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« Ono! ... Yoko to blame for McCartney | Page One | Conn. woman fights for one of her cat's lives »

By John Breneman

Michael Jackson today joined the hunt for Jimmy Hoffa, saying he will pay up to $2 million for the bones of the legendary union boss, who went missing in 1975. A spokesperson for the Elephant Man confirmed that Jacko is wacko for Hoffa.

Jackson reportedly showed up at an FBI search site in suburban Detroit with a Gucci man-purse full of cash and a team of monkeys equipped with ground-penetrating radar. After a brief dance atop his custom stretch limo/backhoe, Jackson explained that his jones for Jimmy's bones dates back to the 2002 when he and Macaulay Culkin co-wrote a Hoffa screenplay while hopped up on Jesus juice. Slated to star Ashton Kutcher as a vacuous douchebag who wants to locate the missing labor leader to impress a chick he's trying to nail, the film's working title is "Dude, Where's Hoffa?"

The Humor Gazette has learned that some of Hollywood's biggest names are hopping on the Hoffa bandwagon, hoping to cash in on renewed public interest in the Teamsters president's rotting corpse. Harrison Ford is developing a script for "Indiana Jones: Quest for Hoffa's Bones" and sources say Madonna is pitching a pinball machine love scene with the elusive labor boss in "Desperately Seeking Hoffa."

Meanwhile, leading Hoffa-ologists say it's unlikely his remains will be found at the Michigan horse farm now swarming with G-Men because he is actually alive and well in Argentina, where he lives on a heavily fortified llama ranch with Elvis Presley and Hitler's love child.

Other theorists say Hoffa survived a 1975 attempt to shove him into the trunk of a late-model sedan and bury him in the end zone of the Giants Stadium, only to be "whacked" by a hitman connected to the Soprano crime family.

Related story:
Cheney implicated in Soprano shooting -- March 13, 2006

Posted on May 22, 2006 1:19 PM | Permalink

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