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Anna Nicole baby to enter rehab

By John Breneman

Distraught by round-the-clock TV drivel about her mother's decomposing body and her father's identity, Anna Nicole Smith's 5-month-old daughter, Dannielynn, has checked into rehab for treatment of depression, exhaustion and media exploitation.

Sources say the tiny pawn in this sordid made-for-reality-TV commentary on American society is undernourished because the former stripper and girlie mag starlet wanted her baby to be "sexy."

The troubled infant's agent claims Playboy is offering $1 million in a bidding war for exclusive nude ultrasound photos.

Rumors are rampant that the Smith-Stern-Marshall-Prince Von Anhalt-Birkhead baby has subsisted largely on TrimSpa formula and Gerber's methadone puree since birth and has difficulty breast-feeding because she rejects anything smaller than a 42DDD.

Maybe someday they'll get around to a DNA test to determine the baby's daddy, but until then don't be surprised to see Kevin Federline, Larry the Cable Guy and Scooty Libby's names come up at the paternity inquisition.

Next: Geraldo demands a canine custody hearing to determine who gets Sugar Pie, if the drug-addled toy poodle hasn't already OD'd.

Media analysts say it is no surprise the busty blonde train wreck knocked the astronaut diaper scandal from the spotlight, since she once drove 1,200 miles in Depends just to score a bag of crystal meth.

In life, she banged her way from a humble Texas strip club to the United States Supreme Court. Now a kangaroo court judge has awarded custody of her remains to Dannielynn for burial in the Bahamas. Saddest of all, Anna Nicole Smith will never realize her dream of dangling her daughter over a hotel balcony in Vegas.

Related story:
Anna Nicole's Supreme Court sex romp -- March 1, 2006

Posted on February 23, 2007 7:57 AM | Permalink

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