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 Lil'
evil-doer
DAY ONE of the Republican National Convention got
off to a strange start when President Bush grabbed a baby
and hoisted it over his head in traditional campaign style.
The adorable photo-op turned ugly, however, when the tyke
mocked the president by saying "Abu Ghraib," flawlessly,
then stinging the horrified commander-in-chief with a stream
of pee.
A Bush spokesman said a preliminary investigation revealed
the baby may have ties to John Kerry and likely breached security
by crawling under one of the loyalty oath/polygraph checkpoints
stationed at every entrance.
An official with the Kerry campaign denied responsibility,
then joked, "Looks like the terror alert has been lowered
to yellow."
Geraldo Rivera claims the baby is connected with a group
calling itself Lil' Tugboat Tooters for Twoof. But according
to al Jazeera, the incident is more likely an act of infanto-terrorism
perpetrated by an agent of the youthful al Qaeda fringe group,
al Cradle.
There are conflicting reports on the identity and whereabouts
of the baby, which was flung into the crowd by President Bush
then shackled and sent to Guantanamo Bay for interrogation.
In other convention news: Defense Secretary Rumsfeld has
asked for a legal ruling on whether hostile infants are subject
to the Geneva Conventions.
 
Gazette endorses Bush
Now more than ever, as we wage the war against terror in
Washington and Iraq, America needs a brash, uncompromising
president who is not afraid to take action in the face of
questionable intelligence -- a man capable of making profound,
far-reaching decisions undistracted by knowledge, logic and
reason.
Winning the White House's war in Iraq will require a
cocky, shoot-from-the-lip leader
who doesn't give a Texas damn what other nations think of
us -- an aggressive, unapologetic war president determined
to ignore and discredit nagging voices of dissent during these
difficult times.
Now more than ever America needs George W. Bush, shrewd son
of a rich Republican dynasty who understands it is more imperative
to talk about moral values than to actually embody them --
a folksy,
faux gun-slinger skilled in shrugging off seemingly
damaging developments with a soundbite and a smirk.
When the Good Lord informed President Bush that Saddam Hussein
must go, he did not waver or fret about international opposition.
He wisely heeded God's
instructions, smoked the WMD-packing madman into a
hole and took him out.
The world is surely a safer place now that the al Qaeda-loving
dictator is no longer in power. Who could deny that we become
more secure with each terrorist who is killed or stacked up
naked in a pile?
Indeed, we know we are safer because -- though the wrath
of Allah may rain down upon us at any moment -- President
Bush keeps repeating that he is making us safer.
Quibbling over past statements about weapons of mass destruction
and links between Iraq and al Qaeda does not do America any
good now. This anti-Bush rhetoric is the stuff of simpering
Saddam sympathizers who think they can have their uranium
yellow cake and eat it too.
Sometimes we are moved to ask: What part of "you're
with us or you're with the terrorists" don't these people
understand?
Also hurting the cause are those who would question why 1,000
young Americans must make the ultimate sacrifice to take over
a country where no weapons have yet been found. To this we
say, simply: Freedom-hating thug. Hated America. Madman. World
a safer place.
 Critics
may seize upon some of the
president's words to paint him as a thick-headed,
born-again slacker who is intellectually and morally unfit
for his job as leader of the free world. Some
even mock his alternative pronunciation of the explosively
symbolic word "nuclear."
But when the president said recently, "Our enemies are
innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop
thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people,
and neither do we," he meant to trumpet his vigilance
against evildoers, not re-ignite charges that his administration's
actions have put us at greater risk. We must understand that
this is a man so composed in the face of an unspeakable tragedy
that he continued to read "My
Pet Goat" to schoolchildren upon learning of
the Sept. 11 attacks.
Yes, do not misunderestimate George W. Bush. Family jewels
and fancy schools do not guarantee a facility with fancy words
like "malfeasance" and "subliminible."
So what if he has five ways to say "Abu
Ghraib" or seems to have forgotten about bin
Laden?
The important thing is he believes he has the ability to
communicate with the Lord, and thus will not be constrained
by the separation of church and state as he protects the God-given
right of each fetus to own a gun.
We must not let some decorated military "hero"
cut short the divine mission of a man who whose own stealthy
service during the Vietnam War helped keep the homefront safe
for debauchery.
See, the president has told us in no uncertain terms that
his bleeding Purple Heart liberal opponent plans to raise
taxes by $8 trillion, decimate the U.S. military and stamp
out family values.
Yes, America should be wary of John Kerry. What kind of flip-flopper
fights bravely for his country then turns around and talks
about the horrors of war?
President Bush not only supported the war in Vietnam, he
completed his Air National Guard service so masterfully that
there are no eye-witness accounts of it to be found, and certainly
no embarrassing politically motivated Bronze Star incidents.
Now, as commander-in-chief, he battles enemies old and new
while protecting our way of life from threats posed by stem-cell
research, gun control and the ultimate menace to our society,
gay marriage.
And so, as the most important election of our time draws
near, do not be fooled by partisan Democratic claims or valid
independent research that President Bush has harmed the economy
with his tax cuts for the rich, damaged our nation's stature
in the eyes of the world and needlessly sacrificed thousands
of American and Iraqi lives.
As the president might say, now is not the time to not stay
the course. Make no mistake, that would be a victory for the
terrorists as they keep trying to weaken our resolve.
So if you want a president who would never exercise sensitivity
in bludgeoning Iraq into democracy, a president who understands
that a rising death toll means lower unemployment, a president
whose men will do whatever it takes to get him back into the
White House, vote for George W. Bush on November 2.
John Breneman
Editor, Humor Gazette
Bush front group smears Humor Gazette
The Humor Gazette, preparing its blockbuster coverage of
the Republican National Convention, has already run into a
little trouble.
A group calling itself Lying
Sacks of Elephant Dung for Bush has apparently launched
a smear campaign against the Gazette, claiming the publication
did not deserve its three Purple Funnybone awards for wartime
satire.
The Bush attack dogs, a drooling pack of failed Republican
comics, even called into question a prestigious Bronze
Groucho awarded to Gazette editor John Breneman by
the New England Press Association in 2001.
Sen. Bob Dole called the Gazette's humor "superficial"
and suggested it be banned from covering the Republican Convention
unless it signed a loyalty oath to President Bush.
Gazette publisher Arturo DiMaunchie responded quickly, calling
President Bush "a major league jackass" and "perhaps
the slimiest president of all-time," while pledging that
the paper's "fair and balanced" convention coverage
would not be affected by the president's "moral
cowardice" nor his lame, possibly illegal, attempt
to claim
credit for the Iraqi soccer team's Olympic glory.
White House
smears Humor Gazette:
March 31 report documents pattern of harrassment
FCC fines NBC for Olympic coverage
 By
John Breneman
The FCC has imposed a hefty fine on NBC for repeatedly broadcasting
the word "snatch" during coverage of Olympic weightlifting
competition. Federal censors added that many viewers might
also be offended by the imagery evoked by the words "clean
and jerk."
FCC Chairman Michael Powell explained that the term "snatch"
is also used as slang for the female genitalia and "jerk"
is a word occasionally used to describe auto-erotic activity,
or masturbation in layman's terms.
The weightlifting competition also features "more grunting
that you hear in most porn movies," said Powell, adding
of the Olympic Games in general, "What do you expect
from an event that used to be held in the nude."
Ukrainian weightlifter Vladimir Yankov admitted to moaning
and groaning throughout the competition, but said it is almost
impossible to compete at the Olympic level without emitting
the loud grunt that traditionally signals the successful climax
of the snatch.
 Powell's
crackdown may also target wrestling, which he said "appears
to be nothing more than two men rolling around on the floor,
grabbing each other to find out who'll be the dominant one
and who will submit."
The FCC chief warned male swimmers and divers to avoid wearing
tiny Speedo trunks and said women's beach volleyball is "one
wardrobe malfunction away from a big fine."
Powell, who may force NBC to blur the groin area of competitors
in the 100-meter race, said he cringes every time an announcer
speak of a gymnast "nailing her dismount" and is
still deciding whether commentators may say "pole vault"
on the air.
Ridge terror alert smells fishy
 Responding
to harsh criticism from the New
York Times that his Crayola-based terror alert system
is more useful to late-night comedians than the American public,
Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge today announced that
he is switching to a fish-based system.
Henceforth, instead of standing in front of a color-coded
chart while simultaneously warning Americans to be very afraid
and reassuring them about "the president's leadership
in the war against terror," Ridge will simply spread
his hands apart - close together if the terror threat is minimal,
and very far apart if an attack seems imminent.
On occasion, he may use an actual fish. Perhaps one swordfish
if the terrorists are coming by land, two North Atlantic salmon
if by sea. Three flying fish if the bastards are coming by
plane again. And a standard 12-inch parrotfish when bursting
onto the scene at politically convenient moments to hail the
captain's firm hand at the helm.
Related story:
U.S.
at risk of attack by giant pterodactyl
Nostradamus issues terror warning
 By
John Breneman
Citing new intelligence received from Nostradamus, Tom Ridge
today warned all Americans to "hold onto their hats."
Ridge, director of the U.S. Department of Terror, said agents
have discovered a new document in which the mysterious 16th-century
prophet speaks of a "grave and gathering danger"
posed by an unidentified "beast from the Middle East."
The fact that the new terror alert comes on the heels of
the John Kerry's rousing speech at the Democratic National
Convention is just a coincidence, said Ridge, who nevertheless
warned that registered Democrats may be at heightened risk.
"The terrorists hate the word 'democracy' so much they
are hoping to kill as many Democrats as possible," said
Ridge, who urged all Dems to re-register as Republicans and
vote for President Bush "just to be safe."
Ridge, who has been criticized for issuing vague terror alerts
timed to counter any Democratic momentum in the presidential
race, said the Nostradamus prophecy was fairly specific. It
read, in part:
"Some asshole named Mohammed, or maybe Abdul, will
try to blow something up. But instead of a metal bird crashing
down from the sky, look for a brownish 1989 Toyota SR5 pickup
truck loaded with ammonium nitrate."
As further evidence that a terrorist strike may be imminent,
Ridge said President Bush mentioned that in his most recent
conversation with God, the Supreme Being seemed a little edgy
but would not say why.
The fact that a faceless enemy may wipe us off the map at
any moment does not conflict with President Bush's claim that
he has made America safer, according to Ridge, who confided
that Nostradamus also praised Bush for "the president's
leadership in the war against terror."
Responding to skeptics, Ridge pointed out that Nostradamus
correctly foretold the breakup of Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck,
and rise of so-called "reality programming," which
he called simply "mindless drivel." The terror czar
hinted there might be some additional Nostradamus "chatter"
containing dirt on John Kerry, but did not elaborate.
Critics counter that the visionary Frenchman failed to predict
that President Bush would choke on a pretzel, fall off his
bike (twice) and respond to the darkest hour of his administration
by continuing to read "My Pet Goat" to a group of
schoolchildren.
Hussein attorneys claim he's insane
 By
John Breneman
Legal analysts say Saddam Hussein plans to fight charges
of war crimes and genocide by pleading temporary insanity.
"I am Saddam Hussein, president of Iraq," said
the disgraced ex-dictator, adding, "Saddam I am. I do
not like green eggs and ham."
Hussein told an Iraqi judge that he is also a CIA hitman,
a Mesopotamian deity and a porn star known by the stage name
Dick Tater. The desperate Hussein also claimed he partied
with Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld back in 1983-84.
Noted legal superstar Johnnie Cochran told Don Imus that
he told Oprah that Hussein's insanity defense is bolstered
by the fact that President Bush has called him a "madman"
approximately 12,465 times since Sept. 1, 2001.
But White House spokesman Scott McClellan responded that
Bush used the term "rhetorically," much like the
words "grave and gathering threat," "weapons
of mass destruction" and "links to al Qaeda."
McClellan reminded reporters that God had specifically instructed
President Bush to take over Iraq and fulfill his destiny as
a war president, even if it meant getting thousands of people
killed.
Hussein defense attorney F. Lee Chalabi said his client has
been a "nutjob" since 1988 when he accidentally
inhaled some mustard gas while wiping out some infidels. His
legal team estimates the American media has referred to Hussein
as the "wacky Iraqi" an estimated 2.4 million times.
"This
is all theater. The real criminal is Bush," a
defiant Hussein told the judge while swatting away imaginary
fruit flies and humming "U Can't Touch This" by
M.C. Hammer.
"Hussein. Rhymes with 'insane'. Can you dig it?"
concluded the wacky Iraqi madman.
Bush butchered those pesky words "Abu Guh-reff"
abu-again yesterday, this time in a press conference with
the prime minister of Hungary. The transcript doesn't reflect
it but Daily Show anchor Jon Stewart made hay with the embarassing
video clip, which can be seen here.
Repeat after me: "Ah-Boo
... Guh-Reb." Or something like that.
Clinton penned memoir with company ink
By John Breneman
Bill Clinton writes that his dream of becoming president
began during a fortuitous 1963 visit with John F. Kennedy,
who told him the job was "great for nailing chicks."
As his biography, "My Life" hits bookstores today,
Clinton said he failed to launch a more aggressive effort
to capture Osama bin Laden in part because intelligence reports
indicated the terrorist kingpin had virtually no access to
"high-quality Arabian tail."
The book (subtitled "Wham Bam Thank You Ma'am")
has already hit #1 on the Humor Gazette bestseller list. It
is also #1 at Amazon.com despite protests that publisher Alfred
A. Knopf raped an Amazon rainforest to print the hefty 957-page
wad of Bill.
The New
York Times called the work "skanky,
auto-erotic and libido-crushingly dull," lamenting
that the memoir contains no mention of Clinton's alleged Lincoln
Bedroom gangbangs or his racy "Interns Gone Wild"
videos.
I did not bang that pudgy,
beret-wearing, DNA-stained-dress-saving ho, Miss Lewinsky.
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Though the book is jam-packed with what top reviewers call
"boring stuff," its pages are not completely unstained
by seminal passages penned from the Great Fornicator's indelible
dip into "company ink." Clinton does not defend
his handling of the Lewinsky Missile Crisis.
Clinton characterized his antics with the White House intern
as "morally indefensible," but "grammatically,
linguistically and legally defensible." He claimed he
"did
not have relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky"
simply "because he could," and also because a devilish
3-inch-high JFK kept popping up on his shoulder quoting the
Marilyn Monroe Doctrine to egg him on.
Clinton confesses that when he told Hillary about the non-affair
she clubbed
him with a Teflon frying pan. He also makes fresh
accusations that special prosecutor Kenneth Starr screwed
him on a Whitewater rafting expedition.
But perhaps most telling of all, the former president confides
that when making key decisions he always listens more closely
to his left nut than his more conservative right.
Related reading:
Maureen Dowd -- Because
they could
Journalism.org -- The
Cigar
Whitehouse.org - Miss
Enron
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