intelligence decision lacks intelligence
In nominating Rep. Porter J. Goss of Florida to head up the
C.I.A., President Bush wisely went for a loyal Republican
who has already attacked the intelligence record of the man
who is trying to take his new boss's job.
Intelligence experts say the intelligence post nomination
is generating a stream of intelligence (or "chatter")
suggesting that partisan attacks are likely. It also led to
the following exchange at the Tuesday morning Rose Garden
HUMOR GAZETTE: Mr. President why did you select a
man who, according to the New
York Times, denounced John Kerry's intelligence record
on the House floor in June and whose own work providing oversight
of the C.I.A. as chairman of the House Intelligence Committee
was deemed ineffective by the commission investigating the
PRESIDENT BUSH: "If I told you that, I'd have
to kill you. Heh, heh."
"Just kidding," said Bush, whose trademark smirk
then turned into a grimace when he was asked how his plan
for a national director of intelligence who would assume some
of the C.I.A. chief's traditional duties would affect Goss's
"Beats me," said the president.
This just in from the New York Times: "The office of
director of intelligence has got to be kept out of politics,"
said Stansfield Turner, director of central intelligence under
President Jimmy Carter. "It's already lost a lot of its
credibility with the American public over weapons of mass
destruction, and this is not going to help its credibility.
People will say, 'Is he really telling us the truth, is he
really telling the president the truth?' "
But at least Rep. Goss is tough. The Times also reports:
"Democrats who serve on Mr. Goss's committee charge that
he has ignored legislation they submitted four months ago
to reform the intelligence community along the lines that
the Sept. 11 commission recommended."
The Humor Gazette has learned that Mr. Goss's secret code
name might be "T-Bone," in order to confuse a terrorist
who might think he'd be named after a Porterhouse steak.
Other possible code names for Goss, himself a former spy:
"Gator," "Hoover," "Stovepipe"
and "Albatross," the last a satiric reference to
his potential to be a liability at a time of alleged politicization
of intelligence, from the threat of WMDs in Iraq to politically
convenient terror alerts.
Ridge terror alert smells fishy
to harsh criticism from the New
York Times that his Crayola-based terror alert system
is more useful to late-night comedians than the American public,
Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge today announced that
he is switching to a fish-based system.
Henceforth, instead of standing in front of a color-coded
chart while simultaneously warning Americans to be very afraid
and reassuring them about "the president's leadership
in the war against terror," Ridge will simply spread
his hands apart - close together if the terror threat is minimal,
and very far apart if an attack seems imminent.
On occasion, he may use an actual fish. Perhaps one swordfish
if the terrorists are coming by land, two North Atlantic salmon
if by sea. Three flying fish if the bastards are coming by
plane again. And a standard 12-inch parrotfish when bursting
onto the scene at politically convenient moments to hail the
captain's firm hand at the helm.
at risk of attack by giant pterodactyl
Nostradamus issues terror warning
Citing new intelligence received from Nostradamus, Tom Ridge
today warned all Americans to "hold onto their hats."
Ridge, director of the U.S. Department of Terror, said agents
have discovered a new document in which the mysterious 16th-century
prophet speaks of a "grave and gathering danger"
posed by an unidentified "beast from the Middle East."
The fact that the new terror alert comes on the heels of
the John Kerry's rousing speech at the Democratic National
Convention is just a coincidence, said Ridge, who nevertheless
warned that registered Democrats may be at heightened risk.
"The terrorists hate the word 'democracy' so much they
are hoping to kill as many Democrats as possible," said
Ridge, who urged all Dems to re-register as Republicans and
vote for President Bush "just to be safe."
Ridge, who has been criticized for issuing vague terror alerts
timed to counter any Democratic momentum in the presidential
race, said the Nostradamus prophecy was fairly specific. It
read, in part:
"Some asshole named Mohammed, or maybe Abdul, will
try to blow something up. But instead of a metal bird crashing
down from the sky, look for a brownish 1989 Toyota SR5 pickup
truck loaded with ammonium nitrate."
As further evidence that a terrorist strike may be imminent,
Ridge said President Bush mentioned that in his most recent
conversation with God, the Supreme Being seemed a little edgy
but would not say why.
The fact that a faceless enemy may wipe us off the map at
any moment does not conflict with President Bush's claim that
he has made America safer, according to Ridge, who confided
that Nostradamus also praised Bush for "the president's
leadership in the war against terror."
Responding to skeptics, Ridge pointed out that Nostradamus
correctly foretold the breakup of Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck,
and rise of so-called "reality programming," which
he called simply "mindless drivel." The terror czar
hinted there might be some additional Nostradamus "chatter"
containing dirt on John Kerry, but did not elaborate.
Critics counter that the visionary Frenchman failed to predict
that President Bush would choke on a pretzel, fall off his
bike (twice) and respond to the darkest hour of his administration
by continuing to read "My Pet Goat" to a group of
Gazette endorses Kerry
Though primarily a humor publication, the Humor Gazette is
run by actual journalists who reserve the right to be serious
about important issues facing America and the world. See our
John Kerry promised Thursday night to be a commander in chief
will never mislead us into war." Here is the
text of Kerry's speech accepting the Democratic nomination
for president. Also, some analysis
by David Corn, Washington editor of The Nation magazine
and author of "The Lies of George W. Bush: Mastering
the Politics of Deception."
discovers evidence of Iraq WMDs
Humor Gazette investigative reporter Chris
Elliott has discovered shocking evidence that Saddam
Hussein possessed weapons of mass destruction.
The smoking gun? A slick Madison Avenue-quality advertisement
for a hideous biological weapon called "Kurd
Be Gone," described as "the latest in tribe
control products from Hussein Laboratories."
The ad boasts that Hussein's genocide product is "a
triple cocktail of hanta virus, bubonic plague and strychnine
delivered in a fine airborne mist." Elliott found the
advertisement in a dumpster in the dangerous Thump
City district of Baghdad.
A White House spokesman said there can be little doubt the
ad is authentic because it so clearly supports the administration's
claim that Hussein actually had weapons. President Bush responded,
"See? Told you he had WMDs. Nah nah, nah nah nah."
Saddam pens anti-Bush poetry
-- Saddam Hussein is passing his time in solitary confinement
by reading the Koran, writing poetry, gardening and snacking
on American-style cookies and muffins
Humor Gazette has obtained several of Hussein's poems from
a source close to the guy who smuggles in his favorite Oreos,
Keeblers and Little Debbie Snack Cakes.
The Iraqi human rights minister who visited him in prison
said Hussein, who used to get his cardio workout by butchering
people for 30 minutes each day, has put on 11 pounds and is
thinking of starting the Atkins lo-carb diet. He is also being
treated for an itchy beard and suffers from chronic dictator's
In addition to writing poetry, the Iraqi rhapsodist spends
his days drawing Devil horns on photographs of President Bush
and silk-screening his new line of "High-Value Detainee"
"Ode to George W. Bush"
Bush, you oil-sucking piece of devil dung
You took my country and whacked my sons and
yanked me from a rathole
but you are messing with the wrong "cowpoke" my
mentally challenged friend
You swore I had nuclear yellow cake mustard
and linked me with that Osama douchebag
so when my freedom tunnel is finished
I'm gonna get Mesopotamian on your ass
You killed your own people to take me out
and now you're stuck with my stink forever
Plus, you and your God can shove it cause
Allah says you suck
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Dubya got boned
in the butt by Abu
Bubble bubble oil and trouble
Bush is dumber than Barney Rubble
The madman has even tried haiku
Mother of all warmongers
"Read My Lips"
Daddy Bush missed me
Georgie Junior bagged Baghdad
Homeland Security horoscope
Homeland Security guru Tom Ridge consults his imaginary
Memo: U.S. Department of Homeland Security
Secretary Tom Ridge, in consultation with the nation's
top astrological experts, today issued the following Risk
ARIES (March 21-April 19) Use common sense when dealing
with a grave and gathering menace. Consensual physical affection
with a loved one can temporarily numb the haunting specter
of imminent mayhem. The future is guardedly bright.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20) Good day to assess your surroundings
for vulnerabilities and take protective measures to mitigate
them. Don't let emotion cloud your judgment on severing ties
with a relative who may be a security risk. Be wary of unfamiliar
GEMINI (May 21-June 20) Monitor your transportation
systems to insure readiness in the event of an evening terrorist
incursion. Making an obscene gesture in traffic could lead
to an unwanted gunshot wound. Vary your daily routine.
CANCER (June 21-July 22) Be patient if a loved one's
fear of nuclear annihilation causes him or her to question
your preparedness. Biweekly drills help you familiarize family
personnel with your emergency response plan. Stock up on duct
LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) A breathtaking sunrise reminds
you the end could come before dusk. Coordinate your personal
security efforts with local emergency personnel and law enforcement
agencies. Do not let your identity fall into enemy hands.
VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Seek creative new ways to
disguise your attractiveness as a potential terrorist target.
Be sure to exercise appropriate precautions in the event of
an unexpected romantic encounter. Avoid naked aggression.
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Redirect your personal resources
to give priority to critical emergency needs. Treating yourself
to a canister of pepper spray can add zest to your paranoia.
Turn your stress about man's inherent capacity for evil into
SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) The threat of media chatter
is heightened today. Follow established protocols when dealing
with the rhetoric of swarthy political extremists. News reports
of possible terrorist activity may be inaccurate or exaggerated.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Think twice before utilizing
free speech to criticize the government. Sacrificing a few
civil liberties will help the shadowy forces protect you.
Limit your contact with those who exhibit an unkempt appearance
or beady eyes.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) A moment of serenity will
likely be dashed by a sudden heightening of tension. Promptly
report any suspicious individuals or activity to the Department
of Homeland Security. Vigilance is next to godliness.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Going somewhere you've
never been could be asking for trouble. Restrict access to
your home and work environments to essential personnel only.
Don't succumb to a panic attack: Today's threat level for
apocalyptic doom is LOW.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) Undertake further refinement
of household protective measures within the context of current
threat information. Unnecessary friendliness could cause unforeseen
complications. Fortify your perimeter.
Let phony horoscopes guide you
Newspaper horoscopes are stupid, right? The savvy reader
knows they're just pithy snippets of random advice whose actual
relevance to our lives is either purely coincidental or completely
But they can be fun if not taken too seriously. In that spirit,
the planets have aligned to cast an irreverent aura over my
karma. The result may seem somewhat astro-illogical.
President cloned by Dr. Gene Meddler
By John Breneman
at the University of South Berwick announced today they have
successfully cloned a multi-cell organism that bears a striking
resemblance to President George W. Bush. The president sharply
criticized the scientific breakthrough as "morally wrong."
But the Bush clone (dubbed W2) believes just as strongly that
human cloning is "morally right." This according
to its creator, Dr. Gene Meddler.
the brand new
about Rolling Stones' age
to the groom
I'm tying the knot this weekend. Below is a note I wrote
to a friend of mine a little while back when he was getting
Dear Chris --
I'm thrilled and honored that you've asked me to be your
best man. I hope I can help in some small way to make your
wedding day unforgettable. Just got your tuxedo instructions
in the mail, but it turns out I won't need to be fitted after
I have a wardrobe of about 15 custom tuxes for all occasions
but am having a new one tailored for your special day. I'm
sure you and Lisa won't mind that I have added a few flourishes.
It will be the traditional black velvet, of course, an Armani
"Monkey Suit" model with prehensile tails. I've
taken the liberty of adding a broad, white Formula One-style
racing stripe down my back, with the numerals 910 emblazoned
next to it. The suit is fire-retardant, of course, and conforms
to rigorous NASCAR safety specifications.
I've also added a trifle of raspberry wainscotting to the
jacket and faux alligator-skin ruffles to the legs of my see-through
Ralph Lauren pants.
I will be sporting a military-fatigue utility cummerbund,
with velcro pockets to accommodate my arsenal of weapons,
communications devices and intoxicants.
My bowtie is a little something I found at Weddingo's Novelty
Shoppe. It is fluorescent black and will spin around at a
rate of approximately 600 revolutions per minute.
state-of-the-art neckwear will emit a high-pitched squealing
sound and shoot white sparks approximately five feet into
the air, but its force should not be sufficient to lift me
off the ground at any point during the ceremony.
In recognition of my religious beliefs, I will have to insist
on wearing a 4-foot-tall chromium alloy cross around my neck,
encrusted with polished gravel and etched with the likenesses
of Pedro Martinez, Speed Racer and Jesus.
I plan to wear my favorite Indonesian-rules kickboxing gloves,
if that is OK, and my steel-toed platform Doc Marten boots.
Black, of course.
I've created a lovely organic cauliflower boutonniere, but
am waffling on whether to wear my "Whack Iraq" stickpin.
The timeless elegance of matching 4-carat diamond tongue
and nose studs should round out the ensemble quite nicely,
I guess that's about it -- other than my Jose Cuervo eyepatch,
my 3-foot-tall Dr. Seuss top hat and my fire-red "Congratulations
Chris and Lisa" neck tattoo.
Looking forward to the big day!
PS -- Just let me know if you want me to take care of the
Bush received faulty intelligence from
A Senate panel not only determined the U.S. used bad information
to justify the war in Iraq, it also weighed in on a report
that President Bush may have received faulty intelligence
Bush, who claims to have consulted the Lord before making
the decision to go to war, said God convinced him that Iraq
had weapons of mass destruction and told him Saddam Hussein
was a "madman" and a "freedom-hating thug."
When asked specifically if Hussein was connected to al Qaeda,
Bush said the Creator-in-Chief responded, "Yep."
But the Senate panel investigating pre-war intelligence said
that, even though the president talks about religion a lot
and ends every speech with the words "God Bless America,"
it could find no direct link between President Bush and the
However, Vice President Dick Cheney defended a possible White
House-Heaven link, saying the absence of documentation that
Bush talked directly to God does not mean such a meeting did
not take place.
Washington observers say the possibility that Bush got bad
intelligence from "the man upstairs" has not diminished
the president's faith in God. Bush has resisted pressure to
dump the Lord from his Cabinet and said the omnipotent deity
is doing "a fabulous job."
Supporters say they cannot blame Bush for faulty intelligence
about Iraq's weapons if it came directly from the great warrior
in the sky. Democrats, however, claim the intelligence failure
between Bush and the Lord dates back as early as 1946, when
God created the future president.
Please consider casting a vote for the Humor Gazette
Protest being outsourced by protesters
Mary O'Bannon, a day care worker from Ames, Iowa,
is "hassled by the man" while advocating
social consciousness in her part-time job as a hired
There is a growing trend among protesters in America to outsource
many of their protests to India, Pakistan, Egypt, and other
countries. Protesters complain that for one thing, there is
just too much for them to protest.
"You got Bush with his schnoz so far up Cheney's keister
he should probably check for polyps while he's up there,"
remarked Granny D, New Hampshire senatorial candidate.
Granny claims that between the savaging of the environment,
racial oppression, the rush toward gross inequality, and the
new imperialism, you could make protesting pretty much a full-time
job. Granny sponsors two protesters, both from Indonesia.
"What's wrong with hiring a couple of shoe-bombers to
hold a sign? They get their four bucks an hour and we get
meat in the seats," Granny D said.
Outsourced protesters are typically flown in on a sketchy
secret transcontinental version of ValuJet, given six-month
visas, and worked six days a week for 10 hours protesting
Tarik Nadeem is a nuclear physicist Ph.D. but couldn't find
a job in India because he is unattractive and smells. "I
had no idea protesting was so difficult. I never would have
come. I would rather sit in my own filth in the slums of New
Delhi than protest for one of these spoiled Americans ever
again," Nadeem said.
When the Humor Gazette news team caught up to Nadeem, he
was peeling off his lobster costume at the end of a 90-degree
July day. He had been protesting the concept of lobster harvesting
at Mary Tyler Moore's annual fundraiser for buying lobsters
and setting them free again.
"They are lobsters for, as you say, Christ's sake,"
Nadeem said. "If a person's name can raise that kind
of money, do it for something godly, which is to suggest something
kind to human beings. We are setting lobsters free when if
children were able to eat them they would not die. This woman
is a crackpot. She used to be very funny, but now, she is
Nadeem had time enough to shower, get a quick bite to eat,
and pray before going to bed in time to get six hours sleep
before his next protest. Ironically, he was scheduled to be
at a seven o'clock event protesting outsourcing. "This
is crazy," Nadeem said. "I am protesting what I
am doing to make a living. It is like the hunter purposefully
Nadeem briefly wept into his hands, then looked up. "The
man who hired me is a hippie. He is a dirty, smelly man, and
believe me, it takes one to know one. I think he has a trust
Any nation with an educated work force and a depressed economy
is an ideal place for protest outsourcing. It is conceivable
then that Iran could be a future pool of American protesters.
Perhaps disenfranchised Iranians will be soon imported into
the United States to hone their Western hatred on the bankrolls
of trust fund hippies staying home and smoking $400-an-ounce
rock star pot.
Graham Stokes is a graphic artist from El Cerrito, California,
who sponsors numerous foreign protesters. "One is Indian,
and the rest are Pakistani. I find that the Pakistanis make
vigorous protesters," Stokes said. "Today they are
all going to a protest of the World Trade Organization. I'm
really angry about globalization, but I have to go to an art
opening and I can't make it myself. Still, I want my voice
to be heard."
So why not just hire Mexicans and save the plane fare? "They
lack the gravitas of Pakistanis," Stokes said. "Besides,
they're usually short and don't make for very good television."
Hussein attorneys claim he's insane
Legal analysts say Saddam Hussein plans to fight charges
of war crimes and genocide by pleading temporary insanity.
"I am Saddam Hussein, president of Iraq," said
the disgraced ex-dictator, adding, "Saddam I am. I do
not like green eggs and ham."
Hussein told an Iraqi judge that he is also a CIA hitman,
a Mesopotamian deity and a porn star known by the stage name
Dick Tater. The desperate Hussein also claimed he partied
with Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld back in 1983-84.
Noted legal superstar Johnnie Cochran told Don Imus that
he told Oprah that Hussein's insanity defense is bolstered
by the fact that President Bush has called him a "madman"
approximately 12,465 times since Sept. 1, 2001.
But White House spokesman Scott McClellan responded that
Bush used the term "rhetorically," much like the
words "grave and gathering threat," "weapons
of mass destruction" and "links to al Qaeda."
McClellan reminded reporters that God had specifically instructed
President Bush to take over Iraq and fulfill his destiny as
a war president, even if it meant getting thousands of people
Hussein defense attorney F. Lee Chalabi said his client has
been a "nutjob" since 1988 when he accidentally
inhaled some mustard gas while wiping out some infidels. His
legal team estimates the American media has referred to Hussein
as the "wacky Iraqi" an estimated 2.4 million times.
is all theater. The real criminal is Bush," a
defiant Hussein told the judge while swatting away imaginary
fruit flies and humming "U Can't Touch This" by
"Hussein. Rhymes with 'insane'. Can you dig it?"
concluded the wacky Iraqi madman.
Carrying a torch for Olympic innovation
Greco-Roman dope-slapping champion Mavis "Ironfist"
Smith prepares to "finish" an opponent in
an Olympic qualifying match.
By John Breneman
Jacques Rogge, president of the International Olympic Committee,
today unveiled several new surprises he has in store for the
2004 Summer Games in Athens, Greece.
Acknowledging that society today is far more violent than
when the modern Games began in Athens, Greece, in 1896, Rogge
has announced several new events to give the Games a "tougher
"The fans want action," said Rogge, who fiddled
with a blazing acetylene torch during his press conference.
"They want guts and glory. Danger. Pain."
Among Rogge's innovations:
Trampoline Taekwondo -- Competitors try to pummel
each other with an acrobatic array of kicks and punches, while
springing nearly 30 feet in the air and working in such compulsory
and optional moves as the double front somersault with a full
Drive-By Pentathlon -- Unlike its traditional counterpart
the Modern Pentathlon (an event consisting of shooting, fencing,
swimming, riding and running) the gritty urban Drive-By Pentathlon
tests a competitor's skill at shooting, trash talking, driving,
running and more shooting.
Pistol Whip -- Loosely based on the Hammer Throw,
this event tests a competitor's ability to subdue an opponent
with the butt end of his weapon, then hurl it for maximum
distance and pretend nothing happened.
Rogge also listed among his new "hard-core" events:
bareknuckle boxing, extreme fencing and Greco-Roman dope-slapping.
Other new "action" events being tried on an exhibition
Bungee Pole Vaulting -- Largely an underground sport
since it was first popularized by the great champion of the
1970s, Clarence "Umbilical Cord" Jones, bungee pole
vaulting is largely indistinguishable from regular pole vaulting
except that spectators get to see colorfully and heavily padded
competitors use pneumatic pogo-poles to fling themselves as
far as 300 feet through the air.
Part of the appeal is that the athletes tend to spray themselves
all over the arena, sometimes even into the stands. During
the 1999 world championships, local favorite Paul Voltaire
Jr. received a standing ovation when he accidentally flung
himself through the javelin competition and was speared in
the buttocks before crash landing in the long jump pit. Voltaire
also holds the distance record with a painful 437-foot vault
at Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas.
Synchronized Shot Put -- Nimble behemoths heave the
lead ball identical distances after a precisely choreographed
routine of momentum-building gyrations. Plus, fans love how
cute the gargantuan athletes look in their matching leotards.
Equestrian Pommel Horse -- Using extraordinary strength,
the athletes fling themselves through a whirling helicopter-like
series of moves while touching the horse with only their hands.
Unlike the stationary pommel horse in mens gymnastics, however,
this event ALSO requires competitors to guide an ACTUAL horse
through a challenging obstacle course, traversing high fences
and water hazards while holding the reins in their teeth.
"It's all about the TV ratings, baby," said Rogge,
who announced that he would soon reveal the steamy details
of a new event for 2008 that he calls the Sextathlon.
Other events being considered for the 2008 Summer Games in
South Berwick include: Nintendo Triathlon, Quadruple Jump
and Olympic Torch Fighting.
Humor Gazette columnist John Breneman is a former member
of the U.S. national Synchronized Syntax team.
to the first Fourth of July
Had to dash down to the Library of Congress
this week because I realized I had an overdue book ("Curious
George Plays With Fireworks"). While I was there, I began
snooping around and stumbled across a document that sheds
startling new light on our nation's very first July
The year was 1776. Thomas Jefferson threw a
barbecue at his house and all the founding fathers were there,
along with everybody who was anybody during those heady days
before the Revolution.
Washingtons -- George, Martha and little Denzel -- stopped
by with some of Martha's famous lo-carb cherry pie, considered
to be the tastiest in the Colonies.
John and Abigail Adams brought a crate of lobsters
and their 9-year-old son John Quincy, who did nothing but
complain that little Andy Jackson, also 9, kept knocking his
Adams' older brother Samuel, wearing a stylish
puffy shirt and brown vest, hauled along plenty of his famous
"hand-crafted" beer and kept urging people to try
his Bunker Hill Pale Ale.
Young Aaron Burr brought some pistols in case
anyone wanted to duel and Benjamin Franklin had a box full
of kites festooned with an array of stripes and stars.
Once most of the guests had arrived at Jefferson's
Monticello estate, Paul Revere galloped up on his horse, Tea
Biscuit, screaming, "The British are coming! The British
"Just kidding," said the patriotic prankster, who
then wandered off to ask Sam Adams for a Valley Forge Lager.
Meanwhile, Jefferson was playing the consummate
host. He had set up a dunking booth with an unfortunate Tory
dressed up like the King of England and the children hollered
"Taxation without representation!" as they hurled
stones to knock the hapless "king" into the water.
Garbed in a chef's hat and an apron embroidered
with the words, "All menus are NOT created equal,"
Jefferson flipped burgers and hot dogs at the grill and ladled
tankards of East India Company iced tea out of a barrel.
"Hey Jefferson," shouted fellow Virginian
Patrick Henry, "Give me another corndog or give me death!"
Spirits were high because there was a growing
sense that the Colonies were sick and tired of being bossed
around by King George III, who little Andrew Jackson kept
calling "King Georgie Porgie Fatty."
After everyone was stuffed, Jefferson gathered
the whole group and pulled out a rolled-up piece of paper
with some fancy writing on it. He cleared his throat and began
reading. "When in the course of human events," he
began, "yada, yada, yada... We hold these truths to be,
suggested Ben Franklin.
"Yeah that's it, self-evident ... that
all Men are created equal, that they are endowed by their
Creator with certain inalienable Rights, that among these
are Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of
"Beer!" shouted Sam Adams.
"Naked chicks?" asked Paul Revere.
"No, Happiness," said Jefferson, who
droned on for about 20 more minutes until Revere said Jefferson's
"Declaration of Impudence" was right on the money.
John Hancock grabbed a pen and Adams spilled
a little of his beer onto the edges of the document, saying
it would help give it that "parchment" feel.
Then the celebration really started to get lively.
Thomas Paine implored the revelers to use common sense, but
Hancock and Franklin began lighting off crude rockets packed
with gun powder and various minerals that produced colorful
streaks when ignited.
As Hancock lit the fuse of a Red Glare Whistling
Aerial Repeater, he was distracted for a moment by an attractive
young slave and the charge detonated, blowing off both his
right hand and his favorite powdered wig.
a young seamstress named Betsy Ross dropped what she was working
on, grabbed Hancock's hand and began sewing it back onto his
Despite the accident, John
Adams suggested -- for real -- that henceforth we
should celebrate our independence each Fourth of July with
"pomp and parade ... guns, bells, bonfires and illuminations
from one end of this continent to the other, from this time
So that's the story of our nation's first Independence
Day. I still can't believe that I found it where I did --
scrawled on the back of a 228-year-old, corndog-encrusted
cocktail napkin in the shaky but unmistakable hand of John
Humor Gazette editor John Breneman is believed
to be a direct descendent of Denzel Washington.
Hollywood spins off Spider-man's web
Fueled by the phenomenal box-office success
of "Spider-Man" (the sequel debuts June 30), Hollywood
is spinning out a slew of big-budget films about superheroes
who are part human, part bug.
Timed to coincide with the onset of mosquito
season are potential summer blockbusters like "Ladybug-Man,"
"Wonder Worm" and "Captain Earwig."
Executives at Mandible Entertainment are already
predicting Oscar nominations for the poignant story of Franz
Kaufman, a mild-mannered entomologist by day who scurries
behind his refrigerator at dusk and metamorphoses into ...
"Cockroach-Man," a crusty crime-fighter whose special
powers enable him to survive nuclear holocausts and repeated
"Praying Mantis-Woman" stars Angelina
Jolie as a lanky green supervixen who seduces adversaries
with her sensuous triangular head and bulbous bedroom eyes,
then mates with them and eats them alive.
George Clooney and Michael Keaton are said to
be vying for the title role in "Gnatman," a dark
thriller about a wealthy Gotham City businessman who dons
a tiny mask and cape to annoy archvillains, making them so
itchy they can't concentrate on perpetrating evil.
"Dung Beetle-Man" is the story of
Steve Scarab, a tormented waste treatment plant worker who
falls into a vat of radioactive effluent and emerges with
a rancid but impenetrable exoskeleton and the ability to smother
foes in his highly toxic feces.
Tapeworm" features a parasitic crime-buster who infests
the bad guys' digestive tract and gnaws like mad until they
no longer have the stomach to commit diabolical deeds.
And movie fans are expected to flock like locusts to see cotton-pickin'
criminals laid low by "Boll Weevil: Enemy of Evil."
The emerging insect-action genre relies on a
familiar formula: Colorful champions distinguished by their
rippling thorax muscles team up with trusty sidekicks like
Aphid, Flea and Chigger to battle repellent archvillains like
Lord Maggot, Venus Fly Trap and the nefarious Woodpecker.
The genre also features unique musical styles.
"Grasshopper-Man," for example, hums with a lazy,
haunting soundtrack provided by the tympanal organs of the
Hollywood is also buzzing about a string of
campy Bee-Movies. "The WASP" chronicles the comic
misadventures of Whitey Saxon, an uptight Protestant mud dauber
living in a colony of angry black militant hornets. And "Queen
Bee-Man" features rock star Sting as a transvestite hive
boss struggling to keep his true gender a secret from his
faithful but suspicious sidekick, Drone.
Even the adult-film industry is getting into
the act with the steamy multiple-organism romance, "Katydid
Dallas and Johnny Inch-Worm."
Meanwhile, don't adjust your antennae. Bug fare
is also creeping onto the small screen with the major networks
set to debut "The Pest Wing" and "Who Wants
to Be a Millipede?"
Also at the movies:
Eggs & Hamlet
Tinsel town terror
Jesus Christ, box-office superstar
Rumsfeld offers proof of link between Saddam
Hussein and ... Rumsfeld
While Donald Rumsfeld was in Baghdad in 1984 to grease Saddam
Hussein for oil, the Iraqi madman was whacking Iranian soldiers
with chemical weapons. Rummy must have been outraged, right?
Back then it was handshakes and smiles for Hussein, who became
a "grave and gathering danger" with plenty
of help from his pals in Washington.
Rumsfeld and the Bush gang went to war over weapons of mass
destruction that Hussein turned out not to have. But when
Hussein was spraying his foes with mustard gas 20 years ago,
Rummy kept his yap shut. Here's a quote from an August 2002
by Jeremy Scahill in Common Dreams:
In 1984, Donald Rumsfeld was in a position to draw the
world's attention to Saddam's chemical threat. He was in Baghdad
as the UN concluded that chemical weapons had been used against
Iran. He was armed with a fresh communication from the State
Department that it had "available evidence" Iraq
was using chemical weapons. But Rumsfeld said nothing.
He was too busy kissing Hussein's ass.
Around this time the Butcher of Baghdad was also buying all
the American-made helicopters he could get his hands on. He
was even getting poisonous chemicals and biological agents
from U.S. companies, according to this
"Rotten" Rumsfeld bio. Here's a quote:
As a result of the openings created by Rumsfeld's (1983-84)
diplomatic triumphs, U.S. companies were recruited and encouraged,
both covertly and overtly, to ship poisonous chemicals and
biological agents to Iraq, by the administrations of both
Reagan and George Bush Sr. Care packages to Saddam included
sample strains of anthrax and bubonic plague, and components
which would be used to develop nerve poisons like sarin gas
The nerve of these guys.
Even a bit of pro-Rumsfeld
propaganda says, "Mr. Rumsfeld and Saddam Hussein
did not have time to address Iraq's use of chemical weapons,
but instead discussed the (oil) pipeline project and other
Revisionist Rumsfeld now claims he cautioned Hussein about
the use of chemical weapons. Do you believe him? If so, perhaps
I could interest you in a piece of prime swampland in Falluja.
old flame -- by Jim Vallette in Tom Paine
Here's a quote:
The lesson to be drawn from Bechtel, the Aqaba pipeline
and the present conflict is that an "evil dictator"
is a friend of the United States when he is ready to do business,
and a mortal enemy when he is not. Sadly, it is our sons and
daughters, brothers and sisters, who must pay the price when
a deal goes bad.
Bush butchered those pesky words "Abu Guh-reff"
abu-again yesterday, this time in a press conference with
the prime minister of Hungary. The transcript doesn't reflect
it but Daily Show anchor Jon Stewart made hay with the embarassing
video clip, which can be seen here.
Repeat after me: "Ah-Boo
... Guh-Reb." Or something like that.
Clinton penned memoir with company ink
By John Breneman
Bill Clinton writes that his dream of becoming president
began during a fortuitous 1963 visit with John F. Kennedy,
who told him the job was "great for nailing chicks."
As his biography, "My Life" hits bookstores today,
Clinton said he failed to launch a more aggressive effort
to capture Osama bin Laden in part because intelligence reports
indicated the terrorist kingpin had virtually no access to
"high-quality Arabian tail."
The book (subtitled "Wham Bam Thank You Ma'am")
has already hit #1 on the Humor Gazette bestseller list. It
is also #1 at Amazon.com despite protests that publisher Alfred
A. Knopf raped an Amazon rainforest to print the hefty 957-page
wad of Bill.
York Times called the work "skanky,
auto-erotic and libido-crushingly dull," lamenting
that the memoir contains no mention of Clinton's alleged Lincoln
Bedroom gangbangs or his racy "Interns Gone Wild"
I did not bang that pudgy,
beret-wearing, DNA-stained-dress-saving ho, Miss Lewinsky.
Though the book is jam-packed with what top reviewers call
"boring stuff," its pages are not completely unstained
by seminal passages penned from the Great Fornicator's indelible
dip into "company ink." Clinton does not defend
his handling of the Lewinsky Missile Crisis.
Clinton characterized his antics with the White House intern
as "morally indefensible," but "grammatically,
linguistically and legally defensible." He claimed he
not have relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky"
simply "because he could," and also because a devilish
3-inch-high JFK kept popping up on his shoulder quoting the
Marilyn Monroe Doctrine to egg him on.
Clinton confesses that when he told Hillary about the non-affair
him with a Teflon frying pan. He also makes fresh
accusations that special prosecutor Kenneth Starr screwed
him on a Whitewater rafting expedition.
But perhaps most telling of all, the former president confides
that when making key decisions he always listens more closely
to his left nut than his more conservative right.
Maureen Dowd -- Because
Journalism.org -- The
Whitehouse.org - Miss
Fistful of Jelly Beans
By John Breneman
The presidency, The Gipper now reminds us, is performance
And so George Bush, badly miscast as leader of the free world,
plays President George W. Bush - part action hero, part villain,
part Burt Reynolds ham - with a devious twinkle and a trillion-dollar
It is no secret that to faithfully execute their duties as
Infotainers-in-Chief, both men have drawn inspiration from
iconic movie strongmen Clint Eastwood and John Wayne.
Dutch did Dirty Harry. "Make my day."
Bush does the Duke. "Dead or alive."
You with me, punk?
It's Dutch, the Duke, Josey and George.
And it can get a little confusing.
Did Reagan star in "Hellcats of the Navy" (1957)?
Or was it Bush in "Hellcat of the National Guard"
Was it Wayne in "Sands of Iwo Jima" or W. in "Sands
John showed us "How the West Was Won" and the West
won the Cold War with Ron.
Clint gripped his "Fistful of Dollars," Ronnie his
"Fistful of Jelly Beans."
Mucho cowboy karma links the swaggering Duke to the Tumbleweed
Wayne played "The Lucky Texan" in 1934. Bush was
born into the same role in 1946.
Duke did "Back to Bataan." Bush, "Back to Baghdad."
Wayne personified "True Grit." Bush personifies
after year, Wayne rode the white horse in films whose titles
now haunt the White House. "Born Reckless" (1930),
"Two-Fisted Law" (1932), "Texas Terror"
(1935), "The Lawless Nineties" (1936), "They
Were Expendable" (1945), "Without Reservations"
(1946), "Angel and the Badman" (1947), "Plunder
of the Sun" (1953), "Trouble Along the Way"
(1953), "The High and the Mighty" (1954), "Blood
Alley" (1955), "The Conqueror" (1956), "Circus
World" (1964), "Cast a Giant Shadow" (1966)
and "Hellfighters" (1968).
You get my meaning, Pilgrim?
Once those tinhorn judges named Bush sheriff he headed East,
Eastwood-style, packing a "Fistful of Tax Cuts,"
trigger finger on his .44 Magnum, itching to bust Saddam Hussein
"Every Which Way But Loose." The star of "Sudden
Impact" has had more than a subtle impact on the failed
Texas oilman turned international enforcer.
Clint's movie titles, too, echo through the Bush filmography.
"Revenge of the Creature" (1955), "The Beguiled"
(1971), "The Dead Pool" (1988), "White Hunter,
Black Heart" (1990), "Absolute Power" (1997),
"True Crime" (1999) and "Space Cowboys"
"The Good, the Bad and the Axis of Evil."
Knute Rockne to Newt Gingrich, Dutch and W. cross paths along
the dusty trail. Rancher Reagan's brand was the Silver Screen,
Bush's the Silver Spoon. Ronnie instinctively knew when it
was "Bedtime for Bonzo." Not so with Georgie and
"Bedtime for Rummy." Reagan ordered Mr. Gorbachev
to "tear down this wall." The wall Mr. Bush wants
demolished separates Church and State.
The Hollywood airbrush could never mask all of Ronald Reagan's
warts. But he seemed sincere when he evoked the spirit of
his 1943 short film "For God and Country." In President
Bush's script those words read more like a soundbite from
a spaghetti western.
Please consider casting a vote for the Humor Gazette
Bush takes Saddam's gun on three-country rampage
By John Breneman
diplomacy. How come when Ronald Reagan did it -- "Make
my day," "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down the wall"
-- it sounded cool, bold, presidential?
But when George W. Bush swaggers into Clint Eastwood country
'em on," "Dead
or alive" -- he sounds like some phony John Wayne
wannabe trying to prove he's a tough guy?
President Bush is taking Reagan's death pretty hard. The
Humor Gazette is reporting that Bush took his favorite new
Hussein handgun on a three-country rampage over the
weekend, firing off shots and yelling "Eeee-haaah!!"
before crashing a stolen pickup on some loose soil in Pakistan.
Limbaugh called the president's joyride "a fraternity
prank" and said Bush was just blowing
off a little steam after a grueling week spent perfecting
his pronunciation of the word "sovereignty" for
the big day. Sources close to the president's inner actor
speculate that he went looking for Osama for a gunfight at
the Al Qaeda Corral.
Poor Bush. Even Reagan
had a military record. He killed a dozen Japs with
one steely glare, and 15 Krauts by sneering "Make my
day." Not really. "Eyesight difficulties" limited
his duty to in the Army's elite movie-making unit. The Hollywood
soldier also served as Cmdr. Casey Abbott, captain
of the USS Starfish, in "Hellcats of the Navy" (1957).
Somebody should write a movie for Bush. You know he'd love
to do an Eastwood or Wayne flick. Or best of all, a Reagan
remake. I'm working on scripts for "Hellcats of the National
Guard" and "Bedtime for Rummy." Reagan won
fame in "Knute Rockne, All American." Bush played
an ex-president's idiot son in "Newt Gingrich, All American."
And so the nation mourns. Here's hoping the Reagan children
don't fight too much over who gets Reagan Washington National
Bush's silver spoon cause forked tongue?
Even if the latest rumor is true, supporters say, President
Bush will not be the first Washington politician to speak
with a forked tongue. The state of the president's tongue
has provoked wild speculation, with critics saying Bush's
snake-like appendage proves he has been deceiving the American
After insisting that intelligence fall guy George Tenet resigned
reasons" (yeah, that's it), Bush was tight-lipped
on the forked tongue issue. When asked directly, he hissed
at speculation that his tongue has split down the middle,
either from habitual lying or from years of rubbing against
the silver spoon that has been lodged in his mouth since birth.
President nominated for Purple Chin award
Bush has been nominated for a Purple Chin award for being
injured in the line of duty during his May 22 mountain bike
tumble. The commander-in-chief reportedly was thinking about
ways to fix his bone-headed war without admitting any mistakes
when he hit a loose patch of dirt.
Critics dismissed it as a silly attempt to beef
up his pathetic military record, first as a flighty National
Guard pilot and now as a bumbling war boss foolish enough
to don a flightsuit and pose with a bogus "Mission Accomplished"
Bush, who nearly made the ultimate sacrifice
after choking on a pretzel in January 2002, also fell off
a hi-tech Segway scooter in June 2003, and dropped his pooch
Barney on its head last September.
Media analysts differ on what the president
might do for his next zany stunt. One suggested he parachute
into a U.S. military compound in Iraq carrying a fake turkey
for the troops. Another said he should accidentally shoot
himself in the foot at an NRA fundraiser to divert attention
from his malfeasant handling of the war.
claim Bush evaded Boy Scout duty
U.S. at risk of attack by giant pterodactyl
John Breneman The
U.S. has received credible "chatter" that al-Qaida
may or may not try to attack the U.S. within the next 12 to
1,200 days, perhaps using a plane, a train, acid rain
or worse, a giant man-eating pterodactyl. Justice Department
wacko John Ashcroft said he has obtained documents showing
that Osama bin Laden may have manufactured a genetically engineered
Super Terror-Dactyl using prehistoric DNA from Nigeria. Ashcroft
denied he was making up the pterodactyl alert to distract
Americans from President Bush's inept handling of the war
and his trouble using words to communicate. He declined to
reveal the source of his information but said it definitely
was not Ahmad Chalabi. MORE
pledges Democracy R Us for Iraq
John Breneman As the clock
tick, tick, ticks toward the June 30 transfer of power to
a pseudo-sovereign Iraq, President Bush laid out a five-point
plan to boost his bum
approval rating. Apart from some creative pronunciation
of those pesky words "Abu
Ghraib," the embattled CEO of Democracy R Us
did not waver from reciting each word that had been written
for him. (Good news about Abu, Bush aims to demolish the notorious
torture house and Halliburton has stepped up to do the job
for just $1.2 billion.)
Iraq's conversion to a Halliburton-based
economy will be aided by a transitional Iraqi government comprised
of guys who don't mind having a terrorist bull's eye painted
on their headgear. National elections will come soon enough.
But first it is vital to teach Iraqi politicians how to divert
millions into their campaign war-chests and slime their opponents
with negative ads. Presidential candidates will also need
seminars on how to exploit family connections and use the
Supreme Court to seize power. MORE
damage control gift pack
effective against sobriety
By John Breneman
Ever feel like you wanna pop George Bush right in the kisser?
Smack that smirk off his face? Slug that smug mug?
Youd never do it for real, of course, but wouldnt
it relieve a world of tension to give President 43 the old
1-2? Land a hard left for his right-wing lunacy?
Well, now you can. At www.bushbops.com.
The bell rings and the crowd goes wild. Your mouse becomes
a fist and every punch connects. You rock him, sock him with
Bush-whacking sound effects.
In this corner
weighing in at 6-0 190 pounds
a black suit and a Shiite-eating grin
And in this corner
mad as hell at this numbskull and not gonna
take it anymore
Its wholesome, harmless fun. Take a couple shots. Biff!
Pow! Give him an uppercut for letting us down. Then click-click
your mouse/fist for a barrage of blows, as you pound his piehole,
his thorax and malignant
A lot of people want to Beat Bush these days,
some of them literally. So if you really want to get physical
you can order
the presidential punching bag for $24.95 and hammer the bum
below the belt like his henchmen have done to John Coulda
Been a Contender Kerry.
But wait, theres more! You can dope slap this dope
for bungling us into war. Whack him for whacking taxes on
the rich. Smack him for being an evasive, unethical sonofabitch.
Bush hid from the fighting in Vietnam, but he cant
duck you. Hit him with a haymaker for being a WMD
wiseacre. Give him an ugly shiner to match the one
America now has in the eyes of the world.
No boxing experience necessary. Bring