This Day in Revisionist History

Franken challenges Limbaugh
to fair & balanced smackdown

By John Breneman

Getting America's left ear to listen to the radio will require some gimmicks, right?

Al Franken, the noted liberal pundit turned radio wrassler, plans to pummel the body politic with belligerent Democratic banter, chatter and cheerleading, demanding to be heard above the relentless Republican shout-mongers Bill O'Reilly and Rush Limbaugh. Hammer them with humor.

"Bush is going down, he is going down, he is going down!" was funny and feisty on Day One. But even the most brilliant Ann Coulter material ever conceived will not carry the day. Not even joking that the liberal-loathing Coulter said if Al Qaeda has to hit somewhere in the U.S., let it be the New York studios of Air America Radio. One of the funnier bits of Day Two was Franken whining about being forced to shill a product for people who constantly need to pee.

This is a cause that calls for hype. Steroid-fueled World Rhetoric Foundation megahype. This is Stone-Cold Al Franken vs. Stone-Stoned Limbaugh in a high-frequency smackdown! Don't touch that dial!

Next up, freak-haired boxing impresario Don King promotes the multimillion-dollar Franken-Limbaugh grudge match. "The Great Left Hope" vs. the "Great Right Dope." Franken, the former wrestler who persuaded a Dean heckler to shut up with a New Hampshire primary pile-driver, stepping to the mike against the acid-larynxed Limbaugh, the lying anti-drug liar whose appetite for OxyContin should enable him to absorb a daily flurry of left hooks, left jabs and liberal haymakers.

Al Franken is not a big fat idiot. He knows that to crush Rush and rile the vile O'Reilly he must rock the mike. Whatever that means. He's gotta come out guns blazing for his daily three-hour showdown at High Noon. (Note to Air America: Chuck D from Public Enemy is nice, but imagine 50 Cent jumping into the feud).

"A Franken balanced look at the Right" must walk the talk with smart, GOP-slapping satire. Funny stuff like diagnosing George W. Bush with a malignant fib nose, a rare Pinocchio-like condition that could leave him with as little as seven months to lead. Listeners will love scathing tirades about how Bush dropped a comic bomb, gagging on his own tasteless WMD joke.

So no more lying down and letting the lying liars get away with White House lies. The Great Liberal Radio Experiment is on.

"Good morning, Vietnam … I mean Iraq."

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Condy to testify

Gazette writer admits fabricating stories

By John Breneman

The Humor Gazette today accepted the resignation of star reporter Arturo Dimanche after it was revealed the five-time Pulitzer Prize nominee fabricated his most sensational fake news exclusives.

The revelation casts doubt on Dimanche's report that Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas flashed the Republicans an "OK" sign before voting with the 5-4 majority to give George W. Bush the 2000 election. Also now under suspicion, his ominous August 2001 interview with Osama bin Laden's former butler.

Editors at the Gazette said the final straw came when a disheveled Dimanche stumbled into the newsroom reeking of single-malt aftershave, saying he'd "just flown in on the 8:15 from Afghanistan" with a scoop that Jacko was harboring Osama and plying him with "Allah juice" in a secret room at Neverland II in the mountains west of Kabul.

Mindful of the recent journalism scandals involving Jayson Blair of the New York Times and Jack Kelley of USA Today, editors questioned him about the reliability of his information. Dimanche feigned indignation and said he was ready to blow the lid off a scandal linking Harken and Halliburton and Saudi slush funds to a White House scheme to let oil despoil the political environment.

As Dimanche chattered on about Martha Stewart's sumptuous Nigerian yellow cake and Donald Rumsfeld's secret stash of weapons of mass destruction, the rogue reporter was confronted with a $1,400 expense account tab for a large pepperoni delivered to his New York apartment from Slobo's Pizza in the former Yugoslavia.

A subsequent investigation revealed "irregularities" in his reporting on Dick Cheney's undisclosed love bunker and George W. Bush's malignant fib-nose. Even his acclaimed his four-part series on journalistic integrity was found to contain phony quotes attributed to Walter Cronkite, Roger Mudd and Geraldo Rivera.

The Gazette announced it has withdrawn past Pulitzer nominations for Dimanche's graphic account of an Al Qaeda recruitment toga party and his spellbinding feature on an 8-year-old heroin-addicted millionaire day trader named Lil G.

His editors say, in retrospect, they should have noticed red flags like his tendency to file stories datelined from around the globe within 15 minutes of leaving the newsroom. One editor now admits he should have been more suspicious when Dimanche said he was calling from a firefight in war-torn Kosovo, but the background sounded more like a big-screen football party in a crowded bar.

As the trail of deception unraveled the Gazette discovered Dimanche also falsified his resume, listing a Ph.D. from the prestigious-sounding but nonexistent Harvard School of Journalism when, in fact, he dropped out of 9th grade after being caught plagiarizing a report on "Honest Abe" Lincoln.

His claims to have been a former New York Times reporter, a military intelligence expert and heir to the Grey Poupon mustard fortune, also proved false.

Dimanche now plans to hit the talk-show circuit promoting his new book "Lying Lies I Told You Gullible Morons." And though he claims to take "personal responsibility" for his transgressions, the fabricateur du jour devotes much of his memoir to blaming undiagnosed bipolar agoraphobia, booze, drugs and a basic American lust for fame and money.

To prevent future abuses of the public trust, the Humor Gazette has instituted new policies that involve scrapping the once-useful honor system in favor random urine, DNA and polygraph testing. The paper is continuing its probe into the record of disgraced fake journalist Arturo Dimanche.

Let phony horoscope guide you

CANCER (June 21-July 22) Getting more money may improve your financial situation. Avoid smashing into other vehicles when driving today. Keep sulfuric acid away from children.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) A tender, romantic encounter is out of the question tonight. Share your deepest emotions with a Mama Celeste pizza. Let your limitations guide you. MORE

A comic bomb:
Bush slays 'em with WMD gag

By John Breneman

With a comic touch as deft as a Baghdad bombing raid, President Bush reduced the side-splitting Iraq weapons of mass destruction fiasco to a punchline.

The Commander-in-Cheek laughed off the world's concern about non-existent WMDs at the 60th annual Radio & Television Correspondents' Association dinner Wednesday night.

War on Iraq
U.S. death toll: hundreds
Cost: untold billions
Bush's standup routine: priceless.

Too bad the families of soldiers killed in Iraq don't get the joke.

If you missed it, President Bush was showing funny pictures and cracking jokes about them when up popped a photo of him looking under a desk. "Those weapons of mass destruction must be somewhere," quipped the White House wagster. "Nope, no weapons over there … Maybe under here."

The bit unwittingly lampooned Bush's cluelessness that his phony weapons bluster for a war that has now claimed hundreds of U.S. lives might not be the best fodder for cornball humor from a leader regarded in much of the world as a malevolent moron.

Sources say Bush is planning followup jokes about some of his other wacky stunts, like tagging the U.S. Constitution with anti-gay grafitti, giving phony $4 billion cost estimates for the $5.5 billion Medicare bill and sporting a flightsuit for his side-splitting "Mission Accomplished" caper.

"Sheer comic genius," raved the respected comedian Carrot Top, who is helping the president build an arsenal of one-liners and witticisms of mass destruction.

John Kerry, after consulting with political humorist Al Franken, issued a statement calling Bush "a big fat idiot."

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Kerry claims proof Bush lied about Iraq

By John Breneman

A John Kerry supporter claims to have conclusive photographic evidence that President Bush lied about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. The picture was allegedly taken Saturday in Orlando, Fla., during a 15-minute Bush stopover to bag $200,000 each from a bunch of businessmen who want a piece of him.

As the president began fielding a question about Iraq, his nose reportedly appeared to sprout from his face, reaching nearly three inches as he continued on about the economy and the real cost of Medicare.

A leading Democratic spin doctor who analyzed an X-ray of the image said the prognosis is grim, possibly terminal, for the Bush presidency. Dr. Dawn Key said the malignant fib-nose may leave the president with as little as eight months to lead.

Democratic spin doctor says X-ray of malignant
fib-nose shows Bush may have as little as eight months to lead.

But Dr. Ella Funt, a respected GOP spin doctor, dismissed that as a partisan diagnosis and said the photo was probably doctored, like the one Republican supporters were distributing of John Kerry and Jane Fonda.

Furthermore, she said, the president's tendency to fudge the truth could not possibly cause such extreme enlargement of the proboscis, unless of course the president was actually a Pinocchio-like marionette, manipulated by, say, Donald Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney.

President Aleksander Kwasniewski of Poland, who complained Thursday he was "misled" about Saddam Hussein's weapons of mass destruction, said the hapless marionette theory would help explain why Bush seemed so oblivious to the apparent Halliburton conflict of interest fiasco.

Kerry, meanwhile, boasted that dozens of world leaders called to tell him they want Bush out, a few even mocking the president's own cowboy-speak by adding, "dead or alive."

However, a GOP political analyst said the White House is unconcerned. Bush's standing with his conservative base remains strong, especially now that he's reversed his previous position and called for an anti-gay marriage amendment to the Constitution.

The American people, he said, won't be fooled by the Democratic tactic of calling the Bush administration dishonest about everything from job projections and the deficit to WMD claims and Medicare (both the phony news video and the part about threatening to fire actuary Richard S. Foster if he told the truth about the pesky $1.5 cost overrun).

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Cracking down on the boob tube

Michael Powell of the Federal Censorship Commission urged Congress to declare war on the F-word, the C-word and the First Amendment..

By John Breneman

The House of Representatives has voted to come down hard on obscenity, punishing purveyors of naughty words and "wardrobe malfunctions" with stiff penal action.

Following prolonged oral intercourse on the controversial topic, the House voted 391-22 to raise to $500,000 the maximum fine for any entertainer who says (bleep), exposes his/her (bleep) or otherwise misbehaves on the airwaves.

The Broadcast Decency Enforcement Act of 2004 (H.R. 3717) imposes harsh fines for using words like zoinks, yowzah and fiddlesticks; poopshoot, egad and Jesus H. Chrysler. Also on the FCC shhhhit list: shiitake mushrooms, fudge and fizzuck.

The bill further mandates that anyone who says a bad word on radio or television must have their mouth washed out with soap. And any entertainer who grabs his crotch -- or someone else's -- must film a public service announcement warning young viewers about the dangers of crotch grabbing.

"Our children have been traumatized by the horror of Janet Jackson's mammary gland. Enough is enough," said Rep. Joe Pitts (R-Penn.), interviewed between soundbites of President Bush calling a New York Times reporter an "@$$(bleep)" and trying to sexually assault the U.S. Constitution.

Michael Powell, chairman of the Federal Censorship Commission (FCC), urged Congress to declare war on the F-word, the S-word, the C-word, the N-word, the P-word and the First Amendment.

Studies show the average American youth watches 3 hours and 43 minutes of television each day, during which time they witness countless murders, drive-bys, gang-bangs and mind-numbing morons pretending to deliver "news."

This is OK.

But critics say the epidemic of bad language and bad flesh on TV has been proven to cause moral decline, impudence and potty mouth among viewers under age 15.

Prolonged exposure to televised indecency also impairs children's ability to distinguish between shows that promote wholesome family values and those deemed vulgar by some pandering, adulterous politician.

Tyco party animal throws courtroom bash

By John Breneman

Tyco tycoon Dennis Kozlowski celebrated the mistrial on his $600 million corporate heist with a wild party that gave members of the jury a taste of his obscenely lavish lifestyle. Infamous juror #4 signaled her approval with a double thumbs up.

As jurors viewed a PowerPoint video of the $2 million birthday bash he threw for his wife, the corporate party animal inhaled a plate of jumbo shrimp cocktail, laughed, belched, farted, then wiped his pig-like face with a $3,000 Gucci handkerchief.

Prosecutors say the lavish toga party symbolizes the gluttonous corporate excess perpetrated by the former Tyco CEO and former finance chief Mark Swartz, accused of looting the company of $600 million.

The charges -- larceny, conspiracy, securities fraud and multiple counts of being a flaming asshole -- did not appear to faze Kozlowski, accompanied in court by his attorneys and an unidentified man-servant who fed him peeled grapes and Dom Perignon.

The tape showed scantily clad gladiators and gladiatrixes frolicking about the pool and a replica of Michelangelo's David pissing cold vodka. The birthday Bacchanalia also featured a performance by Jimmy Buffett, who sang 'Lobster Thermidor in Paradise.'

Kozlowski is seen on the video telling his guests, "It's going to be a fun week -- sailing, fornicating, drinking vodka from a statue's genitalia, wiping our asses with other people's money -- all the things we are best known for.'

Much later a drunken Kozlowski, stripped to his $15,000 Armani gold lamé underpants, is seen chanting 'Toga! Toga!! TOGA!!!' and smashing a bottle of 1902 Chateau Lafite Rothschild over his head.

Upon seeing himself on screen, Kozlowski convulsed with laughter and coughed up a chunk of his foot-long beluga caviar sub.


Grain Expectations

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