world a little less horrifying,"
said Professor Glen Livet of the Foundation for Moonshine
Despite its therapeutic efficacy, alcohol consumed for medicinal
or recreational purposes may produce a range of side effects,
including but not limited to:
- Moronic behavior
- Involuntary stumbling
- Slurred speech and vocal spasm
- Loss of job
- Loss of wallet
- Loss of driver's license
- Beer belly
- Vietnam hangover
- Increased risk of yelling at the television
- Confusion about how gay weddings "threaten" traditional
- General obnoxiousness
- Genital flacidity
- Heightened use of the term "I love you, man"
By John Breneman
Ever feel like you wanna pop George Bush right in the kisser?
Smack that smirk off his face? Slug that smug mug?
Youd never do it for real, of course, but wouldnt
it relieve a world of tension to give President 43 the old
1-2? Land a hard left for his right-wing lunacy?
Well, now you can. At www.bushbops.com.
The bell rings and the crowd goes wild. Your mouse becomes
a fist and every punch connects. You rock him, sock him with
Bush-whacking sound effects.
In this corner
weighing in at 6-0 190 pounds
a black suit and a Shiite-eating grin
And in this corner
mad as hell at this numbskull and not gonna
take it anymore
Its wholesome, harmless fun. Take a couple shots. Biff!
Pow! Give him an uppercut for letting us down. Then click-click
your mouse/fist for a barrage of blows, as you pound his piehole,
his thorax and malignant
A lot of people want to Beat Bush these days,
some of them literally. So if you really want to get physical
you can order
the presidential punching bag for $24.95 and hammer the bum
below the belt like his henchmen have done to John Coulda
Been a Contender Kerry.
But wait, theres more! You can dope slap this dope
for bungling us into war. Whack him for whacking taxes on
the rich. Smack him for being an evasive, unethical sonofabitch.
Bush hid from the fighting in Vietnam, but he cant
duck you. Hit him with a haymaker for being a WMD
wiseacre. Give him an ugly shiner to match the one
America now has in the eyes of the world.
No boxing experience necessary. Bring
New poll finds Jacko is wacko
Jackson spent much of the week tweaking his legal team, his
entourage and of course his appearance. The embattled pop
star said his new "Extreme Patriotic Makeover" is
intended to show solidarity with "my fans fighting in
the bad and dangerous war."
Jackson, who pleaded not guilty Friday to 10 counts of "Beat
It" with a minor, dumped his attorneys saying he felt
more comfortable being represented by "someone with long
silky white hair." In other legal developments, Jackson
insisted he could not be tried as an adult because he is actually
a cosmetically altered, anatomically disturbed little Caucasian
boy at heart. He also sought legal advice from Robert Blake
and fired five aestheticians from his nose maintenance team.
famed singer hired a ringmaster to preside over the media
circus that follows him everywhere, whether he's moonwalking
on a monster Hummer outside the courthouse or juggling Spiderman
babies on a hotel balcony. Phineas T. Elephant-Bone is a veteran
ringmaster whose clients have included Robert Downey Jr.,
Pamela Anderson and Tinky
Jackson also overhauled his entourage after seeking entourage
advice from MC Hammer. He dumped the Nation of Islam and renounced
his Muslin name (Jiggy al-Jacko) then briefly dabbled in Buddhism
before turning Catholic to fully embrace his love of "Jesus
admitted several family members back into his posse on a probationary
basis. Also back in the fold are Macauley Culkin, Emmanuel
Lewis and Pee-Wee
Herman. Newcomers include Yao-Ming, Mini-Me and an
unidentified chimp wearing a Gucci diaper.
Jackson reportedly has been spotted sipping hot chocolate
with Diana Ross. Elizabeth Taylor is said to be mulling a
photo-op. Gary Coleman is now handling security.
In a recent Humor Gazette poll, 82% of black respondents
said Jackson is white and 18% of white respondents said he
is black. Public opinion is split over whether Jackson is
a sick child molester. But 93% "strongly agree"
with the statement: "Something is terribly wrong with
the crotch-grabbing former African American known as Michael
Jackson, moonwalking that fine line between artistic genius
and perverse insanity. Poor Jacko is wacko."
denies plastic surgery escape scheme
"50 Most Insignificant People"
magazine's "What People Earn"
President tells nation,
'I'm sure something
will pop into my head'
By John Breneman
Make no mistake. Gathering threat. Must not waver. Stay
His Tuesday night press conference was going along just fine.
The president had successfully ducked one question about whether
he'd made any "errors in judgment" and dodged another
about "personal responsibility for September 11th."
He in-your-faced the nation by playing the dunce, twice,
when asked clearly and directly why he and the vice president
insist on appearing before the 9/11 Commission together instead
George W. Bush had wisely chosen to field questions from
the East Room of the White House instead of from the deck
of an aircraft carrier in front of a giant "Mission Accomplished"
banner. And when Uncle Dick picked out the evening's attire,
the famous military flightsuit was tucked deep in the White
House play closet.
President Bush did not waver from his message while he stayed
the course. There was no talk of outsourcing the fighting
to India if the violence does not abate.
He even answered a question on the minds of many. "Mr.
President, who will we be handing the Iraqi government over
to on June 30th?"
BUSH (actual words): "We'll find that out soon. That's
what Mr. Brahimi is doing. He's figuring out the nature of
the entity we'll be handing sovereignty over."
See, Brahimi is on it. He's gonna let us know. No truth to
the rumor Cheney plans to sell the strife-torn nation to Halliburton
for an undisclosed sum and some quid pro quo to be named later.
Once the entity is identified and order restored it will
be safe to implement the president's time-tested economic
development strategy -- distribute generous tax breaks to
the rich and open the region to exploitation by corporate
friends with addresses in the Bahamas.
Some of the questions were kind of tough but stuff kept coming
out of his mouth. "Now is the time and Iraq is the place."
And the smirk stayed tucked away, at least until it leaked
out when he said the oil revenue stream there is "pretty
But trouble loomed ahead, a grave and gathering question.
Mr. President: "After 9-11, what would your biggest mistake
and what lessons have learned from it?"
BUSH (actual words): "I wish you'd have given me this
written question ahead of time so I could plan for it. John,
I'm sure historians will look back and say, gosh, he could've
done it better this way or that way. You know, I just -- I'm
sure something will pop into my head here in the midst of
this press conference, with all the pressure of trying to
come up with answer, but it hadn't yet.
"I hope -- I don't want to sound like I have made no
mistakes. I'm confident I have. I just haven't -- you just
put me under the spot here, and maybe I'm not as quick on
my feet as I should be in coming up with one."
And don't get him started on those weapons of mass destruction.
"They could still be there. They could be hidden, like
the 50 tons of mustard gas in a turkey farm," some of
Col. Gadhafi's leftovers found in Libya.
Stay the course. Hypothetical linguistic analysis reveals
that President Bush favors the word "course" because
it subconsciously reminds him of country club living and shooting
golf with his dad and that he favors the term "stay the
course" because it's stuck in his head from hearing Dana
Carvey poke fun at his pop.
"Stay the course" means never having to say you're
sorry, never having to answer any question you don't want
Stay the course, and you'll probably find those weapons after
all. You may even get that parade for the American liberators
you promised yourself way back when.
Make no mistake. Gathering threat. Dangerous man. Stay the
A comic bomb:
Bush slays 'em with WMD gag
By John Breneman
With a comic touch as deft as a Baghdad bombing raid, President
Bush reduced the side-splitting Iraq weapons of mass destruction
fiasco to a punchline.
The Commander-in-Cheek laughed off the world's concern about
non-existent WMDs at the 60th annual Radio & Television
Correspondents' Association dinner Wednesday night.
U.S. death toll: hundreds
Cost: untold billions
Bush's standup routine: priceless.
Too bad the families of soldiers killed in Iraq don't get
If you missed it, President Bush was showing funny pictures
and cracking jokes about them when up popped a photo of him
looking under a desk. "Those weapons of mass destruction
must be somewhere," quipped the White House wagster.
"Nope, no weapons over there
Maybe under here."
The bit unwittingly lampooned Bush's cluelessness that his
phony weapons bluster for a war that has now claimed hundreds
of U.S. lives might not be the best fodder for cornball humor
from a leader regarded in much of the world as a malevolent
Sources say Bush is planning followup jokes about some of
his other wacky stunts, like tagging the U.S. Constitution
with anti-gay grafitti, giving phony $4 billion cost estimates
for the $5.5 billion Medicare bill and sporting a flightsuit
for his side-splitting "Mission Accomplished" caper.
"Sheer comic genius," raved the respected comedian
Carrot Top, who is helping the president build an arsenal
of one-liners and witticisms of mass destruction.
John Kerry, after consulting with political humorist Al Franken,
issued a statement calling Bush "a big fat idiot."