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February 23, 2007
Anna Nicole baby to enter rehab
Anna
Nicole baby to enter rehab
 By
John Breneman
Distraught by round-the-clock TV drivel about her mother's
decomposing body and her father's identity, Anna Nicole Smith's
5-month-old daughter, Dannielynn, has checked into rehab for
treatment of depression, exhaustion and media exploitation.
Sources say the tiny pawn in this sordid made-for-reality-TV
commentary on American society is undernourished because the
former stripper and girlie mag starlet wanted her baby to
be "sexy."
The troubled infant's agent claims Playboy is offering $1
million in a bidding war for exclusive nude ultrasound photos.
Rumors are rampant that the Smith-Stern-Marshall-Prince Von
Anhalt-Birkhead baby has subsisted largely on TrimSpa formula
and Gerber's methadone puree since birth and has difficulty
breast-feeding because she rejects anything smaller than a
42DDD.
Maybe someday they'll get around to a DNA test to determine
the baby's daddy, but until then don't be surprised to see
Kevin Federline, Larry the Cable Guy and Scooty Libby's names
come up at the paternity inquisition.
Next: Geraldo demands a canine custody hearing to determine
who gets Sugar Pie, if the drug-addled toy poodle hasn't already
OD'd.
Media analysts say it is no surprise the busty blonde train
wreck knocked the astronaut diaper scandal from the spotlight,
since she once drove 1,200 miles in Depends just to score
a bag of crystal meth.
In life, she banged her way from a humble Texas strip club
to the United
States Supreme Court. Now a kangaroo court judge has
awarded custody of her remains to Dannielynn for burial in
the Bahamas. Saddest of all, Anna Nicole Smith will never
realize her dream of dangling her daughter over a hotel balcony
in Vegas.
Related story:
Anna
Nicole's Supreme Court sex romp -- March 1, 2006
Posted by John Breneman at 7:57 AM | Permalink
February 8, 2007
Tang to blame in astronaut love triangle
Tang
to blame in astronaut love triangle
 By
John Breneman
The deranged diaper-assed astronaut who drove from Texas
to Florida to confront a romantic rival may have been under
the influence of Tang.
Toxicology tests revealed that Lisa Nowak's bloodstream contained
more than five times the recommended daily allowance of Tang,
the powdery orange beverage favored by astronauts since 1965.
The flighty spacewoman, whose car was littered with empty
baby bottles containing Tang residue, allegedly confronted
Air Force Capt. Colleen Shipman armed with a knife, a BB gun,
some pepper spray, a light saber and a Star Trek phaser set
on "stun."
Unconfirmed reports suggest Nowak was also in possession
of a $14.2 billion NASA robotic arm and may have been planning
to bitch slap Shipman. Authorities said Nowak wore a diaper
so she could make Apollo 1 or 2 without having to stop her
car.
NASA spokesman George W. Jetson said America's astronauts
are under so much stress they occasionally need to "blast
off" some steam, "but not like those postal workers."
Asked about reports of fornication and toga parties aboard
the International Space Station, Jetson said, "What happens
in a low-gravity environment stays in a low-gravity environment."
The makers of Tang refused to comment on any connection between
their product and freakish astronaut murder plots.
Related stories:
Crack
found in foam of shuttle fuel tank -- July 4, 2006
Shuttle
repair costs 'out of this world' -- Aug. 3, 2005
Posted by John Breneman at 11:35 AM | Permalink
February 2, 2007
Groundhog predicts sectarian violence
 Groundhog
predicts six more weeks of sectarian violence
By John Breneman
Punxsutawney Phil, the famed Groundhog Day prognosticator,
spied a shadowy figure outside his burrow this morning and
forecast six more weeks of war.
The fuzzy, buck-toothed prophet foresees a bloody springtime
outside the Green Zone marred by Karbala car bombings and
Baghdad body bags. He also dropped a heinous stinkbomb said
to portend rising gas prices.
A White House spokesman dismissed the reports, blaming them
on the liberal, pro-groundhog news media, then scurried back
into his heavily fortified underground bunker. But not before
President Bush pledged to smoke the varmint out of its Saddam
Hussein hole for "emboldening the terrorists."
The groundhog also predicted continuing tensions between
elephants and donkeys in Washington.
 But
with all the commotion over Punxsutawney Phil and Gobbler's
Knob on Groundhog Day, the East Coast, pro-human news media
has once again neglected equally deserving members of the
animal kingdom.
For example: We know that, in most cultures, if the livestock
act jittery it means a devastating earthquake or tornado is
coming soon, maybe a tsunami. But few humans are aware that
indigenous people in the jungles of South America look to
the agile spider monkey to help determine when the rainy season
will come.
If the spider monkey is seen hanging by its tail from a tree
limb munching a fistful of berries, the rainy season will
come at the normal time. However, if the monkey is seen chain-smoking
a pack of Marlboro 100s, it means corporate interests will
defoliate the rain forest in 17 days.
In many coastal communities, the great white shark has long
been used to predict whether the coming tourist season will
be economically bountiful or lean. If a shark's fin is spotted
in the shallow water near the beach, it is believed the season
may be marred by gruesome tragedy and subpar revenues.
Insects like the common housefly have demonstrated an uncanny
knack for predicting the unexpected arrival of one's mother-in-law,
and the cuddly koala has been known to give profitable insider
tips to stock brokers dabbling in the volatile eucalyptus
market.
In some segments of the scientific community, it is believed
that if a single-call protozoan life form being examined under
an electron microscope sees its shadow and begins to undergo
meiotic division of its nuclei, there will be six more weeks
of accelerated binary fission. And, of course, many leading
zoologists favor a new American holiday recognizing the amazing
powers of the Shetland pony, the pygmy sperm whale or the
mud dauber wasp.
Related story:
Global
warming caused by increased activity in Hell
Posted by John Breneman at 8:16 AM | Permalink
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