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Kim Jong-il out for season with torn ACL
 By
John Breneman
A spokesman for Kim Jong-il would neither confirm nor deny
rumors that the enigmatic North Korean dictator may be dead,
incapacitated from a stroke, or simply recovering from one
of his legendary cognac benders.
However, ESPN reports the longtime Axis of Evil honcho has
torn his anterior cruciate ligament and could be sidelined
for the entire 2009-10 terror campaign. Still other reports
suggest he could be afflicted with pancreatic vapors, red
lung, cardiac dragons or curvature of the liver.
Questions about Kim's health arose last week when he failed
to attend the nation's 60th anniversary military parade, despite
his well-documented love of choreographed goose-stepping.
Sources say Kim was slated to hold one of the strings guiding
an enormous SpongeBob SquarePants balloon along the downtown
Pyongyang parade route.
 North
Korean state media called reports about Kim's ill health "a
western conspiracy" and "not fair and balanced."
But there are unconfirmed reports that Kim also missed the
weekly tea party he throws for his beloved parakeets.
The health concerns have sparked uncertainty about the leadership
picture in North Korea, where Kim -- much like former U.S. President
George W. Bush -- inherited the job from his dad.
Little is known about the diminutive (5' 3") leader,
who is rarely seen in public without his trademark platform
shoes, old-school Commie jumpsuits and pompadour hairstyle.
Known to friends as "KJ" and "The Donger,"
Kim rules under an official state ideology called "Juche,"
which translates roughly as "starvation and brainwashing."
Each year, to demonstrate his benevolence, Kim gives every
family three packets of Ramen noodles and a Kim Jong-il action
figure.
 His
birth in 1942 was said to be foretold by a mud dauber wasp.
Kim, who has a reputation as a cognac-guzzling playboy, claims
to have had steamy trysts with Angelina Jolie, Queen Elizabeth
and Sally Struthers. However, he denies any romantic involvement
with Bill O'Reilly or North Korean Pam Anderson impersonator
Bam Sanderson. Friends say he spends hours on Match.com trolling
for his "Seoul mate."
He is said to enjoy long walks on the beach and cognac-fueled
picnics with 12-year-old Japanese girls kidnapped by his aides.
His hobbies include needlepoint, human-rights abuse and shooting
off his missiles.
Kim, regarded as part immortal by his subjects, claims to
have invented the hyperbaric chamber, Kentucky Fried Chicken
and parts of the Internet. A seventh-degree black belt in
golf, he reports hitting 11 holes-in-one the first time he
played.
 His
favorite foods are lobster thermidor, Rice Krispies and lollipops,
and he enjoys playing American parlor games such as Yahtzee,
Battleship and Gnip Gnop.
Related stories:
Nuke
fight at the WMD Corral
Posted by John Breneman on October 2, 2009 11:17 PM
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