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Election 2004







Bush urged to kick $177M-a-day war habit

By John Breneman

President Bush's colorful past as a coke-snorting, beer-guzzling party animal should not hurt his re-election bid, political analysts say, because he already addressed the issue a few years when he kicked the bottle and made God his new best pal.

But now muckraking biographer Kitty Kelley writes in "The Family: The Real Story of the Bush Dynasty" that young George W. put narcotics up his nose at Camp David while his pop was president. The allegation is made by Sharon Bush, ex-wife of his brother Neil, the one who got mixed up all those Chinese hookers.

Kelley writes that Bush learned how to use cocaine at Yale during a three-day Ecstasy and speedball bender. Once he graduated and blew all the dough his dad's friends gave him to look for oil, Bush allegedly turned to cocaine to pep him up some and got so excited he had to be talked out of investing in a "can't miss" deal down in Colombia.

In a related development, critics have intensified their call for President Bush to kick his $177-million-a-day war habit.

Vice President Dick Cheney dismissed the controversial book as "fucking garbage" and directed the White House character assassination machine to hammer Kelley, whom he referred to as a "skanky libel-spewing bitch."

Critics charge that Bush is guilty of first-degree hypocrisy, pointing out that as governor of Texas, George W. Bush supported and signed legislation increasing penalties for drug possession in that state (The Progress Report). In one instance, then-Gov. Bush signed legislation mandating jail time for people caught with less than a single gram of cocaine.

But judging by how easy it was for the Bush machine to napalm Kerry's wartime heroism with its relentless purple heart attack, despite the president's own pathetic military record, the White House is not worried.

Gazette endorses Bush

Now more than ever, as we wage the war against terror in Washington and Iraq, America needs a brash, uncompromising president who is not afraid to take action in the face of questionable intelligence -- a man capable of making profound, far-reaching decisions undistracted by knowledge, logic and reason.

Winning the White House's war in Iraq will require a cocky, shoot-from-the-lip leader who doesn't give a Texas damn what other nations think of us -- an aggressive, unapologetic war president determined to ignore and discredit nagging voices of dissent during these difficult times.

Now more than ever America needs George W. Bush, shrewd son of a rich Republican dynasty who understands it is more imperative to talk about moral values than to actually embody them -- a folksy, faux gun-slinger skilled in shrugging off seemingly damaging developments with a soundbite and a smirk.

When the Good Lord informed President Bush that Saddam Hussein must go, he did not waver or fret about international opposition. He wisely heeded God's instructions, smoked the WMD-packing madman into a hole and took him out.

The world is surely a safer place now that the al Qaeda-loving dictator is no longer in power. Who could deny that we become more secure with each terrorist who is killed or stacked up naked in a pile?

Indeed, we know we are safer because -- though the wrath of Allah may rain down upon us at any moment -- President Bush keeps repeating that he is making us safer.

Quibbling over past statements about weapons of mass destruction and links between Iraq and al Qaeda does not do America any good now. This anti-Bush rhetoric is the stuff of simpering Saddam sympathizers who think they can have their uranium yellow cake and eat it too.

Sometimes we are moved to ask: What part of "you're with us or you're with the terrorists" don't these people understand?

Also hurting the cause are those who would question why 1,000 young Americans must make the ultimate sacrifice to take over a country where no weapons have yet been found. To this we say, simply: Freedom-hating thug. Hated America. Madman. World a safer place.

Critics may seize upon some of the president's words to paint him as a thick-headed, born-again slacker who is intellectually and morally unfit for his job as leader of the free world. Some even mock his alternative pronunciation of the explosively symbolic word "nuclear."

But when the president said recently, "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we," he meant to trumpet his vigilance against evildoers, not re-ignite charges that his administration's actions have put us at greater risk. We must understand that this is a man so composed in the face of an unspeakable tragedy that he continued to read "My Pet Goat" to schoolchildren upon learning of the Sept. 11 attacks.

Yes, do not misunderestimate George W. Bush. Family jewels and fancy schools do not guarantee a facility with fancy words like "malfeasance" and "subliminible." So what if he has five ways to say "Abu Ghraib" or seems to have forgotten about bin Laden?

The important thing is he believes he has the ability to communicate with the Lord, and thus will not be constrained by the separation of church and state as he protects the God-given right of each fetus to own a gun.

We must not let some decorated military "hero" cut short the divine mission of a man who whose own stealthy service during the Vietnam War helped keep the homefront safe for debauchery.

See, the president has told us in no uncertain terms that his bleeding Purple Heart liberal opponent plans to raise taxes by $8 trillion, decimate the U.S. military and stamp out family values.

Yes, America should be wary of John Kerry. What kind of flip-flopper fights bravely for his country then turns around and talks about the horrors of war?

President Bush not only supported the war in Vietnam, he completed his Air National Guard service so masterfully that there are no eye-witness accounts of it to be found, and certainly no embarrassing politically motivated Bronze Star incidents.

Now, as commander-in-chief, he battles enemies old and new while protecting our way of life from threats posed by stem-cell research, gun control and the ultimate menace to our society, gay marriage.

And so, as the most important election of our time draws near, do not be fooled by partisan Democratic claims or valid independent research that President Bush has harmed the economy with his tax cuts for the rich, damaged our nation's stature in the eyes of the world and needlessly sacrificed thousands of American and Iraqi lives.

As the president might say, now is not the time to not stay the course. Make no mistake, that would be a victory for the terrorists as they keep trying to weaken our resolve.

So if you want a president who would never exercise sensitivity in bludgeoning Iraq into democracy, a president who understands that a rising death toll means lower unemployment, a president whose men will do whatever it takes to get him back into the White House, vote for George W. Bush on November 2.

John Breneman
Editor, Humor Gazette

Satire newspaper flip-flops, already endorsed John Kerry

(Free delivery of fresh satire every M/W/F, no Spam, strict privacy policy)

Bush front group smears Humor Gazette

The Humor Gazette, preparing its blockbuster coverage of the Republican National Convention, has already run into a little trouble.

A group calling itself Lying Sacks of Elephant Dung for Bush has apparently launched a smear campaign against the Gazette, claiming the publication did not deserve its three Purple Funnybone awards for wartime satire.

The Bush attack dogs, a drooling pack of failed Republican comics, even called into question a prestigious Bronze Groucho awarded to Gazette editor John Breneman by the New England Press Association in 2001.

Sen. Bob Dole called the Gazette's humor "superficial" and suggested it be banned from covering the Republican Convention unless it signed a loyalty oath to President Bush.

Gazette publisher Arturo DiMaunchie responded quickly, calling President Bush "a major league jackass" and "perhaps the slimiest president of all-time," while pledging that the paper's "fair and balanced" convention coverage would not be affected by the president's "moral cowardice" nor his lame, possibly illegal, attempt to claim credit for the Iraqi soccer team's Olympic glory.

White House smears Humor Gazette:
March 31 report documents pattern of harrassment

No cease-fire in U.S. political war

By John Breneman

Hostilities between warring factions intensified today with a harsh new attack by a group called Swift Boat Veterans Who Want to Gouge Kerry's Eyes Out.

Sen. John Kerry, leader of the insurgent rebels seeking to oust President Bush from office, responded by accusing presidential henchmen of war crimes against his military record.

Sen. John McCain called for a cease-fire, but most TV pundits agreed that it's probably too late for that and that any talk of the economy or the war on terror must take a back seat to sensational round-the-clock analysis of the distastefully sexy political battle.

Meanwhile, polls show a slight increase in America's confusion over how a guy with the president's shameful record of military non-service could get away with attacking a guy who not only volunteered to fight in Vietnam, but also took shrapnel and saved a guy's life.

To combat accusations that he is a Communist-loving, America-hating medal faker, the Kerry campaign is denying any connection with a new ad depicting President Bush as a psychopathic moron who will probably destroy the U.S. economy and accidentally cause a nuclear war.

When questioned about a new intelligence report indicating that Osama bin Laden is quite amused by the escalating elephant-donkey war, President Bush responded, "Osama who?"

FCC fines NBC for Olympic coverage

By John Breneman

The FCC has imposed a hefty fine on NBC for repeatedly broadcasting the word "snatch" during coverage of Olympic weightlifting competition. Federal censors added that many viewers might also be offended by the imagery evoked by the words "clean and jerk."

FCC Chairman Michael Powell explained that the term "snatch" is also used as slang for the female genitalia and "jerk" is a word occasionally used to describe auto-erotic activity, or masturbation in layman's terms.

The weightlifting competition also features "more grunting that you hear in most porn movies," said Powell, adding of the Olympic Games in general, "What do you expect from an event that used to be held in the nude."

Ukrainian weightlifter Vladimir Yankov admitted to moaning and groaning throughout the competition, but said it is almost impossible to compete at the Olympic level without emitting the loud grunt that traditionally signals the successful climax of the snatch.

Powell's crackdown may also target wrestling, which he said "appears to be nothing more than two men rolling around on the floor, grabbing each other to find out who'll be the dominant one and who will submit."

The FCC chief warned male swimmers and divers to avoid wearing tiny Speedo trunks and said women's beach volleyball is "one wardrobe malfunction away from a big fine."

Powell, who may force NBC to blur the groin area of competitors in the 100-meter race, said he cringes every time an announcer speak of a gymnast "nailing her dismount" and is still deciding whether commentators may say "pole vault" on the air.

Man plans Iditarod run with team of Corgis

A tenacious Corgi trains for the Iditarod.

By Chris Elliott

Alaska's famous annual sled dog race will have an unusual competitor next year when Emile Robideau races his fleet of 100 Corgis. Robideau is considered an underdog in the event, as Corgis have notoriously short legs and aren't good in the snow.

"They are tenacious little dogs," Robideau said in defense of his application to run the Corgis. "I have no doubt that they have the willpower to prevail in this contest. Anyone who has ever owned a Corgi will tell you that they hate to lose."

Frostbite ended
this Chihuahua's dreams of
Iditarod glory.

Robideau is no stranger to the Iditarod, having run it several times with Malamutes. He dropped out of conventional racing last year because according to Robideau, he "kept getting beaten by a girl." As a response, he resorted to unconventional race methodologies, hopeful that even in the event of a loss, he would be considered in a different category, therefore not really branded as having lost to a girl.

Last year, Robideau attempted to enter the Iditarod with a fleet of 100 Mexican Hairless Chihuahuas, but had to back out when 40 of them came down with frostbite. Robideau was dismissive of the dogs' performance, and vowed to return with a better breed of dog. "Those Chihuahuas just got cold feet. The Corgis have much bigger hearts than the Chihuahuas, and I know they're going to do just fine."

The N-U-C-L-E-A-R litmus test

By Chris Elliott

The Democratic National Convention is behind us, and the case has been stated for change. There have been niceties and tributes, and there has been rancor and vitriol. Surely though, the event's highlight was John Kerry's acceptance speech. Kerry touched upon on all relevant points that will determine the election's outcome, and he did so with all of the grace that could have been expected. One particularly high point for me was his pronunciation of the word "nuclear." The "c" was pronounced immediately before the "l" and there was no insertion between the two letters of an arbitrary letter "y." To appropriate a well-worn phrase, John Kerry hit the pronunciation of the word "nuclear" out of the park.

It was awesome. For the first time since Al Gore's campaign four years ago, I was observing a man in the pursuit of our highest office who could pronounce a word that most of us grew up with.     MORE

Chris Elliott can be reached at

Bush intelligence decision lacks intelligence

By John Breneman

In nominating Rep. Porter J. Goss of Florida to head up the C.I.A., President Bush wisely went for a loyal Republican who has already attacked the intelligence record of the man who is trying to take his new boss's job.

Intelligence experts say the intelligence post nomination is generating a stream of intelligence (or "chatter") suggesting that partisan attacks are likely. It also led to the following exchange at the Tuesday morning Rose Garden press conference:

HUMOR GAZETTE: Mr. President why did you select a man who, according to the New York Times, denounced John Kerry's intelligence record on the House floor in June and whose own work providing oversight of the C.I.A. as chairman of the House Intelligence Committee was deemed ineffective by the commission investigating the 9/11 attacks?

PRESIDENT BUSH: "If I told you that, I'd have to kill you. Heh, heh."

"Just kidding," said Bush, whose trademark smirk then turned into a grimace when he was asked how his plan for a national director of intelligence who would assume some of the C.I.A. chief's traditional duties would affect Goss's role.

"Beats me," said the president.

This just in from the New York Times: "The office of director of intelligence has got to be kept out of politics," said Stansfield Turner, director of central intelligence under President Jimmy Carter. "It's already lost a lot of its credibility with the American public over weapons of mass destruction, and this is not going to help its credibility. People will say, 'Is he really telling us the truth, is he really telling the president the truth?' "

But at least Rep. Goss is tough. The Times also reports: "Democrats who serve on Mr. Goss's committee charge that he has ignored legislation they submitted four months ago to reform the intelligence community along the lines that the Sept. 11 commission recommended."

The Humor Gazette has learned that Mr. Goss's secret code name might be "T-Bone," in order to confuse a terrorist who might think he'd be named after a Porterhouse steak.

Other possible code names for Goss, himself a former spy: "Gator," "Hoover," "Stovepipe" and "Albatross," the last a satiric reference to his potential to be a liability at a time of alleged politicization of intelligence, from the threat of WMDs in Iraq to politically convenient terror alerts.

Ridge terror alert smells fishy

Responding to harsh criticism from the New York Times that his Crayola-based terror alert system is more useful to late-night comedians than the American public, Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge today announced that he is switching to a fish-based system.

Henceforth, instead of standing in front of a color-coded chart while simultaneously warning Americans to be very afraid and reassuring them about "the president's leadership in the war against terror," Ridge will simply spread his hands apart - close together if the terror threat is minimal, and very far apart if an attack seems imminent.

On occasion, he may use an actual fish. Perhaps one swordfish if the terrorists are coming by land, two North Atlantic salmon if by sea. Three flying fish if the bastards are coming by plane again. And a standard 12-inch parrotfish when bursting onto the scene at politically convenient moments to hail the captain's firm hand at the helm.

Related story:
U.S. at risk of attack by giant pterodactyl

Likable Republicans a “Low Blow”

By Chris Elliott

In what leading Democrats are calling more Republican dirty tricks, two of the GOP’s most admired party members were featured speakers at last night’s opening of the Republican National Convention.

Senator John McCain of Ariizona, and former mayor of New York City, Rudy Guliani both gave impassioned, positive, relatively attack-free speeches, making opening night of the convention an oasis of intelligent political discourse in a desert of shrill bickering.

“It’s utter trickery,” said Ted Kennedy. “Those bastards (pronounced bah-stahds) know exactly what they’re doing, believe me. There are two remaining adults in the Republican party, and they both bat in the same inning? Don’t piss on my head and tell me it’s raining.”


Lil' evil-doer

DAY ONE of the Republican National Convention got off to a strange start when President Bush grabbed a baby and hoisted it over his head in traditional campaign style.

The adorable photo-op turned ugly, however, when the tyke mocked the president by saying "Abu Ghraib," flawlessly, then stinging the horrified commander-in-chief with a stream of pee.


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