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July 29, 2009
Palin enters Miss Anti-America pageant
Palin eyes Miss Anti-America pageant crown
 Good
evening, I'm Humor Gazette news anchorman Reid Page and this
is the 13 O'Clock News.
 CLICK
HERE FOR VIDEO
Tonight -- political beauty queen Sarah Palin: Friend or
foe?
Sunday was Palin's last day as governor of Alaska, and now
that the godless, East Coast liberal media has forced her
to hand over her crown to the first runner-up, the former
Miss Wasilla is aiming to become the first woman ever to claim
a repeat title as Miss Communication.
 Palin's
natural flair for political pageantry endeared her to millions
after John McCain crowned her Miss GOP Running Mate 2008,
and the former Miss Alaska second runner-up strutted across
that Bridge From Nowhere and wowed 'em with her lipstick on
a pitbull hockey mom acceptance speech.
Critics dissed her as a dizzy diva, unqualified to run the
country. But the popular Palin picked up several more titles
out on the campaign trail, where she was crowned Miss Adventure,
Miss Quotation and Miss Informed.
After the election, the glamorous governor continued to tout
herself for the title of Miss Understood. However, sources
say she missed the national spotlight in Alaska, where her
hopes for fresh pageant glory seemed limited despite repeated
nominations for Miss Behavior and Miss Conduct.
The moment she announced her resignation, the foxy newsmaker
was widely hailed as Miss Leader. And now that she's quit,
most pundits consider her a sexy, high-heeled shoo-in for
Miss Calculation.
She can write those memoirs, keep posting bitter Tweet nothings
on Twitter, and - if she plays her maverick cards right and
gets more people to hate the socialist president -- many believe
that by 2012 she could earn the ultimate title … Miss
Anti-America.
Posted by John Breneman at 10:26 PM | Permalink
July 14, 2009
Wacko sister: Jacko murdered !!
Jacko murdered? Wacko sister
wants him buried in Jackson Hole
 Good
evening, I'm Humor Gazette 13 O'Clock News anchorman Reid
Page, reporting live from our Neverland bureau.
Welcome to Day 20 of the Michael Jackson Death Watch.
WATCH
THE VIDEO
Boosted by round-the-clock media
e-jacko-lation, Michael Jackson
hit #1 on the TV News charts for the third sconsecutive week.
Now
sister LaToya Jackson is crying "murder!" She offers
no evidence, but media jackals are gorging on her claim like
a pack of choreographed zombies from "Thriller."
Sources say her chief suspects are Tito, Bubbles and Dr. Phil.
Sales of Mr. Jackson's music have soared -- along with memorabilia
ranging from sequined gloves and surgical masks to Michael
Jackson action figures and commemorative Jacko-lanterns.
 The
retail blitz has provided a much-needed stimulus to the nation's
ailing finances -- analysts estimate the singer's death has
generated at least $1.2 trillion dollars in jacko-nomic impact.
Our first guest has a PYT in Jacksonian HIStory from Jackson
State University, where he is one of the nation's pre-eminent
jackologists.
Please welcome, professor Jack Michaels. … Professor
Michaels, how has Mr. Jackson's tragic death affected you?
 PROFESSOR
JACK MICHAELS: Thank you, Reid.
In the past "48 Hours," I've been interviewed by
Oprah, Regis, Geraldo and Whoopi; Wolf Blitzer, Fox &
Friends, Morning Joe and the Daily Show.
I've dished dirt to Rosie, spilled my guts on Springer and
told all to Montel.
Katie Couric had me on a panel with Kato Kaelin and Casey
Kasem, and Ryan Seacrest asked me who I was wearing.
I've been verbally abused by Bill O'Reilly, bum-rushed by
Limbaugh and called a "disgrace" by Nancy Grace.
I was even grilled by Bobby Flay.
I've bared my soul to fill the newshole on (singing) ABC,
it's easy as MTV, as simple as BET, A&E, channel E!, even
TMZ, sir.
And tomorrow, you can see me on Jacko-tainment Tonight, Access
Bollywood and a very special edition of the Twilight Zone.
I also testified before Congress supporting a blanket resolution
honoring Michael as the greatest alleged pedophile of our
time.
 REID
PAGE: Thank you, professor Jack Michaels … for reminding
us that here in America, mega-celebrities accused of bizarre
behavior are innocent until proven freaky.
This just in: More mindless speculation about Mr. Jackson's
final resting place -- now believed to be in Wyoming, in a
multimillion-dollar hyperbaric burial chamber in Jackson Hole.
For the Humor Gazette 13 O'Clock News, I'm anchorman Reid
Page.
Related
story & video:
Jackson joins Peter Pantheon of 'Off the Wall' entertainers
Posted by John Breneman at 9:17 AM | Permalink
July 6, 2009
Sarah 'Barracuda' Palin's fishy resignation speech
Sarah 'Barracuda' Palin's fishy resignation
speech
 Good
evening. I'm Fox News anchor-puppet Deuce Murdoch -- reporting
live from Anchorage …
Tonight:
Why did Sarah Palin resign as governor?
I don't know -- but Alaska!!
VIDEO
(CNN iReport)
What we do know is that Sarah Barracuda has gone maverick
again -- stunning the political world by announcing her resignation
Friday in a fishy, salmon swimming upstream-of-consciousness
speech that ticked off the elite, liberal media by giving
them no coherent comment on why she did it or what she'll
do next.
America's favorite moose-cookin', Putin-huntin' hockey mom
did say she was sick of being a political hockey puck.
And sources claim she's so steamed about scandal rumors involving
her $1.2 million igloo that she plans to take a brief vacation
shooting media jackals from an airplane.
 Then
she may hit the paid-speaker circuit, where she can reel in
big money with her inane ability to spout random strings of
words that underscore her refreshing lack of knowledge and
experience.
That would also help position her for 2012, when some say
she'll be the GOP's best hope to stop that President Hussein
Obama from palling around with socialists.
Supporters of a presidential bid point out that she's a staunch
conservative who hates all the right things and is passionate
about the God-given right of every fetus to own a gun.
Stay tuned to Facebook and Twitter to find out what's next
for ex-Gov. Palin, whose family values stand to increase by
millions -- with her book and TV opportunities, and her new
line of Sassy Sarah bobble-head political action figures.
From Anchorage, I'm Fox News anchor-puppet Deuce Murdoch.
WATCH
THE VIDEO
Posted by John Breneman at 8:50 AM | Permalink
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