This Day in Revisionist History


Kerry and Imus in 2004?

By John Breneman

Seeking to balance the 2004 Democratic ticket with someone who isn't boring as hell, John Kerry today named radio/television personality Don Imus his vice presidential running mate.

That's right. John and Don. The K-Man and the I-Man.

The two men "joked" about such a pairing this week on Imus' nationally syndicated broadcast. But the Humor Gazette has learned they later cemented the deal when Kerry agreed to have his wife donate $20 million dollars to the Imus Ranch for children with cancer.

Kerry is thought to have selected Imus partly because he does not have a strange growth on his lip, but also because his voice goes out to some 15 million listeners each day. Asked what state Imus might help the Democrats carry, a campaign spokesman said, "The state of confusion. More people than ever are living in that state nowadays."

Imus, whose status as the first major media figure to endorse Kerry has not stopped him from hammering him on his shortcomings, is expected to pitch in by ordering political talk show hosts like Tim Russert and Chris Matthews to "go easy" on Kerry.

Political insiders say Kerry, who has developed a reputation for waffling on just about any issue, has made an interesting choice in Imus, an outspoken critic and supporter of Bush and Kerry. In fact, Kerry's penchant for waffling and Imus's trademark braggadocio prompted one Washington wag to dub them "The Eggo and The Ego."

President Bush, who claims he never listens to the radio but instead has trusted advisers give him a 6th-grade-level summary of what was said, had no comment on Imus other than to call him "Kerry's new butt-boy."

Political analysts say the development could spell trouble for Bush, whose cowboy hat, and thus his brain, is much smaller than Imus's.

The Humor Gazette today became the first major media organization to endorse the Kerry-Imus ticket, saying the pair is uniquely qualified to help rid Washington of "weasels and morons," Kerry by orating them into unconsciousness and Imus by berating them to "shut up."

The Bush campaign denounced the endorsement as a shameless ploy to get Imus to plug the Humor Gazette on the air and responded by intensifying its smear campaign against the influential satire publication, which has broken several stories critical of the administration. Among them: the president's malignant fib-nose, his evasion of Boy Scout Duty, his record as an environmental retard and his ill-advised deployment of a comic bomb. The Gazette also printed a story inviting readers to punch the president in the nose.

Analysts say Imus can help Kerry in several other key areas.

Health:
Imus runs a non-profit organization that fights cancer. Bush embraces environmental policies that cause it.

Endorsements:
Media analysts believe Imus may be able to help Kerry land key endorsements from "Town & Country" and "Architectural Digest."

Religion:
Bush, who claims to have regular Oval Office powwows with a political operative he refers to as "the Lord," would seem to have a leg up on Kerry, a pro-choice Catholic who never knows when some headline-seeking clergyman will deny him a communion wafer. But Imus helps balance things out, having revealed in a best-seller that he is, in fact, "God's Other Son."

* Portsmouth, NH, area listeners can hear Friday's live broadcast of "Imus in the Morning" at the historic Wentworth Hotel on WQSO-FM 96.7



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Study shows alcohol
effective against sobriety

By John Breneman

A new report in the prestigious Imaginary Journal of Medicine reveals that alcohol has been proven effective in combating the pain and discomfort of sobriety.

A team of researchers at Dartmouth's renowned Tappa Kegga Dei fraternity discovered that moderate to heavy consumption of alcohol provides fast temporary relief from the mental and emotional anguish caused by a world gone haywire with George W. Bush at the helm.

"The number of Americans suffering heightened stress and right-brain migraines has skyrocketed under the current administration," said Dr. Jack Daniels of the Tennessee Bourbon Institute. "Alcohol, booze in layman's terms, can produce an effect medical professionals call 'taking the edge off' or even induce a euphoric semi-conscious state if desired."

The study reported that medicinal use of alcohol has risen by 40% in the year since the president toasted his war victory with that intoxicating "Mission Accomplished" rotgut.

"Let's face it, things are looking pretty bleak. Hatred of America has exploded. All the president's men had a role in dragging us into a hellhole. Three shots of firewater, administered orally, can make the world a little less horrifying," said Professor Glen Livet of the Foundation for Moonshine Research.

Despite its therapeutic efficacy, alcohol consumed for medicinal or recreational purposes may produce a range of side effects, including but not limited to:

- Nausea
- Moronic behavior
- Involuntary stumbling
- Slurred speech and vocal spasm
- Loss of job
- Loss of wallet
- Loss of driver's license
- Beer belly
- Vietnam hangover
- Increased risk of yelling at the television
- Confusion about how gay weddings "threaten" traditional marriage
- General obnoxiousness
- Genital flacidity
- Heightened use of the term "I love you, man"


Presidential punching bag

By John Breneman

Ever feel like you wanna pop George Bush right in the kisser? Smack that smirk off his face? Slug that smug mug?

You’d never do it for real, of course, but wouldn’t it relieve a world of tension to give President 43 the old 1-2? Land a hard left for his right-wing lunacy?

Well, now you can. At www.bushbops.com. The bell rings and the crowd goes wild. Your mouse becomes a fist and every punch connects. You rock him, sock him with Bush-whacking sound effects.

In this corner … from Crawford, Texas … weighing in at 6-0 190 pounds … wearing a black suit and a Shiite-eating grin … GEORGE! … W! …BUSH!!!

And in this corner … from Main Street, USA … mad as hell at this numbskull and not gonna take it anymore … YOU!

It’s wholesome, harmless fun. Take a couple shots. Biff! Pow! Give him an uppercut for letting us down. Then click-click your mouse/fist for a barrage of blows, as you pound his piehole, his thorax and malignant fib-nose.

A lot of people want to “Beat Bush” these days, some of them literally. So if you really want to get physical you can order the presidential punching bag for $24.95 and hammer the bum below the belt like his henchmen have done to John “Coulda Been a Contender” Kerry.

But wait, there’s more! You can dope slap this dope for bungling us into war. Whack him for whacking taxes on the rich. Smack him for being an evasive, unethical sonofabitch.

Bush hid from the fighting in Vietnam, but he can’t duck you. Hit him with a haymaker for being a WMD wiseacre. Give him an ugly shiner to match the one America now has in the eyes of the world.

No boxing experience necessary. Bring him on!


New poll finds Jacko is wacko

Michael Jackson spent much of the week tweaking his legal team, his entourage and of course his appearance. The embattled pop star said his new "Extreme Patriotic Makeover" is intended to show solidarity with "my fans fighting in the bad and dangerous war."

Jackson, who pleaded not guilty Friday to 10 counts of "Beat It" with a minor, dumped his attorneys saying he felt more comfortable being represented by "someone with long silky white hair." In other legal developments, Jackson insisted he could not be tried as an adult because he is actually a cosmetically altered, anatomically disturbed little Caucasian boy at heart. He also sought legal advice from Robert Blake and fired five aestheticians from his nose maintenance team.

The famed singer hired a ringmaster to preside over the media circus that follows him everywhere, whether he's moonwalking on a monster Hummer outside the courthouse or juggling Spiderman babies on a hotel balcony. Phineas T. Elephant-Bone is a veteran ringmaster whose clients have included Robert Downey Jr., Pamela Anderson and Tinky Winky.

Jackson also overhauled his entourage after seeking entourage advice from MC Hammer. He dumped the Nation of Islam and renounced his Muslin name (Jiggy al-Jacko) then briefly dabbled in Buddhism before turning Catholic to fully embrace his love of "Jesus juice."

Jackson admitted several family members back into his posse on a probationary basis. Also back in the fold are Macauley Culkin, Emmanuel Lewis and Pee-Wee Herman. Newcomers include Yao-Ming, Mini-Me and an unidentified chimp wearing a Gucci diaper.

Jackson reportedly has been spotted sipping hot chocolate with Diana Ross. Elizabeth Taylor is said to be mulling a photo-op. Gary Coleman is now handling security.

In a recent Humor Gazette poll, 82% of black respondents said Jackson is white and 18% of white respondents said he is black. Public opinion is split over whether Jackson is a sick child molester. But 93% "strongly agree" with the statement: "Something is terribly wrong with the crotch-grabbing former African American known as Michael Jackson, moonwalking that fine line between artistic genius and perverse insanity. Poor Jacko is wacko."


Related stories:
Jacko takes Iowa primary
Jackson denies plastic surgery escape scheme
People magazine's "50 Most Insignificant People"
Parade magazine's "What People Earn"


Environmental retard

By John Breneman

President Bush marked Earth Day by announcing a new environmental initiative with his pal Prince Bandar. Under the plan, Bandar will whack a few pennies from the price of crude if Bush promises to clean up any messes involving the Saudi royal family.

Meanwhile, John Kerry charged that Bush's war on the environment will launch 21 tons more pollution into the atmosphere, trigger millions of asthma attacks and help cause up to 100,000 premature deaths. Kerry said Bush gutted the nation's environmental laws with his own bare hands, raped virgin wetlands and defecated on decades of progress made since the first Earth Day in 1970.

The president, who bombed as an oil company executive, defended his petroleum-based ecological record during an ecosystem-op at a Maine nature preserve. Bush, who at one point seemed to confuse the terms "E. Coli" and "e-cology," made a fake promise to restore and protect 3 million acres of wetlands then relaxed by burning up the waters off Kennebunkport in his dad's cigarette boat.

Asked about the threat of mercury, Bush said his intelligence shows Mercury is not a threat because it has no weapons of mass destruction. He added that if he thought it would buy him a couple thousand votes, he'd pledge to put a man on Mercury by 2006.

Bush explained that environmental protection plays a key role in our economic and political system. By whining for laws regulating pollution, environmentalists spur a multibillion-dollar industry funded by energy lobbyists funneling cash to politicians who will keep the world safe for Arctic degradation.

Critics claim the president, an "environmental retard" who has let corporate super-polluters rewrite the nation's environmental laws, is drooling to drill up the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge.

But Bush countered that opponents of unrestrained drilling are not very patriotic. "We must always take clean air and water for granted," the president concluded, "and stay the course against environmental extremists who threaten our oil supply."

Earth Day 2002: Bush declares War on Environment



President tells nation, 'I'm sure something
will pop into my head'

By John Breneman

Make no mistake. Gathering threat. Must not waver. Stay the course.

His Tuesday night press conference was going along just fine. The president had successfully ducked one question about whether he'd made any "errors in judgment" and dodged another about "personal responsibility for September 11th."

He in-your-faced the nation by playing the dunce, twice, when asked clearly and directly why he and the vice president insist on appearing before the 9/11 Commission together instead of individually.

George W. Bush had wisely chosen to field questions from the East Room of the White House instead of from the deck of an aircraft carrier in front of a giant "Mission Accomplished" banner. And when Uncle Dick picked out the evening's attire, the famous military flightsuit was tucked deep in the White House play closet.

President Bush did not waver from his message while he stayed the course. There was no talk of outsourcing the fighting to India if the violence does not abate.

He even answered a question on the minds of many. "Mr. President, who will we be handing the Iraqi government over to on June 30th?"

BUSH (actual words): "We'll find that out soon. That's what Mr. Brahimi is doing. He's figuring out the nature of the entity we'll be handing sovereignty over."

See, Brahimi is on it. He's gonna let us know. No truth to the rumor Cheney plans to sell the strife-torn nation to Halliburton for an undisclosed sum and some quid pro quo to be named later.

Once the entity is identified and order restored it will be safe to implement the president's time-tested economic development strategy -- distribute generous tax breaks to the rich and open the region to exploitation by corporate friends with addresses in the Bahamas.

Some of the questions were kind of tough but stuff kept coming out of his mouth. "Now is the time and Iraq is the place." And the smirk stayed tucked away, at least until it leaked out when he said the oil revenue stream there is "pretty darn significant."

But trouble loomed ahead, a grave and gathering question. Mr. President: "After 9-11, what would your biggest mistake be … and what lessons have learned from it?"

BUSH (actual words): "I wish you'd have given me this written question ahead of time so I could plan for it. John, I'm sure historians will look back and say, gosh, he could've done it better this way or that way. You know, I just -- I'm sure something will pop into my head here in the midst of this press conference, with all the pressure of trying to come up with answer, but it hadn't yet. …"

"I hope -- I don't want to sound like I have made no mistakes. I'm confident I have. I just haven't -- you just put me under the spot here, and maybe I'm not as quick on my feet as I should be in coming up with one."

And don't get him started on those weapons of mass destruction. "They could still be there. They could be hidden, like the 50 tons of mustard gas in a turkey farm," some of Col. Gadhafi's leftovers found in Libya.

Stay the course. Hypothetical linguistic analysis reveals that President Bush favors the word "course" because it subconsciously reminds him of country club living and shooting golf with his dad and that he favors the term "stay the course" because it's stuck in his head from hearing Dana Carvey poke fun at his pop.

"Stay the course" means never having to say you're sorry, never having to answer any question you don't want to.

Stay the course, and you'll probably find those weapons after all. You may even get that parade for the American liberators you promised yourself way back when.

Make no mistake. Gathering threat. Dangerous man. Stay the course?




A comic bomb:
Bush slays 'em with WMD gag

By John Breneman

With a comic touch as deft as a Baghdad bombing raid, President Bush reduced the side-splitting Iraq weapons of mass destruction fiasco to a punchline.

The Commander-in-Cheek laughed off the world's concern about non-existent WMDs at the 60th annual Radio & Television Correspondents' Association dinner Wednesday night.

War on Iraq
U.S. death toll: hundreds
Cost: untold billions
Bush's standup routine: priceless.

Too bad the families of soldiers killed in Iraq don't get the joke.

If you missed it, President Bush was showing funny pictures and cracking jokes about them when up popped a photo of him looking under a desk. "Those weapons of mass destruction must be somewhere," quipped the White House wagster. "Nope, no weapons over there … Maybe under here."

The bit unwittingly lampooned Bush's cluelessness that his phony weapons bluster for a war that has now claimed hundreds of U.S. lives might not be the best fodder for cornball humor from a leader regarded in much of the world as a malevolent moron.

Sources say Bush is planning followup jokes about some of his other wacky stunts, like tagging the U.S. Constitution with anti-gay grafitti, giving phony $4 billion cost estimates for the $5.5 billion Medicare bill and sporting a flightsuit for his side-splitting "Mission Accomplished" caper.

"Sheer comic genius," raved the respected comedian Carrot Top, who is helping the president build an arsenal of one-liners and witticisms of mass destruction.

John Kerry, after consulting with political humorist Al Franken, issued a statement calling Bush "a big fat idiot."

Related story:



Grain Expectations

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