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« Groundhog predicts sectarian violence | Page One | Anna Nicole baby to enter rehab »

Tang to blame in astronaut love triangle

By John Breneman

The deranged diaper-assed astronaut who drove from Texas to Florida to confront a romantic rival may have been under the influence of Tang.

Toxicology tests revealed that Lisa Nowak's bloodstream contained more than five times the recommended daily allowance of Tang, the powdery orange beverage favored by astronauts since 1965.

The flighty spacewoman, whose car was littered with empty baby bottles containing Tang residue, allegedly confronted Air Force Capt. Colleen Shipman armed with a knife, a BB gun, some pepper spray, a light saber and a Star Trek phaser set on "stun."

Unconfirmed reports suggest Nowak was also in possession of a $14.2 billion NASA robotic arm and may have been planning to bitch slap Shipman. Authorities said Nowak wore a diaper so she could make Apollo 1 or 2 without having to stop her car.

NASA spokesman George W. Jetson said America's astronauts are under so much stress they occasionally need to "blast off" some steam, "but not like those postal workers."

Asked about reports of fornication and toga parties aboard the International Space Station, Jetson said, "What happens in a low-gravity environment stays in a low-gravity environment."

The makers of Tang refused to comment on any connection between their product and freakish astronaut murder plots.

Related stories:
Crack found in foam of shuttle fuel tank -- July 4, 2006

Shuttle repair costs 'out of this world' -- Aug. 3, 2005

Posted on February 8, 2007 11:35 AM | Permalink

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