The Bush administration moved to silence yet another of its
vocal critics today, mounting a smear campaign against the
Humor Gazette, the influential satire newspaper that poked
fun at the president's
ill-advised deployment of a comic bomb.
Donald Rumsfeld denounced the Gazette as a "subversive
left-wing laugh rag" whose editor is merely trying to
drum up publicity for his new book, "George W. Bush:
Behind the Smirk."
Rumsfeld challenged the Gazette to produce evidence supporting
its shocking allegation that the president suffers from a
malignant fib-nose, a rare Pinocchio-like
condition that may leave him with as little as seven months
Gazette publisher Arturo DeMaunchie declined to comment,
saying he was distracted by a Blackhawk helicopter hovering
outside his window. But a spokesman said the Gazette's vigilant
commitment to fake journalistic integrity mandates that it
painstakingly fabricate every word of its explosive investigative
satire. For example, the paper pretended to interview multiple
anonymous sources before printing its Feb. 13 expose "President
may have evaded Boy Scout service."
Condoleezza Rice said the administration's policy of being
really secretive about everything precluded her from commenting,
but in an interview with Regis Philbin she said the Gazette
is just angling to get Mel Gibson's
people to option its script for "Lethal Weapons of Mass
But the fledgling media conglomerate responded that it has
a strict policy separating its journalistic mission from its
entertainment division, and sees no conflict in pitching Hollywood
screenplays for "Last
Tango in Pakistan," "Allah Doesn't Live Here Anymore"
and "Al Qaeda on the Western Front."
Critics contend the White House has helped blur the increasingly
fuzzy line between real journalism and fake news with its
disturbing record of deception and "utter fiction."
Iraqi Infoganda," Frank Rich of the New York Times
says the administration "has responded to the growing
national appetite for fictionalized news by producing a steady
supply of its own."
Times columnist Paul
Krugman says the White House policy of character assassination
for high-level dissenters like former counter-terrorism czar
Richard Clarke "provides more evidence of something rotten
in the state of our government."
Meanwhile there are unconfirmed reports of government workers
being fired for reading the Humor Gazette, harsh proof the
president means business when he says, "Either you are
with us or you are with the satirists."
Imaginary reporters Karen Ryan and Alberto Garcia, best
known for their phony White House-funded "coverage"
of Medicare, contributed to this report.
Power outage linked to squirrel terrorists
By John Breneman
A rogue squirrel knocked out power across much of the Eastern
Seaboard early Monday in an act of sabotage that the president
is calling "a heinous and cowardly act of rodent terrorism."
An unidentified squirrel leaped into an electrical transformer
at a unidentified substation shortly after 9 a.m., just as
the business day began.
The economic impact of the brazen daylight suicide mission
is estimated at $74.2 killion as millions of technology-dependent
workers were left literally powerless to do their jobs. Employees
at one local dot-com were startled to find the company no
longer existed when the electricity came back on. And several
firms provided counseling to help workers deal with the emotional
trauma of not being able to get onto their computers.
President Bush joked that
the squirrel terrorists probably have stockpiled acorns of
mass destruction for the upcoming nuclear winter and vowed
to "smoke 'em out of their trees."
The squirrel was killed instantly and so could not be questioned
regarding his motive. But police say a group identifying itself
as the Bushy Tail Liberation Army is claiming responsibility
for the attack. The BTLA, which exploded onto the international
rodent terrorism scene when it sizzled a power transformer
outside the White House last November, scratched the following
statement into the bark of a giant oak tree near FBI headquarters:
"We demand an immediate end to the vehicular genocide
being perpetrated against the squirrel community by our human
oppressors in their noxious SUVs."
Citing the "needless slaughter" of millions of
squirrels on our nation's roadways, the BTLA vowed that more
serious power outages would follow unless authorities complied
with their demands. These include:
-- Legislation imposing stiff fines and jail time for squashing
a squirrel in an automobile.
-- Erection of "Squirrel Crossing" signs and overpasses
at specified locations.
-- Immediate repeal of heavy tariffs on the import of exotic
European and Asian acorns.
-- Federal subsidies to stimulate trade with acorn-producing
-- And sweeping oak tree preservation measures, including
a nationwide ban on the use of oak in furniture manufacturing.
Special Agent James Nutt of the FBI's elite anti-rodent terrorism
unit said there is no cause for the public to be alarmed.
But he did offer several tips for homeowners concerned that
the squirrels chattering and foraging out in their yard might
be aligned with the BTLA rebels. Tell-tale signs include:
-- Squirrels congregating in groups and chattering in hushed
-- Shifty eyes.
-- Handguns and ammunition missing from your closet.
-- Rocky and Bullwinkle cartoons appearing mysteriously on
If you suspect an ordinary household squirrel of engaging
in subversive activity, Nutt warned, do not attempt to subdue
the rodent yourself. They are often trained in martial arts
like Tae Akorn Do. Instead, police urge you to scamper inside
and whimper like a baby until help arrives.
A comic bomb:
Bush slays 'em with WMD gag
By John Breneman
With a comic touch as deft as a Baghdad bombing raid, President
Bush reduced the side-splitting Iraq weapons of mass destruction
fiasco to a punchline.
The Commander-in-Cheek laughed off the world's concern about
non-existent WMDs at the 60th annual Radio & Television
Correspondents' Association dinner Wednesday night.
U.S. death toll: hundreds
Cost: untold billions
Bush's standup routine: priceless.
Too bad the families of soldiers killed in Iraq don't get
If you missed it, President Bush was showing funny pictures
and cracking jokes about them when up popped a photo of him
looking under a desk. "Those weapons of mass destruction
must be somewhere," quipped the White House wagster.
"Nope, no weapons over there
Maybe under here."
The bit unwittingly lampooned Bush's cluelessness that his
phony weapons bluster for a war that has now claimed hundreds
of U.S. lives might not be the best fodder for cornball humor
from a leader regarded in much of the world as a malevolent
Sources say Bush is planning followup jokes about some of
his other wacky stunts, like tagging the U.S. Constitution
with anti-gay grafitti, giving phony $4 billion cost estimates
for the $5.5 billion Medicare bill and sporting a flightsuit
for his side-splitting "Mission Accomplished" caper.
"Sheer comic genius," raved the respected comedian
Carrot Top, who is helping the president build an arsenal
of one-liners and witticisms of mass destruction.
John Kerry, after consulting with political humorist Al Franken,
issued a statement calling Bush "a big fat idiot."
claims proof Bush lied about Iraq
By John Breneman
A John Kerry supporter claims to have conclusive photographic
evidence that President Bush lied about weapons of mass destruction
in Iraq. The picture was allegedly taken Saturday in Orlando,
Fla., during a 15-minute Bush stopover to bag $200,000 each
from a bunch of businessmen who want a piece of him.
As the president began fielding a question about Iraq, his
nose reportedly appeared to sprout from his face, reaching
nearly three inches as he continued on about the economy and
the real cost of Medicare.
A leading Democratic spin doctor who analyzed an X-ray of
the image said the prognosis is grim, possibly terminal, for
the Bush presidency. Dr. Dawn Key said the malignant fib-nose
may leave the president with as little as eight months to
Democratic spin doctor says X-ray of malignant
fib-nose shows Bush may have as little as eight months
But Dr. Ella Funt, a respected GOP spin doctor, dismissed
that as a partisan diagnosis and said the photo was probably
doctored, like the one Republican supporters were distributing
of John Kerry and Jane Fonda.
Furthermore, she said, the president's tendency to fudge
the truth could not possibly cause such extreme enlargement
of the proboscis, unless of course the president was actually
a Pinocchio-like marionette, manipulated by, say, Donald Rumsfeld
and Dick Cheney.
President Aleksander Kwasniewski of Poland, who complained
Thursday he was "misled" about Saddam Hussein's
weapons of mass destruction, said the hapless marionette theory
would help explain why Bush seemed so oblivious to the apparent
Halliburton conflict of interest fiasco.
Kerry, meanwhile, boasted that dozens of world leaders called
to tell him they want Bush out, a few even mocking the president's
own cowboy-speak by adding, "dead or alive."
However, a GOP political analyst said the White House is
unconcerned. Bush's standing with his conservative base remains
strong, especially now that he's reversed his previous position
and called for an anti-gay marriage
amendment to the Constitution.
The American people, he said, won't be fooled by the Democratic
tactic of calling the Bush administration dishonest about
everything from job projections and the deficit to WMD claims
and Medicare (both the phony news video and the part about
threatening to fire actuary Richard S. Foster if he told the
truth about the pesky $1.5 cost overrun).