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« Truthiness in the No Spin Zone | Page One | Tang to blame in astronaut love triangle »

Groundhog predicts six more weeks of sectarian violence

By John Breneman

Punxsutawney Phil, the famed Groundhog Day prognosticator, spied a shadowy figure outside his burrow this morning and forecast six more weeks of war.

The fuzzy, buck-toothed prophet foresees a bloody springtime outside the Green Zone marred by Karbala car bombings and Baghdad body bags. He also dropped a heinous stinkbomb said to portend rising gas prices.

A White House spokesman dismissed the reports, blaming them on the liberal, pro-groundhog news media, then scurried back into his heavily fortified underground bunker. But not before President Bush pledged to smoke the varmint out of its Saddam Hussein hole for "emboldening the terrorists."

The groundhog also predicted continuing tensions between elephants and donkeys in Washington.

But with all the commotion over Punxsutawney Phil and Gobbler's Knob on Groundhog Day, the East Coast, pro-human news media has once again neglected equally deserving members of the animal kingdom.

For example: We know that, in most cultures, if the livestock act jittery it means a devastating earthquake or tornado is coming soon, maybe a tsunami. But few humans are aware that indigenous people in the jungles of South America look to the agile spider monkey to help determine when the rainy season will come.

If the spider monkey is seen hanging by its tail from a tree limb munching a fistful of berries, the rainy season will come at the normal time. However, if the monkey is seen chain-smoking a pack of Marlboro 100s, it means corporate interests will defoliate the rain forest in 17 days.

In many coastal communities, the great white shark has long been used to predict whether the coming tourist season will be economically bountiful or lean. If a shark's fin is spotted in the shallow water near the beach, it is believed the season may be marred by gruesome tragedy and subpar revenues.

Insects like the common housefly have demonstrated an uncanny knack for predicting the unexpected arrival of one's mother-in-law, and the cuddly koala has been known to give profitable insider tips to stock brokers dabbling in the volatile eucalyptus market.

In some segments of the scientific community, it is believed that if a single-call protozoan life form being examined under an electron microscope sees its shadow and begins to undergo meiotic division of its nuclei, there will be six more weeks of accelerated binary fission. And, of course, many leading zoologists favor a new American holiday recognizing the amazing powers of the Shetland pony, the pygmy sperm whale or the mud dauber wasp.

Related story:
Global warming caused by increased activity in Hell

Posted on February 2, 2007 8:16 AM | Permalink

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