This Day in Revisionist History

White House smear campaign targets Humor Gazette

By John Breneman

The Bush administration moved to silence yet another of its vocal critics today, mounting a smear campaign against the Humor Gazette, the influential satire newspaper that poked fun at the president's
ill-advised deployment of a comic bomb

Donald Rumsfeld denounced the Gazette as a "subversive left-wing laugh rag" whose editor is merely trying to drum up publicity for his new book, "George W. Bush: Behind the Smirk."

Rumsfeld challenged the Gazette to produce evidence supporting its shocking allegation that the president suffers from a malignant fib-nose, a rare Pinocchio-like condition that may leave him with as little as seven months to lead.

Gazette publisher Arturo DeMaunchie declined to comment, saying he was distracted by a Blackhawk helicopter hovering outside his window. But a spokesman said the Gazette's vigilant commitment to fake journalistic integrity mandates that it painstakingly fabricate every word of its explosive investigative satire. For example, the paper pretended to interview multiple anonymous sources before printing its Feb. 13 expose "President may have evaded Boy Scout service."

Condoleezza Rice said the administration's policy of being really secretive about everything precluded her from commenting, but in an interview with Regis Philbin she said the Gazette is just angling to get Mel Gibson's people to option its script for "Lethal Weapons of Mass Destruction."

But the fledgling media conglomerate responded that it has a strict policy separating its journalistic mission from its entertainment division, and sees no conflict in pitching Hollywood screenplays for "Last Tango in Pakistan," "Allah Doesn't Live Here Anymore" and "Al Qaeda on the Western Front."

Critics contend the White House has helped blur the increasingly fuzzy line between real journalism and fake news with its disturbing record of deception and "utter fiction." In "Operation Iraqi Infoganda," Frank Rich of the New York Times says the administration "has responded to the growing national appetite for fictionalized news by producing a steady supply of its own."

Times columnist Paul Krugman says the White House policy of character assassination for high-level dissenters like former counter-terrorism czar Richard Clarke "provides more evidence of something rotten in the state of our government."

Meanwhile there are unconfirmed reports of government workers being fired for reading the Humor Gazette, harsh proof the president means business when he says, "Either you are with us or you are with the satirists."

Imaginary reporters Karen Ryan and Alberto Garcia, best known for their phony White House-funded "coverage" of Medicare, contributed to this report.

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Power outage linked to squirrel terrorists

By John Breneman

A rogue squirrel knocked out power across much of the Eastern Seaboard early Monday in an act of sabotage that the president is calling "a heinous and cowardly act of rodent terrorism." An unidentified squirrel leaped into an electrical transformer at a unidentified substation shortly after 9 a.m., just as the business day began.

The economic impact of the brazen daylight suicide mission is estimated at $74.2 killion as millions of technology-dependent workers were left literally powerless to do their jobs. Employees at one local dot-com were startled to find the company no longer existed when the electricity came back on. And several firms provided counseling to help workers deal with the emotional trauma of not being able to get onto their computers.

President Bush joked that the squirrel terrorists probably have stockpiled acorns of mass destruction for the upcoming nuclear winter and vowed to "smoke 'em out of their trees."

The squirrel was killed instantly and so could not be questioned regarding his motive. But police say a group identifying itself as the Bushy Tail Liberation Army is claiming responsibility for the attack. The BTLA, which exploded onto the international rodent terrorism scene when it sizzled a power transformer outside the White House last November, scratched the following statement into the bark of a giant oak tree near FBI headquarters:

"We demand an immediate end to the vehicular genocide being perpetrated against the squirrel community by our human oppressors in their noxious SUVs."

Citing the "needless slaughter" of millions of squirrels on our nation's roadways, the BTLA vowed that more serious power outages would follow unless authorities complied with their demands. These include:

-- Legislation imposing stiff fines and jail time for squashing a squirrel in an automobile.

-- Erection of "Squirrel Crossing" signs and overpasses at specified locations.

-- Immediate repeal of heavy tariffs on the import of exotic European and Asian acorns.

-- Federal subsidies to stimulate trade with acorn-producing nations.

-- And sweeping oak tree preservation measures, including a nationwide ban on the use of oak in furniture manufacturing.

Special Agent James Nutt of the FBI's elite anti-rodent terrorism unit said there is no cause for the public to be alarmed. But he did offer several tips for homeowners concerned that the squirrels chattering and foraging out in their yard might be aligned with the BTLA rebels. Tell-tale signs include:

-- Squirrels congregating in groups and chattering in hushed tones.

-- Shifty eyes.

-- Handguns and ammunition missing from your closet.

-- Rocky and Bullwinkle cartoons appearing mysteriously on your TV.

If you suspect an ordinary household squirrel of engaging in subversive activity, Nutt warned, do not attempt to subdue the rodent yourself. They are often trained in martial arts like Tae Akorn Do. Instead, police urge you to scamper inside and whimper like a baby until help arrives.

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A comic bomb:
Bush slays 'em with WMD gag

By John Breneman

With a comic touch as deft as a Baghdad bombing raid, President Bush reduced the side-splitting Iraq weapons of mass destruction fiasco to a punchline.

The Commander-in-Cheek laughed off the world's concern about non-existent WMDs at the 60th annual Radio & Television Correspondents' Association dinner Wednesday night.

War on Iraq
U.S. death toll: hundreds
Cost: untold billions
Bush's standup routine: priceless.

Too bad the families of soldiers killed in Iraq don't get the joke.

If you missed it, President Bush was showing funny pictures and cracking jokes about them when up popped a photo of him looking under a desk. "Those weapons of mass destruction must be somewhere," quipped the White House wagster. "Nope, no weapons over there … Maybe under here."

The bit unwittingly lampooned Bush's cluelessness that his phony weapons bluster for a war that has now claimed hundreds of U.S. lives might not be the best fodder for cornball humor from a leader regarded in much of the world as a malevolent moron.

Sources say Bush is planning followup jokes about some of his other wacky stunts, like tagging the U.S. Constitution with anti-gay grafitti, giving phony $4 billion cost estimates for the $5.5 billion Medicare bill and sporting a flightsuit for his side-splitting "Mission Accomplished" caper.

"Sheer comic genius," raved the respected comedian Carrot Top, who is helping the president build an arsenal of one-liners and witticisms of mass destruction.

John Kerry, after consulting with political humorist Al Franken, issued a statement calling Bush "a big fat idiot."

Related story:

Kerry claims proof Bush lied about Iraq

By John Breneman

A John Kerry supporter claims to have conclusive photographic evidence that President Bush lied about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. The picture was allegedly taken Saturday in Orlando, Fla., during a 15-minute Bush stopover to bag $200,000 each from a bunch of businessmen who want a piece of him.

As the president began fielding a question about Iraq, his nose reportedly appeared to sprout from his face, reaching nearly three inches as he continued on about the economy and the real cost of Medicare.

A leading Democratic spin doctor who analyzed an X-ray of the image said the prognosis is grim, possibly terminal, for the Bush presidency. Dr. Dawn Key said the malignant fib-nose may leave the president with as little as eight months to lead.

Democratic spin doctor says X-ray of malignant
fib-nose shows Bush may have as little as eight months to lead.

But Dr. Ella Funt, a respected GOP spin doctor, dismissed that as a partisan diagnosis and said the photo was probably doctored, like the one Republican supporters were distributing of John Kerry and Jane Fonda.

Furthermore, she said, the president's tendency to fudge the truth could not possibly cause such extreme enlargement of the proboscis, unless of course the president was actually a Pinocchio-like marionette, manipulated by, say, Donald Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney.

President Aleksander Kwasniewski of Poland, who complained Thursday he was "misled" about Saddam Hussein's weapons of mass destruction, said the hapless marionette theory would help explain why Bush seemed so oblivious to the apparent Halliburton conflict of interest fiasco.

Kerry, meanwhile, boasted that dozens of world leaders called to tell him they want Bush out, a few even mocking the president's own cowboy-speak by adding, "dead or alive."

However, a GOP political analyst said the White House is unconcerned. Bush's standing with his conservative base remains strong, especially now that he's reversed his previous position and called for an anti-gay marriage amendment to the Constitution.

The American people, he said, won't be fooled by the Democratic tactic of calling the Bush administration dishonest about everything from job projections and the deficit to WMD claims and Medicare (both the phony news video and the part about threatening to fire actuary Richard S. Foster if he told the truth about the pesky $1.5 cost overrun).

Related story:

Grain Expectations

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