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Jacko murdered? Wacko sister
wants him buried in Jackson Hole

Good evening, I'm Humor Gazette 13 O'Clock News anchorman Reid Page, reporting live from our Neverland bureau.

Welcome to Day 20 of the Michael Jackson Death Watch.


Boosted by round-the-clock media
e-jacko-lation, Michael Jackson hit #1 on the TV News charts for the third sconsecutive week.

Now sister LaToya Jackson is crying "murder!" She offers no evidence, but media jackals are gorging on her claim like a pack of choreographed zombies from "Thriller." Sources say her chief suspects are Tito, Bubbles and Dr. Phil.

Sales of Mr. Jackson's music have soared -- along with memorabilia ranging from sequined gloves and surgical masks to Michael Jackson action figures and commemorative Jacko-lanterns.

The retail blitz has provided a much-needed stimulus to the nation's ailing finances -- analysts estimate the singer's death has generated at least $1.2 trillion dollars in jacko-nomic impact.

Our first guest has a PYT in Jacksonian HIStory from Jackson State University, where he is one of the nation's pre-eminent jackologists.

Please welcome, professor Jack Michaels. … Professor Michaels, how has Mr. Jackson's tragic death affected you?


In the past "48 Hours," I've been interviewed by Oprah, Regis, Geraldo and Whoopi; Wolf Blitzer, Fox & Friends, Morning Joe and the Daily Show.

I've dished dirt to Rosie, spilled my guts on Springer and told all to Montel.

Katie Couric had me on a panel with Kato Kaelin and Casey Kasem, and Ryan Seacrest asked me who I was wearing.

I've been verbally abused by Bill O'Reilly, bum-rushed by Limbaugh and called a "disgrace" by Nancy Grace. I was even grilled by Bobby Flay.

I've bared my soul to fill the newshole on (singing) ABC, it's easy as MTV, as simple as BET, A&E, channel E!, even TMZ, sir.

And tomorrow, you can see me on Jacko-tainment Tonight, Access Bollywood and a very special edition of the Twilight Zone.

I also testified before Congress supporting a blanket resolution honoring Michael as the greatest alleged pedophile of our time.

REID PAGE: Thank you, professor Jack Michaels … for reminding us that here in America, mega-celebrities accused of bizarre behavior are innocent until proven freaky.

This just in: More mindless speculation about Mr. Jackson's final resting place -- now believed to be in Wyoming, in a multimillion-dollar hyperbaric burial chamber in Jackson Hole.

For the Humor Gazette 13 O'Clock News, I'm anchorman Reid Page.

Related story & video:
Jackson joins Peter Pantheon of 'Off the Wall' entertainers

Posted on July 14, 2009 9:17 AM | Permalink

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