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The Dept. of Homeland Security warns that the dreaded Jason may be planning a grisly spree of violence Friday the 13th.

Homeland Security issues
'bad luck' alert for Friday 13th

By John Breneman

Memo: Jason determined to attack inside the U.S.

The Department of Homeland Security issued a "bad luck" advisory today, Friday the 13th, urging Americans to avoid the heightened threat of misfortune by protecting themselves with rabbits' feet and four-leaf clovers.

The CIA would neither confirm nor deny that it has detained thousands of black cats and taken many for interrogation at Guantanamo Bay, where they have been described as aloof and uncooperative.

Pedestrians are urged not to walk underneath ladders or step on any seemingly harmless sidewalk cracks, to minimize the risk of one's mother suffering a possible spinal injury.

Warning: Individuals resembling this police sketch may pose a threat of bad luck.

Leading economists speculate that 3.2 million of the lost or abandoned pennies scattered across the American landscape will be picked up today by people who ordinarily wouldn't waste the 10 seconds it takes to bend down for a useless one-cent piece.

The Justice Department issued a statement reminding Americans that breaking a mirror is punishable by up to seven years bad luck. President Bush began the day by rubbing Dick Cheney's head and planned to spend the afternoon playing horseshoes.

The president said Americans needn't worry about Friday the 13th because he has everything under control, but conventional wisdom suggests keeping your fingers crossed just in case.

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Posted on August 13, 2010 10:01 AM | Permalink

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