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« Site plug: "Runway Ready" | Page One | Bush: Best orator ever? »

Hate exercise? Hire an exorcist

By Dr. Newt Trishon

Today's topic: How to shed those unwanted pounds of blubber we all put on during the holidays.

Many noted experts say the secret is diet and exercise.

That's right, some would have you believe you must limit the amount of junk (the official nutritional term is "crap") that you shove into your piehole and ALSO find it within your lethargic soul to engage in some annoying regimen of actual physical activity.

Well, fortunately there are plenty of crackpot alternatives. For example, many people find they just don't have much of an appetite for exercise. For these torpid lard-cans, the answer is simple: Hire an exorcist.

A competent exorcist can be found in the Yellow Pages (under "Satanic consultants"). For a reasonable fee, the exorcist will summon the powers of the underworld to literally "burn those extra pounds away." And, you can eat as much charred flesh of of cloven-hoofed animals as you desire.

There are also surgical options to consider, though it is important to warn you that liposuction is for suckers and gastric bypass is passé.

Instead, try this revolutionary new method described in the January edition of the prestigious Imaginary Journal of Medicine.

It's called a Staple-Gunectomy.

Simply press the loaded staple gun against your abdomen, fix your face in a determined grimace, and fire away. Five or six staples will usually do the trick.

Of course, there are many other valid approaches to "slashing the old spare tire." The Humor Gazette Diet is a proven favorite that has survived the test of time and litigation.
Other new fad diets include:

South Pole Beach Diet: Simply go to the South Pole (be sure to pack a warm parka, some mittens and a 14-inch, whale-flaying knife). Upon arrival, set up your insulated tent on the beach at Point Barrow and just shiver those calories away. Every two months, hunt and kill a small baleen whale. Enjoy.

Fear Factor Diet: Allow yourself nothing but maggots and goat entrails for two weeks. You may eat a little the first day, but studies show your appetite will quickly fade.

Broken Jaw Diet: Simply suffer a broken jaw and have a qualified physician wire your mandible shut. Then utilize an ordinary household straw to consume your meals. Repeat as necessary.

Editor's note: Readers are invited to share diet tips and ideas for "dumping that extra kiloton" in the Comments section below.

Related stories:
The People vs. Ronald McDonald -- July 30, 2002

Ronald McDonald undergoes 'McMakeover' -- June 10, 2005

Tang, sweet Tang -- July 27, 2005

Posted on January 11, 2007 9:06 AM | Permalink

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