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October 31, 2006

Trick-or-Treat plot foiled

Trick-or-Treat plot foiled

By John Breneman

A group of Washington D.C. fourth-graders has been charged with terrorist activities for toilet-papering the White House in a Halloween prank gone awry.

"Bring 'em on! Dead or alive!" said President Bush, who reportedly took refuge in the powder room while the alleged juvenile terrorists draped the West Wing with rolls of extra-plush Charmin.

Members of the prepubescent terror cell, whose ringleader was said to be wearing a frighteningly realistic John Kerry mask, are also being charged with illegal use of a personal hygiene product for smearing several White House windows with shaving cream. Also charged with felony trick-or-treating were: a fireman, the Geico gecko and a 4-foot-tall Osama bin Laden.

The schoolchildren, reportedly upset that the fitness-conscious president gave out apples and raisins instead of Snickers and Milk Duds, were required to submit to U.N. inspections of their candy bags.

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales ordered that the mischievous young evil-doers be blindfolded and sent to a barbed-wire holding facility in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

Unreliable sources said the pint-sized enemy combatants will bob for apples while strapped to a waterboard.

Posted by John Breneman at 12:43 PM |

October 24, 2006

Airline safety tips

Just got back from a press junket to Fort Lauderdale.
Stay tuned for a travel story later this week:

In related news, the Humor Gazette's IBS News team has obtained an exclusive copy of a controversial new airline industry safety pamphlet:

Air travel is safe and fun

Always check under your seat for terrorists before takeoff.

Never attempt to light a stick of dynamite while aboard a commercial flight.

Only a small minority of passenger flights result in a hideous "crash landing."

Just follow this simple diagram if you and the others are to have any hope of survival.

Our "Wet 'n' Wild" ocean-rafting amenity is offered free on select flights.

Life vests in first class are equipped with a tin of Pringles and a wedge of smoked brie.

Children who refuse
to "shut the hell up" should be smacked sharply on the head.

Please keep all genitalia inside your clothing for the duration of the flight.

If a terrorist should brandish a box-cutter, leap out the nearest emergency door.

Passengers are encouraged to yell "Wheeee!" while sliding to safety.

Customers may enjoy our complimentary oxygen during the death plunge.

Once the shark tears off your legs, the seat cushion keeps your bloody torso afloat.

Posted by John Breneman at 1:33 AM |

October 18, 2006

And baby makes 300 million

And baby makes 3 (hundred million)

By John Breneman

A day-old Florida crackbaby has been identified as America's 300 millionth person, according to a wild guess by the U.S. Census Bureau.

Baby 300M (his real name is being withheld so his tiny soul is not crushed by overexposure to the media) clocked in at 7:46 a.m. Tuesday to win a crate of Gerber Spinach Puree, two kilos of Johnson's Baby Powder and a year's supply of Armani silk diapers.

Unconfirmed reports place his unofficial weight at 6-9 pounds. He reportedly has no health insurance.

Thousands of women in delivery rooms across the country waged a frantic competition to pop out the lucky little one, whose baby swag bag also includes Vanilla Coke, Chocolate Pepsi, Slim Jims, Twinkies, Doritos, Cheetos, Big Macs, Froot Loops, Nike booties, Grand Theft Auto and Mortal Kombat.

Related story:
Spears baby to be named T-Bone -- Sept. 12, 2006

Posted by John Breneman at 8:40 AM |

October 13, 2006

Friday 13th advisory

The Dept. of Homeland Security warns that the dreaded Jason may be planning a grisly spree of violence Friday the 13th.

Homeland Security issues
'bad luck' alert for Friday 13th

By John Breneman

Memo: Jason determined to attack inside the U.S.

The Department of Homeland Security issued a "bad luck" advisory today, Friday the 13th, urging Americans to avoid the heightened threat of misfortune by protecting themselves with rabbits' feet and four-leaf clovers.

The CIA would neither confirm nor deny that it has detained thousands of black cats and taken many for interrogation at Guantanamo Bay, where they have been described as aloof and uncooperative.

Pedestrians are urged not to walk underneath ladders or step on any seemingly harmless sidewalk cracks, to minimize the risk of one's mother suffering a possible spinal injury.

Warning: Individuals resembling this police sketch may pose a threat of bad luck.

Leading economists speculate that 3.2 million of the lost or abandoned pennies scattered across the American landscape will be picked up today by people who ordinarily wouldn't waste the 10 seconds it takes to bend down for a useless one-cent piece.

The Justice Department issued a statement reminding Americans that breaking a mirror is punishable by up to seven years bad luck. President Bush began the day by rubbing Dick Cheney's head and planned to spend the afternoon playing horseshoes.

The president said Americans needn't worry about Friday the 13th because he has everything under control, but conventional wisdom suggests keeping your fingers crossed just in case.

Posted by John Breneman at 8:35 AM |

October 10, 2006

N.Korea go boom

UN to put N.Korea on double secret probation

By John Breneman

As the United Nations mulls issuing him a "timeout," North Korean mini-dictator Kim Jong-Il today warned of more nuclear monkey business unless President Bush apologizes for calling him a "pygmy."

Kim, who is 5-foot-3 but stands 6-foot-4 in his platform shoes and freakish bouffant hairdo, may yet be spanked with sanctions for his rude, uninvited entry into the nuclear club.

Despite facing possible UN double secret probation, Kim celebrated his nuclear no-no by throwing a lavish Johnny Walker-fueled orgy for himself and six dozen teenage concubines.

"What's with those Islamic morons and their 72 virgins in the afterlife? I do that every Friday with the Joy Brigade," he said of his harem of sex slaves.

Kim, who like President Bush inherited power from his father, also threw a weekend parade in Pyongyang, where he clapped along while his 1,000-piece military marching band played "For He's a Jongy Good Fellow."

New polls show that his approval rating has risen to 106%, up from a low of 100%.

Known as "Dear Leader" among his brainwashed, malnourished subjects, Kim said that after his nuclear triumph he will also answer to "Fission Magician" and "Doomsday McMushroom-Cloud."

Related stories:

Angelina Jolie romantically linked to Kim Jong Il

Iran develops bird flu bomb

Cheney accidentally detonates nuclear weapon

Iran agrees to nuclear talks, but not nuke-u-lar

Gunfight at the WMD Corral -- Feb. 11 2005

Posted by John Breneman at 9:46 PM | | Comments (2)

October 4, 2006

Hulk denies steroid use

Incredible Hulk implicated in steroid probe

By John Breneman

Noted superhero The Incredible Hulk reportedly has been named in a federal affidavit fingering several top pro baseball players for alleged steroid use.

Attorneys for the comic book icon -- best known for his bright green skin, bulging musculature and brooding, surly disposition -- say they have encouraged their client to cooperate with the probe but warned that harsh questioning might trigger his legendarily explosive temper.

The Hulk has repeatedly denied using illegal substances, attributing his overdeveloped physique to a "laboratory accident" involving exposure to "gamma rays." But sources say Captain America will testify that he once injected the Hulk's buttocks with a substance called Mutant Growth Hormone.

The chairman of the House panel conducting the hearings questioned the Hulk's credibility, pointing out that he exhibits many of the classic signs of steroid abuse, including unusual skin conditions, cartoonesque brawn and volatile mood swings sometimes called "roid rage."

"Mr. Hulk is admired as a role model by many children and his failure to come clean sends the wrong message," said Rep. Tom Davis, R-Virginia. "We don't want impressionable young kids thinking it's cool to go around smashing in people's skulls and flipping over automobiles."

The House panel is calling for a strict policy designed to end steroid use among comic book heroes. Superman could not be reached for comment.

Steroids infiltrating Washington, Wall Street
Santa Claus denies use of performance-enhancing drugs

Posted by John Breneman at 8:55 AM |

October 2, 2006

Owens addicted to publicity

Owens mulls rehab
for publicity addiction

By John Breneman

Experts say Terrell Owens' recent non-suicide attempt may have been a cry for help from a man whose brain is afflicted with a malignant, metastasizing ego.

The Dallas Cowboys superstar is so addicted to the limelight, said one psychologist, that if the chronic swelling of his head is left untreated, he risks overdosing on his own toxic narcissism.

So will T.O. seek treatment?

"Nah," said a source close to one of Owens' nine full-time publicists. "That's just a rumor he started to keep the spotlight on. Know what I'm sayin'? T.O. is takin' 'Me' to the next level."

Owens, who recently underwent surgery for a broken bone in his right hand, played well in Sunday's 45-14 victory over Tennessee.

A source close to his third-string mirror polisher said Owens had planned a new touchdown dance in which he "accidentally" flashes his left breast. However, Owens failed to score, leading pundits to predict a high-profile publicity stunt with the next 24 hours.

With the Terrell Alert Level on "High," there is widespread speculation that Owens may try to get some TV time by smuggling a weapon onto an airplane or snapping at Fox News reporter Chris Wallace. A source close to Owens' teeth-whitening specialist said T.O. is set to announce that he is the true father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby.

Editor's note: Other sources consulted for this report include the ghost writer of Owens' fourth autobiography, the guy who rubs baby oil on T.O.'s abs and the therapist who tries to keep Dallas coach Bill Parcells' head from exploding.

Posted by John Breneman at 8:08 AM |

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