Humor Gazette: August 2009 Archives

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August 15, 2009

Recipe: Roast Ox Smoothie

Summertime recipes: Roast Ox Smoothie

Though some folks favor lemonade, root beer floats or iced tea, old-timers know there's nothing quite like a refreshing Roast Ox Smoothie to take the edge off on a sweltering summer day.

INGREDIENTS

1 600-lb. oxen, freshly killed
2 dozen cloves of garlic
1 large sack of onions, cubed
9 gal. Worcestershire sauce
1-1/2 fistfuls of paprika
8 oz. plain yogurt

Throw the onions and garlic into a mixing bowl and thrash them viciously with a studded leather belt until they begin to resemble a pile of severely abused chunks of onions and garlic.

Rub some of the garlic and onion mix onto your teeth and gums to ward off evil, then place the rest in an all-weather trash bin. Fling the paprika on top and seal with duct tape.

Next: Decapitate, skin and gut the ox using an ordinary household oxen shiv, medium-sized chainsaw or a crew of illegal Mexican laborers. Lightly brush the grotesque uncooked flesh with Worcestershire marinade and cover with a tarp to protect from flies and maggots and neighborhood dogs.

Dig a hole in your backyard and fill with wood, coal and construction debris. (environmental enthusiasts may prefer to substitute alternative fuels such as switch grass, Duraflame logs or oxen dung).

Construct a makeshift oxen spit, then muscle the bloody carcass onto the contraption. Douse the bonfire pit with lighter fluid or gasoline (at least 89 octane for best results) and ignite, making sure flames do not exceed 15 feet in height.

Cook for approximately half a day, continually rotating the gigantic slab so it chars evenly while the center remains pink and tender. Remove from heat and trim into blender-sized slabs.

Shovel ingredients into industrial-sized food processor and puree for 45 minutes.

Dump into a tall glass over ice, garnish with a sprig of anchovy and serve.

Posted by John Breneman at 8:45 AM | Permalink

August 13, 2009

Irritable Pundit Sydrome: 'Death panel'

Palin 'death panel' claim escalates war on Obama

By John Breneman

The GOP's war on health care escalated today as Sarah Palin accused President Obama of establishing a “death panel” to kill babies and old people.

WATCH: Humor video

Palin claimed Obama’s “evil” plan would force Americans to smother their parents at age 75 with a government-issued pillow.

Calling Obama a cannibalistic, Kenya-born communist, Palin also appealed for civil debate – showing once again why polls rank her the nation’s most surrealistic political performance artist.

Rush Limbaugh swastika’d Obama by comparing the president to Adolf Hitler. Obama is a fascist, brown supremacist liberal jihadist, warned the legendary white-wing media arsonist – casting himself as Sgt. Schultz in the War on Obama.

White-wing media arsonist Rush Limbaugh firebombed Obama by comparing the president to Adolf Hitler. Obama is a fascist, brown supremacist liberal jihadist, warned Limbaugh – casting himself as Sgt. Schultz in the War on Obama.

Glenn Beck fired up his troops by calling Obama a “racist” who hates white people.

Enraged members of the Glenn Beck Militia then stormed town-hall meetings to shout down the socialist president’s bigoted, big-government health-care plot.

CNN’s Lou Dobbs remained neutral, advising Obama to simply fork over some Hawaiian DNA to prove he’s a real American.

Meanwhile, as the anti-Obama industry churns out fictional talking points and free presidential effigy kits, Fox News urged disgruntled viewers to flood their congressmen with patriotic death threats.

Next in the War on Obama: Bill O'Reilly stokes fears that the racist, Nazi, baby-killing president will block conservative nominees from serving on his evil health-care death panel.

When we return: Is aggressive treatment of toxic pundits covered under Obama’s plan?

Posted by John Breneman at 9:04 AM | Permalink

August 9, 2009

Triple-Action News: the latest poll

Good evening, I'm anchorman Reid Page and this is Triple-Action News.

A new Gallup poll reveals that conservatives and liberals agree on at least one key issue -- 82% of Americans say they would like to punch a politician in the face.

Another 74% say they would like to choke a cable TV news pundit.

This as a majority of conservatives AND liberals agree that efforts to make America more healthy are being distorted by malicious cable news fear-mongering, and sabotaged by typical hypocritical political greed.

In a new Fox News poll ...

86% of Fox News viewers are confused about whether President Obama is a socialist, a communist, a Nazi, a Muslim extremist or -- worse -- all of the above.

74% don't want their schoolchildren exposed to that radical, foreign, brown bogeyman who lives in the White House.

Another 46% fear Obama is plotting to implant an Obamaton microchip in the left forearm of every schoolchild.

And 99% of Fox News viewers say they do not want to be euthanized by some government death panel or one of Obama's big-government zombie storm troopers.

However, 99% of Fox viewers ALSO say they wouldn't mind having health insurance that covered pre-existing conditions, that didn't keep skyrocketing in price and that actually paid most medical bills instead of arbitrarily denying coverage.

For Triple-Action News, I'm anchorman Reid Page.

Posted by John Breneman at 9:36 AM | Permalink

August 5, 2009

Pundit Frankie Goldchains slams Glenn Beck

ANCHORMAN REID PAGE:

Good evening, I'm anchorman Reid Page. Tonight on "America's Most Hateful Pundits" -- cable TV cancer Glenn Beck trying to make headlines and boost his ratings by calling President Obama a "racist."

Repugnant self-aggrandizing bigotry or triple reverse racist gibberish?

With us is ex-Mafia media pundit Frankie Goldchains.

WATCH VIDEO:
FRANKIE GOLDCHAINS
vs. GLENN BECK

FRANKIE GOLDCHAINS:

Yeah, I'm Frankie Goldchains.

Ya hear about this facehole Glenn Beck calling Obama a racist on Fox News?

"Obama's a racist." Yeah, that's it.

Who writes your material, Beck? The Imperial Grand Dragon over there at Ku Klux News?

I see right through you -- you Fascist, narcissist, Commie propaganda monkey!!

Our president hates white people?!? Not even your viewers are that stupid, Beck!! Spewin' that pulpy bullshit from your bully pulpit.

Man, I seen some race baiters in my day. But you -- you're some kinda master race baiter. Tryin' to incite the anti-Obama whackjobs.

Stirrin' up some kinda Reich-wing Fuhrer.

You hate our president so much. Go back to Glennbeckistan!!!

You smug illegal Caucasian domestic terrorist !!

Pass the word to your boys O'Reilly and Dobbs and Hannity, too. Stinkin' up the airwaves with your revolting jowl movements!! Good thing you clowns are protected by Freedom of Speech.

You wanna debate?!?

I'll come down there -- DEBATE THE CRAP OUTTA YOU !!!

FRANKIE GOLDCHAINS STYLE !!

Posted by John Breneman at 9:54 AM | Permalink