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Essay contest reveals liberal bias in education

By Chris Elliott

A fourth-grade essay contest initiated by an elementary school teacher is riling some parents in Ann Arbor, Michigan.

The contest offered a $100 prize to the best essay critical of the Bush administration, a reward that some say stands in opposition to the free exchange of ideas.

The winning essay, "George W. Bush is a Great Big Doodyhead" by Sean Smith suggests that "George W. Bush is ca-ca," and that he has "poo smell." He goes on to say, "When I make doody and look at it in the toilet afterward, it looks like Bush, so that's why I think he is a great big doodyhead."

Smith narrowly edged out Paul Higgins, also of Ann Arbor, whose essay "Dick Cheney is What His Name Says" won a $50 gift certificate to Orange Julius.

Honorable mention went to Jessica Allen, whose essay "Moral Relativism: The Hypocritical Subtext of the Neo-Conservatives" won recognition for its insightful assessment of the dissonance of the Bush doctrine as modulated against the values of the Bible. According to Ron Boucher, the teacher who initiated the contest, Allen's essay was "easily the best written, but it wasn't quite fourth-grade enough to be a winner in this contest."

Protest has been mounting against the essay contest from all across Ann Arbor. PTA director Madeline Stern objected, saying her son Billy was disqualified from the contest when he submitted an essay supportive of the U.S. war effort in Iraq. Boucher claimed the disqualification was because Billy Stern "didn't follow directions."

"These kids are going to get plenty of exposure to these Marxist, blame-America-first professors when they get to college," Madelaine Stern said in a recent telephone interview. "I don't see why it has to begin in the fourth grade."

Ron Boucher could not be reached for comment, but issued a statement through his attorney that "George W. Bush is too a big doodyhead, so nyaah."

U.S. at risk of attack by giant pterodactyl

By John Breneman

The U.S. has received credible "chatter" that al-Qaida may or may not try to attack the U.S. within the next 12 to 1,200 days, perhaps using a plane, a train, acid rain … or worse, a giant man-eating pterodactyl.

Justice Department wacko John Ashcroft said he has obtained documents showing that Osama bin Laden may have manufactured a genetically engineered Super Terror-Dactyl using prehistoric DNA from Nigeria. Ashcroft denied he was making up the pterodactyl alert to distract Americans from President Bush's inept handling of the war and his trouble using words to communicate. He declined to reveal the source of his information but said it definitely was not Ahmad Chalabi.

Possible targets may or may not include the Northeast, the West Coast, the South or the Midwest. Also at risk, said Ashcroft, is the town of Freedom, Wisconsin, "because the terrorists hate freedom."

Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge, who spends 8-12 hours a day deciding whether or not to keep the terror alert level at Yellow, said each pterodactyl warning must be evaluated individually and would not automatically result in naming a new terror color for people to be confused about.

When pressed, Ridge said he would definitely raise the threat level to Orange if the pterodactyl was breathing fire, and even Red if the beast was passing mustard gas.

Ridge said Americans should be 10-12% more vigilant, but added it is important to go about our daily lives in a guardedly carefree fashion. He said anyone uncertain about how to react to this new threat can call for a free pamphlet entitled "12 Ways to Not Get Blown Up By a Freedom-Hating Islamic Militant Douchebag."

Families can help children understand the threat of terrorism using Homeland Security-approved games like "Cops and Suicide Bombers," "Hide and Go Seek Weapons of Mass Destruction" and "Sy Hersch Sez." Secretary Ridge asked that anyone who spots a suspicious-looking pterodactyl call his hotline at 1-800-555-FEAR.

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Bush pledges Democracy R Us for Iraq

By John Breneman     As the clock tick, tick, ticks toward the June 30 transfer of power to a pseudo-sovereign Iraq, President Bush laid out a five-point plan to boost his bum approval rating. Apart from some creative pronunciation of those pesky words "Abu Ghraib," the embattled CEO of Democracy R Us did not waver from reciting each word that had been written for him. (Good news about Abu, Bush aims to demolish the notorious torture house and Halliburton has stepped up to do the job for just $1.2 billion.)

Iraq's conversion to a Halliburton-based economy will be aided by a transitional Iraqi government comprised of guys who don't mind having a terrorist bull's eye painted on their headgear. National elections will come soon enough. But first it is vital to teach Iraqi politicians how to divert millions into their campaign war-chests and slime their opponents with negative ads. Presidential candidates will also need seminars on how to exploit family connections and use the Supreme Court to seize power.    MORE

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