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Al Qaeda reports declining revenues in fiscal '06

By John Breneman

Al Qaeda Inc. (NYSE: AQI) reported a 3.6% drop in revenues for the fourth quarter of fiscal 2006, but an annual report released today assures shareholders that senior-level executives remain committed to their bid for a hostile takeover of humanity.

While the international terrorist consortium boasted a modest 2.6% increase in "infidel slayings," it also acknowledged increasing difficulty filling entry-level suicide bomber positions. Sources say the company may begin farming out low-level belt-bomb jobs to migrant workers from Taiwan and Mexico.

The report also noted that Al Qaeda's policy of indiscriminately blowing up innocent Iraqi woman and children may be hurting its public image.

A key part of its cost-cutting strategy for 2007 includes trimming the number of virgins promised to martyrs in the afterlife under their pension plans. So instead of being greeted in the great beyond by 72 nubile sluts, company suicide bombers might instead get three Baghdad opium ho's and a bisexual goat.

Another blow to profits was slower-than-expected sales of Qaeda's anti-American video game system -- Sunni PlayStation 3. Its 2007 product line includes T-shirts ("Coed Naked Suicide Bombers" and "Martyrs Do It in the Afterlife"), Kid Dyn-o-mite belts for "Lil' Terrorists" and an Allah action figure with Kung Fu grip.

Good riddance: Abu Musab al-Zarqawi dead
-- June 9, 2006
Bin Laden plans debut on satellite radio
-- Jan. 20, 2006
Hussein to
plead insanity

-- Nov. 28, 2005
Al-Zarqawi's approval rating falls
-- Nov. 25, 2005
Terrorists revealed
to be morons

-- July 22, 2005
London attack heightens worldwide hatred of spineless terrorist jerks
-- July 8, 2005
Suicide bombers get cold feet, call in sick
-- June 6, 2005
Mother's Day card yields clues on bin Laden
-- May 9, 2005
Bin Laden eludes Wile E. Coyote
-- March 28, 2004
Comic bomb: Bush slays 'em with WMD gag
-- March 26, 2004
Voice on latest bin Laden tape revealed to be Pee-Wee Herman
-- Nov. 19, 2002
Rebuilding Afghanistan
in our image

-- Dec. 10, 2001

Posted on December 29, 2006 10:40 PM | Permalink

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