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« Britney's wardrobe dysfunction | Page One | Study: Myrrh may be hazardous to your health »

Bush eyes Santa for Cabinet post

Kris Kringle may be tapped to head
Department of Elf Education and Welfare or
Gingerbread Housing and Urban Development

By John Breneman

Firing Donald Rumsfeld didn't help him at the polls, so now President Bush hopes to boost his Grinch-like approval numbers by naming a universally beloved figure to a key Cabinet post.

According to completely fabricated reports, the one and only Santa Claus has engaged in preliminary discussions about a possible top job in the Bush administration.

Conservative pundits say the move could also be a decisive blow in the War on Christmas.

Mr. Claus, a beloved mythical figure known primarily for his efficient worldwide distribution of Christmas cheer, has no prior political experience. Nevertheless, he is considered a strong choice due to his extraordinarily high "favorability rating." And though he is famous for hauling around a gigantic sack, he is believed to be virtually free of political baggage.

Mr. Claus, who has perfected a technology that enables him to fly all over the world at lightning speeds in a reindeer-powered sleigh, is also being considered for Secretary of Transportation.

Some Washington insiders believe Mr. Claus' cutting-edge work in high-speed, petroleum-free transportation could revolutionize the future of commercial air travel.

Meanwhile, insiders at the Department of Justice confirm that Mr. Claus' innate ability to tell who's been "naughty" vs. who's been "nice" made him an attractive candidate to replace Alberto Gonzales as attorney general.

And several leading economists -- noting Mr. Claus' powerful impact on the nation's gross national product each year at this time -- suspect he may be a contender for Secretary of Commerce.

The rotund, white-haired statesman, who makes his year-round residence at the North Pole, may also be under consideration to head the Department of Gingerbread Housing and Urban Development.

Others believe that Mr. Claus, the nation's leading employer of blue-collar elves, would be a natural for the Department of Elf Education and Welfare.

Several Washington pundits suggest a Claus nomination would draw strong opposition from Senate Democrats, some of whom are convinced that -- like those mythical weapons of mass destruction -- he doesn't actually exist.

FBI investigators will be checking Mr. Claus' background and "checking it twice," in part to determine whether his well-documented "love" for little boys and girls is cause for concern.

A spokesman said Mr. Claus would not be available for comment on a possible role in the Bush administration because he was about to leave on a very important annual business trip. But President Bush said he is eager to meet over milk and cookies in Washington next week when "Santa Claus is coming to town."

Related stories:
Bush wounded in War on Christmas -- Dec. 9, 2005

Posted on December 19, 2006 12:55 PM | Permalink

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