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 Groundhog
predicts six more weeks of sectarian violence
By John Breneman
Punxsutawney Phil, the famed Groundhog Day prognosticator,
spied a shadowy figure outside his burrow this morning and
forecast six more weeks of war.
The fuzzy, buck-toothed prophet foresees a bloody springtime
outside the Green Zone marred by Karbala car bombings and
Baghdad body bags. He also dropped a heinous stinkbomb said
to portend rising gas prices.
A White House spokesman dismissed the reports, blaming them
on the liberal, pro-groundhog news media, then scurried back
into his heavily fortified underground bunker. But not before
President Bush pledged to smoke the varmint out of its Saddam
Hussein hole for "emboldening the terrorists."
The groundhog also predicted continuing tensions between
elephants and donkeys in Washington.
 But
with all the commotion over Punxsutawney Phil and Gobbler's
Knob on Groundhog Day, the East Coast, pro-human news media
has once again neglected equally deserving members of the
animal kingdom.
For example: We know that, in most cultures, if the livestock
act jittery it means a devastating earthquake or tornado is
coming soon, maybe a tsunami. But few humans are aware that
indigenous people in the jungles of South America look to
the agile spider monkey to help determine when the rainy season
will come.
If the spider monkey is seen hanging by its tail from a tree
limb munching a fistful of berries, the rainy season will
come at the normal time. However, if the monkey is seen chain-smoking
a pack of Marlboro 100s, it means corporate interests will
defoliate the rain forest in 17 days.
In many coastal communities, the great white shark has long
been used to predict whether the coming tourist season will
be economically bountiful or lean. If a shark's fin is spotted
in the shallow water near the beach, it is believed the season
may be marred by gruesome tragedy and subpar revenues.
Insects like the common housefly have demonstrated an uncanny
knack for predicting the unexpected arrival of one's mother-in-law,
and the cuddly koala has been known to give profitable insider
tips to stock brokers dabbling in the volatile eucalyptus
market.
In some segments of the scientific community, it is believed
that if a single-call protozoan life form being examined under
an electron microscope sees its shadow and begins to undergo
meiotic division of its nuclei, there will be six more weeks
of accelerated binary fission. And, of course, many leading
zoologists favor a new American holiday recognizing the amazing
powers of the Shetland pony, the pygmy sperm whale or the
mud dauber wasp.
Related story:
Global
warming caused by increased activity in Hell
Posted by John Breneman on February 2, 2007 8:16 AM
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This page contains a single entry from the blog posted on February 2, 2007 8:16 AM.
The previous post in this blog was Truthiness in the No Spin Zone.
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