Global economy blues

Gazette exclusives

Humor Gazette feed

Drill Sergeant loses it
(YouTube sensation!)

Handy sites (Political Humor)
Borowitz Report
Glossy News

Media Matters
New York Times
Satire Awards

« Welcome to Humor Gazette Theater! | Page One | Poll: 100% of bums want change »

Mitt has
a dream

By John Breneman

Mitt Romney has a dream.

He dreamed he saw his father march arm-in-arm with the Rev. Martin Luther King.

And he dreams of an America where millions of illegal brown men will march back to Mexico, even the ones who maintained his yard and tennis court.

Mitt Romney has a dream that he will be judged not by promises he made a few years ago about abortion and gay rights, but by what political ambition causes him to claim he believes today.

He dreams that Americans will find him so dreamy they won't even notice that he'll say virtually anything -- anything at all -- to realize his dream of becoming president.

And he has a dream that he will be judged not for failing to protest his beloved Mormon religion's racist ban on black priests, but for his phony claim to have a personal connection to America's greatest civil rights leader.

Religious Romney has a dream that Christian voters will judge him not by the fact that his great grandfather Miles Park Romney had five fives, but by his suggestion that churchgoers are more worthy Americans because "freedom requires religion."

Terror-fighting Romney has a dream that he will be judged not by his statement that he'd let the lawyers decide whether to attack Iran, but by the false strength he sought to project by boasting that he's itching to "double Guantanamo."

Pro-Iraq Romney has a dream that one day his five strapping sons will be judged not by the color of the military uniforms they choose not to wear, but by the content of their character as loyal Romney '08 foot soldiers.

To realize his dream, Romney's oratorical strategy is to let fabrications ring.

Let fiction ring ... from the fertile plains of Iowa (where he spent much of his term as absentee governor of Massachusetts) to the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire (where the Concord Monitor published an editorial warning voters that Mitt Romney is a handsome, charismatic "phony").

Despite having been hunting just two times, when Romney saw a man with an NRA cap on April 3 in Keene, N.H., he couldn't help telling him, "I've been a hunter pretty much all my life."

Let fiction ring.

When asked an embarrassing question by Rudy Giuliani at the Nov. 28 CNN/YouTube debate -- "You did have illegal immigrants working at your mansion, didn't you?" -- Romney started his spin with the blatant untruth, "No, I did not."

Let fiction ring.

Yes, Mitt Romney has a dream. The ultimate politician's dream -- of saying all the right things to all the right voters, of getting elected by any means necessary.

The above column appeared in the Dec. 30 Boston Sunday Herald.

Posted on December 30, 2007 2:46 PM | Permalink

Previous post: Welcome to Humor Gazette Theater!.

Next post: Poll: 100% of bums want change.


About the Humor Gazette