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Election 2004







Bush flip-flops on bin Laden

By John Breneman

One of President Bush's tough-guy soundbites is biting him in the bum today.

After 9/11, the president promised to nail the terror kingpin "dead or alive." But not long after he botched a chance to do just that -- "outsourcing" the job to Afghan warlords, as his opponent keeps pointing out -- Bush changed his tune.

With the mastermind of the 9/11 attacks still at large, Bush was asked at a March 13, 2002, White House press conference why he never mentions bin Laden anymore. The president, by then laser-focused on a guy -- Saddam Hussein -- who did not attack us, had lost interest in the man who did.

"You know, I just don't spend that much time on him," he responded. "I don't know where he is. ... I truly am not that concerned about him."

Fast forward to last night's debate.

Kerry called Bush on his remarks about bin Laden: "Six months after he said Osama bin Laden must be caught dead or alive, this president was asked, 'Where is Osama bin Laden?' He said, 'I don't know. I don't really think about him very much. I'm not that concerned.'"

The president's response can be added to his staggering rapsheet of misleading statements and outright lies: "Gosh, I just don't think I ever said I'm not worried about Osama bin Laden. It's kind of one of those EX-AGG-ER-A-TIONS."

But his blatant and pathetic attempt to flip-flop on his own remarks is contradicted by reality.
The president's March 13, 2002, remarks about bin Laden can be seen here at the White House website.

In a damage-control statement released today, the president said "of course" he knows bin Laden, not Saddam Hussein, attacked the U.S. and "of course" he is trying to catch him in time for the election.

Plus, he said, his favorite President Bush action figure has killed a hapless Osama bin Laden action figure literally dozens of times in Oval Office play sessions.

Bin Laden claims responsibility
for infamous 'Curse of the Bambino'

Bush embraces 'trickle-down' strategy

By John Breneman

President Bush says the new report showing Saddam Hussein had absolutely had no weapons of mass destruction proves he was right to launch a war to protect us from weapons of mass destruction the Iraqi madman definitely did not possess.

For those readers still blinking and scratching their heads in confusion, we repeat: President Bush told us we had to invade Iraq because Hussein had WMDs. Now, faced with conclusive proof Hussein did not have weapons, the president says, "See? I told you I was right."

Supporters insist that the president's policy of peeing in America's ear and telling voters what they want to hear -- his so-called "trickle-down" strategy -- is actually a positive attribute because he does it so consistently.

But if he were to accidentally tell the truth, this would be seen as a weakness. So, regarding Iraq, it is vitally important that he keep showering us with a stream of piss and calling it a golden beacon of democracy.

In a related development, Bush says the fact that he will be the first president since Herbert Hoover to oversee a net loss of jobs during his four-year term offers clear proof that his economic policy is working.

(Free delivery of fresh satire every M/W/F, no Spam, strict privacy policy)

Iraq weapons key issue at next debate

By John Breneman

President Bush is expected to come out firing at tonight's debate in St. Louis, but pundits disagree on whether he will try to reclaim momentum from Sen. John Kerry by shooting the Democratic insurgent with that cool pistol he got from Saddam Hussein.

A new report confirming that the president's claims about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq were absolutely false has provided fresh ammunition for Kerry. But strategists say Bush may exploit a loophole in the 32 pages of rules governing the debate, which apparently fail to prohibit shooting one's opponent with a souvenir firearm.

Kerry's message that the president rushed to war on falsified intelligence and sunk America into a horrible mess may resonate with voters, but President Bush is frankly getting a little ticked off. A spokesman for the Bush campaign said the president would only pop Kerry with Saddam's handgun as "a last resort." But if Kerry uses the new weapons report to "get in the president's face" he may be asking for trouble.

"Of course Saddam Hussein had weapons. He could have attacked the American people with that pistol, but the president took it from him. That's leadership," the Bush spokesman said. "John Kerry would have waited for the United Nations to take Saddam's pistol."

Vice President Dick Cheney outlines his plan to choke John Edwards.
Pundits render verdict in
case of Cheney v. Edwards

By John Breneman

Sen. Edwards challenges Cheney to "put up your dukes."

Vice President Dick Cheney scored a decisive blow in his debate with Sen. John Edwards on Tuesday by citing a link between Al Qaeda and U.S. trial lawyers. Cheney also claimed that, if elected, John Kerry would appoint Germans and Frenchmen to his Cabinet.

Pundits called the debate a clear victory for the very composed Cheney, who did not snarl or rip his shirt off and turn huge and green, even when Edwards kept talking about what a mess Cheney and his pet monkey have made while doing their doody.

Cheney called Edwards a young whipper-flopper who first voted FOR President Bush's plan to rush to war on phony intelligence and badly mishandle the whole operation, then turned AGAINST the war once the president's death toll got too high.

But Edwards responded by calling Bush-Cheney double flip-floppers who first OPPOSED creating the 9/11 Commission because it might expose their fraud and incompetence and then said OK once public opinion forced them to.

Edwards also noted that Cheney was FOR doing business with evil Iran when he was making big money with Halliburton, but AGAINST evil Iran now that he is only getting deferred compensation from Halliburton.

Cheney refrained from telling Edwards, "Go f--- yourself," instead saying, "I've been taking massive dumps in the White House since you were in diapers, Senator." He also defied pre-debate expectations that he might try to squish the puny Edwards between his thumb and forefinger or beat him silly with an aluminum tube.

Edwards went on the offensive, saying he would represent the American people in a class-action lawsuit against Bush and Cheney for fraudulent leadership, arbitrary and capricious war-mongering and for destroying America's credibility around the world. The suit would target some of the money Bush-Cheney have lavished on wealthy supporters to buy votes and instead use it to help regular people.

On gay marriage, Edwards said President Bush's call a federal amendment amounts to "using the Constitution as a political tool and it's wrong." Cheney responded by saying his gay daughter could beat the crap out of Edwards.

A Humor Gazette tracking poll found that if the election were held today Cheney would immobilize Kerry and Edwards by secreting a toxic venom through his fangs.

Fixing the Sunday headlines

By John Breneman

Perhaps you are one of the millions of Americans who likes to read the Sunday paper to catch up on the news.

That's all well and good. But the paper doesn't tell the whole story. In fact, did you know that most mainstream newspapers are almost completely devoid of satire?

So if you feel you are not getting the whole story, that your "traditional" newspaper does not provide you with the timely, outrageous fake news that you need, look no further than the Humor Gazette.

Today we introduce a new feature called "Behind the Headlines." Or maybe it's called "Subversive Subheds" or "Headline/Punchline."

Here's how it works: Below, printed in bold, are a series of REAL headlines from Sunday's Boston Globe. Repeat: the bold headlines are real. The trick here is that printed just beneath the real headlines are what we call FAKE headlines that add both humor and context to the actual news. Ready?

Candidates' war rooms to reassess battle plans
Bush expected to pack heat for next debate

Supreme Court to start new term tomorrow
Majority of justices stand ready to reappoint Bush in '04

Gunfire, bombings kill 44 in India
That's OK, majority to be reincarnated as spider monkeys

At rumbling Mount St. Helens, hazard level is raised
Hundreds flee wrath of fiery mountain bitch

Afghan warlords hunt for votes
Local candidate promises two camels in every garage

Backroom dealing a Capitol trend
Key votes can sell for up to $14 million

Cheney presses Hussein-Qaeda link
VP still believes lying is key to victory on Nov. 2

20 Questions about Post-Debate Spin

By John Breneman

Is the water cooler half empty or half full?

Did Kerry hammer Bush with that "colossal error of judgment" zinger? Or did Bush impress voters by telling 'em 11 times that fighting terror is "hard work"?

Did the president convince even more Americans that we had to invade Iraq because "the enemy attacked us"? Or did Kerry catch Bush pulling his ole "Saddam had to pay for 9/11" trick?

Did Bush wow 'em by repeating his consistent message that Kerry is inconsistent? Or did Kerry shake Bush's steadfast resolve that all he needs to win re-election is steadfast resolve?

As they say in the influential hip-hop demographic, did Flip-Flop get dope slapped or did Kid Kerry rock the mike and make W. his Bee-yush?

These are the questions that spin through our heads as the unpredictable post-debate portion of the debate unfolds before us.

Did the challenger hit a home run?
Did the incumbent lay an egg?

Did Bush's "plainspoken" personality shine through when he said, "I uh ..." then froze for several agonizing seconds? Or did President Six-Pack overcome a subpar oratorical performance by making funny faces at Senator Smarty-Pants?

Did Kerry get under Bush's skin by reminding him that Osama bin Laden, not Saddam Hussein, attacked America on Sept. 11? Or did the president successfully rebut the charge by saying, duh, "Of course I know Osama bin Laden attacked us. I know that"?

Did Kerry score rhetorical points by saying Bush "outsourced" the job of capturing bin Laden to Afghan warlords working for minimum wage? Or was it a low blow to remind Jr. that his daddy was smart enough not to bumble into Iraq with no "exit strategy"?

Did Kerry make headway by suggesting the president's tax cuts for the rich would be better spent making America safer? Or does Bush really expect voters to buy his simplistic response that of course we're safe with him because "That's my job"?

Perhaps the most important questions of all: Will these revealing face-to-face showdowns cause any supporters of this failed president to look back after Nov. 2 and say, "I actually DID vote for George W. Bush, before I voted against him"? Or is it too late to convince those who have been duped by Mr. Bush that he is the wrong president at the wrong place at the wrong time?

John Kerry and George Bush square off Thursday night.
Click here to Punch the Prez

Bush, Kerry to trade punches, punchlines

By John Breneman

Now that the debate on the Vietnam War is almost over, it is time for another presidential debate. This one will help determine who will lead America for the next four years -- Flip-Flop or Just Plain Flop.

The rules are simple: No eye-gouging, head-butting or
Abu Ghraib-ing.

Sound-biting is not only allowed, it is practically the only way a candidate can score "points" at a modern-day presidential forum, since post-debate analysis is largely confined to who sighed or shrugged, who looked at his watch, or did the best job delivering a zinger written by his team of political strategists. Points are added for making the audience laugh, but not deducted for blatant lies.

Attempts at substantive dialogue are frowned upon. This is because, though polls say voters crave "substance" over "flash," polls also show that most Americans can no longer detect "substance" unless it is delivered using an eye-grabbing jolt of "flash."

Additional rules, agreed to in a 32-page document designed to limit spontaneity, specifically prohibit bitch-slapping, throwing of feces and (flashback to 1988) any hypothetical questions about a candidate's wife getting raped and murdered.

In the interest of national security, President Bush will not be forced to explain why he flip-flopped on his pledge to catch Osama bin Laden "dead or alive" or why he chose to respond to the tragedy of 9/11 by starting a brand new death toll in Iraq.

Security will be tight in response to concerns that al Qaeda may try to disrupt the event, perhaps by sneaking a whoopee cushion onto Bush's podium or beheading a few more registered voters.

The moderator, beloved game show host Wink Martindale, will be heavily armed.

The debate is set for 9 p.m. Thursday night at the University of Miami, where fun-loving undergrads will be playing the Presidential Debate Drinking Game.

The rules are simple:

-- Each time either man says "duty," drink one large gulp of beer.

-- Each time either candidate emits a well-practiced soundbite that is meant to sound spontaneous, guzzle one large gulp of beer.

-- Each time Kerry says "family values," drink one 2-ounce glob of Heinz ketchup.

-- Each time Bush says "family values," snort one line of cocaine.

-- If anyone says "four more years," drink four more beers.

-- If President Bush insists we must "stay the course," just take a bunch of pills and go to bed.

Two soldiers write about the depravity of war

One of the burning questions of this political season is whether John Kerry participated in or was witness to acts of depravity while a navy officer during Vietnam. The question has opened up old wounds -- wounds not quite yet healed -- from 30 years ago. Kerry testified before Congress in the early 1970s and repeated what some of his fellow soldiers had told him about atrocities committed during battle.


But the very nature of the debate underscores, as it should, the insanity of war. War creates an atmosphere where decent people are thrown into a cauldron of madness, where the rules of engagement change overnight, and where opportunities for inhuman behavior present themselves when they otherwise, in a less violent world, would not.

It is easy for us, on the sidelines, to condemn what happened at Abu Ghraib prison, or at Buchenwald, for that matter -- because we were not there. Would all of us have acted just as inhumanly, as we would like to believe we never would? That's the scary thing. Or would we have risen above the actions of the mob to be the voice of sanity? We don't know.

But while we consider the question of whether John Kerry is telling the truth or not, we can listen to two different accounts from two different wars, both of which unveil the sense of anger and chaos that war can cause. One, from the Civil War, is told by an unnamed Connecticut soldier who recounts a disgusting episode of casual bigotry. And the other is from World War II veteran Lenny Bruce, who unleashes a torrent of lingering resentment during a drug-besotted concert in 1962.

Did John Kerry witness acts of depravity during Vietnam? Maybe, maybe not. But he had many brothers in arms who, unfortunately, had.

This is from an issue of the Connecticut War Record, published in 1864:

The 21st (Conn. Volunteers) were ordered on board the Transport "John Farren," but were subsequently disembarked and returned to their position in the 'Rifle Pits.' We were again ordered to embark, and returned to the boat for that purpose. Arriving at the wharf we found that through some misunderstanding of the Quartermaster, the 'John Farren,' which was laden with all our baggage, had been completely loaded down with negroes and their baggage. The way those darkies and effects were transferred from the boat to the shore 'was a caution' to the 'poor emancipated Africans.' After the negroes were all disembarked our men were ordered on board to unload the baggage, and mounting the hurricane deck, where it had been packed away, they charged upon the confused mass of African possessions and commenced transferring them in a very unceremonious manner to the wharf. The scene which followed baffles description - and I doubt if the history of the whole war can present a like scene, or the Emancipation Proclamation of Father Abraham ever called forth another such sight. Feather beds fell like snow flakes, only rather more forcibly, upon the heads of frantic searchers for 'their own' household goods. Bedding, clothing, all manner of domestic goods, filled the air and fell like rain in one confused and inextricable mass. Wenches displaying the pluck and muscle of a Hercules in giving punishment to some luckless darkey, who in her fruitless search for her undiscovered property had invaded the rights of another.

Hooped skirts were hurled gracefully from the deck to come down enveloping some corpulent wench, and adding to her wrath, already rampant. Some were crying, some laughing, some fighting, and all wrangled amid the shower of 'bag and baggage,' which 'mingling fell.' And thus we left them, to be subsequently conveyed to Newbern, but if they ever live to sort that baggage they will exceed the average length of African longevity.

Yes, well. And this is a report from the liberators.

On Dec. 4, 1964, Lenny Bruce performed at the Gate of Horn nightclub. "Let the buyer beware," the emcee intones, probably for two reasons. Bruce was known not just for his comedy, but for his well-known use of obscenities. At this concert, he also seems to be quite stoned.

Nonetheless, even under the influence, Bruce could be funny and devastating. Here, he is slashing, as he asks the question "Why are Americans hated everywhere?" He answers it by recounting what he says happened between American soldiers and the Europeans who were needing some of the things the Americans carried. It isn't a happy tale, nor was it meant to be.

"I think I did a little more traveling than anyone in this audience. I think I've been on more invasions than anyone in this audience. I was on six. I made some real daddies. I was on a cruiser called the USS Brooklyn. I was a 2nd class gunners mate. I was [unintelligible] from '42 to '45 July -- that's when Germany fell, in July. Doing it's dirty. They hate Americans everywhere, do you know why? Because they fucked all their mothers for chocolate bars and don't you forget that, jim. You don't think those kids have heard that since 1942? 'You know what those Americans did to your poor mother?' They lined her up those bastards -- your father had to throw up his poor guts in the kitchen while he waited out there and that master sergeant schtupped your poor mother for their stinkin' coffee and their eggs and their friggin' cigarettes. Those Americans. That's it, jim. That's all they've heard, those kids. Those kids are now 23, 25 years old. The Americans. There's the guy that did it to my mother. Would you assume that they would say 'There's the guy who fucked my mother. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you for that and for giving us candy?"

Lenny Bruce was arrested later in that performance and today it's easy to ask: Was Bruce arrested for swearing, or for saying things like the above which you could imagine were the things no one, ever, wanted to hear?

War makes people do things and say things they'd rather never have done in the first place and it certainly makes them do things they'd just as soon forget.

One way, of course, to avoid this heartache is to not put people in this terrible and unfair situation in the first place.

Osama world's least popular baby name

By Chris Elliott

Moderate Arabs in America face a peculiar and growing crisis -- what to name their children. Largely due to the rapid pace of enemy-making under the Bush doctrine, more and more famous terrorists are being cranked out every day, gradually winnowing the available pool of appropriate Arabic baby names.

For instance, it would take a really "in your face" fundamentalist Muslim to name his kid Osama. Likewise, Muktada is now unavailable to the moderate Muslim family. While he is unknown to most Americans, the terrorist exploits that have landed Amjad Husain Farooqui at the top of the Sindh police's most wanted terrorist list, have removed the very popular name of Amjad from the lexicon of available Arabic baby names.

As if Abu Nidal's terrorist activities weren't enough, the spate of car bombs in Iraq attributed to Abu Musab al-Zarqawi has resulted in the name Abu dropping drastically in popularity. The same is true of the name Omar, the moniker of the blind cleric who masterminded the 1993 World Trade Center bombing.

There is always the default name of Mohammed as an option, as Mohammed Atta's high profile participation in the terror attacks of September 11 notwithstanding, the chief prophet of Islam will never be eclipsed by any single terrorist. Still, most modern American Arabs are looking for something with a bit more panache than the tried and true Mohammed.

Other second tier terrorist names, not well-known in the states yet, but still famous for terrorism among those in the know include Shoukat, Asif, Naveed, Syed, Chhota, and Asim.

"It's terrible really," said New York City cab driver Ahkmed Hassim. "Our first son, Osama, was born in 1995, and now all of the kids at school are constantly bombarding him with spitballs, knocking his turban off, that sort of thing. We have another child on the way, and we don't want to make the same mistake again."

White Americans have traditionally fallen victim to relatively few scourges, and as such have not had to deal with the problem of a lack of appropriate baby names. As long as Mom and Dad stay off the sauce through the paperwork and avoid "Adolph," "Ghengis," and "Tojo," it is usually smooth identity-sailing for little Egbert. Not so for followers of Islam.

"Look, it's already hard enough enduring the stares and muttered curses," Ahkmed Hassim said. "We don't need people to think we're trying to make a point with our children's names. I blame Bush for this. If he weren't so unilateral in his foreign policy, there wouldn't be this kind of violent reaction from the Islamic world. One thing is for sure. If it's a boy, I'm definitely not naming him George."

Kerry campaign shaken by Bush ineptitude

By John Breneman

The Humor Gazette has obtained documents showing that John Kerry is a war hero and George W. Bush is an asshole.

The information has been authenticated by the same experts who verified President Bush's uranium yellow cake documents.

However, the revelation is not expected to impact the election because in the interest of national security the president has brainwashed half the nation into chanting "flip-flop" on his command.

No documents, real or forged, have yet emerged to support the theory, widely held in Democratic circles, that President Bush in 1973 sold his soul to the Devil in exchange for the future presidency and an 8-ball of fine Colombian powder.

Meanwhile, the Kerry campaign has been shaken by revelations that Bush used his father's influence to stay out of Vietnam then just disappeared from the National Guard.

Supporters of the president apparently see no irony or shame in the fact the president's men have slammed Kerry for getting shot at by the Viet Cong while their man was getting bombed on kamikazes, or that he misled us into war, got thousands of people killed and quadrupled the number of people who want America dead.

This is because, as seen on TV, President Bush possesses a rare ability to piss in your ear and tell you it's a shimmering beacon of democracy.

The president appeared before the United Nations on Tuesday, reiterating his statement that if he knew then what he knows today -- that no weapons would be found and that thousands of people would lie dead -- he would still blaze cluelessly into Iraq and turn it into a smoldering cesspool of violence and hate.

The president's supporters understand that Bush needs the war to make him feel like a big man and accept the president's word that that blasting the place into freedom is the only way to make sure the Iraqi suicide bombers of 9/11 don't strike again.

The only thing the president said he would do differently would be to act a little cockier. Those close to the president say that, in retrospect, he now regrets he did not taunt Saddam Hussein a little more, call him a "girlie man" and sneer "Look at you now, punk."

Maybe decorate Saddam's face with a few haymakers while Cheney and Rumsfeld hold his arms, then strip him naked and put him on a dog leash for a while. Bury some cowboy boot in his freedom-hating ass.

The president also reminded the U.N. of his pre-war promise that there would be "serious consequences" if Saddam Hussein continued his defiance. But with the death toll climbing each day and no end in sight, the rest of the world now has a stark, hellish picture of what President Bush means by "serious consequences."

Humor Gazette's end-of-summer reading list

Complied by Gazette contributor Chris Elliott, author of "Trumpet Breath"
and "The Other White Chris Elliott."

Women Are From Mars and Men have a Penis by John Gray
In this the sequel to the smash hit relationship book, "Men Are From Mars, Women are From Venus," author Doctor John Gray finally looks between his legs and gets it right.

Also recommended:
"The Misadventures of Curious George W. Bush"

Windows For Asswipes by Greg Harvey
Easy to read computer instruction from the author of "Windows For Dummies." According to the author, “'Windows for Dummies' was very successful, and I figure that there have to be at least as many asswipes in the world as there are dummies.”

Another Shitty Book by Steven King by Steven King
King breaks from his Internet marketing experiments for his first print novel since he got mowed down by a man he later killed with mind control. This one’s almost as bad as "Tommyknockers."

Martha Stewart Dying by Bob Lord
A sequel to "Martha Stewart Living," only Martha Stewart neither wrote nor authorized this book. Author Bob Lord despises Martha Stewart, and he wrote forty chapters, each of which contains a fantasy vignette of Martha Stewart dying a horrible, painful death.

Pro Wrestling is Gay by Chris Elliott
Elliott makes a convincing case that pro wrestlers are gay, and that pro wrestling fans are if not gay, certainly latent.

The Greatest Generation...As If! by Ralph Nader
Not to be outdone by Tom Brokaw, Nader tells it like it is and reveals World War II veterans as a bunch of atom bomb-dropping assholes.

Coming into Dennis by Barney Frank
The Massachusetts congressman describes his favorite memories of driving from Boston out to Cape Cod.

Who Cut the Cheese by Spencer Johnson, M.D.
The famed author of Who Moved My Cheese talks about another kind of movement.

Multiple Origamis by Dr. Ruth Westheimer
The famed sex specialist explains how because of her incredible ugliness she has to jerk off with paper mache dildoes.

NOTE to READERS: Send us your favorite (fake) book titles and a short description for possible inclusion in the Humor Gazette's highly anticipated Fall Reading List.

Vote for Kerry
if you hate America and want to die soon

By J.D. Stone

Last week our great Vice President Richard "Dick" Cheney eloquently told the American people that if they made the mistake of electing John Kerry as president that deadly terrorist attacks were sure to follow.

Being a great supporter of the Cheney/Bush administration (aka the "Dick in the Bush" regime), I got to thinking about what other tragedies might befall the American people if we were to make the grave mistake of putting our electoral muscle behind John Kerry instead of George W. Bush.

The following list itemizes many other bad things that are quite likely to happen to YOU if you vote for John Kerry:

   If you vote for John Kerry it is very likely that you will start getting extreme body odor that would ruin any social life you might have.

   If you vote for John Kerry it is very likely that your dog will die.

   All men who vote for John Kerry can expect a bad case of erectile dysfunction.

   If you vote for John Kerry, Osama bin Laden will pay a personal visit to your house and, along with Willie Horton, gang rape your loved ones.

   If you vote for John Kerry and you are a Yankee fan it is very likely that the Red Sox will win the World Series this year.

   If you vote for John Kerry and you are a Red Sox fan it is very likely that the Yankees will win the World Series this year.

   If you vote for John Kerry your TV will break.

   If you vote for John Kerry you will lose your job.

   If you vote for John Kerry it is quite likely you will begin flip-flopping on all major decisions.

   And if you vote for John Kerry you will become homosexual and want to move to Massachusetts to marry a same-sex partner.

So, if you were of the opinion that this election didn't mean much to you personally, think again! Be a patriot and don't let fear get the better of you, join the team and vote for four more years of "Dick in the Bush."

*Paid for by Bush/Cheney 2004 - Operation Sensitive Destruction

No satirist
left behind

By John Breneman

As I imagined the next generation of computer-literate, college-bound kindergarteners heading off to school this week, I began to reflect on my own indelible experiences in education.

From my humble beginnings in a suburban Pittsburgh nursery school, I rose through our oft-criticized public school system, achieved a college degree that I recently finished paying off, and embarked upon an odyssey of never-ending alternative education.

The following is a brief chronology -- in pithy yearbook style -- of the estimated 20,000 hours I spent in school:

Kindergarten: Utilized Play-Doh to develop cognitive skills and acute motor coordination. Scrawled Crayola pictures a psychiatrist would likely have interpreted as warning signs for juvenile dementia.

Grade 1: Miss Roseberry, chocolate milk for lunch every day. Mind a blank slate. Explored the metaphysical question: "Do gingerbread men really exist?"

Grade 2: Mrs. Goodwin. Expository essays on the adventures of Dick, Jane and Spot provided first evidence of miserably bad cursive handwriting. Consumed gallons of chocolate milk.

Grade 3: 1969. Speed Racer became first man on moon. Another woman teacher, name unknown. Rejected chocolate milk for life.

Grade 4: Mr. Mariner, a mean man who teased pot-bellied classmate Michael Yuengling and made him cry each day.

Grade 5: Mrs. Seaton, a bow-legged science teacher, for homeroom. Kid asked about my ethnic background. "American" was all I knew, so naturally I responded "part Pennsylvanian and part Antihistamine."

Grade 6: Moved from Pittsburgh to York, Maine, in summer. School burned down in fall, one week vacation. Earned my first Ds on report card. Annoying personality led to my only two schoolyard fights, on consecutive days.

Grade 7: Placed 15th in classroom spelling bee by correctly spelling "photosynthesis" and "antihistamine."

Grade 8: Served 1-5 (days) in minimum-security detention room for delinquent behavior (skipping a school day and getting caught). Brief stints in shop and home ec did little to instill mechanical or culinary aptitude.

Grade 9: Learned to fly through the air with assistance of "mini-tramp." Fell under influence of subliminal messages in song "Mama Kin" by Aerosmith.

Grade 10: Influenced by track coach Mr. Clark, Decided to become a half-assed high jumper instead of pro baseball player. Started to derive pleasure from writing -- particularly bizarre little stories.

Grade 11: Submitted report on Abraham Lincoln with third grade-quality pencil sketch on cover and got a B. Actually deserved higher grade, so my brother submitted same report several years later (new cover) and got an A.

Grade 12: Prepared for real life by studying Calculus. First story for school newspaper (subject: wombats) led to paper being named "The Wombat Weekly." (Who could forget "Tungsten Steele: Professional Daredevil" or "Jupiter Gallstone Speaks Out for Camping"?)

Colby College: Studied Japanese and learned true meaning of "wakarimasen" ("I don't understand"). Like George W. Bush, engaged in "young and irresponsible" behavior. Unlike Bill Clinton, did inhale.

Postgraduate work: Rambled about U.S. with friend in maroon Ford van. Started writing for The York Weekly and took a couple journalism courses at UNH. Decided to play with words forever.

Humor Gazette editor John Breneman is capable of writing at a second-grade level.

Political football: Donkeys defeat Elephants

By John Breneman

The Donkeys beat the Elephants 51-49 on a last-second fumble by GOP quarterback George W. Bush to open the 2004 Political Football League season last night.

The Elephants appeared headed for victory, leading 49-44 and needing only a first down to run out the clock with just 32 seconds left.

"Four more yards!" Bush yelled to Dick Cheney, the bruising fullback who had already scored two touchdowns and spent half the game in Donkey quarterback John Kerry's face, questioning his manhood and taunting him as "sensitive."

Through most of the contest, the Elephants kept Kerry off balance with an array of unorthodox tactics -- from deception and dirty play to actually spitting on his uniform -- that made it tougher to run his familiar East Coast Liberal offense.

But the Donkeys managed it keep it close, thanks in part to an erratic performance by Bush, who fumbled five times and tossed three interceptions.

Sideline observers said Colin Powell and John McCain seemed a little half-hearted for the GOP and former Donkey benchwarmer Zell Miller, now a vocal member of the Elephants offensive unit, drew several key penalties for ranting on the sidelines.

Legendary Donkey superstar Bill Clinton managed three scores, two touchdowns and one cheerleader.

And the entire game came down to the final play.

GOP center Arnold Schwarzenegger snapped the ball and flung Howard Dean into the bleachers. Then he flattened Democratic linemen Gephardt and Kucinich, opening a giant hole for the president.

Bush's eyes widened as he saw a clear path to the end zone. He began high-stepping, holding the football out to one side and thinking about what kind of touchdown pose to strike. But the president failed to see blitzing Donkey linebacker Max Cleland flying in from his blind side.

Cleland smashed into Bush like a piledriver, snapping his head back and knocking the grin clean off of his face. The tenacious Democrat then pounced on the loose ball and shoveled it to Teddy Kennedy, who waddled and staggered 84 yards for the game-winning score with Bill O'Reilly and Rush Limbaugh on his back.

Bush urged to kick $177M-a-day war habit

By John Breneman

President Bush's colorful past as a coke-snorting, beer-guzzling party animal should not hurt his re-election bid, political analysts say, because he already addressed the issue a few years when he kicked the bottle and made God his new best pal.

But now muckraking biographer Kitty Kelley writes in "The Family: The Real Story of the Bush Dynasty" that young George W. put narcotics up his nose at Camp David while his pop was president. The allegation is made by Sharon Bush, ex-wife of his brother Neil, the one who got mixed up all those Chinese hookers.

Kelley writes that Bush learned how to use cocaine at Yale during a three-day Ecstasy and speedball bender. Once he graduated and blew all the dough his dad's friends gave him to look for oil, Bush allegedly turned to cocaine to pep him up some and got so excited he had to be talked out of investing in a "can't miss" deal down in Colombia.

In a related development, critics have intensified their call for President Bush to kick his $177-million-a-day war habit.

Vice President Dick Cheney dismissed the controversial book as "fucking garbage" and directed the White House character assassination machine to hammer Kelley, whom he referred to as a "skanky libel-spewing bitch."

Critics charge that Bush is guilty of first-degree hypocrisy, pointing out that as governor of Texas, George W. Bush supported and signed legislation increasing penalties for drug possession in that state (The Progress Report). In one instance, then-Gov. Bush signed legislation mandating jail time for people caught with less than a single gram of cocaine.

But judging by how easy it was for the Bush machine to napalm Kerry's wartime heroism with its relentless purple heart attack, despite the president's own pathetic military record, the White House is not worried.

Gazette endorses Bush

Now more than ever, as we wage the war against terror in Washington and Iraq, America needs a brash, uncompromising president who is not afraid to take action in the face of questionable intelligence -- a man capable of making profound, far-reaching decisions undistracted by knowledge, logic and reason.

Winning the White House's war in Iraq will require a cocky, shoot-from-the-lip leader who doesn't give a Texas damn what other nations think of us -- an aggressive, unapologetic war president determined to ignore and discredit nagging voices of dissent during these difficult times.

Now more than ever America needs George W. Bush, shrewd son of a rich Republican dynasty who understands it is more imperative to talk about moral values than to actually embody them -- a folksy, faux gun-slinger skilled in shrugging off seemingly damaging developments with a soundbite and a smirk.

When the Good Lord informed President Bush that Saddam Hussein must go, he did not waver or fret about international opposition. He wisely heeded God's instructions, smoked the WMD-packing madman into a hole and took him out.

The world is surely a safer place now that the al Qaeda-loving dictator is no longer in power. Who could deny that we become more secure with each terrorist who is killed or stacked up naked in a pile?

Indeed, we know we are safer because -- though the wrath of Allah may rain down upon us at any moment -- President Bush keeps repeating that he is making us safer.

Quibbling over past statements about weapons of mass destruction and links between Iraq and al Qaeda does not do America any good now. This anti-Bush rhetoric is the stuff of simpering Saddam sympathizers who think they can have their uranium yellow cake and eat it too.

Sometimes we are moved to ask: What part of "you're with us or you're with the terrorists" don't these people understand?

Also hurting the cause are those who would question why 1,000 young Americans must make the ultimate sacrifice to take over a country where no weapons have yet been found. To this we say, simply: Freedom-hating thug. Hated America. Madman. World a safer place.

Critics may seize upon some of the president's words to paint him as a thick-headed, born-again slacker who is intellectually and morally unfit for his job as leader of the free world. Some even mock his alternative pronunciation of the explosively symbolic word "nuclear."

But when the president said recently, "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we," he meant to trumpet his vigilance against evildoers, not re-ignite charges that his administration's actions have put us at greater risk. We must understand that this is a man so composed in the face of an unspeakable tragedy that he continued to read "My Pet Goat" to schoolchildren upon learning of the Sept. 11 attacks.

Yes, do not misunderestimate George W. Bush. Family jewels and fancy schools do not guarantee a facility with fancy words like "malfeasance" and "subliminible." So what if he has five ways to say "Abu Ghraib" or seems to have forgotten about bin Laden?

The important thing is he believes he has the ability to communicate with the Lord, and thus will not be constrained by the separation of church and state as he protects the God-given right of each fetus to own a gun.

We must not let some decorated military "hero" cut short the divine mission of a man who whose own stealthy service during the Vietnam War helped keep the homefront safe for debauchery.

See, the president has told us in no uncertain terms that his bleeding Purple Heart liberal opponent plans to raise taxes by $8 trillion, decimate the U.S. military and stamp out family values.

Yes, America should be wary of John Kerry. What kind of flip-flopper fights bravely for his country then turns around and talks about the horrors of war?

President Bush not only supported the war in Vietnam, he completed his Air National Guard service so masterfully that there are no eye-witness accounts of it to be found, and certainly no embarrassing politically motivated Bronze Star incidents.

Now, as commander-in-chief, he battles enemies old and new while protecting our way of life from threats posed by stem-cell research, gun control and the ultimate menace to our society, gay marriage.

And so, as the most important election of our time draws near, do not be fooled by partisan Democratic claims or valid independent research that President Bush has harmed the economy with his tax cuts for the rich, damaged our nation's stature in the eyes of the world and needlessly sacrificed thousands of American and Iraqi lives.

As the president might say, now is not the time to not stay the course. Make no mistake, that would be a victory for the terrorists as they keep trying to weaken our resolve.

So if you want a president who would never exercise sensitivity in bludgeoning Iraq into democracy, a president who understands that a rising death toll means lower unemployment, a president whose men will do whatever it takes to get him back into the White House, vote for George W. Bush on November 2.

John Breneman
Editor, Humor Gazette

Satire newspaper flip-flops, already endorsed John Kerry

Bush front group smears Humor Gazette

The Humor Gazette, preparing its blockbuster coverage of the Republican National Convention, has already run into a little trouble.

A group calling itself Lying Sacks of Elephant Dung for Bush has apparently launched a smear campaign against the Gazette, claiming the publication did not deserve its three Purple Funnybone awards for wartime satire.

The Bush attack dogs, a drooling pack of failed Republican comics, even called into question a prestigious Bronze Groucho awarded to Gazette editor John Breneman by the New England Press Association in 2001.

Sen. Bob Dole called the Gazette's humor "superficial" and suggested it be banned from covering the Republican Convention unless it signed a loyalty oath to President Bush.

Gazette publisher Arturo DiMaunchie responded quickly, calling President Bush "a major league jackass" and "perhaps the slimiest president of all-time," while pledging that the paper's "fair and balanced" convention coverage would not be affected by the president's "moral cowardice" nor his lame, possibly illegal, attempt to claim credit for the Iraqi soccer team's Olympic glory.

White House smears Humor Gazette:
March 31 report documents pattern of harrassment

No cease-fire in U.S. political war

By John Breneman

Hostilities between warring factions intensified today with a harsh new attack by a group called Swift Boat Veterans Who Want to Gouge Kerry's Eyes Out.

Sen. John Kerry, leader of the insurgent rebels seeking to oust President Bush from office, responded by accusing presidential henchmen of war crimes against his military record.

Sen. John McCain called for a cease-fire, but most TV pundits agreed that it's probably too late for that and that any talk of the economy or the war on terror must take a back seat to sensational round-the-clock analysis of the distastefully sexy political battle.

Meanwhile, polls show a slight increase in America's confusion over how a guy with the president's shameful record of military non-service could get away with attacking a guy who not only volunteered to fight in Vietnam, but also took shrapnel and saved a guy's life.

To combat accusations that he is a Communist-loving, America-hating medal faker, the Kerry campaign is denying any connection with a new ad depicting President Bush as a psychopathic moron who will probably destroy the U.S. economy and accidentally cause a nuclear war.

When questioned about a new intelligence report indicating that Osama bin Laden is quite amused by the escalating elephant-donkey war, President Bush responded, "Osama who?"

FCC fines NBC for Olympic coverage

By John Breneman

The FCC has imposed a hefty fine on NBC for repeatedly broadcasting the word "snatch" during coverage of Olympic weightlifting competition. Federal censors added that many viewers might also be offended by the imagery evoked by the words "clean and jerk."

FCC Chairman Michael Powell explained that the term "snatch" is also used as slang for the female genitalia and "jerk" is a word occasionally used to describe auto-erotic activity, or masturbation in layman's terms.

The weightlifting competition also features "more grunting that you hear in most porn movies," said Powell, adding of the Olympic Games in general, "What do you expect from an event that used to be held in the nude."

Ukrainian weightlifter Vladimir Yankov admitted to moaning and groaning throughout the competition, but said it is almost impossible to compete at the Olympic level without emitting the loud grunt that traditionally signals the successful climax of the snatch.

Powell's crackdown may also target wrestling, which he said "appears to be nothing more than two men rolling around on the floor, grabbing each other to find out who'll be the dominant one and who will submit."

The FCC chief warned male swimmers and divers to avoid wearing tiny Speedo trunks and said women's beach volleyball is "one wardrobe malfunction away from a big fine."

Powell, who may force NBC to blur the groin area of competitors in the 100-meter race, said he cringes every time an announcer speak of a gymnast "nailing her dismount" and is still deciding whether commentators may say "pole vault" on the air.

Man plans Iditarod run with team of Corgis

A tenacious Corgi trains for the Iditarod.

By Chris Elliott

Alaska's famous annual sled dog race will have an unusual competitor next year when Emile Robideau races his fleet of 100 Corgis. Robideau is considered an underdog in the event, as Corgis have notoriously short legs and aren't good in the snow.

"They are tenacious little dogs," Robideau said in defense of his application to run the Corgis. "I have no doubt that they have the willpower to prevail in this contest. Anyone who has ever owned a Corgi will tell you that they hate to lose."

Frostbite ended
this Chihuahua's dreams of
Iditarod glory.

Robideau is no stranger to the Iditarod, having run it several times with Malamutes. He dropped out of conventional racing last year because according to Robideau, he "kept getting beaten by a girl." As a response, he resorted to unconventional race methodologies, hopeful that even in the event of a loss, he would be considered in a different category, therefore not really branded as having lost to a girl.

Last year, Robideau attempted to enter the Iditarod with a fleet of 100 Mexican Hairless Chihuahuas, but had to back out when 40 of them came down with frostbite. Robideau was dismissive of the dogs' performance, and vowed to return with a better breed of dog. "Those Chihuahuas just got cold feet. The Corgis have much bigger hearts than the Chihuahuas, and I know they're going to do just fine."

The N-U-C-L-E-A-R litmus test

By Chris Elliott

The Democratic National Convention is behind us, and the case has been stated for change. There have been niceties and tributes, and there has been rancor and vitriol. Surely though, the event's highlight was John Kerry's acceptance speech. Kerry touched upon on all relevant points that will determine the election's outcome, and he did so with all of the grace that could have been expected. One particularly high point for me was his pronunciation of the word "nuclear." The "c" was pronounced immediately before the "l" and there was no insertion between the two letters of an arbitrary letter "y." To appropriate a well-worn phrase, John Kerry hit the pronunciation of the word "nuclear" out of the park.

It was awesome. For the first time since Al Gore's campaign four years ago, I was observing a man in the pursuit of our highest office who could pronounce a word that most of us grew up with.     MORE

Chris Elliott can be reached at

Bush intelligence decision lacks intelligence

By John Breneman

In nominating Rep. Porter J. Goss of Florida to head up the C.I.A., President Bush wisely went for a loyal Republican who has already attacked the intelligence record of the man who is trying to take his new boss's job.

Intelligence experts say the intelligence post nomination is generating a stream of intelligence (or "chatter") suggesting that partisan attacks are likely. It also led to the following exchange at the Tuesday morning Rose Garden press conference:

HUMOR GAZETTE: Mr. President why did you select a man who, according to the New York Times, denounced John Kerry's intelligence record on the House floor in June and whose own work providing oversight of the C.I.A. as chairman of the House Intelligence Committee was deemed ineffective by the commission investigating the 9/11 attacks?

PRESIDENT BUSH: "If I told you that, I'd have to kill you. Heh, heh."

"Just kidding," said Bush, whose trademark smirk then turned into a grimace when he was asked how his plan for a national director of intelligence who would assume some of the C.I.A. chief's traditional duties would affect Goss's role.

"Beats me," said the president.

This just in from the New York Times: "The office of director of intelligence has got to be kept out of politics," said Stansfield Turner, director of central intelligence under President Jimmy Carter. "It's already lost a lot of its credibility with the American public over weapons of mass destruction, and this is not going to help its credibility. People will say, 'Is he really telling us the truth, is he really telling the president the truth?' "

But at least Rep. Goss is tough. The Times also reports: "Democrats who serve on Mr. Goss's committee charge that he has ignored legislation they submitted four months ago to reform the intelligence community along the lines that the Sept. 11 commission recommended."

The Humor Gazette has learned that Mr. Goss's secret code name might be "T-Bone," in order to confuse a terrorist who might think he'd be named after a Porterhouse steak.

Other possible code names for Goss, himself a former spy: "Gator," "Hoover," "Stovepipe" and "Albatross," the last a satiric reference to his potential to be a liability at a time of alleged politicization of intelligence, from the threat of WMDs in Iraq to politically convenient terror alerts.

Ridge terror alert smells fishy

Responding to harsh criticism from the New York Times that his Crayola-based terror alert system is more useful to late-night comedians than the American public, Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge today announced that he is switching to a fish-based system.

Henceforth, instead of standing in front of a color-coded chart while simultaneously warning Americans to be very afraid and reassuring them about "the president's leadership in the war against terror," Ridge will simply spread his hands apart - close together if the terror threat is minimal, and very far apart if an attack seems imminent.

On occasion, he may use an actual fish. Perhaps one swordfish if the terrorists are coming by land, two North Atlantic salmon if by sea. Three flying fish if the bastards are coming by plane again. And a standard 12-inch parrotfish when bursting onto the scene at politically convenient moments to hail the captain's firm hand at the helm.

Related story:
U.S. at risk of attack by giant pterodactyl

Likable Republicans a “Low Blow”

By Chris Elliott

In what leading Democrats are calling more Republican dirty tricks, two of the GOP’s most admired party members were featured speakers at last night’s opening of the Republican National Convention.

Senator John McCain of Ariizona, and former mayor of New York City, Rudy Guliani both gave impassioned, positive, relatively attack-free speeches, making opening night of the convention an oasis of intelligent political discourse in a desert of shrill bickering.

“It’s utter trickery,” said Ted Kennedy. “Those bastards (pronounced bah-stahds) know exactly what they’re doing, believe me. There are two remaining adults in the Republican party, and they both bat in the same inning? Don’t piss on my head and tell me it’s raining.”


Lil' evil-doer

DAY ONE of the Republican National Convention got off to a strange start when President Bush grabbed a baby and hoisted it over his head in traditional campaign style.

The adorable photo-op turned ugly, however, when the tyke mocked the president by saying "Abu Ghraib," flawlessly, then stinging the horrified commander-in-chief with a stream of pee.


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Grain Expectations

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