flip-flops on bin Laden
One of President Bush's tough-guy soundbites is biting him
in the bum today.
After 9/11, the president promised to nail the terror kingpin
"dead or alive." But not long after he botched a
chance to do just that -- "outsourcing" the job
to Afghan warlords, as his opponent keeps pointing out --
Bush changed his tune.
With the mastermind of the 9/11 attacks still at large, Bush
was asked at a March 13, 2002, White House press conference
why he never mentions bin Laden anymore. The president, by
then laser-focused on a guy -- Saddam Hussein -- who did not
attack us, had lost interest in the man who did.
"You know, I just don't spend that much time on him,"
he responded. "I don't know where he is. ... I truly
am not that concerned about him."
Fast forward to last night's debate.
Kerry called Bush on his remarks about bin Laden: "Six
months after he said Osama bin Laden must be caught dead or
alive, this president was asked, 'Where is Osama bin Laden?'
He said, 'I don't know. I don't really think about him very
much. I'm not that concerned.'"
The president's response can be added to his staggering rapsheet
of misleading statements and outright lies: "Gosh, I
just don't think I ever said I'm not worried about Osama bin
Laden. It's kind of one of those EX-AGG-ER-A-TIONS."
But his blatant and pathetic attempt to flip-flop on his
own remarks is contradicted by reality.
president's March 13, 2002, remarks about bin Laden can be
seen here at the White House website.
In a damage-control statement released today, the president
said "of course" he knows bin Laden, not Saddam
Hussein, attacked the U.S. and "of course" he is
trying to catch him in time for the election.
Plus, he said, his favorite President Bush action figure
has killed a hapless Osama bin Laden action figure literally
dozens of times in Oval Office play sessions.
Laden claims responsibility
for infamous 'Curse of the Bambino'
Bush embraces 'trickle-down' strategy
President Bush says the new report showing Saddam Hussein
had absolutely had no weapons of mass destruction proves he
was right to launch a war to protect us from weapons of mass
destruction the Iraqi madman definitely did not possess.
For those readers still blinking and scratching their heads
in confusion, we repeat: President Bush told us we had to
invade Iraq because Hussein had WMDs. Now, faced with conclusive
proof Hussein did not have weapons, the president says, "See?
I told you I was right."
Supporters insist that the president's policy of peeing in
America's ear and telling voters what they want to hear --
his so-called "trickle-down" strategy -- is actually
a positive attribute because he does it so consistently.
But if he were to accidentally tell the truth, this would
be seen as a weakness. So, regarding Iraq, it is vitally important
that he keep showering us with a stream of piss and calling
it a golden beacon of democracy.
In a related development, Bush says the fact that he will
be the first president since Herbert Hoover to oversee a net
loss of jobs during his four-year term offers clear proof
that his economic policy is working.
Iraq weapons key issue at next debate
President Bush is expected to come out firing at tonight's
debate in St. Louis, but pundits disagree on whether he will
try to reclaim momentum from Sen. John Kerry by shooting the
Democratic insurgent with that cool pistol he got from Saddam
A new report confirming that the president's claims about
weapons of mass destruction in Iraq were absolutely false
has provided fresh ammunition for Kerry. But strategists say
Bush may exploit a loophole in the 32 pages of rules governing
the debate, which apparently fail to prohibit shooting one's
opponent with a souvenir firearm.
Kerry's message that the president rushed to war on falsified
intelligence and sunk America into a horrible mess may resonate
with voters, but President Bush is frankly getting a little
ticked off. A spokesman for the Bush campaign said the president
would only pop Kerry with Saddam's handgun as "a last
resort." But if Kerry uses the new weapons report to
"get in the president's face" he may be asking for
"Of course Saddam Hussein had weapons. He could have
attacked the American people with that pistol, but the president
took it from him. That's leadership," the Bush spokesman
said. "John Kerry would have waited for the United Nations
to take Saddam's pistol."
Pundits render verdict in
Vice President Dick Cheney outlines his plan to
choke John Edwards.
case of Cheney v. Edwards
By John Breneman
Sen. Edwards challenges Cheney to "put up
Vice President Dick Cheney scored a decisive blow in his
debate with Sen. John Edwards on Tuesday by citing a link
between Al Qaeda and U.S. trial lawyers. Cheney also claimed
that, if elected, John Kerry would appoint Germans and Frenchmen
to his Cabinet.
Pundits called the debate a clear victory for the very composed
Cheney, who did not snarl or rip his shirt off and turn huge
and green, even when Edwards kept talking about what a mess
Cheney and his pet monkey have made while doing their doody.
Cheney called Edwards a young whipper-flopper who first voted
FOR President Bush's plan to rush to war on phony intelligence
and badly mishandle the whole operation, then turned AGAINST
the war once the president's death toll got too high.
But Edwards responded by calling Bush-Cheney double flip-floppers
who first OPPOSED creating the 9/11 Commission because it
might expose their fraud and incompetence and then said OK
once public opinion forced them to.
Edwards also noted that Cheney was FOR doing business with
evil Iran when he was making big money with Halliburton, but
AGAINST evil Iran now that he is only getting deferred compensation
Cheney refrained from telling Edwards, "Go f--- yourself,"
instead saying, "I've been taking massive dumps in the
White House since you were in diapers, Senator." He also
defied pre-debate expectations that he might try to squish
the puny Edwards between his thumb and forefinger or beat
him silly with an aluminum tube.
Edwards went on the offensive, saying he would represent
the American people in a class-action lawsuit against Bush
and Cheney for fraudulent leadership, arbitrary and capricious
war-mongering and for destroying America's credibility around
the world. The suit would target some of the money Bush-Cheney
have lavished on wealthy supporters to buy votes and instead
use it to help regular people.
On gay marriage, Edwards said President Bush's call a federal
amendment amounts to "using the Constitution as a political
tool and it's wrong." Cheney responded by saying his
gay daughter could beat the crap out of Edwards.
A Humor Gazette tracking poll found that if the election
were held today Cheney would immobilize Kerry and Edwards
by secreting a toxic venom through his fangs.
Fixing the Sunday headlines
Perhaps you are one of the millions of Americans who likes
to read the Sunday paper to catch up on the news.
That's all well and good. But the paper doesn't tell the
whole story. In fact, did you know that most mainstream newspapers
are almost completely devoid of satire?
So if you feel you are not getting the whole story, that
your "traditional" newspaper does not provide you
with the timely, outrageous fake news that you need, look
no further than the Humor Gazette.
Today we introduce a new feature called "Behind the
Headlines." Or maybe it's called "Subversive Subheds"
Here's how it works: Below, printed in bold, are a
series of REAL headlines from Sunday's Boston Globe.
Repeat: the bold headlines are real. The trick
here is that printed just beneath the real headlines are what
we call FAKE headlines that add both humor and context to
the actual news. Ready?
Candidates' war rooms to reassess battle plans
Bush expected to pack heat for next debate
Supreme Court to start new term tomorrow
Majority of justices stand ready to reappoint Bush in '04
Gunfire, bombings kill 44 in India
That's OK, majority to be reincarnated as spider monkeys
At rumbling Mount St. Helens, hazard level is raised
Hundreds flee wrath of fiery mountain bitch
Afghan warlords hunt for votes
Local candidate promises two camels in every garage
Backroom dealing a Capitol trend
Key votes can sell for up to $14 million
Cheney presses Hussein-Qaeda link
VP still believes lying is key to victory on Nov. 2
20 Questions about Post-Debate Spin
By John Breneman
Is the water cooler half empty or half full?
Did Kerry hammer Bush with that "colossal error of judgment"
zinger? Or did Bush impress voters by telling 'em 11 times
that fighting terror is "hard work"?
Did the president convince even more Americans that we had
to invade Iraq because "the enemy attacked us"?
Or did Kerry catch Bush pulling his ole "Saddam had to
pay for 9/11" trick?
Did Bush wow 'em by repeating his consistent message that
Kerry is inconsistent? Or did Kerry shake Bush's steadfast
resolve that all he needs to win re-election is steadfast
As they say in the influential hip-hop demographic, did Flip-Flop
get dope slapped or did Kid Kerry rock the mike and make W.
These are the questions that spin through our heads as the
unpredictable post-debate portion of the debate unfolds before
Did the challenger hit a home run?
Did the incumbent lay an egg?
Did Bush's "plainspoken" personality shine through
when he said, "I uh ..." then froze for several
agonizing seconds? Or did President Six-Pack overcome a subpar
oratorical performance by making funny faces at Senator Smarty-Pants?
Did Kerry get under Bush's skin by reminding him that Osama
bin Laden, not Saddam Hussein, attacked America on Sept. 11?
Or did the president successfully rebut the charge by saying,
duh, "Of course I know Osama bin Laden attacked us. I
Did Kerry score rhetorical points by saying Bush "outsourced"
the job of capturing bin Laden to Afghan warlords working
for minimum wage? Or was it a low blow to remind Jr. that
his daddy was smart enough not to bumble into Iraq with no
Did Kerry make headway by suggesting the president's tax
cuts for the rich would be better spent making America safer?
Or does Bush really expect voters to buy his simplistic response
that of course we're safe with him because "That's my
Perhaps the most important questions of all: Will these revealing
face-to-face showdowns cause any supporters of this failed
president to look back after Nov. 2 and say, "I actually
DID vote for George W. Bush, before I voted against him"?
Or is it too late to convince those who have been duped by
Mr. Bush that he is the wrong president at the wrong place
at the wrong time?
John Kerry and George Bush square off Thursday
Click here to Punch
Bush, Kerry to trade
By John Breneman
Now that the debate on the Vietnam War is almost over, it
is time for another presidential debate. This one will help
determine who will lead America for the next four years --
Flip-Flop or Just Plain Flop.
The rules are simple: No eye-gouging, head-butting or
Sound-biting is not only allowed, it is practically the only
way a candidate can score "points" at a modern-day
presidential forum, since post-debate analysis is largely
confined to who sighed or shrugged, who looked at his watch,
or did the best job delivering a zinger written by his team
of political strategists. Points are added for making the
audience laugh, but not deducted for blatant lies.
Attempts at substantive dialogue are frowned upon. This is
because, though polls say voters crave "substance"
over "flash," polls also show that most Americans
can no longer detect "substance" unless it is delivered
using an eye-grabbing jolt of "flash."
Additional rules, agreed to in a 32-page document designed
to limit spontaneity, specifically prohibit bitch-slapping,
throwing of feces and (flashback to 1988) any hypothetical
questions about a candidate's wife getting raped and murdered.
In the interest of national security, President Bush will
not be forced to explain why he flip-flopped on his pledge
to catch Osama bin Laden "dead or alive" or why
he chose to respond to the tragedy of 9/11 by starting a brand
new death toll in Iraq.
Security will be tight in response to concerns that al Qaeda
may try to disrupt the event, perhaps by sneaking a whoopee
cushion onto Bush's podium or beheading a few more registered
The moderator, beloved game show host Wink Martindale, will
be heavily armed.
The debate is set for 9 p.m. Thursday night at the University
of Miami, where fun-loving undergrads will be playing the
Presidential Debate Drinking Game.
The rules are simple:
-- Each time either man says "duty," drink one
large gulp of beer.
-- Each time either candidate emits a well-practiced soundbite
that is meant to sound spontaneous, guzzle one large gulp
-- Each time Kerry says "family values," drink
one 2-ounce glob of Heinz ketchup.
-- Each time Bush says "family values," snort one
line of cocaine.
-- If anyone says "four more years," drink four
-- If President Bush insists we must "stay the course,"
just take a bunch of pills and go to bed.
Two soldiers write about the depravity
This article is
One of the burning questions of this political season is
whether John Kerry participated in or was witness to acts
of depravity while a navy officer during Vietnam. The question
has opened up old wounds -- wounds not quite yet healed --
from 30 years ago. Kerry testified before Congress in the
early 1970s and repeated what some of his fellow soldiers
had told him about atrocities committed during battle.
But the very nature of the debate underscores, as it should,
the insanity of war. War creates an atmosphere where decent
people are thrown into a cauldron of madness, where the rules
of engagement change overnight, and where opportunities for
inhuman behavior present themselves when they otherwise, in
a less violent world, would not.
is easy for us, on the sidelines, to condemn what happened
at Abu Ghraib prison, or at Buchenwald, for that matter --
because we were not there. Would all of us have acted just
as inhumanly, as we would like to believe we never would?
That's the scary thing. Or would we have risen above the actions
of the mob to be the voice of sanity? We don't know.
But while we consider the question of whether John Kerry
is telling the truth or not, we can listen to two different
accounts from two different wars, both of which unveil the
sense of anger and chaos that war can cause. One, from the
Civil War, is told by an unnamed Connecticut soldier who recounts
a disgusting episode of casual bigotry. And the other is from
World War II veteran Lenny Bruce, who unleashes a torrent
of lingering resentment during a drug-besotted concert in
Did John Kerry witness acts of depravity during Vietnam?
Maybe, maybe not. But he had many brothers in arms who, unfortunately,
This is from an issue of the Connecticut War Record, published
The 21st (Conn. Volunteers) were ordered on board the
Transport "John Farren," but were subsequently disembarked
and returned to their position in the 'Rifle Pits.' We were
again ordered to embark, and returned to the boat for that
purpose. Arriving at the wharf we found that through some
misunderstanding of the Quartermaster, the 'John Farren,'
which was laden with all our baggage, had been completely
loaded down with negroes and their baggage. The way those
darkies and effects were transferred from the boat to the
shore 'was a caution' to the 'poor emancipated Africans.'
After the negroes were all disembarked our men were ordered
on board to unload the baggage, and mounting the hurricane
deck, where it had been packed away, they charged upon the
confused mass of African possessions and commenced transferring
them in a very unceremonious manner to the wharf. The scene
which followed baffles description - and I doubt if the history
of the whole war can present a like scene, or the Emancipation
Proclamation of Father Abraham ever called forth another such
sight. Feather beds fell like snow flakes, only rather more
forcibly, upon the heads of frantic searchers for 'their own'
household goods. Bedding, clothing, all manner of domestic
goods, filled the air and fell like rain in one confused and
inextricable mass. Wenches displaying the pluck and muscle
of a Hercules in giving punishment to some luckless darkey,
who in her fruitless search for her undiscovered property
had invaded the rights of another.
Hooped skirts were hurled gracefully from the deck to
come down enveloping some corpulent wench, and adding to her
wrath, already rampant. Some were crying, some laughing, some
fighting, and all wrangled amid the shower of 'bag and baggage,'
which 'mingling fell.' And thus we left them, to be subsequently
conveyed to Newbern, but if they ever live to sort that baggage
they will exceed the average length of African longevity.
Yes, well. And this is a report from the liberators.
On Dec. 4, 1964, Lenny Bruce performed at the Gate of Horn
nightclub. "Let the buyer beware," the emcee intones,
probably for two reasons. Bruce was known not just for his
comedy, but for his well-known use of obscenities. At this
concert, he also seems to be quite stoned.
Nonetheless, even under the influence, Bruce could be funny
and devastating. Here, he is slashing, as he asks the question
"Why are Americans hated everywhere?" He answers
it by recounting what he says happened between American soldiers
and the Europeans who were needing some of the things the
Americans carried. It isn't a happy tale, nor was it meant
think I did a little more traveling than anyone in this audience.
I think I've been on more invasions than anyone in this audience.
I was on six. I made some real daddies. I was on a cruiser
called the USS Brooklyn. I was a 2nd class gunners mate. I
was [unintelligible] from '42 to '45 July -- that's when Germany
fell, in July. Doing it's dirty. They hate Americans everywhere,
do you know why? Because they fucked all their mothers for
chocolate bars and don't you forget that, jim. You don't think
those kids have heard that since 1942? 'You know what those
Americans did to your poor mother?' They lined her up those
bastards -- your father had to throw up his poor guts in the
kitchen while he waited out there and that master sergeant
schtupped your poor mother for their stinkin' coffee and their
eggs and their friggin' cigarettes. Those Americans. That's
it, jim. That's all they've heard, those kids. Those kids
are now 23, 25 years old. The Americans. There's the guy that
did it to my mother. Would you assume that they would say
'There's the guy who fucked my mother. Thank you, thank you,
thank you. Thank you for that and for giving us candy?"
Lenny Bruce was arrested later in that performance and today
it's easy to ask: Was Bruce arrested for swearing, or for
saying things like the above which you could imagine were
the things no one, ever, wanted to hear?
War makes people do things and say things they'd rather never
have done in the first place and it certainly makes them do
things they'd just as soon forget.
One way, of course, to avoid this heartache is to not put
people in this terrible and unfair situation in the first
Osama world's least popular baby name
Moderate Arabs in America face a peculiar and growing crisis
-- what to name their children. Largely due to the rapid pace
of enemy-making under the Bush doctrine, more and more famous
terrorists are being cranked out every day, gradually winnowing
the available pool of appropriate Arabic baby names.
For instance, it would take a really "in your face"
fundamentalist Muslim to name his kid Osama. Likewise, Muktada
is now unavailable to the moderate Muslim family. While he
is unknown to most Americans, the terrorist exploits that
have landed Amjad Husain Farooqui at the top of the Sindh
police's most wanted terrorist list, have removed the very
popular name of Amjad from the lexicon of available Arabic
As if Abu Nidal's terrorist activities weren't enough, the
spate of car bombs in Iraq attributed to Abu Musab al-Zarqawi
has resulted in the name Abu dropping drastically in popularity.
The same is true of the name Omar, the moniker of the blind
cleric who masterminded the 1993 World Trade Center bombing.
There is always the default name of Mohammed as an option,
as Mohammed Atta's high profile participation in the terror
attacks of September 11 notwithstanding, the chief prophet
of Islam will never be eclipsed by any single terrorist. Still,
most modern American Arabs are looking for something with
a bit more panache than the tried and true Mohammed.
Other second tier terrorist names, not well-known in the
states yet, but still famous for terrorism among those in
the know include Shoukat, Asif, Naveed, Syed, Chhota, and
"It's terrible really," said New York City cab
driver Ahkmed Hassim. "Our first son, Osama, was born
in 1995, and now all of the kids at school are constantly
bombarding him with spitballs, knocking his turban off, that
sort of thing. We have another child on the way, and we don't
want to make the same mistake again."
White Americans have traditionally fallen victim to relatively
few scourges, and as such have not had to deal with the problem
of a lack of appropriate baby names. As long as Mom and Dad
stay off the sauce through the paperwork and avoid "Adolph,"
"Ghengis," and "Tojo," it is usually smooth
identity-sailing for little Egbert. Not so for followers of
"Look, it's already hard enough enduring the stares
and muttered curses," Ahkmed Hassim said. "We don't
need people to think we're trying to make a point with our
children's names. I blame Bush for this. If he weren't so
unilateral in his foreign policy, there wouldn't be this kind
of violent reaction from the Islamic world. One thing is for
sure. If it's a boy, I'm definitely not naming him George."
Kerry campaign shaken by Bush ineptitude
By John Breneman
The Humor Gazette has obtained documents showing that John
Kerry is a war hero and George W. Bush is an asshole.
The information has been authenticated by the same experts
who verified President Bush's uranium yellow cake documents.
However, the revelation is not expected to impact the election
because in the interest of national security the president
has brainwashed half the nation into chanting "flip-flop"
on his command.
No documents, real or forged, have yet emerged to support
the theory, widely held in Democratic circles, that President
Bush in 1973 sold his soul to the Devil in exchange for the
future presidency and an 8-ball of fine Colombian powder.
Meanwhile, the Kerry campaign has been shaken by revelations
that Bush used his father's influence to stay out of Vietnam
then just disappeared from the National Guard.
Supporters of the president apparently see no irony or shame
in the fact the president's men have slammed Kerry for getting
shot at by the Viet Cong while their man was getting bombed
on kamikazes, or that he misled us into war, got thousands
of people killed and quadrupled the number of people who want
This is because, as seen on TV, President Bush possesses
a rare ability to piss in your ear and tell you it's a shimmering
beacon of democracy.
The president appeared before the United Nations on Tuesday,
reiterating his statement that if he knew then what he knows
today -- that no weapons would be found and that thousands
of people would lie dead -- he would still blaze cluelessly
into Iraq and turn it into a smoldering cesspool of violence
The president's supporters understand that Bush needs the
war to make him feel like a big man and accept the president's
word that that blasting the place into freedom is the only
way to make sure the Iraqi suicide bombers of 9/11 don't strike
The only thing the president said he would do differently
would be to act a little cockier. Those close to the president
say that, in retrospect, he now regrets he did not taunt Saddam
Hussein a little more, call him a "girlie man" and
sneer "Look at you now, punk."
Maybe decorate Saddam's face with a few haymakers while Cheney
and Rumsfeld hold his arms, then strip him naked and put him
on a dog leash for a while. Bury some cowboy boot in his freedom-hating
The president also reminded the U.N. of his pre-war promise
that there would be "serious consequences" if Saddam
Hussein continued his defiance. But with the death toll climbing
each day and no end in sight, the rest of the world now has
a stark, hellish picture of what President Bush means by "serious
Humor Gazette's end-of-summer reading
Complied by Gazette contributor Chris Elliott, author
of "Trumpet Breath"
and "The Other White Chris Elliott."
Women Are From Mars and Men have a Penis by John
In this the sequel to the smash hit relationship book, "Men
Are From Mars, Women are From Venus," author Doctor John
Gray finally looks between his legs and gets it right.
"The Misadventures of Curious George W. Bush"
Windows For Asswipes by Greg Harvey
Easy to read computer instruction from the author of "Windows
For Dummies." According to the author, 'Windows
for Dummies' was very successful, and I figure that there
have to be at least as many asswipes in the world as there
Another Shitty Book by Steven King by Steven King
King breaks from his Internet marketing experiments for
his first print novel since he got mowed down by a man he
later killed with mind control. This ones almost as
bad as "Tommyknockers."
Martha Stewart Dying by Bob Lord
A sequel to "Martha Stewart Living," only Martha
Stewart neither wrote nor authorized this book. Author Bob
Lord despises Martha Stewart, and he wrote forty chapters,
each of which contains a fantasy vignette of Martha Stewart
dying a horrible, painful death.
Pro Wrestling is Gay by Chris Elliott
Elliott makes a convincing case that pro wrestlers are gay,
and that pro wrestling fans are if not gay, certainly latent.
The Greatest Generation...As If! by Ralph Nader
Not to be outdone by Tom Brokaw, Nader tells it like it
is and reveals World War II veterans as a bunch of atom bomb-dropping
Coming into Dennis by Barney Frank
The Massachusetts congressman describes his favorite memories
of driving from Boston out to Cape Cod.
Who Cut the Cheese by Spencer Johnson, M.D.
The famed author of Who Moved My Cheese talks about another
kind of movement.
Multiple Origamis by Dr. Ruth Westheimer
The famed sex specialist explains how because of her incredible
ugliness she has to jerk off with paper mache dildoes.
NOTE to READERS: Send us your favorite (fake) book
titles and a short description for possible inclusion in the
Humor Gazette's highly anticipated Fall Reading List.
if you hate America and want to die soon
By J.D. Stone
Last week our great Vice President Richard "Dick"
Cheney eloquently told the American people that if they made
the mistake of electing John Kerry as president that deadly
terrorist attacks were sure to follow.
Being a great supporter of the Cheney/Bush administration
(aka the "Dick in the Bush" regime), I got to thinking
about what other tragedies might befall the American people
if we were to make the grave mistake of putting our electoral
muscle behind John Kerry instead of George W. Bush.
The following list itemizes many other bad things that are
quite likely to happen to YOU if you vote for John Kerry:
you vote for John Kerry it is very likely that you will start
getting extreme body odor that would ruin any social life
you might have.
you vote for John Kerry it is very likely that your dog will
men who vote for John Kerry can expect a bad case of erectile
you vote for John Kerry, Osama bin Laden will pay a personal
visit to your house and, along with Willie Horton, gang rape
your loved ones.
you vote for John Kerry and you are a Yankee fan it is very
likely that the Red Sox will win the World Series this year.
you vote for John Kerry and you are a Red Sox fan it is very
likely that the Yankees will win the World Series this year.
you vote for John Kerry your TV will break.
you vote for John Kerry you will lose your job.
you vote for John Kerry it is quite likely you will begin
flip-flopping on all major decisions.
if you vote for John Kerry you will become homosexual and
want to move to Massachusetts to marry a same-sex partner.
So, if you were of the opinion that this election didn't
mean much to you personally, think again! Be a patriot and
don't let fear get the better of you, join the team and vote
for four more years of "Dick in the Bush."
*Paid for by Bush/Cheney 2004 - Operation Sensitive Destruction
By John Breneman
As I imagined the next generation of computer-literate, college-bound
kindergarteners heading off to school this week, I began to
reflect on my own indelible experiences in education.
From my humble beginnings in a suburban Pittsburgh nursery
school, I rose through our oft-criticized public school system,
achieved a college degree that I recently finished paying
off, and embarked upon an odyssey of never-ending alternative
The following is a brief chronology -- in pithy yearbook
style -- of the estimated 20,000 hours I spent in school:
Kindergarten: Utilized Play-Doh to develop cognitive
skills and acute motor coordination. Scrawled Crayola pictures
a psychiatrist would likely have interpreted as warning signs
for juvenile dementia.
Grade 1: Miss Roseberry, chocolate milk for lunch
every day. Mind a blank slate. Explored the metaphysical question:
"Do gingerbread men really exist?"
Grade 2: Mrs. Goodwin. Expository essays on the adventures
of Dick, Jane and Spot provided first evidence of miserably
bad cursive handwriting. Consumed gallons of chocolate milk.
Grade 3: 1969. Speed Racer became first man on moon.
Another woman teacher, name unknown. Rejected chocolate milk
Grade 4: Mr. Mariner, a mean man who teased pot-bellied
classmate Michael Yuengling and made him cry each day.
Grade 5: Mrs. Seaton, a bow-legged science teacher,
for homeroom. Kid asked about my ethnic background. "American"
was all I knew, so naturally I responded "part Pennsylvanian
and part Antihistamine."
Grade 6: Moved from Pittsburgh to York, Maine, in
summer. School burned down in fall, one week vacation. Earned
my first Ds on report card. Annoying personality led to my
only two schoolyard fights, on consecutive days.
Grade 7: Placed 15th in classroom spelling bee by
correctly spelling "photosynthesis" and "antihistamine."
Grade 8: Served 1-5 (days) in minimum-security detention
room for delinquent behavior (skipping a school day and getting
caught). Brief stints in shop and home ec did little to instill
mechanical or culinary aptitude.
Grade 9: Learned to fly through the air with assistance
of "mini-tramp." Fell under influence of subliminal
messages in song "Mama Kin" by Aerosmith.
Grade 10: Influenced by track coach Mr. Clark, Decided
to become a half-assed high jumper instead of pro baseball
player. Started to derive pleasure from writing -- particularly
bizarre little stories.
Grade 11: Submitted report on Abraham Lincoln with
third grade-quality pencil sketch on cover and got a B. Actually
deserved higher grade, so my brother submitted same report
several years later (new cover) and got an A.
Grade 12: Prepared for real life by studying Calculus.
First story for school newspaper (subject: wombats) led to
paper being named "The Wombat Weekly." (Who could
forget "Tungsten Steele: Professional Daredevil"
or "Jupiter Gallstone Speaks Out for Camping"?)
Colby College: Studied Japanese and learned true meaning
of "wakarimasen" ("I don't understand").
Like George W. Bush, engaged in "young and irresponsible"
behavior. Unlike Bill Clinton, did inhale.
Postgraduate work: Rambled about U.S. with friend
in maroon Ford van. Started writing for The York Weekly and
took a couple journalism courses at UNH. Decided to play with
Humor Gazette editor John Breneman is capable of writing
at a second-grade level.
Political football: Donkeys defeat Elephants
The Donkeys beat the Elephants 51-49 on a last-second fumble
by GOP quarterback George W. Bush to open the 2004 Political
Football League season last night.
The Elephants appeared headed for victory, leading 49-44
and needing only a first down to run out the clock with just
32 seconds left.
"Four more yards!" Bush yelled to Dick Cheney,
the bruising fullback who had already scored two touchdowns
and spent half the game in Donkey quarterback John Kerry's
face, questioning his manhood and taunting him as "sensitive."
Through most of the contest, the Elephants kept Kerry off
balance with an array of unorthodox tactics -- from deception
and dirty play to actually spitting on his uniform -- that
made it tougher to run his familiar East Coast Liberal offense.
But the Donkeys managed it keep it close, thanks in part
to an erratic performance by Bush, who fumbled five times
and tossed three interceptions.
Sideline observers said Colin Powell and John McCain seemed
a little half-hearted for the GOP and former Donkey benchwarmer
Zell Miller, now a vocal member of the Elephants offensive
unit, drew several key penalties for ranting on the sidelines.
Legendary Donkey superstar Bill Clinton managed three scores,
two touchdowns and one cheerleader.
And the entire game came down to the final play.
GOP center Arnold Schwarzenegger snapped the ball and flung
Howard Dean into the bleachers. Then he flattened Democratic
linemen Gephardt and Kucinich, opening a giant hole for the
Bush's eyes widened as he saw a clear path to the end zone.
He began high-stepping, holding the football out to one side
and thinking about what kind of touchdown pose to strike.
But the president failed to see blitzing Donkey linebacker
Max Cleland flying in from his blind side.
Cleland smashed into Bush like a piledriver, snapping his
head back and knocking the grin clean off of his face. The
tenacious Democrat then pounced on the loose ball and shoveled
it to Teddy Kennedy, who waddled and staggered 84 yards for
the game-winning score with Bill O'Reilly and Rush Limbaugh
on his back.
Bush urged to kick $177M-a-day war habit
President Bush's colorful
past as a coke-snorting, beer-guzzling party
animal should not hurt his re-election bid, political
analysts say, because he already addressed the issue a few
years when he kicked the bottle and made God his new best
But now muckraking biographer Kitty Kelley writes in "The
Family: The Real Story of the Bush Dynasty" that young
George W. put narcotics up his nose at Camp David while his
pop was president. The allegation is made by Sharon Bush,
ex-wife of his brother Neil, the one who got mixed up all
those Chinese hookers.
Kelley writes that Bush learned how to use cocaine at Yale
during a three-day Ecstasy and speedball bender. Once he graduated
and blew all the dough his dad's friends gave him to look
for oil, Bush allegedly turned to cocaine to pep him up some
and got so excited he had to be talked out of investing in
a "can't miss" deal down in Colombia.
In a related development, critics have intensified their
call for President Bush to kick his $177-million-a-day
Vice President Dick Cheney dismissed the controversial book
as "fucking garbage" and directed the White House
character assassination machine to hammer Kelley, whom he
referred to as a "skanky libel-spewing bitch."
Critics charge that Bush is guilty of first-degree hypocrisy,
pointing out that as governor of Texas, George W. Bush supported
and signed legislation increasing penalties for drug possession
in that state (The
Progress Report). In one instance, then-Gov. Bush
signed legislation mandating jail time for people caught with
less than a single gram of cocaine.
But judging by how easy it was for the Bush machine to napalm
Kerry's wartime heroism with its relentless purple heart attack,
despite the president's own pathetic military record, the
White House is not worried.
Gazette endorses Bush
Now more than ever, as we wage the war against terror in
Washington and Iraq, America needs a brash, uncompromising
president who is not afraid to take action in the face of
questionable intelligence -- a man capable of making profound,
far-reaching decisions undistracted by knowledge, logic and
Winning the White House's war in Iraq will require a
cocky, shoot-from-the-lip leader
who doesn't give a Texas damn what other nations think of
us -- an aggressive, unapologetic war president determined
to ignore and discredit nagging voices of dissent during these
Now more than ever America needs George W. Bush, shrewd son
of a rich Republican dynasty who understands it is more imperative
to talk about moral values than to actually embody them --
faux gun-slinger skilled in shrugging off seemingly
damaging developments with a soundbite and a smirk.
When the Good Lord informed President Bush that Saddam Hussein
must go, he did not waver or fret about international opposition.
He wisely heeded God's
instructions, smoked the WMD-packing madman into a
hole and took him out.
The world is surely a safer place now that the al Qaeda-loving
dictator is no longer in power. Who could deny that we become
more secure with each terrorist who is killed or stacked up
naked in a pile?
Indeed, we know we are safer because -- though the wrath
of Allah may rain down upon us at any moment -- President
Bush keeps repeating that he is making us safer.
Quibbling over past statements about weapons of mass destruction
and links between Iraq and al Qaeda does not do America any
good now. This anti-Bush rhetoric is the stuff of simpering
Saddam sympathizers who think they can have their uranium
yellow cake and eat it too.
Sometimes we are moved to ask: What part of "you're
with us or you're with the terrorists" don't these people
Also hurting the cause are those who would question why 1,000
young Americans must make the ultimate sacrifice to take over
a country where no weapons have yet been found. To this we
say, simply: Freedom-hating thug. Hated America. Madman. World
a safer place.
may seize upon some of the
president's words to paint him as a thick-headed,
born-again slacker who is intellectually and morally unfit
for his job as leader of the free world. Some
even mock his alternative pronunciation of the explosively
symbolic word "nuclear."
But when the president said recently, "Our enemies are
innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop
thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people,
and neither do we," he meant to trumpet his vigilance
against evildoers, not re-ignite charges that his administration's
actions have put us at greater risk. We must understand that
this is a man so composed in the face of an unspeakable tragedy
that he continued to read "My
Pet Goat" to schoolchildren upon learning of
the Sept. 11 attacks.
Yes, do not misunderestimate George W. Bush. Family jewels
and fancy schools do not guarantee a facility with fancy words
like "malfeasance" and "subliminible."
So what if he has five ways to say "Abu
Ghraib" or seems to have forgotten about bin
The important thing is he believes he has the ability to
communicate with the Lord, and thus will not be constrained
by the separation of church and state as he protects the God-given
right of each fetus to own a gun.
We must not let some decorated military "hero"
cut short the divine mission of a man who whose own stealthy
service during the Vietnam War helped keep the homefront safe
See, the president has told us in no uncertain terms that
his bleeding Purple Heart liberal opponent plans to raise
taxes by $8 trillion, decimate the U.S. military and stamp
out family values.
Yes, America should be wary of John Kerry. What kind of flip-flopper
fights bravely for his country then turns around and talks
about the horrors of war?
President Bush not only supported the war in Vietnam, he
completed his Air National Guard service so masterfully that
there are no eye-witness accounts of it to be found, and certainly
no embarrassing politically motivated Bronze Star incidents.
Now, as commander-in-chief, he battles enemies old and new
while protecting our way of life from threats posed by stem-cell
research, gun control and the ultimate menace to our society,
And so, as the most important election of our time draws
near, do not be fooled by partisan Democratic claims or valid
independent research that President Bush has harmed the economy
with his tax cuts for the rich, damaged our nation's stature
in the eyes of the world and needlessly sacrificed thousands
of American and Iraqi lives.
As the president might say, now is not the time to not stay
the course. Make no mistake, that would be a victory for the
terrorists as they keep trying to weaken our resolve.
So if you want a president who would never exercise sensitivity
in bludgeoning Iraq into democracy, a president who understands
that a rising death toll means lower unemployment, a president
whose men will do whatever it takes to get him back into the
White House, vote for George W. Bush on November 2.
Editor, Humor Gazette
Bush front group smears Humor Gazette
The Humor Gazette, preparing its blockbuster coverage of
the Republican National Convention, has already run into a
A group calling itself Lying
Sacks of Elephant Dung for Bush has apparently launched
a smear campaign against the Gazette, claiming the publication
did not deserve its three Purple Funnybone awards for wartime
The Bush attack dogs, a drooling pack of failed Republican
comics, even called into question a prestigious Bronze
Groucho awarded to Gazette editor John Breneman by
the New England Press Association in 2001.
Sen. Bob Dole called the Gazette's humor "superficial"
and suggested it be banned from covering the Republican Convention
unless it signed a loyalty oath to President Bush.
Gazette publisher Arturo DiMaunchie responded quickly, calling
President Bush "a major league jackass" and "perhaps
the slimiest president of all-time," while pledging that
the paper's "fair and balanced" convention coverage
would not be affected by the president's "moral
cowardice" nor his lame, possibly illegal, attempt
credit for the Iraqi soccer team's Olympic glory.
smears Humor Gazette:
March 31 report documents pattern of harrassment
No cease-fire in U.S. political war
By John Breneman
Hostilities between warring factions intensified today with
a harsh new attack by a group called Swift Boat Veterans Who
Want to Gouge Kerry's Eyes Out.
Sen. John Kerry, leader of the insurgent rebels seeking to
oust President Bush from office, responded by accusing presidential
henchmen of war crimes against his military record.
Sen. John McCain called for a cease-fire, but most TV pundits
agreed that it's probably too late for that and that any talk
of the economy or the war on terror must take a back seat
to sensational round-the-clock analysis of the distastefully
sexy political battle.
Meanwhile, polls show a slight increase in America's confusion
over how a guy with the president's shameful record of military
non-service could get away with attacking a guy who not only
volunteered to fight in Vietnam, but also took shrapnel and
saved a guy's life.
To combat accusations that he is a Communist-loving, America-hating
medal faker, the Kerry campaign is denying any connection
with a new ad depicting President Bush as a psychopathic moron
who will probably destroy the U.S. economy and accidentally
cause a nuclear war.
When questioned about a new intelligence report indicating
that Osama bin Laden is quite amused by the escalating elephant-donkey
war, President Bush responded, "Osama who?"
FCC fines NBC for Olympic coverage
The FCC has imposed a hefty fine on NBC for repeatedly broadcasting
the word "snatch" during coverage of Olympic weightlifting
competition. Federal censors added that many viewers might
also be offended by the imagery evoked by the words "clean
FCC Chairman Michael Powell explained that the term "snatch"
is also used as slang for the female genitalia and "jerk"
is a word occasionally used to describe auto-erotic activity,
or masturbation in layman's terms.
The weightlifting competition also features "more grunting
that you hear in most porn movies," said Powell, adding
of the Olympic Games in general, "What do you expect
from an event that used to be held in the nude."
Ukrainian weightlifter Vladimir Yankov admitted to moaning
and groaning throughout the competition, but said it is almost
impossible to compete at the Olympic level without emitting
the loud grunt that traditionally signals the successful climax
of the snatch.
crackdown may also target wrestling, which he said "appears
to be nothing more than two men rolling around on the floor,
grabbing each other to find out who'll be the dominant one
and who will submit."
The FCC chief warned male swimmers and divers to avoid wearing
tiny Speedo trunks and said women's beach volleyball is "one
wardrobe malfunction away from a big fine."
Powell, who may force NBC to blur the groin area of competitors
in the 100-meter race, said he cringes every time an announcer
speak of a gymnast "nailing her dismount" and is
still deciding whether commentators may say "pole vault"
on the air.
Man plans Iditarod run with team of Corgis
A tenacious Corgi trains for the Iditarod.
Alaska's famous annual sled dog race will have an unusual
competitor next year when Emile Robideau races his fleet of
100 Corgis. Robideau is considered an underdog in the event,
as Corgis have notoriously short legs and aren't good in the
"They are tenacious little dogs," Robideau said
in defense of his application to run the Corgis. "I have
no doubt that they have the willpower to prevail in this contest.
Anyone who has ever owned a Corgi will tell you that they
hate to lose."
this Chihuahua's dreams of
Robideau is no stranger to the Iditarod, having run it several
times with Malamutes. He dropped out of conventional racing
last year because according to Robideau, he "kept getting
beaten by a girl." As a response, he resorted to unconventional
race methodologies, hopeful that even in the event of a loss,
he would be considered in a different category, therefore
not really branded as having lost to a girl.
Last year, Robideau attempted to enter the Iditarod with
a fleet of 100 Mexican Hairless Chihuahuas, but had to back
out when 40 of them came down with frostbite. Robideau was
dismissive of the dogs' performance, and vowed to return with
a better breed of dog. "Those Chihuahuas just got cold
feet. The Corgis have much bigger hearts than the Chihuahuas,
and I know they're going to do just fine."
The N-U-C-L-E-A-R litmus test
The Democratic National Convention is behind us, and the
case has been stated for change. There have been niceties
and tributes, and there has been rancor and vitriol. Surely
though, the event's highlight was John Kerry's acceptance
speech. Kerry touched upon on all relevant points that will
determine the election's outcome, and he did so with all of
the grace that could have been expected. One particularly
high point for me was his pronunciation of the word "nuclear."
The "c" was pronounced immediately before the "l"
and there was no insertion between the two letters of an arbitrary
letter "y." To appropriate a well-worn phrase, John
Kerry hit the pronunciation of the word "nuclear"
out of the park.
It was awesome. For the first time since Al Gore's campaign
four years ago, I was observing a man in the pursuit of our
highest office who could pronounce a word that most of us
grew up with. MORE
Chris Elliott can be reached at CDElliott009@aol.com
Bush intelligence decision lacks
In nominating Rep. Porter J. Goss of Florida to head up the
C.I.A., President Bush wisely went for a loyal Republican
who has already attacked the intelligence record of the man
who is trying to take his new boss's job.
Intelligence experts say the intelligence post nomination
is generating a stream of intelligence (or "chatter")
suggesting that partisan attacks are likely. It also led to
the following exchange at the Tuesday morning Rose Garden
HUMOR GAZETTE: Mr. President why did you select a
man who, according to the New
York Times, denounced John Kerry's intelligence record
on the House floor in June and whose own work providing oversight
of the C.I.A. as chairman of the House Intelligence Committee
was deemed ineffective by the commission investigating the
PRESIDENT BUSH: "If I told you that, I'd have
to kill you. Heh, heh."
"Just kidding," said Bush, whose trademark smirk
then turned into a grimace when he was asked how his plan
for a national director of intelligence who would assume some
of the C.I.A. chief's traditional duties would affect Goss's
"Beats me," said the president.
This just in from the New York Times: "The office of
director of intelligence has got to be kept out of politics,"
said Stansfield Turner, director of central intelligence under
President Jimmy Carter. "It's already lost a lot of its
credibility with the American public over weapons of mass
destruction, and this is not going to help its credibility.
People will say, 'Is he really telling us the truth, is he
really telling the president the truth?' "
But at least Rep. Goss is tough. The Times also reports:
"Democrats who serve on Mr. Goss's committee charge that
he has ignored legislation they submitted four months ago
to reform the intelligence community along the lines that
the Sept. 11 commission recommended."
The Humor Gazette has learned that Mr. Goss's secret code
name might be "T-Bone," in order to confuse a terrorist
who might think he'd be named after a Porterhouse steak.
Other possible code names for Goss, himself a former spy:
"Gator," "Hoover," "Stovepipe"
and "Albatross," the last a satiric reference to
his potential to be a liability at a time of alleged politicization
of intelligence, from the threat of WMDs in Iraq to politically
convenient terror alerts.
Ridge terror alert smells fishy
to harsh criticism from the New
York Times that his Crayola-based terror alert system
is more useful to late-night comedians than the American public,
Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge today announced that
he is switching to a fish-based system.
Henceforth, instead of standing in front of a color-coded
chart while simultaneously warning Americans to be very afraid
and reassuring them about "the president's leadership
in the war against terror," Ridge will simply spread
his hands apart - close together if the terror threat is minimal,
and very far apart if an attack seems imminent.
On occasion, he may use an actual fish. Perhaps one swordfish
if the terrorists are coming by land, two North Atlantic salmon
if by sea. Three flying fish if the bastards are coming by
plane again. And a standard 12-inch parrotfish when bursting
onto the scene at politically convenient moments to hail the
captain's firm hand at the helm.
at risk of attack by giant pterodactyl