Global economy blues

Gazette exclusives

Humor Gazette feed

Drill Sergeant loses it
(YouTube sensation!)

Handy sites (Political Humor)
Borowitz Report
Glossy News

Media Matters
New York Times
Satire Awards

« Jacko Digest: Taylor Swift stiffs Dead Jacko | Page One | Edwards admits paternity, Bush Sr. may be next »

Study: Myrrh may be hazardous to your health

By John Breneman

A report in this month's Bethlehem Journal of Medicine reveals that myrrh -- once a popular Christmas and birthday gift -- can cause a variety of ailments ranging from asthma and rickets to bubonic plague.

Complicating the apparent health risk is the fact that very few people seem to know what myrrh actually is.

However, researchers at the University of Persia claim the substance -- a bitter, resinous powder made from the sap of trees found in Somalia and Ethiopia -- causes a range of malignant conditions in laboratory rats. Further, one of the test rodents began to exhibit a messianic complex.

Scientists involved in the study claim there is also powerful anecdotal evidence to suggest that myrrh is bad for your health.

"Look, Jesus was exposed to a whole bunch of myrrh as a baby and we all know how things turned out for him," said Dr. Trey Weisman, principal researcher and co-author of the new book, "Myrrh: Get That Junk Away From Me."

Weisman warned holiday shoppers to check the labels of their perfumes and other toiletries to make sure they are myrrh-free.

But Tiffany Murtagh, who works the cosmetics counter at Wal-Mart in Milan, said no myrrh is found in any of today's most popular scents. "Myrrh is like so 2,000 years ago," said Murtagh, inviting a visitor to sample the new fragrance by rapper 50 Cent -- 50 Scent.

Compounding the potential danger, the FDA is warning that at least one death has been traced to a batch of tainted myrrh from China. The black-market Chinese myrrh is said to contain additives ranging from arsenic and asbestos to coal and reindeer feces.

In other news: "Frankincense is the new crystal meth." The addictive whitish powder can be smoked or snorted, the Humor Gazette has learned, and sources are reporting a dramatic upswing in SWAT team raids of illegal frankincense labs throughout the rural South and Midwest.

Related items:

VIDEO: Redneck Christmas CD
featuring Mr. Billy Buck Teefus,
American redneck savant

Arm yourself for
the War on Christmas
with high-tech Weapons of
Midnight Mass Destruction

"The Twelve Days of
(Gangsta) Christmas"

Holiday health tips
(Three killed in high-speed
gingerbread man chase)

Posted on December 21, 2009 9:30 AM | Permalink

Previous post: Jacko Digest: Taylor Swift stiffs Dead Jacko.

Next post: Edwards admits paternity, Bush Sr. may be next.


About the Humor Gazette