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This Day in Revisionist History
March 1
On this day in 1961, President Kennedy established the Peace
Corps, creating thousands of low-wage jobs in backwater countries.
On this day in 1966, a movement to clean up government in
Syria leads to a takeover by the Bubble Ba'ath Party.
Today's Birthdays:
Roger Daltrey, 60: rock singer with the Who, hits include
"My Penetration" and "The Kids Are All White."
Ron Howard, 50: actor-director, plans to remake his 1950s
hits for the modern era in "Unhappy Daze" and "Anti-American
Grafitti."
Catherine Bach, 50: actress, played a radioactive hillbilly
sex object in "The Nukes of Hazzard."
March 2
On this day in 1917, residents of Puerto Rico were granted
second-class U.S. citizenship.
On this day in 1977, the U.S. House of Representatives adopted
a code of ethics stating no member shall accept payoffs in
excess of $250,000 for any single vote.
Today's Birthdays:
Theodor Giesel (1904-1991):
aka Dr. Seuss, wrote the children's classics "How the
Grinch Stole Chanukah," "Green Eggs and Hamlet"
and "Yertle the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle."
Mikhail S. Gorbachev, 73: former Soviet president, now pens
a weekly advice column called "Ask Gorby."
Tom Wolfe, 73: author, best known for "The Electric
Kool-Aid Acid Testicle."
John Irving, 62: author, wrote "Crack House Rules"
and "The World According to Garth Brooks."
March 3
On this day in 1845, Florida gained acceptance to the union
as "The Arthritis State."
On this day in 1931, Congress voted to make "The Star-Spangled
Banner" the official U.S. national anthem, replacing
the former anthem "Rock and Roll, Part 2" by Gary
Glitter.
Today's Birthdays:
Alexander Graham Bell (1847-1922): noted genius, inventor
of the telephone bill.
Jackie Joyner-Kersee, 42: Olympic track and field gold medalist,
first U.S. woman to jump over Oprah Winfrey in competition.
Jessica Biel, 22: actress: starred in the 2003 remake of
the "Craftsman Chainsaw Massacre."
March 4
On this day in 1681, King Charles II granted a royal charter
to William Penn in return for season passes to all Penn State
football games.
On this day in 1861, Abraham Lincoln was sworn in as president,
with lifelong friend Jed Clampett by his side.
Today's Birthdays:
Knute Rockne (1888-1931): legendary Notre Dame football coach,
best known for his famous pep talk, "Win one for the
stripper."
Patricia Heaton, 45: actress, stars as the wife of a wisecracking
wheelchair-bound detective in "Everybody Loves Raymond
Burr."
March 5
On this day in 1770, British troops killed five colonists
in the infamous "Boston Chainsaw Massacre."
On this day in 1970, a nuclear nonproliferation treaty was
ratified by 43 nations, but Iraq's representative at the signing
had his fingers crossed behind his back.
On this day in 1953, Soviet dictator Josef Stalin died at
age 73 while dusting windows when his skull was crushed by
an iron curtain.
On this day in 1973, singer Robert Flack was #1 on the charts
with "Killing Me Softly at Ping-Pong."
Today's Birthdays:
Rex Harrison (1908-1990): actor, turned a rough Cockney girl
into a poised and refined porn star in "My Bare Lady."
Eugene Fodor, 54: violinist, best known for his risqué
version Paganini's "Sex and Violins in 36D Minor."
Andy Gibb, 46: singer, former host of the music TV show "Solid
Mold."
March 6
On this day in 1853, Verdi's famous opera "La Traviata"
made its debut on Pay-Per-View in Venice, Italy.
On this day in 1991, President Bush announced he had put
an end to Iraq's "naked aggression" by passing a
tough international anti-obscenity law.
Today's Birthdays:
Michelangelo (1475-1564): Renaissance man; painter, sculptor
and linebacker; also an accomplished butcher, baker and candlestick
maker.
David Gilmour, 60: singer with Pink Floyd, hit #1 on the
Maine charts with "Dark Side of the Moose."
Rob Reiner, 59: filmmaker, directed "A Few Good Meatheads"
and "When Harry Reasoner Met Sally Jesse Raphael."
March 7
On this day in 1850, Daniel Webster debated the Devil in
a Senate Ethics Committee hearing on politicians selling their
souls.
On this day in 1876, Alexander Graham Bell received a patent
for his telephone and immediately called mom on his Nokia
wireless cellular to tell her the good news.
On this day in 1933, the game Monopoly was invented in a
dingy hotel room on Baltic Avenue.
Today's Birthdays:
Willard Scott, 70: TV weatherman, won the right to be annoyingly
cheerful in the Supreme Court's 1857 Willard Scott decision.
Daniel J. Travanti, 64: actor, played a police captain trying
to wipe out Communism within his precinct in "Hill Street
Reds."
Michael Eisner, 62: Walt Disney Co. executive, once fined
Mickey Mouse $50,000 for "conduct unbecoming a world-famous
animated rodent."
March 8
On this day in 1874, 13th president Millard Fillmore died
in Buffalo, N.Y, after wolfing down a bad batch of Scorchy's
Seven-Alarm Buffalo Wings.
On this day in 1913, jack-booted government goons levied
the first U.S. income tax.
On this day in 1996, Dr. Jack Kevorkian was acquitted of
assisted suicide after yelling at a despondent man stand on
a 12th-story ledge to "jump."
Today's Birthdays:
Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr. (1841-1935): Supreme Court Justice,
not the great great grandfather of porn star John "The
Wad" Holmes.
Cyd Charisse, 81: actress-dancer, starred in "Singin'
in the Acid Rain."
Mickey Dolenz, 59: part of a pop music laboratory experiment
called the Rhesus Monkees.
Kathy Ireland, 41: model, appeared on the cover of "Flesh
Illustrated."
March 9
On this day in 1975, construction began on the Alaska pipeline
to help satisfy the nation's growing demand for environmental
degradation.
On this day in 1862, the famous Civil War battle between
the Monitor and the Merrimac ended when both ships ran out
of heat-seeking ballistic missiles.
On this day in 1959, the Barbie doll made her debut, as did
her kinky, leather-clad twin Barbarella.
Today's Birthdays:
Amerigo Vespucci (1451-1512): Italian explorer, set sail
in 1499 to see if he could find a new hemisphere to name after
himself.
Yuri Gagarin (1934-1968): cosmonaut, in 1961 became the first
man to fire back vodka jello shots in a zero-gravity atmosphere.
Juliette Binoche, 40: actress, won Oscar for "The English
Gonorrhea Patient."
March 10
On this day in 1496, Christopher Columbus ended his second
visit to the New World after a winter of snorkeling, beach
volleyball and pillaging in the Bahamas.
On this day in 1864, the Union signed free agent Gen. Ulysses
S. Grant to a two-year deal worth a reported $15 million.
On this day in 1880, arriving from England with drool collection
kettles was the Salivation Army.
Today's Birthdays:
Chuck Norris, 64: actor, played a B-movie president in "George
Walker Bush: Texas Ranger."
Shannon Tweed, 47: actress, former Playboy Sex Object of
the Year, played Bambi Busterson in "Busty Air-Brushed
Bimbos on Beach Blanket Island."
Sharon Stone, 46: actress, played a boy band groupie in "Basic
N'Sync" and a gun-fighting flower child in "The
Quick and the Grateful Dead."
Shannon Miller, 27: Olympic gold medalist, first gymnast
to perform a Triple Sharon Stone in Olympic competition.
March 11
On this day in 1888, the infamous "Blizzard of '88"
hit the northeastern U.S. with 88 inches of snow, killing
88 in an 88-car pileup on Interstate-88.
On this day in 1824, the Bureau of Indian Affairs was established
(motto: "to better screw the red man").
On this day in 1942, Gen. Douglas MacArthur left the Philippines
during World War II to "get some smokes" but vowed,
"I shall return."
Today's Birthdays:
Lawrence Welk (1903-1992): bandleader, famous for his tepid
"Champagne Muzak."
Antonin Scalia, 68: Supreme Court justice, hobbies include
blasting birdies with VP Dick Cheney.
Bobby McFerrin, 54: singer, best known for his hit song "Don't
Worry, Be Very Afraid."
March 12
On this day in 1951, a comic strip debuted about a mischievous
heavily armed ghetto imp, "Dennis the Menace 2 Society."
On this day in 1999, Hungary, Poland and the Czech Republic
joined NATO, receiving a complimentary toaster oven and a
one-year supply of free speech.
On this day in 1664, New Jersey became an English colony
when King Charles II granted the land to his brother, the
Duke of Exit 15.
Today's Birthdays:
Kemal Ataturk (1881-1938): founder of the modern Turkish
Taffy Empire.
Jack Kerouac (1922-1969): author, wrote of his mad adventures
with Wile E. Coyote in "On the Roadrunner."
Liza Minnelli, 58: actress-singer, earned Oscar nomination
as best supporting insect for "The Sterile Cockroach."
James Taylor, 56: singer-songwriter, hits include "Sweet
Baby James Cagney."
Jon Provost, 54: actor, played Timmy in the "Lassie"
TV series and in the X-rated film "Lassie's Tango in
Paris."
March 13
On this day in 1781, astronomer Sir William Herschel discovered
Uranus, better known today as "the Ass Planet."
On this day in 1930, India's Mahatma Gandhi continued a 200-mile
march to protest a British tax on his beloved Humpty Dumpty
salt and vinegar potato chips.
On this day in 1925, Tennessee prohibited the teaching of
evolution, as officials there reaffirmed their belief that
life began with a "big bang" on the planet Uranus.
Today's Birthdays:
Neil Sedaka, 65: somnambulant singer-songwriter, hit #1 in
1962 with "Waking Up is Hard To Do."
Charo, 53: noted middle-aged T&A.
Annabeth Gish, 33: actress, starred in "Ballistic Pizza."
March 14
On this day in 1794, Eli Whitney patented his cotton gin,
then celebrated by knocking back a dozen stiff cotton gin
and tonics.
On this day in 1743, Boston conducted the nation's first
town meeting at Faneuil Hall, where citizens voted on new
"I Love Boston" T-shirts and Cheers Bar souvenirs.
On this day in 1923, Warren G. Harding became the first president
to file an income tax report, but got whacked by the IRS for
failing to declare revenue he made renting out the Lincoln
Bedroom.
Today's Birthdays:
Albert Einstein (1879-1955): furthered mankind's understanding
of his own foolishness with the Theory of Relative Idiocy.
Michael Caine, 71: actor, won Oscar as a sadistic cow-killer
in "Slaughterhouse Rules," also starred in "Jack
Klugman the Ripper" and "Educating Rita Moreno."
Billy Crystal, 57: comedian, starred opposite Meg Ryan and
Clint Eastwood in "When Dirty Harry Met Sally."
March 15
On this day in 1820, Maine became the nation's 23rd state,
but when President James Monroe requested a tour he was told,
"You can't get there from here."
On this day in 44 B.C., Roman dictator Julius Caesar was
assassinated by a knife-wielding assailant on a grassy knoll.
On this day in 1964, Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton
were married; their pre-nuptial agreement stated that in the
event of divorce they would evenly split all the gold and
treasures of the Nile.
Today's Birthdays:
Andrew "Action" Jackson (1767-1845): seventh U.S.
president, got juiced on Southern Comfort at his infamous
1829 inaugural toga party.
Ruth Ginsburg, 71: Supreme Court justice, former protégé
of Judge Wapner of "The People's Supreme Court."
Mike Love, 63: singer with the Beach Boys, famous for their
seismic pop hits "California Tremors" and "Bad
Vibrations."
Fabio, 43: model, appears on the cover of romance novels
like "Pulsating Bodice" and "Gone With the
Corset."
March 16
On this day in 1850, Nathaniel Hawthorne published his famous
novel of adultery and international terrorism, "The Scarlet
Letter Bomb."
On this day in 1802, the U.S. Military Academy at West Point
was established under the leadership of the legendary military
hero G.I. Joe.
On this day in 1957, "The Gumby Show" made its
TV debut and was a smash hit until Gumby quit to produce a
claymation" western he called "Gumsmoke."
Today's Birthdays:
Jerry Lewis, 79: comedian, starred as an atomic bomb-making
loser in "The Nutty Nuclear Physics Professor."
Nancy Wilson, 50: rock musician with Heart, hits include
"Lazy on You" and "Dreamboat Granny."
Flavor Flav, 45: rapper with Pubic Enema, best known for
the anti-nuke anthem "Fight the Power Plant."
March 17
On this day in 1906, President Theodore Roosevelt first used
the term "muckrake" in a speech in Washington, where
he also coined the term "media jackals."
On this day in 1941, the National Gallery of Art opened in
Washington D.C. with a controversial exhibit of crude oil
paintings by OPEC's most gifted artists.
Today's Birthdays:
Bobby Jones (1902-1971): golfing legend, winner of the coveted
Grand Salami at the 1931 Italian Open.
Nat "King" Cole (1919-1965): noted merry old soul.
Rudolf Nureyev (1938-1993): ballet legend, set world indoor
jete record at the 1968 Ballet Olympics in Mexico City by
staying aloft for one minute, 14 seconds.
Gary Sinise, 49: actor, starred as the guy with no legs in
"Forrest Stump."
Rob Lowe, 40: actor, starred in "Tickle Me Elmo's Fire."
March 18
On this day in 1922, after withering from 141 lbs. down to
96 during a hunger strike, Mahatma Gandhi was sentenced to
prison for "shrivel disobedience."
On this day in 1931, Schick began marketing the first electric
razor, touting a "triple-action" blade that leaves
three layers of lacerations instead of just one.
On this day in 1995, Michael Jordan announced his return to
basketball after a 17-month break to pursue his childhood
dream of becoming the greatest shoe salesman of all time.
Today's Birthdays:
Peter Graves, 78: actor, played a secret agent battling erectile
dysfunction in the hit TV drama "Emission Impossible."
Queen Latifah, 34: rapper-actress, played John Travolta's
ho in "Saturday Night Jungle Fever."
March 19
On this day in 1931, the Nevada State Legislature overcame
3-to-1 odds and voted to legalize gambling.
On this day in 1951, Herman Wouk published his acclaimed
novel about a North Pole uprising, "The Candy Cane Mutiny."
Today's Birthdays:
Ursula Andress, 68: actress, starred in the James Bond-Woody
Allen collaboration "What's New, Pussy Galore?"
Glenn Close, 57: actress, starred in the pregnancy-themed
movies "The Big Pill" and "Fetal Attraction."
Bruce Willis, 49: actor, star of the Easter action film "Dye
Hard-Boiled Eggs."
March 20
On this day in 1852, Harriet Beecher Stowe published her
novel about the horrors of upper middle-class slavery, "Uncle
Tom's Condo."
On this day in 1952, cool Humphrey Bogart won an Oscar for
"African Dairy Queen," beating out sweaty Marlon
Brando in "A Streetcar Named Perspire."
On this day in 1969, John Lennon married Yoko Ono, prompting
Beatles' fans to moan, "Oh no."
Today's Birthdays:
Fred Rogers (1928-2003): TV star, played an amiable, cardigan-clad
rock star on "Mr. Roger Daltreys' Neighborhood."
Spike Lee, 47: filmmaker, directed the tense Muslim ghetto
drama "Do the Shiite Thing."
Holly Hunter, 46: actress, received Oscar recognition for
"Broadcast Noose" and "The Piano 2: Revenge
in D Minor."
March 21
On this day in 1996, General Motors and the United Auto Workers
settled a 17-day strike during which only 4,000 vehicles were
shipped without brakes.
On this day in 1790, Thomas "T-Bone" Jefferson
was named President Washington's Secretary of Steak and was
promptly grilled about the meaty issues of the day.
Today's Birthdays:
Johann Sebastian Bach (1685-1750): composer, wrote the Bachman
Turner Overdrive hit song "Takin' Care of Business in
D Minor."
Matthew Broderick, 42: actor, starred with Robert Redford
in "Ferris Bueller and the Sundance Kid."
Rosie O'Donnell, 42: comedian-actress, played a manly female
baseball player in "A League of Their Testosterone."
March 22
On this day in 1765, England enacted the Tramp Act, imposing
a stiff tax on prostitution in the colonies. Outraged harlots
protested by throwing the notorious Boston T&A Party.
On this day in 1882, Congress made polygamy illegal. The
Legislature also voted to outlaw pollywogs, polytheism and
space-age polymers.
Today's Birthdays:
Marcel Marceau, 81: noted mime, has been trapped inside an
imaginary box since 1963.
William Shatner, 73: actor, suffers degenerative vulcanitis
from getting "beamed up" too many times.
Andrew Lloyd Webber, 56: composer, best known for the automotive
musicals "Phantom of the Acura" and "Jesus
Christ's Super Car."
Reese Witherspoon, 28: actress, played a reformed hillbilly
in "Sweet Home Appalachia" and Mrs. Dagwood Bumstead
in "Legally Blondie."
March 23
On this day in 1775, Patrick Henry issued his famous plea
for an American revolution scored with a flamboyant piano
soundtrack, stating "Give me Liberace or give me death."
On this day in 1919, Benito Mussolini issued his famous plea
for political oppression in Italy, stating "Give me Facism,
or give me death."
Today's Birthdays:
Joan Crawford (1904-1977): actress, starred in "Whatever
Happened to Baby Jane Fonda?"
Akira Kurosawa (1910-1998): filmmaker, directed "Diaper
Rashoman" and "The Seven Salmon on Rye."
Ric Ocasek, 55: rock singer with The Cars, promoted anti-drug
message in songs like "Just What I Needled" and
"Let's Blow."
Amanda Plummer, 47: actress, won Tony as a nun with mafia
ties, "Agnes of Godfather."
March 24
On this day in 1934, President Franklin Roosevelt signed
a bill granting independence to the Philippines in exchange
for a lifetime supply of Manila envelopes.
On this day in 1955, opening on Broadway was Tennessee Williams'
new political drama, "Democrat on a Hot Tin Roof."
On this day in 1958, rock singer Elvis Presley was inducted
into the Army and soon led U.S. troops to victory in the Battle
of Blue Hawaii.
Today's Birthdays:
Harry Houdini (1874-1926): magician and escape artist, once
escaped from an "iron-clad lockbox" constructed
by Al Gore's grandfather.
Thomas E. Dewey (1902-1971): politician, his 1948 presidential
run, backed by Huey Long and Louis Armstrong, featured the
slogan "Huey, Dewey and Louie."
Robert Carradine, 50: actor, starred as a fraternity brother
who teaches Saddam Hussein a lesson in "Revenge of the
Kurds."
Alyson Hannigan, 30: actress, starred with rap star P. Diddy
in "Puffy the Vampire Slayer."
March 25
On this day in 1821, Greek patriots got up off their couches
and sofas to launch a revolt against the Ottoman Empire.
On this day in 1965, the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. led
25,000 marchers to the Alabama state capitol, demanding the
right to urinate in "whites only" drinking fountains.
On this day in 1991, seven Oscars were awarded to the epic
western-horror movie starring Kevin Costner and Boris Karloff,
"Dances With Werewolves."
Today's Birthdays:
Sir David Lean (1908-1991): filmmaker, directed "Lawrence
Welk of Arabia" and "Fridge on the River Kwai."
Gloria Steinem, 69: noted feminist, original publisher of
"Ms" magazine and its sista publication "Ho."
Aretha Franklin, 62: singer, hit #1 with her classic duet
with Rodney Dangerfield, "No Respect."
Elton John, 57: singer, hits include the pro-military pop
tune "Bennie and the F-16 Fighter Jets."
March 26
On this day in 1827, legendary composer Ludwig van Beethoven
died in Vienna; he was promptly buried but has been known
on occasion to roll over.
On this day in 1892, poet Walt Whitman died in Camden, N.J.,
after a tragic explosion in his Whitman Sampler candy factory.
On this day in 1981, a jury awarded Carol Burnett $1.6 million
from a libelous "National Enquirer" story reporting
that the crack-smoking entertainer moonlighted as a mafia
godmother and a drug cartel kingpin.
Today's Birthdays:
Tennessee Williams (1911-1983): playwright, born in Mississippi,
where childhood friends included Virginia Slim, Washington
Irving and Minnesota Fats.
Sandra Day O'Connor, 74: Supreme Court Justice, wrote the
minority opinion in "Mothers Against Drunk Driving v.
Joe Six-Pack."
Diana Ross, 60: singer with the Supremes, hit the bottom
of the charts with "Ain't No Gutter Low Enough."
Steven Tyler, 56: rock singer with filty-rich Aerosmith,
struck gold with "Rats in the Wine Cellar" "Toys
in the Penthouse" and "Limousine Kept a Rollin'."
March 27
On this day in 1794, Congress authorized creation of the
U.S. Navy, as well as a zany auxiliary force called McHale's
Navy.
On this day in 1512, Spanish explorer Juan Ponce de Leon
discovered the Fountain of Duluth in Minnesota.
On this day in 1998, the FDA approved the drug Viagra and
spokesman Bob Dole promised users they would be "hung
like an elephant."
Today's Birthdays:
Wilhelm Konrad Roentgen (1845-1923): Nobel prize scientist,
discovered the X-ray, also invented the Q-Tip, the T-shirt
and the G-thang.
Quentin Tarantino, 41: filmmaker, best known for his comically
violent film about orange juice, "Pulp Fiction."
Mariah Carey, 34: singer, hit #1 with "Always Be My
Booty."
March 28
On this day in 1991, former President Reagan voiced support
for the so-called "Brady Bill" requiring a seven-day
waiting period before buying "Brady Bunch" reruns
on video.
On this day in 2000, the U.S. Supreme Court sharply curtailed
police power to pistol-whip people for saying "Is there
a problem, officer?"
Today's Birthdays:
Edmund S. Muskie (1914-1996): U.S. politician known for splashing
on Musk cologne to achieve his musky aura.
Dianne Wiest, 56: actress, won Oscars for Woody Allen's little-known
investment banker films "Bullish Over Broadway"
and "Hannah and Her Dividends."
Salt , 35: rapper with Salt-N-Pepa, got her nickname from
participating in the Strategic Arms Limitation Talks (SALT)
in Helsinki, Finland.
March 29
On this day in 1979, the House Select Committee on Grassy
Knolls reported that JFK, RFK, and MLK may have all been killed
by the FBI or CIA.
On this day in 1951, the Oscar for best picture went to Joseph
Mankiewicz's "All About Evel Knievel."
On this day in 1638, colonists from Sweden settled in present-day
Delaware, where they built the nation's first Swedish meatball
factory.
Today's Birthdays:
Sam Walton (1918-1992): founder of Wal-Mart, also made his
presence felt on Wal-Street.
Eugene McCarthy, 88: ventriloquist politician known for controversial
anti-war statements made by his wooden dummy, Charlie McCarthy.
Elle Macpherson, 40: model, posed in the news for "NewsCheek"
and appeared on the March 2003 cover of "Cover."
Lucy Lawless, 36: actress, best known for her portrayal of
the dainty princess in "Xena: Warrior Princess and the
Pea."
March 30
On this day in 1822, Florida became a U.S. territory following
a lengthy "Wet T-Shirt Filibuster." The "Spring
Break State" would join the union in 1845.
On this day in 1964, the TV quiz show "Jeopardy"
made its debut, as original host Art Fleming spent the first
five years reminding befuddled contestants to "put their
answer in the form of a question."
Today's Birthdays:
Warren Beatty, 66: actor-director, played a ruthless Budweiser
thief in "Bonnie and Clydesdale."
Eric Clapton, 59: rock musician, hit songs include "After
Midlife."
Paul Reiser, 47: actor, starred as a man who loved a sheep
in the popular TV sitcom "Mad About Ewe."
Celine Dion, 36: singer, quit a titanic solo career to record
a remake of "Runaround Sue" with Dion and the Belmonts.
March 31
On this day in 1945, Tennessee Williams premiered his new
drama about the emotional struggle between Gulf, Exxon and
Mobile, "The Gas Menagerie."
On this day in 1959, the Dalai Lama fled Tibet cleverly disguised
as the hind end of a llama named Dolly.
Today's Birthdays:
Rene Descartes (1596-1650): philosopher-redneck, coined the
saying "Cogito ergo sumbitch."
Gordie Howe, 76: hockey great known for his elegant yet functional
line of K-Mart false teeth.
Herb Alpert, 69: musician known for his powerful Tijuana
Brass Knuckles.
Christopher Walken, 61: actor, won Oscar in 1978 as a psycho
who stalks a famous advice columnist in "Dear Abby Hunter."
Ewan McGregor, 33: actor, starred as a drug-addled youth
who hallucinates that he is Huckleberry Finn in "Twainspotting."
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