Good evening. I’m Triple-Action News anchorman Reid
Page.
Tonight – Swine flu: Friend or foe?
Despite claims that humans cannot get swine flu from pigs,
fears about a possible oink-idemic are sweeping the nation.
And – this just in – a new Internet rumor that
director Steven Spielberg contracted H1N1 from R2D2.
Neither Mr. Spielberg nor Mr. D2 could not be reached for
comment.
Questions about the swine flu outbreak abound, including
how it might impact our nation’s pork-based economy.
Fortunately, the media is rolling up its sleeves to inject
a dose of calm amid the hysteria – reporting that you
CANNOT get swine flu from corndogs, hog jowls or pigs in a
blanket. And there is no need to fear knackwurst or bratwurst,
except in a wurst-case scenario.
Epidemiologists agree that swine flu vaccine offers the best
protection, but say it comes with a risk ... of being trampled
by the mobs trying to get some.
Meanwhile, the CDC says signs of possible exposure to the
virus include rutting, oinking and speaking in Pig Latin.
To help put things in perspective, we go now to our chief
swine flu correspondent, Dr. Napoleon Hamm.
***
DR. NAPOLEON HAMM (played by a pig puppet):
Yaahh! Humans gettin’ swine flu from us pigs. That’s
hogwash, see.
Just the udder day I was down at The Sty shootin’ the
slop with a couple a sows. And one of em tells me Wolf Blitzer
sez Jimmy Dean’s under quarantine. Can’t get the
vaccine.
Agghh! I’m sicka hearin about swine flu.
Swine flu got my bruddah but it’ll never get me, see.
SNEEZES
***
ANCHORMAN REID PAGE (now sporting a pig snout):
There you have it. Human beings cannot get swine flu from
pigs.
However, just to be safe the Dept. of Homeland Security is
cautioning people to avoid unprotected relations with members
of the porcine community and warning all Americans to stay
at least seven degrees away from Kevin Bacon.
Finally, President Obama is urging the American people to
go about their daily affairs with an appropriate level of
media-fueled swine flu paranoia.
Reporting LIVE from our state-of-the-art Triple-Action Newsroom,
I’m anchorman Reid Page.
