Crazy chatter from Osama

Easter Bunny detained

White House smears Gazette

Bush's comic bomb

Congress whacks obscenity

Steroids infiltrate Washington, Wall Street

Crash-test dummies endorse Nader

USA Today lists Humor Gazette in "Hot Sites"

Michael Moore cites Gazette in March 4 "Must Read"

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March 1

On this day in 1961, President Kennedy established the Peace Corps, creating thousands of low-wage jobs in backwater countries.

On this day in 1966, a movement to clean up government in Syria leads to a takeover by the Bubble Ba'ath Party.

Today's Birthdays:

Roger Daltrey, 60: rock singer with the Who, hits include "My Penetration" and "The Kids Are All White."

Ron Howard, 50: actor-director, plans to remake his 1950s hits for the modern era in "Unhappy Daze" and "Anti-American Grafitti."

Catherine Bach, 50: actress, played a radioactive hillbilly sex object in "The Nukes of Hazzard."

March 2

On this day in 1917, residents of Puerto Rico were granted second-class U.S. citizenship.

On this day in 1977, the U.S. House of Representatives adopted a code of ethics stating no member shall accept payoffs in excess of $250,000 for any single vote.

Today's Birthdays:

Theodor Giesel (1904-1991): aka Dr. Seuss, wrote the children's classics "How the Grinch Stole Chanukah," "Green Eggs and Hamlet" and "Yertle the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle."

Mikhail S. Gorbachev, 73: former Soviet president, now pens a weekly advice column called "Ask Gorby."

Tom Wolfe, 73: author, best known for "The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Testicle."

John Irving, 62: author, wrote "Crack House Rules" and "The World According to Garth Brooks."

March 3

On this day in 1845, Florida gained acceptance to the union as "The Arthritis State."

On this day in 1931, Congress voted to make "The Star-Spangled Banner" the official U.S. national anthem, replacing the former anthem "Rock and Roll, Part 2" by Gary Glitter.

Today's Birthdays:

Alexander Graham Bell (1847-1922): noted genius, inventor of the telephone bill.

Jackie Joyner-Kersee, 42: Olympic track and field gold medalist, first U.S. woman to jump over Oprah Winfrey in competition.

Jessica Biel, 22: actress: starred in the 2003 remake of the "Craftsman Chainsaw Massacre."

March 4

On this day in 1681, King Charles II granted a royal charter to William Penn in return for season passes to all Penn State football games.

On this day in 1861, Abraham Lincoln was sworn in as president, with lifelong friend Jed Clampett by his side.

Today's Birthdays:

Knute Rockne (1888-1931): legendary Notre Dame football coach, best known for his famous pep talk, "Win one for the stripper."

Patricia Heaton, 45: actress, stars as the wife of a wisecracking wheelchair-bound detective in "Everybody Loves Raymond Burr."

March 5

On this day in 1770, British troops killed five colonists in the infamous "Boston Chainsaw Massacre."

On this day in 1970, a nuclear nonproliferation treaty was ratified by 43 nations, but Iraq's representative at the signing had his fingers crossed behind his back.

On this day in 1953, Soviet dictator Josef Stalin died at age 73 while dusting windows when his skull was crushed by an iron curtain.

On this day in 1973, singer Robert Flack was #1 on the charts with "Killing Me Softly at Ping-Pong."

Today's Birthdays:

Rex Harrison (1908-1990): actor, turned a rough Cockney girl into a poised and refined porn star in "My Bare Lady."

Eugene Fodor, 54: violinist, best known for his risqué version Paganini's "Sex and Violins in 36D Minor."

Andy Gibb, 46: singer, former host of the music TV show "Solid Mold."

March 6

On this day in 1853, Verdi's famous opera "La Traviata" made its debut on Pay-Per-View in Venice, Italy.

On this day in 1991, President Bush announced he had put an end to Iraq's "naked aggression" by passing a tough international anti-obscenity law.

Today's Birthdays:

Michelangelo (1475-1564): Renaissance man; painter, sculptor and linebacker; also an accomplished butcher, baker and candlestick maker.

David Gilmour, 60: singer with Pink Floyd, hit #1 on the Maine charts with "Dark Side of the Moose."

Rob Reiner, 59: filmmaker, directed "A Few Good Meatheads" and "When Harry Reasoner Met Sally Jesse Raphael."

March 7

On this day in 1850, Daniel Webster debated the Devil in a Senate Ethics Committee hearing on politicians selling their souls.

On this day in 1876, Alexander Graham Bell received a patent for his telephone and immediately called mom on his Nokia wireless cellular to tell her the good news.

On this day in 1933, the game Monopoly was invented in a dingy hotel room on Baltic Avenue.

Today's Birthdays:

Willard Scott, 70: TV weatherman, won the right to be annoyingly cheerful in the Supreme Court's 1857 Willard Scott decision.

Daniel J. Travanti, 64: actor, played a police captain trying to wipe out Communism within his precinct in "Hill Street Reds."

Michael Eisner, 62: Walt Disney Co. executive, once fined Mickey Mouse $50,000 for "conduct unbecoming a world-famous animated rodent."

March 8

On this day in 1874, 13th president Millard Fillmore died in Buffalo, N.Y, after wolfing down a bad batch of Scorchy's Seven-Alarm Buffalo Wings.

On this day in 1913, jack-booted government goons levied the first U.S. income tax.

On this day in 1996, Dr. Jack Kevorkian was acquitted of assisted suicide after yelling at a despondent man stand on a 12th-story ledge to "jump."

Today's Birthdays:

Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr. (1841-1935): Supreme Court Justice, not the great great grandfather of porn star John "The Wad" Holmes.

Cyd Charisse, 81: actress-dancer, starred in "Singin' in the Acid Rain."

Mickey Dolenz, 59: part of a pop music laboratory experiment called the Rhesus Monkees.

Kathy Ireland, 41: model, appeared on the cover of "Flesh Illustrated."

March 9

On this day in 1975, construction began on the Alaska pipeline to help satisfy the nation's growing demand for environmental degradation.

On this day in 1862, the famous Civil War battle between the Monitor and the Merrimac ended when both ships ran out of heat-seeking ballistic missiles.

On this day in 1959, the Barbie doll made her debut, as did her kinky, leather-clad twin Barbarella.

Today's Birthdays:

Amerigo Vespucci (1451-1512): Italian explorer, set sail in 1499 to see if he could find a new hemisphere to name after himself.

Yuri Gagarin (1934-1968): cosmonaut, in 1961 became the first man to fire back vodka jello shots in a zero-gravity atmosphere.

Juliette Binoche, 40: actress, won Oscar for "The English Gonorrhea Patient."

March 10

On this day in 1496, Christopher Columbus ended his second visit to the New World after a winter of snorkeling, beach volleyball and pillaging in the Bahamas.

On this day in 1864, the Union signed free agent Gen. Ulysses S. Grant to a two-year deal worth a reported $15 million.

On this day in 1880, arriving from England with drool collection kettles was the Salivation Army.

Today's Birthdays:

Chuck Norris, 64: actor, played a B-movie president in "George Walker Bush: Texas Ranger."

Shannon Tweed, 47: actress, former Playboy Sex Object of the Year, played Bambi Busterson in "Busty Air-Brushed Bimbos on Beach Blanket Island."

Sharon Stone, 46: actress, played a boy band groupie in "Basic N'Sync" and a gun-fighting flower child in "The Quick and the Grateful Dead."

Shannon Miller, 27: Olympic gold medalist, first gymnast to perform a Triple Sharon Stone in Olympic competition.

March 11

On this day in 1888, the infamous "Blizzard of '88" hit the northeastern U.S. with 88 inches of snow, killing 88 in an 88-car pileup on Interstate-88.

On this day in 1824, the Bureau of Indian Affairs was established (motto: "to better screw the red man").

On this day in 1942, Gen. Douglas MacArthur left the Philippines during World War II to "get some smokes" but vowed, "I shall return."

Today's Birthdays:

Lawrence Welk (1903-1992): bandleader, famous for his tepid "Champagne Muzak."

Antonin Scalia, 68: Supreme Court justice, hobbies include blasting birdies with VP Dick Cheney.

Bobby McFerrin, 54: singer, best known for his hit song "Don't Worry, Be Very Afraid."

March 12

On this day in 1951, a comic strip debuted about a mischievous heavily armed ghetto imp, "Dennis the Menace 2 Society."

On this day in 1999, Hungary, Poland and the Czech Republic joined NATO, receiving a complimentary toaster oven and a one-year supply of free speech.

On this day in 1664, New Jersey became an English colony when King Charles II granted the land to his brother, the Duke of Exit 15.

Today's Birthdays:

Kemal Ataturk (1881-1938): founder of the modern Turkish Taffy Empire.

Jack Kerouac (1922-1969): author, wrote of his mad adventures with Wile E. Coyote in "On the Roadrunner."

Liza Minnelli, 58: actress-singer, earned Oscar nomination as best supporting insect for "The Sterile Cockroach."

James Taylor, 56: singer-songwriter, hits include "Sweet Baby James Cagney."

Jon Provost, 54: actor, played Timmy in the "Lassie" TV series and in the X-rated film "Lassie's Tango in Paris."

March 13

On this day in 1781, astronomer Sir William Herschel discovered Uranus, better known today as "the Ass Planet."

On this day in 1930, India's Mahatma Gandhi continued a 200-mile march to protest a British tax on his beloved Humpty Dumpty salt and vinegar potato chips.

On this day in 1925, Tennessee prohibited the teaching of evolution, as officials there reaffirmed their belief that life began with a "big bang" on the planet Uranus.

Today's Birthdays:

Neil Sedaka, 65: somnambulant singer-songwriter, hit #1 in 1962 with "Waking Up is Hard To Do."

Charo, 53: noted middle-aged T&A.

Annabeth Gish, 33: actress, starred in "Ballistic Pizza."

March 14

On this day in 1794, Eli Whitney patented his cotton gin, then celebrated by knocking back a dozen stiff cotton gin and tonics.

On this day in 1743, Boston conducted the nation's first town meeting at Faneuil Hall, where citizens voted on new "I Love Boston" T-shirts and Cheers Bar souvenirs.

On this day in 1923, Warren G. Harding became the first president to file an income tax report, but got whacked by the IRS for failing to declare revenue he made renting out the Lincoln Bedroom.

Today's Birthdays:

Albert Einstein (1879-1955): furthered mankind's understanding of his own foolishness with the Theory of Relative Idiocy.

Michael Caine, 71: actor, won Oscar as a sadistic cow-killer in "Slaughterhouse Rules," also starred in "Jack Klugman the Ripper" and "Educating Rita Moreno."

Billy Crystal, 57: comedian, starred opposite Meg Ryan and Clint Eastwood in "When Dirty Harry Met Sally."

March 15

On this day in 1820, Maine became the nation's 23rd state, but when President James Monroe requested a tour he was told, "You can't get there from here."

On this day in 44 B.C., Roman dictator Julius Caesar was assassinated by a knife-wielding assailant on a grassy knoll.

On this day in 1964, Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton were married; their pre-nuptial agreement stated that in the event of divorce they would evenly split all the gold and treasures of the Nile.

Today's Birthdays:

Andrew "Action" Jackson (1767-1845): seventh U.S. president, got juiced on Southern Comfort at his infamous 1829 inaugural toga party.

Ruth Ginsburg, 71: Supreme Court justice, former protégé of Judge Wapner of "The People's Supreme Court."

Mike Love, 63: singer with the Beach Boys, famous for their seismic pop hits "California Tremors" and "Bad Vibrations."

Fabio, 43: model, appears on the cover of romance novels like "Pulsating Bodice" and "Gone With the Corset."

March 16

On this day in 1850, Nathaniel Hawthorne published his famous novel of adultery and international terrorism, "The Scarlet Letter Bomb."

On this day in 1802, the U.S. Military Academy at West Point was established under the leadership of the legendary military hero G.I. Joe.

On this day in 1957, "The Gumby Show" made its TV debut and was a smash hit until Gumby quit to produce a claymation" western he called "Gumsmoke."

Today's Birthdays:

Jerry Lewis, 79: comedian, starred as an atomic bomb-making loser in "The Nutty Nuclear Physics Professor."

Nancy Wilson, 50: rock musician with Heart, hits include "Lazy on You" and "Dreamboat Granny."

Flavor Flav, 45: rapper with Pubic Enema, best known for the anti-nuke anthem "Fight the Power Plant."

March 17

On this day in 1906, President Theodore Roosevelt first used the term "muckrake" in a speech in Washington, where he also coined the term "media jackals."

On this day in 1941, the National Gallery of Art opened in Washington D.C. with a controversial exhibit of crude oil paintings by OPEC's most gifted artists.

Today's Birthdays:

Bobby Jones (1902-1971): golfing legend, winner of the coveted Grand Salami at the 1931 Italian Open.

Nat "King" Cole (1919-1965): noted merry old soul.

Rudolf Nureyev (1938-1993): ballet legend, set world indoor jete record at the 1968 Ballet Olympics in Mexico City by staying aloft for one minute, 14 seconds.

Gary Sinise, 49: actor, starred as the guy with no legs in "Forrest Stump."

Rob Lowe, 40: actor, starred in "Tickle Me Elmo's Fire."

March 18

On this day in 1922, after withering from 141 lbs. down to 96 during a hunger strike, Mahatma Gandhi was sentenced to prison for "shrivel disobedience."

On this day in 1931, Schick began marketing the first electric razor, touting a "triple-action" blade that leaves three layers of lacerations instead of just one.
On this day in 1995, Michael Jordan announced his return to basketball after a 17-month break to pursue his childhood dream of becoming the greatest shoe salesman of all time.

Today's Birthdays:

Peter Graves, 78: actor, played a secret agent battling erectile dysfunction in the hit TV drama "Emission Impossible."

Queen Latifah, 34: rapper-actress, played John Travolta's ho in "Saturday Night Jungle Fever."

March 19

On this day in 1931, the Nevada State Legislature overcame 3-to-1 odds and voted to legalize gambling.

On this day in 1951, Herman Wouk published his acclaimed novel about a North Pole uprising, "The Candy Cane Mutiny."

Today's Birthdays:

Ursula Andress, 68: actress, starred in the James Bond-Woody Allen collaboration "What's New, Pussy Galore?"

Glenn Close, 57: actress, starred in the pregnancy-themed movies "The Big Pill" and "Fetal Attraction."

Bruce Willis, 49: actor, star of the Easter action film "Dye Hard-Boiled Eggs."

March 20

On this day in 1852, Harriet Beecher Stowe published her novel about the horrors of upper middle-class slavery, "Uncle Tom's Condo."

On this day in 1952, cool Humphrey Bogart won an Oscar for "African Dairy Queen," beating out sweaty Marlon Brando in "A Streetcar Named Perspire."

On this day in 1969, John Lennon married Yoko Ono, prompting Beatles' fans to moan, "Oh no."

Today's Birthdays:

Fred Rogers (1928-2003): TV star, played an amiable, cardigan-clad rock star on "Mr. Roger Daltreys' Neighborhood."

Spike Lee, 47: filmmaker, directed the tense Muslim ghetto drama "Do the Shiite Thing."

Holly Hunter, 46: actress, received Oscar recognition for "Broadcast Noose" and "The Piano 2: Revenge in D Minor."

March 21

On this day in 1996, General Motors and the United Auto Workers settled a 17-day strike during which only 4,000 vehicles were shipped without brakes.

On this day in 1790, Thomas "T-Bone" Jefferson was named President Washington's Secretary of Steak and was promptly grilled about the meaty issues of the day.

Today's Birthdays:

Johann Sebastian Bach (1685-1750): composer, wrote the Bachman Turner Overdrive hit song "Takin' Care of Business in D Minor."

Matthew Broderick, 42: actor, starred with Robert Redford in "Ferris Bueller and the Sundance Kid."

Rosie O'Donnell, 42: comedian-actress, played a manly female baseball player in "A League of Their Testosterone."

March 22

On this day in 1765, England enacted the Tramp Act, imposing a stiff tax on prostitution in the colonies. Outraged harlots protested by throwing the notorious Boston T&A Party.

On this day in 1882, Congress made polygamy illegal. The Legislature also voted to outlaw pollywogs, polytheism and space-age polymers.

Today's Birthdays:

Marcel Marceau, 81: noted mime, has been trapped inside an imaginary box since 1963.

William Shatner, 73: actor, suffers degenerative vulcanitis from getting "beamed up" too many times.

Andrew Lloyd Webber, 56: composer, best known for the automotive musicals "Phantom of the Acura" and "Jesus Christ's Super Car."

Reese Witherspoon, 28: actress, played a reformed hillbilly in "Sweet Home Appalachia" and Mrs. Dagwood Bumstead in "Legally Blondie."

March 23

On this day in 1775, Patrick Henry issued his famous plea for an American revolution scored with a flamboyant piano soundtrack, stating "Give me Liberace or give me death."

On this day in 1919, Benito Mussolini issued his famous plea for political oppression in Italy, stating "Give me Facism, or give me death."

Today's Birthdays:

Joan Crawford (1904-1977): actress, starred in "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane Fonda?"

Akira Kurosawa (1910-1998): filmmaker, directed "Diaper Rashoman" and "The Seven Salmon on Rye."

Ric Ocasek, 55: rock singer with The Cars, promoted anti-drug message in songs like "Just What I Needled" and "Let's Blow."

Amanda Plummer, 47: actress, won Tony as a nun with mafia ties, "Agnes of Godfather."

March 24

On this day in 1934, President Franklin Roosevelt signed a bill granting independence to the Philippines in exchange for a lifetime supply of Manila envelopes.

On this day in 1955, opening on Broadway was Tennessee Williams' new political drama, "Democrat on a Hot Tin Roof."

On this day in 1958, rock singer Elvis Presley was inducted into the Army and soon led U.S. troops to victory in the Battle of Blue Hawaii.

Today's Birthdays:

Harry Houdini (1874-1926): magician and escape artist, once escaped from an "iron-clad lockbox" constructed by Al Gore's grandfather.

Thomas E. Dewey (1902-1971): politician, his 1948 presidential run, backed by Huey Long and Louis Armstrong, featured the slogan "Huey, Dewey and Louie."

Robert Carradine, 50: actor, starred as a fraternity brother who teaches Saddam Hussein a lesson in "Revenge of the Kurds."

Alyson Hannigan, 30: actress, starred with rap star P. Diddy in "Puffy the Vampire Slayer."

March 25

On this day in 1821, Greek patriots got up off their couches and sofas to launch a revolt against the Ottoman Empire.

On this day in 1965, the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. led 25,000 marchers to the Alabama state capitol, demanding the right to urinate in "whites only" drinking fountains.

On this day in 1991, seven Oscars were awarded to the epic western-horror movie starring Kevin Costner and Boris Karloff, "Dances With Werewolves."

Today's Birthdays:

Sir David Lean (1908-1991): filmmaker, directed "Lawrence Welk of Arabia" and "Fridge on the River Kwai."

Gloria Steinem, 69: noted feminist, original publisher of "Ms" magazine and its sista publication "Ho."

Aretha Franklin, 62: singer, hit #1 with her classic duet with Rodney Dangerfield, "No Respect."

Elton John, 57: singer, hits include the pro-military pop tune "Bennie and the F-16 Fighter Jets."

March 26

On this day in 1827, legendary composer Ludwig van Beethoven died in Vienna; he was promptly buried but has been known on occasion to roll over.

On this day in 1892, poet Walt Whitman died in Camden, N.J., after a tragic explosion in his Whitman Sampler candy factory.

On this day in 1981, a jury awarded Carol Burnett $1.6 million from a libelous "National Enquirer" story reporting that the crack-smoking entertainer moonlighted as a mafia godmother and a drug cartel kingpin.

Today's Birthdays:

Tennessee Williams (1911-1983): playwright, born in Mississippi, where childhood friends included Virginia Slim, Washington Irving and Minnesota Fats.

Sandra Day O'Connor, 74: Supreme Court Justice, wrote the minority opinion in "Mothers Against Drunk Driving v. Joe Six-Pack."

Diana Ross, 60: singer with the Supremes, hit the bottom of the charts with "Ain't No Gutter Low Enough."

Steven Tyler, 56: rock singer with filty-rich Aerosmith, struck gold with "Rats in the Wine Cellar" "Toys in the Penthouse" and "Limousine Kept a Rollin'."

March 27

On this day in 1794, Congress authorized creation of the U.S. Navy, as well as a zany auxiliary force called McHale's Navy.

On this day in 1512, Spanish explorer Juan Ponce de Leon discovered the Fountain of Duluth in Minnesota.

On this day in 1998, the FDA approved the drug Viagra and spokesman Bob Dole promised users they would be "hung like an elephant."

Today's Birthdays:

Wilhelm Konrad Roentgen (1845-1923): Nobel prize scientist, discovered the X-ray, also invented the Q-Tip, the T-shirt and the G-thang.

Quentin Tarantino, 41: filmmaker, best known for his comically violent film about orange juice, "Pulp Fiction."

Mariah Carey, 34: singer, hit #1 with "Always Be My Booty."

March 28

On this day in 1991, former President Reagan voiced support for the so-called "Brady Bill" requiring a seven-day waiting period before buying "Brady Bunch" reruns on video.

On this day in 2000, the U.S. Supreme Court sharply curtailed police power to pistol-whip people for saying "Is there a problem, officer?"

Today's Birthdays:

Edmund S. Muskie (1914-1996): U.S. politician known for splashing on Musk cologne to achieve his musky aura.

Dianne Wiest, 56: actress, won Oscars for Woody Allen's little-known investment banker films "Bullish Over Broadway" and "Hannah and Her Dividends."

Salt , 35: rapper with Salt-N-Pepa, got her nickname from participating in the Strategic Arms Limitation Talks (SALT) in Helsinki, Finland.

March 29

On this day in 1979, the House Select Committee on Grassy Knolls reported that JFK, RFK, and MLK may have all been killed by the FBI or CIA.

On this day in 1951, the Oscar for best picture went to Joseph Mankiewicz's "All About Evel Knievel."

On this day in 1638, colonists from Sweden settled in present-day Delaware, where they built the nation's first Swedish meatball factory.

Today's Birthdays:

Sam Walton (1918-1992): founder of Wal-Mart, also made his presence felt on Wal-Street.

Eugene McCarthy, 88: ventriloquist politician known for controversial anti-war statements made by his wooden dummy, Charlie McCarthy.

Elle Macpherson, 40: model, posed in the news for "NewsCheek" and appeared on the March 2003 cover of "Cover."

Lucy Lawless, 36: actress, best known for her portrayal of the dainty princess in "Xena: Warrior Princess and the Pea."

March 30

On this day in 1822, Florida became a U.S. territory following a lengthy "Wet T-Shirt Filibuster." The "Spring Break State" would join the union in 1845.

On this day in 1964, the TV quiz show "Jeopardy" made its debut, as original host Art Fleming spent the first five years reminding befuddled contestants to "put their answer in the form of a question."

Today's Birthdays:

Warren Beatty, 66: actor-director, played a ruthless Budweiser thief in "Bonnie and Clydesdale."

Eric Clapton, 59: rock musician, hit songs include "After Midlife."

Paul Reiser, 47: actor, starred as a man who loved a sheep in the popular TV sitcom "Mad About Ewe."

Celine Dion, 36: singer, quit a titanic solo career to record a remake of "Runaround Sue" with Dion and the Belmonts.

March 31

On this day in 1945, Tennessee Williams premiered his new drama about the emotional struggle between Gulf, Exxon and Mobile, "The Gas Menagerie."

On this day in 1959, the Dalai Lama fled Tibet cleverly disguised as the hind end of a llama named Dolly.

Today's Birthdays:

Rene Descartes (1596-1650): philosopher-redneck, coined the saying "Cogito ergo sumbitch."

Gordie Howe, 76: hockey great known for his elegant yet functional line of K-Mart false teeth.

Herb Alpert, 69: musician known for his powerful Tijuana Brass Knuckles.

Christopher Walken, 61: actor, won Oscar in 1978 as a psycho who stalks a famous advice columnist in "Dear Abby Hunter."

Ewan McGregor, 33: actor, starred as a drug-addled youth who hallucinates that he is Huckleberry Finn in "Twainspotting."