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September 25, 2008
McCain sustains self-inflicted political wound
McCain
sustains self-inflicted political wound
 By
John Breneman
Sen. John McCain's dramatic decision Wednesday to suspend
his presidential campaign to rescue American voters from economic
doom is already reaping dividends -- it is decreasing likelihood
of an economically disastrous McCain presidency.
With his poll numbers plummeting, the "economic"
situation was so urgent that McCain canceled a taping with
David Letterman, probably an even bigger strategic blunder
than admitting Tuesday that he had not yet read the three-page
bailout proposal.
After praising McCain for his courage and heroism during
the Vietnam War, Letterman tortured the Republican nominee
with blunt comic instruments.
"You don't suspend your campaign," was Letterman's
machine-gun refrain. "Are we suspending it because there's
an economic crisis or because the poll numbers are sliding?"
Letterman said McCain phoned in to cancel with some excuse
about having to jet down to Washington to save the economy.
Then the late-night host pulled a "this just in"
and showed video of McCain down the street taping an interview
with Katie Couric.
"This just gets uglier and uglier," said Letterman,
who pretended to yell to McCain offering him a ride to the
airport.
"This doesn't smell right. This isn't the way a tested
hero behaves," Letterman had said earlier. "I think
someone's putting something in his Metamucil."
Letterman also skewered McCain's media quarantine of running
mate Sarah Palin, saying that if McCain feels he's needed
in Washington he should simply call upon his "second-string
quarterback" to lead the campaign. What's the problem,
he asked. "Where is she?"
Letterman's nightly Top 10 List also mocked McCain with these
"Top 10 questions people are asking the McCain campaign":
 #10:
I just contributed to your campaign -- how do I get a refund?
#8: Can't you solve this by selling some of your homes?
#6: Do you still think the fundamentals of our economy are
strong, genius?
#5: Are you doing all this just to get out of going on Letterman?
"First of all, the road to the White House runs through
me," Letterman reminded.
"What are you going to do if you're elected and things
get tough? Suspend being president? We've got a guy like that
now!" the late-night jokkernaut continued.
"Do you think he'll ever come back?" Letterman
asked sidekick Paul Shaffer.
"Not after the drubbing that you've just delivered."
Steven Colbert offered his customary ironic support of the
Republican, pointing out that when you're president you've
got to suspend a lot of things: "Habeas Corpus,"
for example.
And noted stand-up comic Sen. Chris Dodd, Democratic chairman
of the Senate Banking Committee, said McCain's gambit looks
like "more of a rescue plan for John McCain and not a
rescue plan for the economy."
McCain's rescue plan may have begun with an 8:30 Wednesday
morning call from the Obama camp proposing a calm joint statement
on the economic situation. Perhaps fearing that Obama might
be credited with reaching out, McCain went commando.
According to reports, he finally returned Obama's call at
2:30 p.m. and agreed to issue a joint statement. But moments
later he was announcing the suspension of his campaign and
challenging Obama to do the same. No word yet if McCain will
arrive at his Capitol Hill crisis-op by parachute.
He also proposed postponing his inevitable dismantling in
Friday's presidential debate, prompting Obama to respond,
"This is exactly the time the American people need to
hear from the person who in approximately 40 days will be
responsible for dealing with this mess."
Now, just as his campaign's strategic use of dishonesty has
begun to draw more media attention, McCain is taking blows
from the left and right charging blatant political opportunism
and just plain erratic behavior.
 However,
McCain said there is no need to worry because the fundamentals
of his campaign are strong.
Related humor:
VIDEO
-- Negative ad links Obama, Hussein and McCain
VIDEO
-- Sarah
Palin: How many igloos does she own?
VIDEO
-- Poll: 100% of bums want change
Posted by John Breneman at 9:02 AM | Permalink
September 23, 2008
Thurston Howell III endorses John McCain
Thurston
Howell III endorses John McCain
 Noted
billionaire Thurston Howell III of "Gilligan's Island"
fame has thrown his support behind Sen. John MCain for president.
A Harvard-educated, East Coast elitist, Mr. Howell cited
Sen. McCain's pledge to continue President Bush's tax cuts
for the wealthiest 1 percent and said he feared Sen. Barack
Obama's "mumbo jumbo" about alternative energy "could
cost me billions in oil revenue."
"McCain is a Navy man," said. Mr. Howell. "After
what he's been through, this little Wall Street meltdown doesn't
scare John McCain. And believe me, I know about spending years
as a prisoner being tormented by tedious companions."
Related story:
Gilligan
'taken out' by the CIA
Posted by John Breneman at 10:38 AM | Permalink
September 22, 2008
Brangelina to accelerate adoption binge
Brangelina to accelerate adoption binge
 By
Chris Elliott and John Breneman
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie plan to adopt a child from each
of the nations of the Pacific Rim, according to the underground
newspaper Brangelina Today.
The Pitt-Jolie child-raising dynamo intends to go alphabetically
starting with Brunei, Cambodia, Chile and Colombia and ending
some time in 2012 with Taiwan, Thailand and Vietnam -- averaging
seven per year as they expand their brood from six children
to a whopping 32.
"I sure hope Brad doesn't end up banging the Vietnamese
child like Woody Allen did," said Jolie. "Maybe
we'll adopt a boy from Hanoi."
While technically part of the Pacific Rim, the two intend
not to adopt from Australia, Russia, Canada or the United
States because those don't sound like poor countries. Pitt
was recently overheard discussing the duo's parenthood plan
with pal George Clooney on the set of "Ocean's Whatever."
"What kid wouldn't be psyched about getting yanked out
of a festering pisshole like North Korea and being raised
in luxury by movie-star parents," he said. "And
by parents, of course, I mean a team of nannies."
Brangelina's own biological children will not receive special
treatment. "Each will receive the Lamborghini of their
choice on their 16th birthday and have a teaching hospital
bearing their name in their country of origin," said
a source close to Jolie's lip stylist.
Mom to Shiloh, Knox and Vivienne (biological) Maddox, Pax
and Zahara (adopted), the gorgeous Golden Global U.N. Goodwill
ambassador is eager to expand her mini melting pot.
And the Rumor Gazette has obtained a list of possible names
for upcoming adoptees, including: Oskar, Tats, Floyd, Lara
Croft, Mombassa, Thelma, Wheezy, Rusty and Smitty.
 Also,
Pitt and Jolie may or may not be in negotiations to film a
reality TV show called "The Brangy Bunch."
Michael Jackson could not be reached for comment.
Related story:
Pitt
split: world mourns Brad-Jen apocalypse
Posted by John Breneman at 5:08 PM | Permalink
September 4, 2008
Sarah Palin goes donkey hunting at GOP convention
 Sarah
Palin goes donkey hunting at GOP convention
Two puppets -- Fox News Fox and GOP Elephant -- give you
the scoop on how Sarah Palin once slaughtered a herd of caribou
with just her bare hands and those razor-sharp, pearly-white
teeth.
WATCH:
Fox News puppet pundits
Posted by John Breneman at 9:23 AM | Permalink
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