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Bush wants to buy my love

By John Breneman

"Dear Taxpayer:"

That's how your letter from the IRS started out back in fiscal '01.

"We are pleased to inform you..." that George W. Bush is sending you a nice juicy wad of cash. Your $300-$600 bonus is one little slice of the president's 10-year, $1.35 trillion tax cut pie.

It's whole name is the Economic Growth and Tax Relief Reconciliation Act of 2001. EGATRRA, for short. And the friendly IRS letter says this is "just the first installment of the long-term tax relief provided by the new law."

Almost everybody gets a little something, though I'm told Texas prison inmates awaiting execution are not eligible for the president's masterful "tax relief" gesture.

The IRS expects to send out 91.6 million checks totaling $39 billion, starting tomorrow with people whose Social Security numbers end in 00-09.

If you do not have a Social Security number at this time, it is not too late to run down to Wal-Mart and obtain one. Because you won't want to miss out on this important chance to "spur the economy."

The president has said his plan will provide "a shot in the arm" for the U.S. economy. "Tax relief," he has said, "is the centerpiece of our American agenda."


Tax relief, schmax relief. The Herald's crack team of political analysts tells me the real reason President Bush is doing this is because he wants us all to like him better.
So it is vitally important that we all start showing more support for the president once we receive our checks. That's because if we do, his "approval rating" will go up.

And if this particular president sees a direct correlation between sending out checks and his approval rating going up, then you can bet your brandy new $300 L.L. Bean cowboy boots that he'll figure out a way to send us more money real soon.

You see where this is heading, don't you?

I'm thinking that if Bush's approval mark keeps climbing, it'll prompt him to mail out even more money. Then pretty soon we could all be rich just like George and his buddies.
This is win-win for America.

I'd like to state for the record that if George W. Bush sends me $20,000 -- no $50,000 -- before November of 2004, I'll even vote for him in the next presidential election.

A recent survey gives an interesting look at how American taxpayers plan to spend their rebates:

2% Give to charity.
3% Start child's college education fund.
5% Spend on food and clothing for family.
9% Go on a "three-day bender."
11% Have already been swindled out of rebate money by unscrupulous "tax relief piranhas."
16% Purchase firearms and ammunition.
54% Buy a cell phone.

However, Arturo DeMaunchie, chief economist at Strawbery Banke, contends that the above plan will work best if we all use the rebate money to buy gasoline and other petroleum-based products. He also recommended buying T-shirts emblazoned with the slogan "George W. Bush is a really great guy."

Fred Nickels, a professor of Fuzzy Mathematics at the University of South Berwick, suggests you could also help "spur the economy" by purchasing that pet chimpanzee you've always wanted or by subscribing to the Portsmouth Herald.

Humor Gazette editor John Breneman is a black-belt financial analyst with offices in New York, London and Uganda.


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