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« Pope: Islam is 'really swell' | Page One | Port boss needs to get his slurs correct »

Suicide bombers get cold feet, call in sick

Make-believe suicide bomber Akbar Kapowi

By John Breneman

In a shocking development in the war in Iraq, no suicide bomber blew up a bunch of innocent victims yesterday.

This marks the first day in recent memory that no dim-witted Muslim extremist jackass has blown himself, and bystanders, to smithereens.

An anonymous terrorist leader calling himself "Deep Goat" said plans for moderate to heavy violence fell through for several reasons, including inclement weather and a rumor that all that bull about banging virgins in Heaven is actually a load of camel dung.

"Deep Goat," believed to be a regional manager for Insurgents R Us, said the lack of senseless death is just an aberration and assured that regularly scheduled suicide bombings will resume tomorrow.

Several of the rocket scientists scheduled to blow their brains out yesterday called in sick and others came up with a variety of excuses. One claimed the dog ate his "Martyr Manual," another had to attend his son's graduation from Bush the Anti-Christ Elementary School and yet another realized that Allah, like most self-respecting deities, actually frowns on killing innocent people in his name.

Other excuses included:
-- overslept
-- accidentally sent suicide bomb vest to the dry cleaners
-- ran out of gas on the way back from sabotaging an oil refinery
-- wife was nagging him to remodel the rape room
-- found out he was allergic to his own mangled flesh
-- realized mission would interfere with lifelong dream of crashing an exploding Hyundai into the Eiffel Tower
-- figured out he could make more money selling Saddam Hussein material on eBay

Posted on September 27, 2006 9:30 AM | Permalink

Comments (1)


This post is pretty funny especially the list at the end.

Posted by Anant | October 12, 2006 1:26 PM

Posted on October 12, 2006 13:26

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