|
« Study: Myrrh may be hazardous to your health |
Page One
| Site plug: "Runway Ready" »
Al Qaeda reports declining revenues in
fiscal '06
By John Breneman
Al Qaeda Inc. (NYSE: AQI) reported a 3.6% drop in revenues
for the fourth quarter of fiscal 2006, but an annual report
released today assures shareholders that senior-level executives
remain committed to their bid for a hostile takeover of humanity.
While the international terrorist consortium boasted a modest
2.6% increase in "infidel slayings," it also acknowledged
increasing difficulty filling entry-level suicide bomber positions.
Sources say the company may begin farming out low-level belt-bomb
jobs to migrant workers from Taiwan and Mexico.
The report also noted that Al Qaeda's policy of indiscriminately
blowing up innocent Iraqi woman and children may be hurting
its public image.
 A
key part of its cost-cutting strategy for 2007 includes trimming
the number of virgins promised to martyrs in the afterlife
under their pension plans. So instead of being greeted in
the great beyond by 72 nubile sluts, company suicide bombers
might instead get three Baghdad opium ho's and a bisexual
goat.
Another blow to profits was slower-than-expected sales of
Qaeda's anti-American video game system -- Sunni PlayStation
3. Its 2007 product line includes T-shirts ("Coed Naked
Suicide Bombers" and "Martyrs Do It in the Afterlife"),
Kid Dyn-o-mite belts for "Lil' Terrorists" and an
Allah action figure with Kung Fu grip.
Good
riddance: Abu Musab al-Zarqawi dead
-- June 9, 2006 |
Bin
Laden plans debut on satellite radio
-- Jan. 20, 2006 |
'Madman'
Hussein to
plead insanity
-- Nov. 28, 2005 |
 |
Al-Zarqawi's
approval rating falls
-- Nov. 25, 2005
|
Terrorists
revealed
to be morons
-- July 22, 2005 |
London
attack heightens worldwide hatred of spineless terrorist
jerks
-- July 8, 2005 |
|
Suicide
bombers get cold feet, call in sick
-- June 6, 2005 |
Mother's
Day card yields clues on bin Laden
-- May 9, 2005 |
Bin
Laden eludes Wile E. Coyote
-- March 28, 2004 |
|
Comic
bomb: Bush slays 'em with WMD gag
-- March 26, 2004 |
Voice
on latest bin Laden tape revealed to be Pee-Wee Herman
-- Nov. 19, 2002 |
Rebuilding
Afghanistan
in our image
-- Dec. 10, 2001 |
|
Posted on December 29, 2006 10:40 PM
| Permalink
Previous post: Study: Myrrh may be hazardous to your health.
Next post: Site plug: "Runway Ready".
|
