Republicans a Low Blow
In what leading Democrats are calling more Republican dirty
tricks, two of the GOPs most admired party members were
featured speakers at Monday night's opening of the Republican
Senator John McCain of Arizona, and former mayor of New
York City, Rudy Guliani both gave impassioned, positive, relatively
attack-free speeches, making opening night of the convention
an oasis of intelligent political discourse in a desert of
Its utter trickery, said Ted Kennedy.
Those bastards (pronounced bah-stahds) know exactly
what theyre doing, believe me. There are two remaining
adults in the Republican party, and they both bat in the same
inning? Dont piss on my head and tell me its raining.
If not for the hyper-military video montage at the outset
of the evening, there was indeed little for the Democrats
to denigrate, though Guliani in the end was was a bit prickish.
I only wish they had put some of the Republicans the
Republicans actually listen to up there, said Henry
Waxman, tobacco battler and really weird but still likable
Democrat. Had Wolfowitz or Perle spoken, it would have
more realistically represented the aspirations of the administration.
They went with McCain and Guliani, and even though Bush listens
to McCain about as well as Charlie Brown listens to his teacher,
McCain spoke really well. I have to admit that. Guliani was
pretty much an asshole though.
Al Sharpton was likewise critical of Gulianis speech.
Guliani more showed the side of him that encouraged
the rounding up and dumping off of panhandlers within the
view of people with sufficient expendible cash to actually
patronize them. This left panhandlers to ply their craft only
to other panhandlers. How screwed up is that? Ive never
liked that guy.
Turn-your-stomach Republicans like Cheney, Rumsfeld, Ashcroft,
DeLay, and Army were noticeably absent from this opening night,
defining a notable Chickenhawk duck to the uber-patriotic
proceedings. Guliani capped off the proceedings with a tribute
to the administration that hosted his citys darkest
After Gulianis speech, a videotape of Frank Sinatra
singing New York, New York was played on the Sony
Jumbotron. Sammy Davis Jr. also having been dead, was not
invited to deliver the number. Harry Connick Jr. was uninvited,
but more due to commercial sales issues than talent.
We were attacked on September 11, said Senate
Majority Leader Tom Daschle. Lets change the circumstances
that led to it. McCain and Guliani are great, McCain moreso
than Guliani, but lets not kid ourselves. This is a
top down problem. Bush has to go if we are ever going to defeat
The Republican party will probably enjoy a bounce from opening
night, but its heaviest hitters are also its greatest liabilities.
With a couple of misunderestimations, Bush could sink the
whole thing. Rest assured, hes practicing like the Hamm
twins in June, but hes always ripe for a mandatory deduction.
Stay tuned. The Republicans have insidiously introduced themselves
with a soft sell. McCain and Guliani are as human a component
as this convention is has to offer. From here on in, its
Terminator IV, and Schwarzenegger is only the supporting cast.
Chris Elliott can be reached at CDElliott009@aol.com
The Democratic National Convention is behind us, and the
case has been stated for change. There have been niceties
and tributes, and there has been rancor and vitriol. Surely
though, the event's highlight was John Kerry's acceptance
speech. Kerry touched upon on all relevant points that will
determine the election's outcome, and he did so with all of
the grace that could have been expected. One particularly
high point for me was his pronunciation of the word "nuclear."
The "c" was pronounced immediately before the "l"
and there was no insertion between the two letters of an arbitrary
letter "y." To appropriate a well-worn phrase, John
Kerry hit the pronunciation of the word "nuclear"
out of the park.
It was awesome. For the first time since Al Gore's campaign
four years ago, I was observing a man in the pursuit of our
highest office who could pronounce a word that most of us
grew up with. The nuclear genie came out of the bottle on
August 6, 1945, and as anyone who heard Edward R. Murrow's
report of the bombing raids over Hiroshima will tell you,
he clearly pronounced the word according Merriam-Webster's
Following in the Murrow tradition, Walter Cronkite, David
Brinkley and other people who ought to know, continued to
pronounce the word nuclear with all of the letters in the
correct order for the remainder of the century. The three
current keepers of the network news broadcast flame, Rather,
Brokaw, and Jennings, have likewise all seen fit not to improve
on how the word is pronounced. Alongside a dizzying battery
of other malapropisms, spoonerisms, and other mispronunciations,
however, President George W. Bush has lent his painful erudition
to the single word that may yet define humanity's viability.
Kerry hit the pronunciation of the word "nuclear"
out of the park.
For me, the word's ongoing misuse is amusing only once a
year, during the State of the Union speech. In each of the
last four years, I have gathered with friends around a television
set to play "Nookyuler," a drinking game in which
each time the president says the word "nookyuler,"
everybody does a shot. Hopefully, I've played "Nookyuler"
for the last time, as the expense of cab fare is a given on
the evening of the State of the Union address, and of course
because the environment, the economy, and the safety of our
troops can't take another four years of Bush's variously manifest
There is no way that at least one of George W. Bush's team
of handlers hasn't articulated to him that he is pronouncing
the word "nuclear" incorrectly. To quote David Letterman
in talking to Ari Fleischer about this very subject, "after
all, it's spelled nuclear."
I picture Karl Rove taking Bush aside one day and saying,
"'Dubya, you know I love ya, but you're pronouncing the
word "nuclear" all wrong. It's not nookyuler. It's
nuclear. Noo-klee-er. See?"
"I'm not going to learn how to say that at this point!
I've been saying nookyuler my whole life. My Dad says nookyuler."
"No he doesn't. Neither does Rumsfeld. The way you pronounce
it is wrong."
"I don't care whether it's wrong or not. I'm going to
say nookyuler. I do things my own way, and if people don't
like it, well, what is it Dick Cheney says? Oh yeah, they
can all go f*** themselves! I'm George W. Bush, and it's my
way or the Interstate!"
Nuclear is a grave word, with grave implications, and George
W. Bush's intransigence in refusing to learn its proper pronunciation
is willfully ignorant. It reflects his towering anti-intellectualism,
and his boorish and bullying nature. George W. Bush has extended
his belligerence with regard to the rest of the world to the
English language itself.
It quite honestly made me warm all over when I heard John
Kerry pronounce the word "nuclear" during his acceptance
speech. It was as though a yoke had been lifted from my neck,
the mere possibility that soon I may no longer have to admit
to a world and to myself that my leader is a simpleton.
I no longer want to be ashamed or embarrassed for my president
when he speaks. Some may suggest that if all I want out of
my president is a good talking head, then I am a shallow and
easily duped citizen, but that's not it at all. Eloquence
is not all I wish for in a leader, but the basics of elocution
are indeed among the minimum requirements for my vote.
Margery Eagan of the Boston Herald likens a citizen watching
George W. Bush at a speaking engagement to a parent watching
a child at a solo recital, hoping and praying that the child
gets through the performance without becoming embarrassed
in public. The empathetic parent wants to swoop in and save
the day, but cannot, and so must sit on the sidelines hoping
not so much that their child will excel, but rather that at
the least, he or she won't do poorly. Time and time again
though, that child singing Ave Maria is my president saying
"nookyuler," or "misunderestimated." I'm
sick of it, and I want it to stop.
What's in a word? Perhaps not everything, but at least from
my perspective, a great deal resides in each word we choose.
In the mouths of world leaders, a single word can imply relative
intelligence, relative respect for educational conventions,
and whether or not personal dignity on the world stage is
even regarded as important. The Bush assault on language is
far less criminal than the Bush assault on the community of
nations. Still I hope for a rational administration and at
least four years without consistent executive misspeak.
After all, mispronouncing a lie doesn't make it true.
Chris Elliott can be reached at CDElliott009@aol.com
Bush intelligence decision lacks
In nominating Rep. Porter J. Goss of Florida to head up the
C.I.A., President Bush wisely went for a loyal Republican
who has already attacked the intelligence record of the man
who is trying to take his new boss's job.
Intelligence experts say the intelligence post nomination
is generating a stream of intelligence (or "chatter")
suggesting that partisan attacks are likely. It also led to
the following exchange at the Tuesday morning Rose Garden
HUMOR GAZETTE: Mr. President why did you select a
man who, according to the New
York Times, denounced John Kerry's intelligence record
on the House floor in June and whose own work providing oversight
of the C.I.A. as chairman of the House Intelligence Committee
was deemed ineffective by the commission investigating the
PRESIDENT BUSH: "If I told you that, I'd have
to kill you. Heh, heh."
"Just kidding," said Bush, whose trademark smirk
then turned into a grimace when he was asked how his plan
for a national director of intelligence who would assume some
of the C.I.A. chief's traditional duties would affect Goss's
"Beats me," said the president.
This just in from the New York Times: "The office of
director of intelligence has got to be kept out of politics,"
said Stansfield Turner, director of central intelligence under
President Jimmy Carter. "It's already lost a lot of its
credibility with the American public over weapons of mass
destruction, and this is not going to help its credibility.
People will say, 'Is he really telling us the truth, is he
really telling the president the truth?' "
But at least Rep. Goss is tough. The Times also reports:
"Democrats who serve on Mr. Goss's committee charge that
he has ignored legislation they submitted four months ago
to reform the intelligence community along the lines that
the Sept. 11 commission recommended."
The Humor Gazette has learned that Mr. Goss's secret code
name might be "T-Bone," in order to confuse a terrorist
who might think he'd be named after a Porterhouse steak.
Other possible code names for Goss, himself a former spy:
"Gator," "Hoover," "Stovepipe"
and "Albatross," the last a satiric reference to
his potential to be a liability at a time of alleged politicization
of intelligence, from the threat of WMDs in Iraq to politically
convenient terror alerts.
Ridge terror alert smells fishy
to harsh criticism from the New
York Times that his Crayola-based terror alert system
is more useful to late-night comedians than the American public,
Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge today announced that
he is switching to a fish-based system.
Henceforth, instead of standing in front of a color-coded
chart while simultaneously warning Americans to be very afraid
and reassuring them about "the president's leadership
in the war against terror," Ridge will simply spread
his hands apart - close together if the terror threat is minimal,
and very far apart if an attack seems imminent.
On occasion, he may use an actual fish. Perhaps one swordfish
if the terrorists are coming by land, two North Atlantic salmon
if by sea. Three flying fish if the bastards are coming by
plane again. And a standard 12-inch parrotfish when bursting
onto the scene at politically convenient moments to hail the
captain's firm hand at the helm.
at risk of attack by giant pterodactyl
Nostradamus issues terror warning
Citing new intelligence received from Nostradamus, Tom Ridge
today warned all Americans to "hold onto their hats."
Ridge, director of the U.S. Department of Terror, said agents
have discovered a new document in which the mysterious 16th-century
prophet speaks of a "grave and gathering danger"
posed by an unidentified "beast from the Middle East."
The fact that the new terror alert comes on the heels of
the John Kerry's rousing speech at the Democratic National
Convention is just a coincidence, said Ridge, who nevertheless
warned that registered Democrats may be at heightened risk.
"The terrorists hate the word 'democracy' so much they
are hoping to kill as many Democrats as possible," said
Ridge, who urged all Dems to re-register as Republicans and
vote for President Bush "just to be safe."
Ridge, who has been criticized for issuing vague terror alerts
timed to counter any Democratic momentum in the presidential
race, said the Nostradamus prophecy was fairly specific. It
read, in part:
"Some asshole named Mohammed, or maybe Abdul, will
try to blow something up. But instead of a metal bird crashing
down from the sky, look for a brownish 1989 Toyota SR5 pickup
truck loaded with ammonium nitrate."
As further evidence that a terrorist strike may be imminent,
Ridge said President Bush mentioned that in his most recent
conversation with God, the Supreme Being seemed a little edgy
but would not say why.
The fact that a faceless enemy may wipe us off the map at
any moment does not conflict with President Bush's claim that
he has made America safer, according to Ridge, who confided
that Nostradamus also praised Bush for "the president's
leadership in the war against terror."
Responding to skeptics, Ridge pointed out that Nostradamus
correctly foretold the breakup of Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck,
and rise of so-called "reality programming," which
he called simply "mindless drivel." The terror czar
hinted there might be some additional Nostradamus "chatter"
containing dirt on John Kerry, but did not elaborate.
Critics counter that the visionary Frenchman failed to predict
that President Bush would choke on a pretzel, fall off his
bike (twice) and respond to the darkest hour of his administration
by continuing to read "My Pet Goat" to a group of
Gazette endorses Kerry
Though primarily a humor publication, the Humor Gazette is
run by actual journalists who reserve the right to be serious
about important issues facing America and the world. See our
John Kerry promised Thursday night to be a commander in chief
will never mislead us into war." Here is the
text of Kerry's speech accepting the Democratic nomination
for president. Also, some analysis
by David Corn, Washington editor of The Nation magazine
and author of "The Lies of George W. Bush: Mastering
the Politics of Deception."
discovers evidence of Iraq WMDs
Humor Gazette investigative reporter Chris
Elliott has discovered shocking evidence that Saddam
Hussein possessed weapons of mass destruction.
The smoking gun? A slick Madison Avenue-quality advertisement
for a hideous biological weapon called "Kurd
Be Gone," described as "the latest in tribe
control products from Hussein Laboratories."
The ad boasts that Hussein's genocide product is "a
triple cocktail of hanta virus, bubonic plague and strychnine
delivered in a fine airborne mist." Elliott found the
advertisement in a dumpster in the dangerous Thump
City district of Baghdad.
A White House spokesman said there can be little doubt the
ad is authentic because it so clearly supports the administration's
claim that Hussein actually had weapons. President Bush responded,
"See? Told you he had WMDs. Nah nah, nah nah nah."
Saddam pens anti-Bush poetry
-- Saddam Hussein is passing his time in solitary confinement
by reading the Koran, writing poetry, gardening and snacking
on American-style cookies and muffins
Humor Gazette has obtained several of Hussein's poems from
a source close to the guy who smuggles in his favorite Oreos,
Keeblers and Little Debbie Snack Cakes.
The Iraqi human rights minister who visited him in prison
said Hussein, who used to get his cardio workout by butchering
people for 30 minutes each day, has put on 11 pounds and is
thinking of starting the Atkins lo-carb diet. He is also being
treated for an itchy beard and suffers from chronic dictator's
In addition to writing poetry, the Iraqi rhapsodist spends
his days drawing Devil horns on photographs of President Bush
and silk-screening his new line of "High-Value Detainee"
"Ode to George W. Bush"
Bush, you oil-sucking piece of devil dung
You took my country and whacked my sons and
yanked me from a rathole
but you are messing with the wrong "cowpoke" my
mentally challenged friend
You swore I had nuclear yellow cake mustard
and linked me with that Osama douchebag
so when my freedom tunnel is finished
I'm gonna get Mesopotamian on your ass
You killed your own people to take me out
and now you're stuck with my stink forever
Plus, you and your God can shove it cause
Allah says you suck
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Dubya got boned
in the butt by Abu
Bubble bubble oil and trouble
Bush is dumber than Barney Rubble
The madman has even tried haiku
Mother of all warmongers
"Read My Lips"
Daddy Bush missed me
Georgie Junior bagged Baghdad