A
FAIR & BALANCED
REVIEW
By John Breneman
Getting America's left ear to listen to the radio will require
some gimmicks, right?
Al Franken, the noted liberal pundit turned radio wrassler,
plans to pummel the body politic with belligerent Democratic
banter, chatter and cheerleading, demanding to be heard above
the relentless Republican shout-mongers Bill O'Reilly and
Rush Limbaugh. Hammer them with humor.
"Bush is going down, he is going down, he is going down!"
was funny and feisty on Day One. But even the most brilliant
Ann Coulter material ever conceived will not carry the day.
Not even joking that the liberal-loathing Coulter said if
Al Qaeda has to hit somewhere in the U.S., let it be the New
York studios of Air America Radio. One of the funnier bits
of Day Two was Franken whining about being forced to shill
a product for people who constantly need to pee.
This
is a cause that calls for hype. Steroid-fueled World Rhetoric
Foundation megahype. This is Stone-Cold Al Franken vs. Stone-Stoned
Limbaugh in a high-frequency smackdown! Don't touch that dial!
Next up, freak-haired boxing impresario Don King promotes
the multimillion-dollar Franken-Limbaugh grudge match. "The
Great Left Hope" vs. the "Great Right Dope."
Franken, the former wrestler who persuaded a Dean heckler
to shut up with a New Hampshire primary pile-driver, stepping
to the mike against the acid-larynxed Limbaugh, the lying
anti-drug liar whose appetite for OxyContin should enable
him to absorb a daily flurry of left hooks, left jabs and
liberal haymakers.
Al Franken is not a big fat idiot. He knows that to crush
Rush and rile the vile O'Reilly he must rock the mike. Whatever
that means. He's gotta come out guns blazing for his daily
three-hour showdown at High Noon. (Note to Air America: Chuck
D from Public Enemy is nice, but imagine 50 Cent jumping into
the feud).
"A Franken balanced look at the Right" must walk
the talk with smart, GOP-slapping satire. Funny stuff like
diagnosing George W. Bush with a
malignant fib nose, a rare Pinocchio-like condition that
could leave him with as little as seven months to lead. Listeners
will love scathing tirades about how
Bush dropped a comic bomb, gagging on his own tasteless
WMD joke.
So no more lying down and letting the lying liars get away
with White House lies. The Great Liberal Radio Experiment
is on.
"Good morning, Vietnam
I mean Iraq."
White House not pleased with Humor Gazette
By
John Breneman
The Bush administration moved to silence yet another of its
vocal critics today, mounting a smear campaign against the
Humor Gazette, the influential satire newspaper that poked
fun at the president's
ill-advised deployment of a comic bomb.
Donald Rumsfeld denounced the Gazette as a "subversive
left-wing laugh rag" whose editor is merely trying to
drum up publicity for his new book, "George W. Bush:
Behind the Smirk."
Rumsfeld challenged the Gazette to produce evidence supporting
its shocking allegation that the president suffers from a
malignant fib-nose, a rare Pinocchio-like
condition that may leave him with as little as seven months
to lead.
Gazette publisher Arturo DeMaunchie declined to comment,
saying he was distracted by a Blackhawk helicopter hovering
outside his window. But a spokesman said the Gazette's vigilant
commitment to fake journalistic integrity mandates that it
painstakingly fabricate every word of its explosive investigative
satire. For example, the paper pretended to interview multiple
anonymous sources before printing its Feb. 13 expose "President
may have evaded Boy Scout service."
Condoleezza Rice said the administration's policy of being
really secretive about everything precluded her from commenting,
but in an interview with Regis Philbin she said the Gazette
is just angling to get Mel Gibson's
people to option its script for "Lethal Weapons of Mass
Destruction."
But the fledgling media conglomerate responded that it has
a strict policy separating its journalistic mission from its
entertainment division, and sees no conflict in pitching Hollywood
screenplays for "Last
Tango in Pakistan," "Allah Doesn't Live Here Anymore"
and "Al Qaeda on the Western Front."
Critics contend the White House has helped blur the increasingly
fuzzy line between real journalism and fake news with its
disturbing record of deception and "utter fiction."
In "Operation
Iraqi Infoganda," Frank Rich of the New York Times
says the administration "has responded to the growing
national appetite for fictionalized news by producing a steady
supply of its own."
Times columnist Paul
Krugman says the White House policy of character assassination
for high-level dissenters like former counter-terrorism czar
Richard Clarke "provides more evidence of something rotten
in the state of our government."
Meanwhile there are unconfirmed reports of government workers
being fired for reading the Humor Gazette, harsh proof the
president means business when he says, "Either you are
with us or you are with the satirists."
Imaginary reporters Karen Ryan and Alberto Garcia, best
known for their phony White House-funded "coverage"
of Medicare, contributed to this report.
A comic bomb:
Bush slays 'em with WMD gag
By John Breneman
With a comic touch as deft as a Baghdad bombing raid, President
Bush reduced the side-splitting Iraq weapons of mass destruction
fiasco to a punchline.
The Commander-in-Cheek laughed off the world's concern about
non-existent WMDs at the 60th annual Radio & Television
Correspondents' Association dinner Wednesday night.
War
on Iraq
U.S. death toll: hundreds
Cost: untold billions
Bush's standup routine: priceless.
Too bad the families of soldiers killed in Iraq don't get
the joke.
If you missed it, President Bush was showing funny pictures
and cracking jokes about them when up popped a photo of him
looking under a desk. "Those weapons of mass destruction
must be somewhere," quipped the White House wagster.
"Nope, no weapons over there
Maybe under here."
The bit unwittingly lampooned Bush's cluelessness that his
phony weapons bluster for a war that has now claimed hundreds
of U.S. lives might not be the best fodder for cornball humor
from a leader regarded in much of the world as a malevolent
moron.
Sources say Bush is planning followup jokes about some of
his other wacky stunts, like tagging the U.S. Constitution
with anti-gay grafitti, giving phony $4 billion cost estimates
for the $5.5 billion Medicare bill and sporting a flightsuit
for his side-splitting "Mission Accomplished" caper.
"Sheer comic genius," raved the respected comedian
Carrot Top, who is helping the president build an arsenal
of one-liners and witticisms of mass destruction.
John Kerry, after consulting with political humorist Al Franken,
issued a statement calling Bush "a big fat idiot."
Related story:
President
sends Wile E. Coyote on mission to nab bin Laden
Kerry
claims proof Bush lied about Iraq
By John Breneman
A John Kerry supporter claims to have conclusive photographic
evidence that President Bush lied about weapons of mass destruction
in Iraq. The picture was allegedly taken Saturday in Orlando,
Fla., during a 15-minute Bush stopover to bag $200,000 each
from a bunch of businessmen who want a piece of him.
As the president began fielding a question about Iraq, his
nose reportedly appeared to sprout from his face, reaching
nearly three inches as he continued on about the economy and
the real cost of Medicare.
A leading Democratic spin doctor who analyzed an X-ray of
the image said the prognosis is grim, possibly terminal, for
the Bush presidency. Dr. Dawn Key said the malignant fib-nose
may leave the president with as little as eight months to
lead.
Democratic spin doctor says X-ray of malignant
fib-nose shows Bush may have as little as eight months
to lead.
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But Dr. Ella Funt, a respected GOP spin doctor, dismissed
that as a partisan diagnosis and said the photo was probably
doctored, like the one Republican supporters were distributing
of John Kerry and Jane Fonda.
Furthermore, she said, the president's tendency to fudge
the truth could not possibly cause such extreme enlargement
of the proboscis, unless of course the president was actually
a Pinocchio-like marionette, manipulated by, say, Donald Rumsfeld
and Dick Cheney.
President Aleksander Kwasniewski of Poland, who complained
Thursday he was "misled" about Saddam Hussein's
weapons of mass destruction, said the hapless marionette theory
would help explain why Bush seemed so oblivious to the apparent
Halliburton conflict of interest fiasco.
Kerry, meanwhile, boasted that dozens of world leaders called
to tell him they want Bush out, a few even mocking the president's
own cowboy-speak by adding, "dead or alive."
However, a GOP political analyst said the White House is
unconcerned. Bush's standing with his conservative base remains
strong, especially now that he's reversed his previous position
and called for an anti-gay marriage
amendment to the Constitution.
The American people, he said, won't be fooled by the Democratic
tactic of calling the Bush administration dishonest about
everything from job projections and the deficit to WMD claims
and Medicare (both the phony news video and the part about
threatening to fire actuary Richard S. Foster if he told the
truth about the pesky $1.5 cost overrun).
Related story:
Kerry
won't apologize for calling Bush team a lying 'posse of thugs'
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