Trump to Bush: 'You're fired'

By John Breneman

Donald Trump called President George W. Bush into his boardroom today to deliver bad news to the embattled CEO of America Inc.

"You're fired."

The superstar New York developer cushioned the blow by saying he might be able to find something for Bush as a mid-level executive in one of his shell companies or perhaps "clearing brush" outside one of his skyscrapers.

"For a guy with a bachelor's from Yale and an MBA from Harvard, you don't have much sense, do you?" said Trump, who seemed to enjoy making Bush squirm a bit before dropping the axe on the slack-jawed former president.

Trump said Bush had already been on thin ice for leading his organization into an expensive, high-risk war that offered little potential for return on the massive investment of taxpayer money.

But the final straw was the recent revelation that the president knew all along his $400 billion Medicare plan would actually cost $550 billion. Like many Americans, Trump also seemed bothered that the White House misled the world about weapons of destruction.

After sleeping on what he said was a difficult decision, the man known as "The Donald" he woke up, dragged a $6,000 Armani comb through his fabulous hair helmet and ordered his helicopter pilot, Jeeves, to zoom down to Washington to give "The Dubya" his walking papers.

Trump, who briefly explored a presidential run in 1999, said he would consider filling in as interim president, as long as he didn't have to take orders from Vice President Dick Cheney like Bush does.

The star of the hot new reality TV show, "The Apprentice," Trump furthered justified sacking the president by saying that, under Bush, the federal deficit is expanding almost as fast as his own gargantuan ego.

In the end, Trump concluded, he had little choice but to can Bush "despite all those crazy tax cuts he dishes out for insanely wealthy guys like me."

Of course the decision was "nothing personal," Trump reminded Bush. "Just business."

Kerry claims proof Bush lied about Iraq

By John Breneman

A John Kerry supporter claims to have conclusive photographic evidence that President Bush lied about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. The picture was allegedly taken Saturday in Orlando, Fla., during a 15-minute Bush stopover to bag $200,000 each from a bunch of businessmen who want a piece of him.

As the president began fielding a question about Iraq, his nose reportedly appeared to sprout from his face, reaching nearly three inches as he continued on about the economy and the real cost of Medicare.

A leading Democratic spin doctor who analyzed an X-ray of the image said the prognosis is grim, possibly terminal, for the Bush presidency. Dr. Dawn Key said the malignant fib-nose may leave the president with as little as eight months to lead.

Democratic spin doctor says X-ray of malignant
fib-nose shows Bush may have as little as eight months to lead.

But Dr. Ella Funt, a respected GOP spin doctor, dismissed that as a partisan diagnosis and said the photo was probably doctored, like the one Republican supporters were distributing of John Kerry and Jane Fonda.

Furthermore, she said, the president's tendency to fudge the truth could not possibly cause such extreme enlargement of the proboscis, unless of course the president was actually a Pinocchio-like marionette, manipulated by, say, Donald Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney.

President Aleksander Kwasniewski of Poland, who complained Thursday he was "misled" about Saddam Hussein's weapons of mass destruction, said the hapless marionette theory would help explain why Bush seemed so oblivious to the apparent Halliburton conflict of interest fiasco.

Kerry, meanwhile, boasted that dozens of world leaders called to tell him they want Bush out, a few even mocking the president's own cowboy-speak by adding, "dead or alive."

However, a GOP political analyst said the White House is unconcerned. Bush's standing with his conservative base remains strong, especially now that he's reversed his previous position and called for an anti-gay marriage amendment to the Constitution.

The American people, he said, won't be fooled by the Democratic tactic of calling the Bush administration dishonest about everything from job projections and the deficit to WMD claims and Medicare (both the phony news video and the part about threatening to fire actuary Richard S. Foster if he told the truth about the pesky $1.5 cost overrun).

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Latest telephone poll reveals: Americans hate telephone polls

By John Breneman

A recent Humor Gazette/XYZ poll revealed 59% of registered Democrats believe President Bush's blatantly political anti-gay marriage amendment constitutes nothing short of attempted same-sex assault against the U.S. Constitution.

The same poll indicated 82% of Republican voters believe John Kerry is waffling on whether continuing to waffle is a sound political strategy, based on the latest polls.

This is valuable information. Trouble is, Americans are becoming increasingly annoyed with telephone surveys. This according to an annoying telephone survey just released by U.S. pollster Polls R Us.

"We called 950 U.S. citizens from all walks of life -- most of them just as they were sitting down to dinner -- and 94% of them made it strikingly clear that they are extremely annoyed by telephone surveys," said company spokesman Richard Click.

The number of respondents who politely declined to participate has dropped sharply; and 63% of those contacted invoked at least one expletive before slamming the receiver down, up from 44% in a similar poll conducted last month.

The range of expletives also has expanded, according to Click, who noted that one particularly creative curser unleashed a barrage of invective featuring multiple ethnic slurs and five crude anatomical references, one involving a genetically engineered donkey.

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"Our research shows that Americans truly hate unsolicited telephone calls," said Click, whose firm is on target to initiate 4.2 million unsolicited calls in the first quarter of 2004.

Among the 6% of respondents who said they don't mind participating in telephone polls, nearly half reported that they approve of President Bush's efforts to avoid a worldwide nuclear war but would feel safer if he could pronounce the word "nuclear."

Two-thirds of those surveyed said the media is far too infatuated with polls, which really have no value other than to produce meaningless date upon which pundits can pundificate.

The latest Polls R Us poll, which has a margin of error of plus or minus 143%, also revealed the following:

2% of respondents claimed they were much smarter and better looking than the other 98%.

106% of those surveyed said Americans must improve their math skills to better compete in the global economy.

Cracking down on the boob tube

Michael Powell of the Federal Censorship Commission urged Congress to declare war on the F-word, the C-word and the First Amendment..

By John Breneman

The House of Representatives has voted to come down hard on obscenity, punishing purveyors of naughty words and "wardrobe malfunctions" with stiff penal action.

Following prolonged oral intercourse on the controversial topic, the House voted 391-22 to raise to $500,000 the maximum fine for any entertainer who says (bleep), exposes his/her (bleep) or otherwise misbehaves on the airwaves.

The Broadcast Decency Enforcement Act of 2004 (H.R. 3717) imposes harsh fines for using words like zoinks, yowzah and fiddlesticks; poopshoot, egad and Jesus H. Chrysler. Also on the FCC shhhhit list: shiitake mushrooms, fudge and fizzuck.

The bill further mandates that anyone who says a bad word on radio or television must have their mouth washed out with soap. And any entertainer who grabs his crotch -- or someone else's -- must film a public service announcement warning young viewers about the dangers of crotch grabbing.

"Our children have been traumatized by the horror of Janet Jackson's mammary gland. Enough is enough," said Rep. Joe Pitts (R-Penn.), interviewed between soundbites of President Bush calling a New York Times reporter an "@$$(bleep)" and trying to sexually assault the U.S. Constitution.

Michael Powell, chairman of the Federal Censorship Commission (FCC), urged Congress to declare war on the F-word, the S-word, the C-word, the N-word, the P-word and the First Amendment.

Studies show the average American youth watches 3 hours and 43 minutes of television each day, during which time they witness countless murders, drive-bys, gang-bangs and mind-numbing morons pretending to deliver "news."

This is OK.

But critics say the epidemic of bad language and bad flesh on TV has been proven to cause moral decline, impudence and potty mouth among viewers under age 15.

Prolonged exposure to televised indecency also impairs children's ability to distinguish between shows that promote wholesome family values and those deemed vulgar by some pandering, adulterous politician.

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