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May 29, 2006
Cheney slays 12 in 21-gun salute
Cheney slays 12 in 21-gun salute
 By
John Breneman
Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally gunned down a dozen
spectators while performing a Memorial Day 21-gun salute at
an undisclosed location.
Cheney apologized for the holiday mayhem, saying he thought
he saw a quail out of the corner of his eye. A bald eagle
remains in critical condition.
A spokesman said Cheney feels really bad about the incident,
but remains upbeat about sending 2,500 U.S. soldiers to their
deaths in Afghanistan and Iraq.
The vice president, who wisely obtained five deferments to
avoid going to Vietnam as a young man, complained that the
media always ignores all the "good news" on Memorial
Day.
Meanwhile President George W. Bush, who wisely used family
connections to avoid going to Vietnam as a young man, gave
a speech saluting "the fallen" whom he had pushed
into battle.
Posted by John Breneman at 12:11 PM | Permalink
May 24, 2006
Conn. woman fights for one of her cat's lives
A Bridgeport, Conn., woman is pleading with the court to spare her cat the death penalty for terrorizing and attacking neighbors, the Associated Press reported today.
The razor-clawed perpetrator, identified only as Lewis, allegedly laid siege to an unsuspecting Avon lady as she emerged from her vehicle. He is also accused of three counts of biting a different victim, leaving three sets of fang marks and eight deep scratches as Exhibits A through K.
The cat's owner, Ruth Cisero, faces a second-degree reckless endangerment rap for her sidekick's violent hissing fits. One of Lewis' victims is pressing for cat capital punishment, but Cisero is fighting to save one of her little buddy's lives. Tuesday's court proceeding was attended by several pro-Lewis, animal rights purr-otesters.
Biggest unanswered question:
Would any criminal activity in one of Lewis' past lives be admissible in court?
Posted by John Breneman at 8:06 AM | Permalink
May 22, 2006
Jacko wacko for Hoffa
 By John Breneman
Michael Jackson today joined the hunt for Jimmy Hoffa, saying
he will pay up to $2 million for the bones of the legendary
union boss, who went missing in 1975. A spokesperson for the Elephant
Man confirmed that Jacko is wacko for Hoffa.
Jackson reportedly showed up at an FBI search site in suburban
Detroit with a Gucci man-purse full of cash and a team of
monkeys equipped with ground-penetrating radar. After a brief
dance atop his custom stretch limo/backhoe, Jackson explained
that his jones for Jimmy's bones dates back to the 2002 when
he and Macaulay Culkin co-wrote a Hoffa screenplay while hopped
up on Jesus juice. Slated to star Ashton Kutcher as a vacuous
douchebag who wants to locate the missing labor leader to
impress a chick he's trying to nail, the film's working title
is "Dude, Where's Hoffa?"
The Humor Gazette has learned that some of Hollywood's biggest
names are hopping on the Hoffa bandwagon, hoping to cash in
on renewed public interest in the Teamsters president's rotting
corpse. Harrison Ford is developing a script for "Indiana
Jones: Quest for Hoffa's Bones" and sources say Madonna
is pitching a pinball machine love scene with the elusive
labor boss in "Desperately Seeking Hoffa."
Meanwhile, leading Hoffa-ologists say it's unlikely his remains
will be found at the Michigan horse farm now swarming with
G-Men because he is actually alive and well in Argentina,
where he lives on a heavily fortified llama ranch with Elvis
Presley and Hitler's love child.
Other
theorists say Hoffa survived a 1975 attempt to shove him into
the trunk of a late-model sedan and bury him in the end zone
of the Giants Stadium, only to be "whacked" by a
hitman connected to the Soprano crime family.
Related story:
Cheney
implicated in Soprano shooting -- March 13, 2006
Posted by John Breneman at 1:19 PM | Permalink
May 19, 2006
Ono! ... Yoko to blame for McCartney
Ono! ... Yoko to blame for McCartney split
 By John Breneman
Yoko Ono, widow of John Lennon and perhaps the world's most
reviled scapegoat, is responsible for the breakup of Paul
McCartney's marriage to Heather Mills, the Humor Gazette has
learned.
Sources say Mills "really dug" McCartney, but eventually
fell under the spell of Ono's shrill and relentless portrayal
of Paul as a creative midget next to the God-like genius of
John. Musical analysts say Ono's new single "(I Ain't
Sayin' She a) Peg-Legged Gold Digger" -- a three-minute
shriek accompanied by a chorus of baby harp seals in various
stages of distress -- could be a subtle dig at Mrs. McCartney.
The latest polls reveal that Ono is also receiving a hefty
share of the blame for the trouble in Iraq, the immigration
problem and rising gas prices. The growing anti-Ono ire is
good news for the Bush administration, which announced it
has evidence linking the notorious band-wrecker to the attacks
of Sept. 11, 2001.
Ono's approval is nearing its all-time low of 3 percent in
when the Beatles broke up in 1970, thanks to her. She recently
provoked ire in the Muslim world by saying she is "bigger
than Allah."
 The
eccentric widow could not be reached for comment because she
is channeling all her karmic energy into her latest project
-- a one-woman plastic Ono neo-coed naked Zen minimalist Haiku
mosh pit.
Related story:
Pitt
split: world mourns Brad-Jen apocalypse -- Jan.
12, 2005
Posted by John Breneman at 9:13 AM | Permalink
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