Media bloviators suck wind on Election
By Lars Trodson
The results are in and it's true: The old, white media bloviators
on the networks have served more time on TV than the oldest
member of the ancient Soviet Politburo, where it was patriotic
to die in office just after passing one's 90th birthday.
As the election night dragged on, the white, white-haired
pundits wheezed and huffed through their arid analyses, all
of them puffing out of their suits like so many blow-dried
Larry King looked so tired as he tried to figure out what
Wolf Blitzer was saying he had to prop his head up by resting
his chin on his hand.
MSNBC's Chris Matthews set a record for describing each new
non-event as "interesting." "This is so interesting,"
Matthews told his audience 1,042 times, one time for each
CNN's Jeff Greenfield, who had obviously been listening to
Joe Scarborough on MSNBC, sleepwalked through his analysis
and looked a bit ashen. Blitzer, in a moment of confusion,
gave electoral college votes to "President Kerry."
As cadaverous as Fox's Brit Hume looked, he still looked better
than the Gollum-like Carl Cameron.
The only fun of the night: the dagger-like stares emitting
from Andrea Mitchell's eyes every time Scarborough interrupted
her to offer another pearl of wisdom on MSNBC. The only problem
for Mitchell was that Scarborough, as annoying as he is, was
right most of the time.
And where was the ubiquitous Howard Fineman? Obviously blowdrying
his beautiful copper-colored hair and rethinking his plans
to join a Kerry admin. Maybe he can call the White House and
convince the Bushies he wasn't THAT much of a Kerry sycophant.
Fan writes moving letter to embattled media
Dear Mr. Bill O'Reilly:
Today's Media Horoscope
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) --
Your image as a bombastic crusader for morality
may be harmed by an underling who rejects your crude
romantic advances. Don't let sexual misconduct and
blatant hypocrisy dissuade you from spouting phony
platitudes about family values. A substantial cash
payoff should convince her to shut up.
I'm sorry to hear about your recent troubles, but I think
they will only serve to deepen your already profound understanding
of the human condition and to continue your unparalleled commitment
to guys like me, "Joe Six-Pack."
Anyway, as to why I'm writing. I know you've been looking
out for me, Bill. And I've been sticking with you, too. I've
been helping the cause for the little guy like me by buying
all your Factor gear, all the stuff you sell online, and it
certainly gives me comfort to look at all my Factor mugs and
tee shirts and other stuff that I have in my little room here.
I buy your books, too, although I have to admit I haven't
At any rate, Bill, I did something at work a little while
back. You see, I followed your advice about not making excuses
for myself, about admitting when I'm wrong, about taking it
like a man. When I admitted to my faults, Bill, I did it because
you gave me such good advice, over and over again, and because
I knew that you, too, would admit to anything if you were
also ever caught in a jam.
Well, I liked this girl at work, see, and you can relate
to that, Bill, and she liked me, or so I thought. I'd call
her up at home and tell her some things I thought would make
her feel good, things like taking her on vacation, or how
to make love like a porn star (I bought Ms. Jameson's book
because it seemed you liked Jenna, too, Bill), or what we
could do together in the shower.
Well, get this, Bill. She was no friend. She actually TAPED
our conversations and she went to management and guess what?
They asked me about it, and I thought to myself, well, what
would Bill do? I said he wouldn't spin it. He'd take responsibility
for it, if he ever did such a thing - which he would never
do, but anyway. Besides, I'm no idiot Democrat. I don't find
fault or blame for my actions. I'm no VICTIM. I admitted to
it, and guess what, Bill?
They fired me.
I don't really have any money for high-priced lawyers, or
even a low-priced lawyer for that matter, Bill. So now I'm
out after 17 years at the plant.
I don't need to tell you that things aren't going so well
right now, Bill. While I sure am happy I can still watch you
every night - luckily we have TV time at 8 o'clock - and know
you're still looking out for me. Because when I look at you,
Bill, I feel comfort and happiness knowing the system works
exactly as it always has, and you, with your tireless efforts
of late, are continuing to make sure of that.
Yes, sir. I sure am proud of you. And I know that you are
proud of me for owning up to my mistakes and admitting my
flaws, no matter what the cost. I may be out of a job and
in jail, but I have my integrity intact.
I just want to let you know that when I get back on my feet
I'll buy a whole new bunch of Factor stuff, because I know
if I do that they'll keep you on the air, and it'll give you
the energy and support you'll need to keep looking out for
the little guy - me. I'll do that, just as soon as I finish
up my sentence and get back into the workplace.
And, rest assured, Bill, even though I'm in prison here I'll
keep taking it like a man. Just as you would, I'm sure.
Thanks for the great advice over the years, Bill.
You're the best,
Poughkeepsie Correctional Facility
takes aim at gun-toter voters
By John Breneman
Eager to prove he's a macho regular guy, John Kerry went
hunting over the weekend and bagged a terrorist.
Clad in a $1.4 million L.L. Bean flak jacket and brandishing
a borrowed 12-gauge shotgun, Kerry emerged from an Ohio cornfield
flashing a bloody thumbs-up and reporting, "Everybody
An aide said Kerry planned to have his terrorist stuffed
and mounted in his den on Boston's Beacon Hill.
President Bush chided Kerry for posing as a phony terrorist
hunter and announced plans for a pre-election safari in Iraq,
during which he planned to blast at least five or six "freedom
Several pundits drew comparisons between Kerry's high-profile
hunting expedition and President Bush's decision to dress
up in a nifty Navy flightsuit for his infamous "Mission
Accomplished" moment, though some argued that Bush's
phony photo-op was at least 10 times phonier and more distasteful
In related news, the news media is trumpeting a possible
celebrity death match between Bill Clinton and Arnold Schwarzenegger
as both camps fire up their attack machines for a final week
of pounding each other's integrity in the battleground states.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) -- Excessive wordiness
may distract people from fully understanding your mixed messages.
Future job prospects may hinge on your ability to expose a
well-liked adversary's pathological dishonesty. Be decisive.
CANCER (June 21-July 22) -- Refuse to let facts and
common sense intrude on your vision of what is right. Affecting
a tough persona helps you compensate for feelings of intellectual
inadequacy. Don't be distracted by rising death tolls. Stay
Fixing the Sunday headlines
Perhaps you are one of the millions of Americans who likes
to read the Sunday paper to catch up on the news.
That's all well and good. But the paper doesn't tell the
whole story. In fact, did you know that most mainstream newspapers
are almost completely devoid of satire?
So if you feel you are not getting the whole story, that
your "traditional" newspaper does not provide you
with the timely, outrageous fake news that you need, look
no further than the Humor Gazette.
Today we introduce a new feature called "Behind the
Headlines." Or maybe it's called "Subversive Subheds"
Here's how it works: Below, printed in bold, are a
series of REAL headlines from Sunday's Boston Globe.
Repeat: the bold headlines are real. The trick
here is that printed just beneath the real headlines are what
we call FAKE headlines that add both humor and context to
the actual news. Ready?
Candidates' war rooms to reassess battle plans
Bush expected to pack heat for next debate
Supreme Court to start new term tomorrow
Majority of justices stand ready to reappoint Bush in '04
Gunfire, bombings kill 44 in India
That's OK, majority to be reincarnated as spider monkeys
At rumbling Mount St. Helens, hazard level is raised
Hundreds flee wrath of fiery mountain bitch
Afghan warlords hunt for votes
Local candidate promises two camels in every garage
Backroom dealing a Capitol trend
Key votes can sell for up to $14 million
Cheney presses Hussein-Qaeda link
VP still believes lying is key to victory on Nov. 2
Two soldiers write
about the depravity of war
This article is
One of the burning questions of this political season is
whether John Kerry participated in or was witness to acts
of depravity while a navy officer during Vietnam. The question
has opened up old wounds -- wounds not quite yet healed --
from 30 years ago. Kerry testified before Congress in the
early 1970s and repeated what some of his fellow soldiers
had told him about atrocities committed during battle.
But the very nature of the debate underscores, as it should,
the insanity of war. War creates an atmosphere where decent
people are thrown into a cauldron of madness, where the rules
of engagement change overnight, and where opportunities for
inhuman behavior present themselves when they otherwise, in
a less violent world, would not.
is easy for us, on the sidelines, to condemn what happened
at Abu Ghraib prison, or at Buchenwald, for that matter --
because we were not there. Would all of us have acted just
as inhumanly, as we would like to believe we never would?
That's the scary thing. Or would we have risen above the actions
of the mob to be the voice of sanity? We don't know.
But while we consider the question of whether John Kerry
is telling the truth or not, we can listen to two different
accounts from two different wars, both of which unveil the
sense of anger and chaos that war can cause. One, from the
Civil War, is told by an unnamed Connecticut soldier who recounts
a disgusting episode of casual bigotry. And the other is from
World War II veteran Lenny Bruce, who unleashes a torrent
of lingering resentment during a drug-besotted concert in
Did John Kerry witness acts of depravity during Vietnam?
Maybe, maybe not. But he had many brothers in arms who, unfortunately,
This is from an issue of the Connecticut War Record, published
The 21st (Conn. Volunteers) were ordered on board the
Transport "John Farren," but were subsequently disembarked
and returned to their position in the 'Rifle Pits.' We were
again ordered to embark, and returned to the boat for that
purpose. Arriving at the wharf we found that through some
misunderstanding of the Quartermaster, the 'John Farren,'
which was laden with all our baggage, had been completely
loaded down with negroes and their baggage. The way those
darkies and effects were transferred from the boat to the
shore 'was a caution' to the 'poor emancipated Africans.'
After the negroes were all disembarked our men were ordered
on board to unload the baggage, and mounting the hurricane
deck, where it had been packed away, they charged upon the
confused mass of African possessions and commenced transferring
them in a very unceremonious manner to the wharf. The scene
which followed baffles description - and I doubt if the history
of the whole war can present a like scene, or the Emancipation
Proclamation of Father Abraham ever called forth another such
sight. Feather beds fell like snow flakes, only rather more
forcibly, upon the heads of frantic searchers for 'their own'
household goods. Bedding, clothing, all manner of domestic
goods, filled the air and fell like rain in one confused and
inextricable mass. Wenches displaying the pluck and muscle
of a Hercules in giving punishment to some luckless darkey,
who in her fruitless search for her undiscovered property
had invaded the rights of another.
Hooped skirts were hurled gracefully from the deck to
come down enveloping some corpulent wench, and adding to her
wrath, already rampant. Some were crying, some laughing, some
fighting, and all wrangled amid the shower of 'bag and baggage,'
which 'mingling fell.' And thus we left them, to be subsequently
conveyed to Newbern, but if they ever live to sort that baggage
they will exceed the average length of African longevity.
Yes, well. And this is a report from the liberators.
On Dec. 4, 1964, Lenny Bruce performed at the Gate of Horn
nightclub. "Let the buyer beware," the emcee intones,
probably for two reasons. Bruce was known not just for his
comedy, but for his well-known use of obscenities. At this
concert, he also seems to be quite stoned.
Nonetheless, even under the influence, Bruce could be funny
and devastating. Here, he is slashing, as he asks the question
"Why are Americans hated everywhere?" He answers
it by recounting what he says happened between American soldiers
and the Europeans who were needing some of the things the
Americans carried. It isn't a happy tale, nor was it meant
think I did a little more traveling than anyone in this audience.
I think I've been on more invasions than anyone in this audience.
I was on six. I made some real daddies. I was on a cruiser
called the USS Brooklyn. I was a 2nd class gunners mate. I
was [unintelligible] from '42 to '45 July -- that's when Germany
fell, in July. Doing it's dirty. They hate Americans everywhere,
do you know why? Because they fucked all their mothers for
chocolate bars and don't you forget that, jim. You don't think
those kids have heard that since 1942? 'You know what those
Americans did to your poor mother?' They lined her up those
bastards -- your father had to throw up his poor guts in the
kitchen while he waited out there and that master sergeant
schtupped your poor mother for their stinkin' coffee and their
eggs and their friggin' cigarettes. Those Americans. That's
it, jim. That's all they've heard, those kids. Those kids
are now 23, 25 years old. The Americans. There's the guy that
did it to my mother. Would you assume that they would say
'There's the guy who fucked my mother. Thank you, thank you,
thank you. Thank you for that and for giving us candy?"
Lenny Bruce was arrested later in that performance and today
it's easy to ask: Was Bruce arrested for swearing, or for
saying things like the above which you could imagine were
the things no one, ever, wanted to hear?
War makes people do things and say things they'd rather never
have done in the first place and it certainly makes them do
things they'd just as soon forget.
One way, of course, to avoid this heartache is to not put
people in this terrible and unfair situation in the first
Osama world's least popular baby name
Moderate Arabs in America face a peculiar and growing crisis
-- what to name their children. Largely due to the rapid pace
of enemy-making under the Bush doctrine, more and more famous
terrorists are being cranked out every day, gradually winnowing
the available pool of appropriate Arabic baby names.
For instance, it would take a really "in your face"
fundamentalist Muslim to name his kid Osama. Likewise, Muktada
is now unavailable to the moderate Muslim family. While he
is unknown to most Americans, the terrorist exploits that
have landed Amjad Husain Farooqui at the top of the Sindh
police's most wanted terrorist list, have removed the very
popular name of Amjad from the lexicon of available Arabic
As if Abu Nidal's terrorist activities weren't enough, the
spate of car bombs in Iraq attributed to Abu Musab al-Zarqawi
has resulted in the name Abu dropping drastically in popularity.
The same is true of the name Omar, the moniker of the blind
cleric who masterminded the 1993 World Trade Center bombing.
There is always the default name of Mohammed as an option,
as Mohammed Atta's high profile participation in the terror
attacks of September 11 notwithstanding, the chief prophet
of Islam will never be eclipsed by any single terrorist. Still,
most modern American Arabs are looking for something with
a bit more panache than the tried and true Mohammed.
Other second tier terrorist names, not well-known in the
states yet, but still famous for terrorism among those in
the know include Shoukat, Asif, Naveed, Syed, Chhota, and
"It's terrible really," said New York City cab
driver Ahkmed Hassim. "Our first son, Osama, was born
in 1995, and now all of the kids at school are constantly
bombarding him with spitballs, knocking his turban off, that
sort of thing. We have another child on the way, and we don't
want to make the same mistake again."
White Americans have traditionally fallen victim to relatively
few scourges, and as such have not had to deal with the problem
of a lack of appropriate baby names. As long as Mom and Dad
stay off the sauce through the paperwork and avoid "Adolph,"
"Ghengis," and "Tojo," it is usually smooth
identity-sailing for little Egbert. Not so for followers of
"Look, it's already hard enough enduring the stares
and muttered curses," Ahkmed Hassim said. "We don't
need people to think we're trying to make a point with our
children's names. I blame Bush for this. If he weren't so
unilateral in his foreign policy, there wouldn't be this kind
of violent reaction from the Islamic world. One thing is for
sure. If it's a boy, I'm definitely not naming him George."
Gazette endorses Bush
Now more than ever, as we wage the war against terror in
Washington and Iraq, America needs a brash, uncompromising
president who is not afraid to take action in the face of
questionable intelligence -- a man capable of making profound,
far-reaching decisions undistracted by knowledge, logic and
Winning the White House's war in Iraq will require a
cocky, shoot-from-the-lip leader
who doesn't give a Texas damn what other nations think of
us -- an aggressive, unapologetic war president determined
to ignore and discredit nagging voices of dissent during these
Now more than ever America needs George W. Bush, shrewd son
of a rich Republican dynasty who understands it is more imperative
to talk about moral values than to actually embody them --
faux gun-slinger skilled in shrugging off seemingly
damaging developments with a soundbite and a smirk.
When the Good Lord informed President Bush that Saddam Hussein
must go, he did not waver or fret about international opposition.
He wisely heeded God's
instructions, smoked the WMD-packing madman into a
hole and took him out.
The world is surely a safer place now that the al Qaeda-loving
dictator is no longer in power. Who could deny that we become
more secure with each terrorist who is killed or stacked up
naked in a pile?
Indeed, we know we are safer because -- though the wrath
of Allah may rain down upon us at any moment -- President
Bush keeps repeating that he is making us safer.
Quibbling over past statements about weapons of mass destruction
and links between Iraq and al Qaeda does not do America any
good now. This anti-Bush rhetoric is the stuff of simpering
Saddam sympathizers who think they can have their uranium
yellow cake and eat it too.
Sometimes we are moved to ask: What part of "you're
with us or you're with the terrorists" don't these people
Also hurting the cause are those who would question why 1,000
young Americans must make the ultimate sacrifice to take over
a country where no weapons have yet been found. To this we
say, simply: Freedom-hating thug. Hated America. Madman. World
a safer place.
may seize upon some of the
president's words to paint him as a thick-headed,
born-again slacker who is intellectually and morally unfit
for his job as leader of the free world. Some
even mock his alternative pronunciation of the explosively
symbolic word "nuclear."
But when the president said recently, "Our enemies are
innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop
thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people,
and neither do we," he meant to trumpet his vigilance
against evildoers, not re-ignite charges that his administration's
actions have put us at greater risk. We must understand that
this is a man so composed in the face of an unspeakable tragedy
that he continued to read "My
Pet Goat" to schoolchildren upon learning of
the Sept. 11 attacks.
Yes, do not misunderestimate George W. Bush. Family jewels
and fancy schools do not guarantee a facility with fancy words
like "malfeasance" and "subliminible."
So what if he has five ways to say "Abu
Ghraib" or seems to have forgotten about bin
The important thing is he believes he has the ability to
communicate with the Lord, and thus will not be constrained
by the separation of church and state as he protects the God-given
right of each fetus to own a gun.
We must not let some decorated military "hero"
cut short the divine mission of a man who whose own stealthy
service during the Vietnam War helped keep the homefront safe
See, the president has told us in no uncertain terms that
his bleeding Purple Heart liberal opponent plans to raise
taxes by $8 trillion, decimate the U.S. military and stamp
out family values.
Yes, America should be wary of John Kerry. What kind of flip-flopper
fights bravely for his country then turns around and talks
about the horrors of war?
President Bush not only supported the war in Vietnam, he
completed his Air National Guard service so masterfully that
there are no eye-witness accounts of it to be found, and certainly
no embarrassing politically motivated Bronze Star incidents.
Now, as commander-in-chief, he battles enemies old and new
while protecting our way of life from threats posed by stem-cell
research, gun control and the ultimate menace to our society,
And so, as the most important election of our time draws
near, do not be fooled by partisan Democratic claims or valid
independent research that President Bush has harmed the economy
with his tax cuts for the rich, damaged our nation's stature
in the eyes of the world and needlessly sacrificed thousands
of American and Iraqi lives.
As the president might say, now is not the time to not stay
the course. Make no mistake, that would be a victory for the
terrorists as they keep trying to weaken our resolve.
So if you want a president who would never exercise sensitivity
in bludgeoning Iraq into democracy, a president who understands
that a rising death toll means lower unemployment, a president
whose men will do whatever it takes to get him back into the
White House, vote for George W. Bush on November 2.
Editor, Humor Gazette
The N-U-C-L-E-A-R litmus test
The Democratic National Convention is behind us, and the
case has been stated for change. There have been niceties
and tributes, and there has been rancor and vitriol. Surely
though, the event's highlight was John Kerry's acceptance
speech. Kerry touched upon on all relevant points that will
determine the election's outcome, and he did so with all of
the grace that could have been expected. One particularly
high point for me was his pronunciation of the word "nuclear."
The "c" was pronounced immediately before the "l"
and there was no insertion between the two letters of an arbitrary
letter "y." To appropriate a well-worn phrase, John
Kerry hit the pronunciation of the word "nuclear"
out of the park.
It was awesome. For the first time since Al Gore's campaign
four years ago, I was observing a man in the pursuit of our
highest office who could pronounce a word that most of us
grew up with. MORE
Chris Elliott can be reached at CDElliott009@aol.com