Monday, Aug. 2, 2004

Here is the text of John Kerry's speech accepting the Democratic nomination for president of the United States.

Kerry passes key litmus test:
He can pronunce the word 'nuclear'
By Chris Elliott

22 Reasons to
Vote for John Kerry

President Bush received
faulty intelligence from God

He dropped a comic bomb

And he thinks he's a cowboy

Bush is packing Saddam's gun

He has trouble communicating

And he may be a clone

Plus he has a forked tongue

And a malignant fib-nose

Osama's on the loose

Bush wants to rape the Constitution

He evaded Boy Scout duty

His henchmen targeted this
publication with smear campaign

Bush is an environmental retard

And he thinks global warming
is good for the economy

Donald Trump fired him

Also ...

Politcally motivated terror alerts

Abu Ghraib

Newsweek poll

Space cadet

Purple Chin award

No Slacker Left Behind

Language Police cracking down

Gazette endorses Kerry

Though primarily a humor publication,
the Humor Gazette is run by a longtime journalist who reserves the right to be serious from time to time about important issues facing America and the world.
John Breneman, Editor

As he did during the complicated political season leading up to the state primaries, and as he continued to do during the time he was the apparent Democratic nominee for president, and as he showed throughout the rousing and elegant speech he gave at the Democratic convention in Boston, John Kerry proved he is determined to chip away at the fortified rock of skepticism that most Americans feel about the political system in this country.

Kerry's eloquent theme of inclusion, unity and hope were not based in either party politics or in government legislation, but rather in the idea that America can indeed prosper and, most importantly, be strengthened through the commonality of the simple but egregiously overlooked and undervalued themes of this republic: decency, compassion and simple respect.

These words, though familiar, are the bedrock of both the United States Constitution and its Declaration of Independence. And they will play an ever more important role in how this country conducts itself, how it is perceived and how its desires are accepted throughout the world in the coming years of the 21st century.

And so the strength of this country, under a Kerry administration, will not be just economic, or militaristic -- both important and encompassing -- but spiritual, as well. And by spiritual we mean the natural and abiding spirit of patriotism that lives within most Americans. This is the spirit that will encourage us to take care of each other.

Because John Kerry understands this, and because John Edwards understands this, we are endorsing the Democratic ticket to lead this country for the next four years.

John Kerry's challenge to us all, one that is no doubt supported by the unbending optimism of Edwards, is to ask us to reconsider the idea that we are not a country divided by political party, by the color of skin, by the denomination of parish, by the size of our paychecks, or by the disparities of our backgrounds. Rather, John Kerry and John Edwards are asking us to remember -- a reminder that could not be any more timely -- that our purpose as Americans is to leave our community, our state, our country and world in better shape than we found it.

President George W. Bush tapped into a popular sentiment four years ago when he promised to be a "uniter not a divider" but he has not followed through on that sentiment. While divisiveness may be fodder for talk show hosts and political pundits and, yes, satirists, it is not the business of the American people. Everywhere people are asking for a return to civility. We are striving for peace -- not just in the world, but in our neighborhoods and our schools.

If John Kerry and John Edwards follow through on the promises they are making along the campaign trail, if they continue their themes of bright hope, and less corrosive political behavior, not only will they begin to win over the hearts and minds of the very many American who have dropped out of the political process, but their ability to work with a sense of bipartisanship will serve to seeing much of their important legislation passed.

It is not enough to think these good thoughts, of course. The war on terrorism must continue to be fought. The situation in Iraq is as delicate as any the world has ever known. We have other hot spots -- Iran, North Korea -- and of course there is a growing global population that must be fed and kept healthy. The challenges facing our little planet are daunting and exhausting.

If there is an area that received too little notice during the Democratic convention, it is the environment. The health of our natural resources is the fount out of which our success or failure as a country and as a world will grow. If there is too little water, too little space, too few fish, too much smog, and too little money put into solving these problems, then the fight against terrorism will seem almost parochial by comparison.

The countries of this planet shifted, in the last half of the 20th century, from looking forward to simply trying to maintain the status quo. We have stopped investing in the future because the present state of affairs has become too complicated and expensive to manage. There's no time for planning.

John Kerry and John Edwards must, when they enter the White House, begin a global campaign to reverse this mode of thinking. They have the natural hope and optimism to make this happen.

We urge the vast legion of smart, invested and interested readers who use the Internet to change this world for the better to commit themselves to the Kerry/Edwards ticket in November.

Humor Gazette
Editorial Board

John Breneman
Lars Trodson
Chris Elliott
Jeff Raper

It is, as John Kerry said, time for a change.




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