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Kim Jong-il out for season with torn ACL

By John Breneman

A spokesman for Kim Jong-il would neither confirm nor deny rumors that the enigmatic North Korean dictator may be dead, incapacitated from a stroke, or simply recovering from one of his legendary cognac benders.

However, ESPN reports the longtime Axis of Evil honcho has torn his anterior cruciate ligament and could be sidelined for the entire 2009-10 terror campaign. Still other reports suggest he could be afflicted with pancreatic vapors, red lung, cardiac dragons or curvature of the liver.

Questions about Kim's health arose last week when he failed to attend the nation's 60th anniversary military parade, despite his well-documented love of choreographed goose-stepping. Sources say Kim was slated to hold one of the strings guiding an enormous SpongeBob SquarePants balloon along the downtown Pyongyang parade route.

North Korean state media called reports about Kim's ill health "a western conspiracy" and "not fair and balanced." But there are unconfirmed reports that Kim also missed the weekly tea party he throws for his beloved parakeets.

The health concerns have sparked uncertainty about the leadership picture in North Korea, where Kim -- much like former U.S. President George W. Bush -- inherited the job from his dad.

Little is known about the diminutive (5' 3") leader, who is rarely seen in public without his trademark platform shoes, old-school Commie jumpsuits and pompadour hairstyle.

Known to friends as "KJ" and "The Donger," Kim rules under an official state ideology called "Juche," which translates roughly as "starvation and brainwashing." Each year, to demonstrate his benevolence, Kim gives every family three packets of Ramen noodles and a Kim Jong-il action figure.

His birth in 1942 was said to be foretold by a mud dauber wasp. Kim, who has a reputation as a cognac-guzzling playboy, claims to have had steamy trysts with Angelina Jolie, Queen Elizabeth and Sally Struthers. However, he denies any romantic involvement with Bill O'Reilly or North Korean Pam Anderson impersonator Bam Sanderson. Friends say he spends hours on trolling for his "Seoul mate."

He is said to enjoy long walks on the beach and cognac-fueled picnics with 12-year-old Japanese girls kidnapped by his aides. His hobbies include needlepoint, human-rights abuse and shooting off his missiles.

Kim, regarded as part immortal by his subjects, claims to have invented the hyperbaric chamber, Kentucky Fried Chicken and parts of the Internet. A seventh-degree black belt in golf, he reports hitting 11 holes-in-one the first time he played.

His favorite foods are lobster thermidor, Rice Krispies and lollipops, and he enjoys playing American parlor games such as Yahtzee, Battleship and Gnip Gnop.

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Posted on October 2, 2009 11:17 PM | Permalink

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