winner Kerry urged to avoid ketchup stains
By John Breneman
Sen. John Kerry won a convincing victory in the New Hampshire
primary on Tuesday, prompting pundits to say the only way
he could lose the Democratic nomination now is if he gave
a ranting speech punctuated with an unnerving scream.
Kerry's handlers have also advised him to avoid cursing,
belching and phony-looking Harley Davidson photo-ops as the
race moves to South Carolina and beyond.
"One accidental fart on national television could be
the soundbite, or 'smellbite' if you will, that could derail
the front-runner," said media analyst Joe Mentum. "Howard
Dean has proven that one embarrassing misstep, replayed on
cable news 145 million times, is all it takes to change the
entire campaign landscape."
Kerry also has been cautioned about making lame jokes, getting
ketchup on his shirt and spending too much time with Teddy
Though he says it is "too early" to talk about
potential running mates, sources say Kerry may look past the
usual suspects like Sen. John Edwards to consider a pretend
politician like Martin Sheen, Will Ferrell or Wesley Clark.
Howard Dean finished second in New Hampshire, followed by
Clark, Edwards and Joe Lieberman, but notoriously cantankerous
Granite State voters showed their displeasure at the entire
Democratic slate by casting write-in votes for Portsmouth
Mayor Evelyn Sirrell, Patriots football coach Bill Belichick
and political newcomer Michael Jackson, coming of his surprise
victory in the Iowa caucuses.
Election interpreter Chad Counter, commenting on the results
of an exit poll conducted at Exit 14 on I-93, said New Hampshire
citizens used their votes to convey a range of emotions: "anger,
hunger for change, fear and loathing, bewilderment, angst
and unbridled sexual desire."
N.H. voters crushed in primary stampede
By John Breneman
Some election analysts predict a low turnout in today's first-in-the-nation
primary, saying voters in New Hampshire are so physically
and intellectually battered by round-the-clock campaigning
that many may lack the strength just to drag themselves to
"Wes Clark's people called me 14 times last night. I
couldn't get any sleep," said Reggie Sturdvoter, adding
that Howard Dean shook his hand so vigorously that the resulting
torn ligaments may prevent him from voting.
Several Portsmouth residents reported minor injuries from
being jostled amid boisterous factions of sign-waving campaigners
and one downtown resident said he sustained inner ear damage
from the nonstop howling and horn-honking just outside his
Another factor that may affect turnout, pollsters say, is
the high number of prospective voters who've simply wandered
off the campaign trail in search of more peaceful terrain.
One such man didn't get very far.
"I tried heading for the high country, but John Kerry
cut me off on a Harley and asked if I thought he was cool
enough to beat Bush," said Hampton resident Archie Stump.
Many Granite State residents say they are eager to perform
their civic duty but are confused about who to vote for.
"I like that guy that yelled and squealed, but now they
say he's no good cause he yelled and squealed," said
Chad Puncher of Exeter. "Maybe I should vote for that
cute young southern boy or that rich older fellow who says
he cares but looks like he doesn't."
While the Democrats clash over who is best suited to knock
President Bush out of the White House, each campaign appeared
to share the view of a Kucinich spokesman who said, "We're
confident that if we can just get enough people to stand on
the street corner waving signs, freezing their asses off and
yelling 'Woooooo!' at the top of their lungs, we'll be able
to win this thing."
Kerry held a double-digit lead over Dean, but both men trailed
the 52 percent of voters who said the first-in-the-nation
primary is fun and everything but now wish the candidates,
their entourages and the media would just "shut up and
get the hell out of New Hampshire."