Did Bush's
silver spoon cause forked tongue?

By John Breneman

Even if the latest rumor is true, supporters say, President Bush will not be the first Washington politician to speak with a forked tongue. The state of the president's tongue has provoked wild speculation, with critics saying Bush's snake-like appendage proves he has been deceiving the American people.

After insisting that intelligence fall guy George Tenet resigned for "personal reasons" (yeah, that's it), Bush was tight-lipped on the forked tongue issue. When asked directly, he hissed at speculation that his tongue has split down the middle, either from habitual lying or from years of rubbing against the silver spoon that has been lodged in his mouth since birth.

A source close to the president's piehole said that if Bush is forced to confront the forked-tongue issue, he will claim he injured his tongue last month when he fell off his bike. However, a bipartisan expert in political linguistics said it is more likely the president's condition is caused by the cumulative strain of playing fast and loose with the truth.

"Even the most adept prevaricator cannot expect to escape the severe tongue trauma associated with, say, telling millions of people you knew Saddam Hussein had weapons and even knew where some of them were," said Dr. Chad Lickett, an eye, ear, nose, throat and tongue specialist at Bethesda Naval Hospital.

"Even minor truth-fudging - like telling everyone you look forward to meeting with the 9/11 commission, or pretending you want the truth to come out about who leaked the identity of CIA agent Valerie Plame - can take its toll," he said.

Doctors say the condition will not hinder the president's cold-blooded approach to foreign affairs and may actually enhance his natural ability to claim he supports certain programs and then slash funding. (For more information about the president's unfortunate affliction, see BushWatch.com, MoveOn.org, CommonDreams.org, Misleader.org, or dozens of other Web sites.)

Linguistic analysts also suggest that President Bush's forked tongue and silver spoon may also account for his bumbling oratorical style. Other notable presidents who have suffered from forked-tongue syndrome include Bill Clinton and Richard Nixon.

David Corn, author of "The Lies of George W. Bush," documents the president's falsehoods on tax cuts, the environment, the war on terror and best of all, his claim to be a candidate who could restore honor and integrity to the post-Clinton White House.

(Free delivery of fresh satire every M/W/F, no Spam, strict privacy policy)

President to receive Purple Chin award

By John Breneman

President Bush has been nominated for a Purple Chin award for being injured in the line of duty during his May 22 mountain bike tumble. The commander-in-chief reportedly was thinking about ways to fix his bone-headed war without admitting any mistakes when he hit a loose patch of dirt.

Critics dismissed it as a silly attempt to beef up his pathetic military record, first as a flighty National Guard pilot and now as a bumbling war boss foolish enough to don a flightsuit and pose with a bogus "Mission Accomplished" banner.

Bush, who nearly made the ultimate sacrifice after choking on a pretzel in January 2002, also fell off a hi-tech Segway scooter in June 2003, and dropped his pooch Barney on its head last September.

Media analysts differ on what the president might do for his next zany stunt. One suggested he parachute into a U.S. military compound in Iraq carrying a fake turkey for the troops. Another said he should accidentally shoot himself in the foot at an NRA fundraiser to divert attention from his malfeasant handling of the war.

Critics claim Bush evaded Boy Scout duty

U.S. at risk of pterodactyl attack

By John Breneman

The U.S. has received credible "chatter" that al-Qaida may or may not try to attack the U.S. within the next 12 to 1,200 days, perhaps using a plane, a train, acid rain … or worse, a giant man-eating pterodactyl. Justice Department wacko John Ashcroft said he has obtained documents showing that Osama bin Laden may have manufactured a genetically engineered Super Terror-Dactyl using prehistoric DNA from Nigeria. Ashcroft denied he was making up the pterodactyl alert to distract Americans from President Bush's inept handling of the war and his trouble using words to communicate. He declined to reveal the source of his information but said it definitely was not Ahmad Chalabi.     MORE

Bush pledges Democracy R Us
for Iraq

By John Breneman     As the clock tick, tick, ticks toward the June 30 transfer of power to a pseudo-sovereign Iraq, President Bush laid out a five-point plan to boost his bum approval rating. Apart from some creative pronunciation of those pesky words "Abu Ghraib," the embattled CEO of Democracy R Us did not waver from reciting each word that had been written for him. (Good news about Abu, Bush aims to demolish the notorious torture house and Halliburton has stepped up to do the job for just $1.2 billion.)

Iraq's conversion to a Halliburton-based economy will be aided by a transitional Iraqi government comprised of guys who don't mind having a terrorist bull's eye painted on their headgear. National elections will come soon enough. But first it is vital to teach Iraqi politicians how to divert millions into their campaign war-chests and slime their opponents with negative ads. Presidential candidates will also need seminars on how to exploit family connections and use the Supreme Court to seize power.    MORE

Rummy's damage control gift pack

By John Breneman

With some critics calling for him to be stripped naked and led out of the Pentagon on a dog leash, Donald Rumsfeld stepped up the campaign to save his skin by announcing a lavish compensation package (including Halliburton stock options and McDonalds gift certificates) for the victims of the Iraqi prisoner abuse scandal.

"It's the right thing to do," the embattled Secretary of State told Congress. Poor guy. He'd never let on, of course, but it's got to bug him the way he botched the planning and execution of the war.

Now this horror show - set in a former Saddam hellhole, starring part-time soldiers not trained to be prison guards and stinking all the way to the top - may yet cost him his job as the president's guy in charge of getting people killed.

The despicable acts at Abu Ghraib have further scarred America's image around the globe. But Rummy's no dummy. He just spun the breakdown in human decency under his command as an opportunity to wow the world with another lesson on how a Democracy deals with evil-doers.

True to his word, Rumsfeld has assembled a generous package designed not only to salve Iraqi humiliation with material compensation but also to symbolize all that is good about America. Some of the items include:

- Self-esteem counseling from Dr. Phil
- Season tickets to the Texas Rangers baseball team
- Basketball lessons from noted Allah enthusiast Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
- Autographed copies of Bob Woodward's best-seller "Plan of Attack"
- Cameos in the next Ben Affleck-Arnold Schwarzenegger film, "The Armagedinator"
- Collectible "Spider-Man" action figures
- Official "I Got Abused at Abu Ghraib and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt" sportswear
- Kodak Max disposable cameras
- Nike Air Jordans (made by skilled Indonesian craftschildren)
- A Mickey Mouse photo-op at Disneyland
- A gas-guzzling Hummer with a "George Bush is a Swell Guy" bumper sticker
- Allah-approved "Mission Accomplished" prayer mats
- "America's Funniest Prison Home Videos" on DVD
- A hand-written half-apology by Rumsfeld himself
- And samples of Levitra and Cialis to help put that spring back in their step

Study shows alcohol
effective against sobriety

By John Breneman

A new report in the prestigious Imaginary Journal of Medicine reveals that alcohol has been proven effective in combating the pain and discomfort of sobriety.

A team of researchers at Dartmouth's renowned Tappa Kegga Dei fraternity discovered that moderate to heavy consumption of alcohol provides fast temporary relief from the mental and emotional anguish caused by a world gone haywire with George W. Bush at the helm.

"The number of Americans suffering heightened stress and right-brain migraines has skyrocketed under the current administration," said Dr. Jack Daniels of the Tennessee Bourbon Institute. "Alcohol, booze in layman's terms, can produce an effect medical professionals call 'taking the edge off' or even induce a euphoric semi-conscious state if desired."

The study reported that medicinal use of alcohol has risen by 40% in the year since the president toasted his war victory with that intoxicating "Mission Accomplished" rotgut.

"Let's face it, things are looking pretty bleak. Hatred of America has exploded. All the president's men had a role in dragging us into a hellhole. Three shots of firewater, administered orally, can make the world a little less horrifying," said Professor Glen Livet of the Foundation for Moonshine Research.

Despite its therapeutic efficacy, alcohol consumed for medicinal or recreational purposes may produce a range of side effects, including but not limited to:

- Nausea
- Moronic behavior
- Involuntary stumbling
- Slurred speech and vocal spasm
- Loss of job
- Loss of wallet
- Loss of driver's license
- Beer belly
- Vietnam hangover
- Increased risk of yelling at the television
- Confusion about how gay weddings "threaten" traditional marriage
- General obnoxiousness
- Genital flacidity
- Heightened use of the term "I love you, man"

Presidential punching bag

By John Breneman

Ever feel like you wanna pop George Bush right in the kisser? Smack that smirk off his face? Slug that smug mug?

You’d never do it for real, of course, but wouldn’t it relieve a world of tension to give President 43 the old 1-2? Land a hard left for his right-wing lunacy?

Well, now you can. At BushBops.com. The bell rings and the crowd goes wild. Your mouse becomes a fist and every punch connects. You rock him, sock him with Bush-whacking sound effects.

In this corner … from Crawford, Texas … weighing in at 6-0 190 pounds … wearing a black suit and a Shiite-eating grin … GEORGE! … W! …BUSH!!!

And in this corner … from Main Street, USA … mad as hell at this numbskull and not gonna take it anymore … YOU!

It’s wholesome, harmless fun. Take a couple shots. Biff! Pow! Give him an uppercut for letting us down. Then click-click your mouse/fist for a barrage of blows, as you pound his piehole, his thorax and malignant fib-nose.

A lot of people want to “Beat Bush” these days, some of them literally. So if you really want to get physical you can order the presidential punching bag for $24.95 and hammer the bum below the belt like his henchmen have done to John “Coulda Been a Contender” Kerry.

But wait, there’s more! You can dope slap this dope for bungling us into war. Whack him for whacking taxes on the rich. Smack him for being an evasive, unethical sonofabitch.

Bush hid from the fighting in Vietnam, but he can’t duck you. Hit him with a haymaker for being a WMD wiseacre. Give him an ugly shiner to match the one America now has in the eyes of the world.

No boxing experience necessary. Bring him on!

Bush says terrorists are behind Newsweek approval rating poll

By John Breneman

President Bush said today that his record-low 42% approval rating "sends the wrong message to our troops" and accused unpatriotic poll respondents of trying to "weaken our resolve."

Bush would not rule out using the Patriot Act to "smoke out" those who believe he might have made a mistake. In his strongest statement yet about the Newsweek survey, Bush grinned and said, "I doesn't read Newsweek." Secretary of State Donald Rumsfeld agreed, but acknowledged that he sometimes uses the magazine to wipe his butt. The New Yorker, too.

"The actions of these few bad apples do not represent the America that I know," Bush said of his Newsweek naysayers. The trusted advisers who feed him his news have assured him that his approval rating is a robust 91% among right-wing chickenhawks and Halliburton executives.

Bush declined comment on a survey that showed his approval rating has slipped to just 9% among people who don't live in America and a paltry 1% among naked, dog-leashed Iraqi detainees. The president's approval numbers are holding firm at 0% among parents whose soldier-children have been killed in his mistake-free war.

The good news is that Bush's approval rating is 94% among those who believe it was a super idea to bust into Iraq with no concern about alienating the rest of the world, no clue that the welcome parade would be a funeral procession, no idea that it would actually fuel the international terrorist movement and no plan to stabilize this ethnically and religiously complex nation and get the hell out.

Meanwhile, a recent Humor Gazette poll asked readers to evaluate the president in several other key area. The results:

-- Upheaval rating - 98%

-- Funereal rating - 86%

-- Cerebral rating - 81% (among those believe a president shouldn't trouble himself with knowledge and clear-headed analysis)

-- Marsupial rating - 74% (among those who enjoy using Photoshop to paste Bush's head onto the bodies of koalas, wombats and Tasmanian devils)

-- Theatrical rating - 91% (among fans of the "Mission Accomplished" and Thanksgiving turkey photo-ops)

-- Grammatical rating - 93% (among people not troubled by the "Bushisms" found at www.dubyaspeak.com)

-- Surreal rating - 100%

Please Read
Bush drops
a comic bomb

"Something will
pop into my head"

Straight plan for
the Constitution, man

Lethal Whippin'

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Bush eyes Iraq czar

Environmental retard

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