Global economy blues

Gazette exclusives

Humor Gazette feed

Drill Sergeant loses it
(YouTube sensation!)

Handy sites (Political Humor)
Borowitz Report
Glossy News

Media Matters
New York Times
Satire Awards

« "Dancing with the Tea Party" | Page One | Palin parody book excerpts leaked »

Report: Kim Jong-il launched military strike to woo Sarah Palin

A spokesman for Kim Jong-il would neither confirm nor deny reports that the enigmatic North Korean dictator attacked South Korea today because he has a crush on Sarah Palin and wanted to catch her attention.

Apart from his love of WMDs, choreographed goose-stepping and SpongeBob SquarePants, little is known about the reclusive leader, who is rarely seen in public without his signature 18-inch platform shoes, old-school Commie jumpsuit and pompadour hairstyle.

His birth in 1942 was said to be foretold by a mud dauber wasp. Kim, who has a reputation as a cognac-guzzling playboy, claims to have had steamy trysts with Angelina Jolie, Queen Elizabeth and Sally Struthers. However, he denies any romantic involvement with Bill O'Reilly or North Korean Pam Anderson impersonator Bam Sanderson. Friends say he spends hours on trolling for his "Seoul mate."

Known to friends as "KJ" and "The Donger," Kim rules under an official state ideology called "Juche," which translates roughly as "starvation and brainwashing." Each year, to demonstrate his benevolence, Kim gives every family three packets of Ramen noodles and a Kim Jong-il action figure.

He is said to enjoy long walks on the beach and cognac-fueled picnics with 12-year-old Japanese girls kidnapped by his aides. His hobbies include needlepoint, human-rights abuse and raping small animals.

Regarded as part immortal by his subjects, he claims to have invented the hyperbaric chamber, Kentucky Fried Chicken and parts of the Internet. A seventh-degree black belt in golf, he reports hitting 11 holes-in-one the first time he played.

His favorite foods are lobster thermidor, Rice Krispies and lollipops, and he enjoys playing American parlor games such as Yahtzee, Battleship and Gnip Gnop.

Kim Jong-il recently anointed his son as his successor, and sources say his lifelong addiction to cough syrup, cognac and crack has caused health problems ranging from red lung and pancreatic vapors to cardiac dragons or curvature of the liver.

North Korean state media called reports about Kim's ill health "a western conspiracy" and "not fair and balanced."

Regarding his interest in Sarah Palin, a Kim spokesman said to expect more military strikes if Bristol does not win "Dancing with the Stars."

Posted on November 23, 2010 2:27 PM | Permalink

Previous post: "Dancing with the Tea Party".

Next post: Palin parody book excerpts leaked .


About the Humor Gazette