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June 26, 2006
Dodds' D.C. detour
Dodds
takes detour on road to D.C
By John Breneman
Skeptical
of congressional candidate Gary
Dodds' claim that he may have swerved to avoid a deer
when he bumped into a guardrail on the Spaulding Turnpike
then vanished for 26 hours, police are pursuing a new lead
involving a possible second deer, perched on a nearby grassy
knoll.
 Dodds
reportedly described the deer as 6 feet tall, 350 pounds,
clad in a handsome brown pelt with a white patch on its throat
and "dark, shifty eyes" -- possibly wearing a ski
mask.
A wildlife expert said if Dodds had encountered a deer with
his vehicle on the night of April 5, 2006, the animal would
have been scared shitless. Yet the local CSI team found nothing
when it dusted for scat.
However, they did discover pungent evidence suggesting the
recent presence a large weasel. Unconfirmed reports suggest
a magical unicorn also may have been involved.
Police have obtained a search warrant for Dodds' clothes
to help figure out if he's been sending them on a wild deer
chase with his amnesia-riddled tale of whacking his head and
wandering the woods and rivers of Dover.
Shortly after the incident, Dodds seemed unsure about whether
his 1997
Lincoln Continental had burst into flames (it had
not) and whether or not he had been kidnapped by a previously
unknown tribe of Granite State forest gnomes.
The befuddled Washington wannabe quickly demonstrated one
of his key qualifications for Congress, blaming his woes on
the media and accusing the local press of a "politically
motivated witch hunt."
Sources say Dodds plans to lay low for a while, maybe cruise
the Lincoln down to Rhode Island to get some campaign advice
from fellow crazy-drivin' Democrat Patrick Kennedy.
Public opinion is split, with a new fake poll showing that
42% of the voters believe Dodds was probably just practicing
lying in case he somehow won his bizarre bid to represent
some extremely puzzled constituents in the U.S. Congress.
Posted by John Breneman at 11:19 AM | Permalink
June 12, 2006
Al-Qaeda snatches Paris Hilton
Al-Qaeda
snatches Paris Hilton
 By
John Breneman
Al-Qaeda terror crackpot Ayman
al-Zawahiri has avenged the death of his pal Abu
Musab al-Zarqawi by kidnapping American hotel heiress
Paris Hilton.
Zawahiri appeared on videotape clutching a distraught, scantily
clad Hilton, who was forced to read a statement renouncing
"immoral reality TV" and calling American popular
culture "ignorant, soulless and depraved. Like me."
U.S. intelligence confirmed that the abductee seen on the
videotape -- and on a raunchy $19.95 companion bootleg --
is the flashy, trashy dumbass professional celebutramp.
Hilton also delivered her signature line -- "That's
hot" -- as the terrorist held a glowing orange branding
iron close to her cheek.
Hilton was snatched from a penthouse suite at the Baghdad
Hilton where she was shooting a sex tape with the Greek National
Guard. This according to a source close to the Mexican laborer
who cleans up after one of her miniature Chihuahuas.
Nicole Richie could not be reached for comment.
Related story:
Al
Qaeda's #2 man is cowardly piece of dung -- Aug.
5, 2005
Posted by John Breneman at 8:31 AM | Permalink
June 9, 2006
Fake obit: Zarqawi
Fake obit: Abu Musab al-Zarqawi
 By
John Breneman
Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, high-ranking al-Qaeda hatemonger, died
unexpectedly today when his "safehouse" was smashed
to Hell by bombs.
He was 39.
Zarqawi was identified by fingerprints, facial recognition
and the "Martyrs
Do it in the Afterlife" tattoo on his left bicep.
U.S. forces described Zarqawi's death as a victory in the
war on terror, but an al-Qaeda spokesman called it a victory
in the war FOR terror, saying 500 new Uncle Sam haters just
signed up for suicide bomber boot camp.
There are conflicting reports on whether Zarqawi is currently
burning in the underworld or gangbanging 72 virgins in the
promised land. Also killed in the U.S. offensive, Zarqawi's
#2 man, his #3, 4, 5 and 6 men, his longtime manicurist and
his beloved Jack Russell terrier, Mr. Boom-Boom.
Born in Jordan, Zarqawi is remembered as a prodigy at the
elite terror academy, Jihad Prep. Recalled one former instructor,
"By
the time Abu reached sixth grade he was already hating America
at a ninth-grade level."
A past president of the Fraternal Order of Spineless Terrorists
Local 666, Zarqawi rose to prominence as host of the popular
Iraqi game show "Who Wants to Be a Martyr?"
A devout Muslim, Zarqawi reportedly spent two hours a day
in prayer and another hour and a half playing Sudoku. In his
spare time he enjoyed doing needlepoint, watching "Three
Stooges" reruns and slaughtering innocent women and children.
Known for his uncanny resemblance to the American comic strip
character Zippy
the Pinhead, he also enjoyed pranking people with
his prosthetic leg and grooving to the music of Barry Manilow.
His hobbies included firing automatic weapons on grainy,
homemade videotapes and creating savory new recipes for human
flesh. He was the co-author of the Baghdad Times bestseller
"Killing Americans For Fun and Profit."
Friends say he will be remembered as a hero and a role model
for young terror whackjobs. "He never let respect for
human life stand in the way of his murderous ideology,"
said Ayman
al "Fred" Zawahiri, a possible successor.
"And he never met a non-Muslim he didn't hate."
His loss will be felt throughout the Islamist terror community
and the Internet is crackling with "chatter" about
who will take Zarqawi's place at third base on the al-Qaeda
company softball team.
Zarqawi teamed up with Osama bin Laden in 1999 after
the two met at a terror jamboree in Afghanistan, but sources
say Zarqawi had a falling out with his former mentor and once
told Al Jazeera that, ever since 9/11, bin Laden "thinks
he's Allah that."
 Services
will be held tomorrow at Fatwa Brothers Funeral Home. In lieu
of flowers and dates, donations may be made in Zarqawi's name
to the American Armageddon Fund or the Inhumane Society.
Related stories:
Zarqawi
the Pinhead cartoon causes carnage -- Feb. 8, 2006
Al-Zarqawi’s
approval rating falls -- Nov. 25, 2005
Osama
Bin Laden's list of travel demands -- March 24,
2006
Bin
Laden's driver linked to Miss Daisy -- March 30,
2006
Posted by John Breneman at 8:00 AM | Permalink
June 6, 2006
Satan fails to destroy Earth
By John Breneman
Humanity and its allies claimed a major victory in the War
on Satan on Tuesday, surviving a heightened risk of tsunamis,
earthquakes, terrorism, bird flu, locusts and the raging hellfires
of the apocalypse.
The Department of Homeland Security has dropped the Armageddon
Risk Level from orange to yellow. The FBI would neither confirm
nor deny that it is investigating scattered antichrist sightings
throughout the Bible Belt.
Predictions that the advent of June 6, 2006 (aka 666) would bring about the end of the world proved false. However, leading underworld experts warn this is no guarantee that the devil will not wipe us all off the face of the planet tomorrow. Or the next day. Or the Fourth of Freakin' July.
Tuesday's triumph of good over evil was cause for celebration
-- and mankind marked the occasion by burning vast quantities
of petroleum, warming the globe with war and industrial waste.
The beast could not be reached for comment.
Related storIes:
Global warming caused by increased activity in Hell
Nostradamus issues terror warning -- Aug. 2, 2004
Posted by John Breneman at 11:32 PM | Permalink
June 5, 2006
Iran denies nuke-u-lar dreams
Iran agrees to nuclear talks, but not nuke-u-lar
 By
John Breneman
Sources say President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is ready to accept
President Bush's offer to open talks with Iran if it stops
monkeying with uranium, on one condition -- Bush must agree
to correctly pronounce the word "nuclear."
"I'm sick of hearing that chump talk about Iran's 'nuke-u-lar
ambitions,'" said Ahmadinejad. "We want NUCLEAR
weapons -- I mean energy -- not nuke-u-lar."
Washington insiders say Iran's offer is insincere because
Ahmadinejad knows Bush will never abandon his beloved alternative
pronunciation of the explosively symbolic n-word.
Nevertheless Ahmadinejad said he has much in common with
the man he has come to call "The Decider," pointing
out that they're both kinda slow and despised throughout most
of the world. Also, the Iranian leader said, he just had to
put a bunch of people to death for singing the Iranian anthem
in English.
In a related development, China said it supports the U.S.
move to engage Iran in "nuke-ree-er" negotiations.
Related stories:
Bush's
new Iranian pen pal -- May 12, 2006
Bill
would ban singing anthem in Pig Latin -- May 3,
2006
Iran
gets bird flu bomb -- April 24, 2006
Posted by John Breneman at 7:52 PM | Permalink
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