tip of the hat to Arafat
By John Breneman
Yasser Arafat is dead, but his legacy as a world leader in
stylish headgear lives on.
As his followers mourn by firing bullets into the air and
hoping they don't pierce too many skulls on the way down,
geopolitical haberdashery analysts agree that Arafat's monumental
contributions to hatwear will be remembered long after the
pesky Israeli-Palestinian conflict is resolved.
since Abe Lincoln and his legendary stovepipe tophat has one
man had such a profound impact on the history of headgear,"
said Richard "Cappy" Stetson, chairman of the prestigious
Fedora Institute. "Castro, Bush, Hamid Karzai over in
Afghanistan... These guys all wear hats from time to time,
but nobody can touch Arafat. I once saw him craft an exquisite,
Allah-approved turban out of a discarded Wal-Mart bag."
Now that Arafat, a 12-time winner of the United Nations'
coveted "Best Hat" award, no longer sports a living
head on which to display his famous checkered tablecloth,
it is believed that other world leaders are eager to fill
spokesman for Pope John Paul said the pontiff has privately
admitted he would love to cap his distinguished career with
the U.N. hat prize but understands the competition is intense,
with Fidel Castro reportedly working on a drab olive green
number that his valet says "combines the flair of the
Blues Brothers with the timeless barbarism of Idi Amin."
President Jiang Zemin has been spotted in a tri-cornered Colonial-era
number that is said to be black with gold trim. The C.I.A.
has picked up some "chatter" indicating that Osama
bin Laden has been experimenting with a jaunty straw hat.
And the Iranians are said to be developing a baseball cap
composed entirely of enriched uranium.
President Bush, meanwhile, has publicly downplayed the post-Arafat
hat scenario. Aides say they are urging Bush to stick with
cowboy hats and fighter pilot helmets, but Bush is said to
prefer a red, white and blue dunce cap with a nifty propeller
President Bush 'out,' media 'in' as
biggest thing to complain about in '05
By John Breneman
Following through on his pledge to heal the bitterly divided
nation, President Bush joined Sen. John Kerry today to introduce
a bipartisan national dialogue about the sorry state of "the
Republicans hold contempt for the elite liberal media as
exemplified by the New York Times, while Democrats blast organizations
like Fox News for brainwashing gullible viewers with right-wing
And polls show growing disgust over the Media's failure to
provide the citizenry with the complete, unbiased information
it needs to make decisions vital to our democracy.
In fact, many are now blaming the Media for failing to prevent
the war in Iraq by more vigorously questioning the president
and his men about the phony weapons of mass destruction and
the dishonest effort to link Saddam Hussein and Osama bin
The Media could not be reached for comment, but an anonymous
source close to the media said Howard Fineman will be covering
the story in this week's Newsweek, then pontificating about
it on Crossfire, Hardball, The O'Reilly Factor and Imus in
Pakistan-based pundit Osama bin Laden
calls Ohio in favor of President Bush during election
night coverage on Al Jazeera.
Bin Laden tips his turban to Bush
By John Breneman
Osama bin Laden claimed victory in the U.S. presidential
race today, telling supporters that his recent video appearance
successfully swayed the election to President Bush.
Bin Laden said his unwavering message of pervasive fear closely
paralleled that of President Bush. Offering post-election
analysis from his anchor desk at Al Jazeera, bin Laden said
Democratic challenger John Kerry wisely used Social Security
woes and the threat of a military draft to scare people, but
cost himself the election by straying from a fear-based campaign
with outdated concepts like "hope" and "common
Bin Laden also extended an olive branch to President Bush,
saying, "I'd like to thank Mr. Bush for focusing on Iraq
during those frightening days after 9/11 when I thought I
actually might be captured, and for his help in our terrorist
The lanky death-monger, who said he had been up all night
watching the returns, noted that his team of Muslim extremist
election strategists correctly predicted that Bush would capture
the battleground states of Ohio and Florida by convincing
voters they needed him to win the battleground country of
Plunging the nation into an unnecessary war was a brilliant
strategy, according to bin Laden, because of America's long
tradition of not changing commanders during wartime, even
if the commander is a blundering incompetent who got the job
because of his name rather than his talents or accomplishments.
The bearded terror kingpin said he understands why Americans
would feel safer led by a man who is so confident that, when
confronted with the pre-9/11 warning: "Bin Laden determined
to strike in U.S.," he simply went ahead with his Texas
Bin Laden also praised Bush's ability to turn his own shameful
military career into an asset by using Swift Boat propaganda
guns to maim his war hero opponent. He also credited Bush
with making sure no law-abiding terrorist sympathizer is denied
access to an assault weapon.
Bin Laden, who has repeatedly denied rumors of a homosexual
relationship with Saddam Hussein, said Bush also benefited
from his stance gay people should be constitutionally blocked
from participating in what he has called
"the most fundamental institution of civilization"
Bin Laden closed his remarks by thanking America for its
strong support of him during Afghanistan's war against the
Soviets in the 1980s.
A recent Humor Gazette tracking poll reveals that
83% of all GOP voters say they support President George
W. Bush's strong leadership in waging the war on truth.
Poll reveals Bush favored by
mushroom cloud enthusiasts
Below are the results of the latest Humor Gazette tracking
52% of registered voters say they feel
safer despite living in a "battleground state."
42% of Republican voters
say they believe Arnold Schwarzenegger will help President
Bush defeat the "terrorist girly men."
84% of feel safer under
Bush because he was so effective in preventing the 9/11 attacks
and capturing Osama bin Laden.
70% of brainwashed Republicans
believe President Bush's campaign pledge that John Kerry will
take all their money and let terrorists kill them.
92% of oil industry executives
say they feel safer under President Bush because he is not
afraid to wage war on the environment.
21% of conservative doomsday
enthusiasts say they support Bush because they are curious
to see what a mushroom cloud looks like.
86% of FOX News viewers
say Kerry is unfit for command because ... "flip-flop,"
"global test," and "gay daughter."
79% of FOX News viewers
believe the president is a stronger military leader than the
war hero Kerry, even though Bush ducked Vietnam then went
AWOL from the cushy National Guard post his daddy got him.
61% of all Worldwide Wrestling
Federation fans believe Teresa Heinz Kerry would shred Laura
Bush if a steel-cage First Lady catfight death-match were
74% of conservative pundits
believe Bush grimaced Kerry into submission in the first debate.
54% of Republicans support
Bush because they believe he is pro-Christ.
49% of Democrats oppose
Bush because they believe he is the anti-Christ.
81% of all southern Republicans
believe the words "Massachusetts liberal" mean "flip-flopping
73% of young Republicans
say Bush has the edge due to his experience as a fraternity
president at the electoral college.
92% of all Americans believed
Bush when he promised to capture bin Laden "dead or alive."
62% believed Bush when
he said bin Laden's best friend Saddam Hussein definitely
had weapons of mass destruction.
41% of GOP propaganda
enthusiasts believed President Bush when he dressed up in
a military flightsuit and said "Mission Accomplished."
63% of Democrats think
stem-cell research offers hope for a cure to President Bush's
rare form of cerebral dysfunction.
87% of registered voters
aren't sure if they live in a red state or a blue state.
Finally, approximately 50 percent of all voters appear
to have been hoodwinked by the most dangerous American president
of all time.
Today's Media Horoscope
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) --
Your image as a bombastic crusader for morality
may be harmed by an underling who rejects your crude
romantic advances. Don't let sexual misconduct and
blatant hypocrisy dissuade you from spouting phony
platitudes about family values. A substantial cash
payoff should convince her to shut up.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) -- Excessive wordiness
may distract people from fully understanding your mixed messages.
Future job prospects may hinge on your ability to expose a
well-liked adversary's pathological dishonesty. Be decisive.
CANCER (June 21-July 22) -- Refuse to let facts and
common sense intrude on your vision of what is right. Affecting
a tough persona helps you compensate for feelings of intellectual
inadequacy. Don't be distracted by rising death tolls. Stay
Gazette endorses Bush
Now more than ever, as we wage the war against terror in
Washington and Iraq, America needs a brash, uncompromising
president who is not afraid to take action in the face of
questionable intelligence -- a man capable of making profound,
far-reaching decisions undistracted by knowledge, logic and
Winning the White House's war in Iraq will require a
cocky, shoot-from-the-lip leader
who doesn't give a Texas damn what other nations think of
us -- an aggressive, unapologetic war president determined
to ignore and discredit nagging voices of dissent during these
Now more than ever America needs George W. Bush, shrewd son
of a rich Republican dynasty who understands it is more imperative
to talk about moral values than to actually embody them --
faux gun-slinger skilled in shrugging off seemingly
damaging developments with a soundbite and a smirk.
When the Good Lord informed President Bush that Saddam Hussein
must go, he did not waver or fret about international opposition.
He wisely heeded God's
instructions, smoked the WMD-packing madman into a
hole and took him out.
The world is surely a safer place now that the al Qaeda-loving
dictator is no longer in power. Who could deny that we become
more secure with each terrorist who is killed or stacked up
naked in a pile?
Indeed, we know we are safer because -- though the wrath
of Allah may rain down upon us at any moment -- President
Bush keeps repeating that he is making us safer.
Quibbling over past statements about weapons of mass destruction
and links between Iraq and al Qaeda does not do America any
good now. This anti-Bush rhetoric is the stuff of simpering
Saddam sympathizers who think they can have their uranium
yellow cake and eat it too.
Sometimes we are moved to ask: What part of "you're
with us or you're with the terrorists" don't these people
Also hurting the cause are those who would question why 1,000
young Americans must make the ultimate sacrifice to take over
a country where no weapons have yet been found. To this we
say, simply: Freedom-hating thug. Hated America. Madman. World
a safer place.
may seize upon some of the
president's words to paint him as a thick-headed,
born-again slacker who is intellectually and morally unfit
for his job as leader of the free world. Some
even mock his alternative pronunciation of the explosively
symbolic word "nuclear."
But when the president said recently, "Our enemies are
innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop
thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people,
and neither do we," he meant to trumpet his vigilance
against evildoers, not re-ignite charges that his administration's
actions have put us at greater risk. We must understand that
this is a man so composed in the face of an unspeakable tragedy
that he continued to read "My
Pet Goat" to schoolchildren upon learning of
the Sept. 11 attacks.
Yes, do not misunderestimate George W. Bush. Family jewels
and fancy schools do not guarantee a facility with fancy words
like "malfeasance" and "subliminible."
So what if he has five ways to say "Abu
Ghraib" or seems to have forgotten about bin
The important thing is he believes he has the ability to
communicate with the Lord, and thus will not be constrained
by the separation of church and state as he protects the God-given
right of each fetus to own a gun.
We must not let some decorated military "hero"
cut short the divine mission of a man who whose own stealthy
service during the Vietnam War helped keep the homefront safe
See, the president has told us in no uncertain terms that
his bleeding Purple Heart liberal opponent plans to raise
taxes by $8 trillion, decimate the U.S. military and stamp
out family values.
Yes, America should be wary of John Kerry. What kind of flip-flopper
fights bravely for his country then turns around and talks
about the horrors of war?
President Bush not only supported the war in Vietnam, he
completed his Air National Guard service so masterfully that
there are no eye-witness accounts of it to be found, and certainly
no embarrassing politically motivated Bronze Star incidents.
Now, as commander-in-chief, he battles enemies old and new
while protecting our way of life from threats posed by stem-cell
research, gun control and the ultimate menace to our society,
And so, as the most important election of our time draws
near, do not be fooled by partisan Democratic claims or valid
independent research that President Bush has harmed the economy
with his tax cuts for the rich, damaged our nation's stature
in the eyes of the world and needlessly sacrificed thousands
of American and Iraqi lives.
As the president might say, now is not the time to not stay
the course. Make no mistake, that would be a victory for the
terrorists as they keep trying to weaken our resolve.
So if you want a president who would never exercise sensitivity
in bludgeoning Iraq into democracy, a president who understands
that a rising death toll means lower unemployment, a president
whose men will do whatever it takes to get him back into the
White House, vote for George W. Bush on November 2.
Editor, Humor Gazette