Rumsfeld offers proof of link between Saddam Hussein and ... Rumsfeld

By John Breneman

While Donald Rumsfeld was in Baghdad in 1984 to grease Saddam Hussein for oil, the Iraqi madman was whacking Iranian soldiers with chemical weapons. Rummy must have been outraged, right? Guess again.

Back then it was handshakes and smiles for Hussein, who became a "grave and gathering danger" with plenty of help from his pals in Washington.

Rumsfeld and the Bush gang went to war over weapons of mass destruction that Hussein turned out not to have. But when Hussein was spraying his foes with mustard gas 20 years ago, Rummy kept his yap shut. Here's a quote from an August 2002 article by Jeremy Scahill in Common Dreams:

In 1984, Donald Rumsfeld was in a position to draw the world's attention to Saddam's chemical threat. He was in Baghdad as the UN concluded that chemical weapons had been used against Iran. He was armed with a fresh communication from the State Department that it had "available evidence" Iraq was using chemical weapons. But Rumsfeld said nothing.

He was too busy kissing Hussein's ass.

Around this time the Butcher of Baghdad was also buying all the American-made helicopters he could get his hands on. He was even getting poisonous chemicals and biological agents from U.S. companies, according to this "Rotten" Rumsfeld bio. Here's a quote:

As a result of the openings created by Rumsfeld's (1983-84) diplomatic triumphs, U.S. companies were recruited and encouraged, both covertly and overtly, to ship poisonous chemicals and biological agents to Iraq, by the administrations of both Reagan and George Bush Sr. Care packages to Saddam included sample strains of anthrax and bubonic plague, and components which would be used to develop nerve poisons like sarin gas and ricin.

The nerve of these guys.

Even a bit of pro-Rumsfeld propaganda says, "Mr. Rumsfeld and Saddam Hussein did not have time to address Iraq's use of chemical weapons, but instead discussed the (oil) pipeline project and other mutual interests."

Revisionist Rumsfeld now claims he cautioned Hussein about the use of chemical weapons. Do you believe him? If so, perhaps I could interest you in a piece of prime swampland in Falluja.

Related reading:
Rumsfeld's old flame -- by Jim Vallette in Tom Paine

Here's a quote:
The lesson to be drawn from Bechtel, the Aqaba pipeline and the present conflict is that an "evil dictator" is a friend of the United States when he is ready to do business, and a mortal enemy when he is not. Sadly, it is our sons and daughters, brothers and sisters, who must pay the price when a deal goes bad.

Bush butchered those pesky words "Abu Guh-reff" abu-again yesterday, this time in a press conference with the prime minister of Hungary. The transcript doesn't reflect it but Daily Show anchor Jon Stewart made hay with the embarassing video clip, which can be seen here.

Repeat after me: "Ah-Boo ... Guh-Reb." Or something like that.

(Free delivery of fresh satire every M/W/F, no Spam, strict privacy policy)

Nostradamus issues terror warning

By John Breneman

Citing new intelligence received from Nostradamus, Tom Ridge today warned all Americans to "hold onto their hats."

Ridge, director of the U.S. Department of Terror, said agents have discovered a new document in which the mysterious 16th-century prophet speaks of a "grave and gathering danger" posed by an unidentified "beast from the Middle East."

The fact that the new terror alert comes on the heels of the John Kerry's rousing speech at the Democratic National Convention is just a coincidence, said Ridge, who nevertheless warned that registered Democrats may be at heightened risk.

"The terrorists hate the word 'democracy' so much they are hoping to kill as many Democrats as possible," said Ridge, who urged all Dems to re-register as Republicans and vote for President Bush "just to be safe."

Ridge, who has been criticized for issuing vague terror alerts timed to counter any Democratic momentum in the presidential race, said the Nostradamus prophecy was fairly specific. It read, in part:

"Some asshole named Mohammed, or maybe Abdul, will try to blow something up. But instead of a metal bird crashing down from the sky, look for a brownish 1989 Toyota SR5 pickup truck loaded with ammonium nitrate."

As further evidence that a terrorist strike may be imminent, Ridge said President Bush mentioned that in his most recent conversation with God, the Supreme Being seemed a little edgy but would not say why.

The fact that a faceless enemy may wipe us off the map at any moment does not conflict with President Bush's claim that he has made America safer, according to Ridge, who confided that Nostradamus also praised Bush for "the president's leadership in the war against terror."

Responding to skeptics, Ridge pointed out that Nostradamus correctly foretold the breakup of Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck, and rise of so-called "reality programming," which he called simply "mindless drivel." The terror czar hinted there might be some additional Nostradamus "chatter" containing dirt on John Kerry, but did not elaborate.

Critics counter that the visionary Frenchman failed to predict that President Bush would choke on a pretzel, fall off his bike (twice) and respond to the darkest hour of his administration by continuing to read "My Pet Goat" to a group of schoolchildren.

Humor Gazette endorses Kerry

Though primarily a humor publication, the Humor Gazette is run by actual journalists who reserve the right to be serious about important issues facing America and the world. See our endorsement HERE.

Homeland Security horoscope

Homeland Security guru Tom Ridge consults his imaginary crystal ball.

By John Breneman

Memo: U.S. Department of Homeland Security

Secretary Tom Ridge, in consultation with the nation's top astrological experts, today issued the following Risk Assessment Horoscope:

ARIES (March 21-April 19) Use common sense when dealing with a grave and gathering menace. Consensual physical affection with a loved one can temporarily numb the haunting specter of imminent mayhem. The future is guardedly bright.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20) Good day to assess your surroundings for vulnerabilities and take protective measures to mitigate them. Don't let emotion cloud your judgment on severing ties with a relative who may be a security risk. Be wary of unfamiliar smiles.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20) Monitor your transportation systems to insure readiness in the event of an evening terrorist incursion. Making an obscene gesture in traffic could lead to an unwanted gunshot wound. Vary your daily routine.

CANCER (June 21-July 22) Be patient if a loved one's fear of nuclear annihilation causes him or her to question your preparedness. Biweekly drills help you familiarize family personnel with your emergency response plan. Stock up on duct tape.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) A breathtaking sunrise reminds you the end could come before dusk. Coordinate your personal security efforts with local emergency personnel and law enforcement agencies. Do not let your identity fall into enemy hands.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Seek creative new ways to disguise your attractiveness as a potential terrorist target. Be sure to exercise appropriate precautions in the event of an unexpected romantic encounter. Avoid naked aggression.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Redirect your personal resources to give priority to critical emergency needs. Treating yourself to a canister of pepper spray can add zest to your paranoia. Turn your stress about man's inherent capacity for evil into positive energy.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) The threat of media chatter is heightened today. Follow established protocols when dealing with the rhetoric of swarthy political extremists. News reports of possible terrorist activity may be inaccurate or exaggerated.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Think twice before utilizing free speech to criticize the government. Sacrificing a few civil liberties will help the shadowy forces protect you. Limit your contact with those who exhibit an unkempt appearance or beady eyes.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) A moment of serenity will likely be dashed by a sudden heightening of tension. Promptly report any suspicious individuals or activity to the Department of Homeland Security. Vigilance is next to godliness.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Going somewhere you've never been could be asking for trouble. Restrict access to your home and work environments to essential personnel only. Don't succumb to a panic attack: Today's threat level for apocalyptic doom is LOW.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) Undertake further refinement of household protective measures within the context of current threat information. Unnecessary friendliness could cause unforeseen complications. Fortify your perimeter.

Let phony horoscopes guide you

Newspaper horoscopes are stupid, right? The savvy reader knows they're just pithy snippets of random advice whose actual relevance to our lives is either purely coincidental or completely nonexistent.

But they can be fun if not taken too seriously. In that spirit, the planets have aligned to cast an irreverent aura over my karma. The result may seem somewhat astro-illogical.

Common Sense horoscope

Gangsta horoscope

President cloned by Dr. Gene Meddler

By John Breneman

Scientists at the University of South Berwick announced today they have successfully cloned a multi-cell organism that bears a striking resemblance to President George W. Bush. The president sharply criticized the scientific breakthrough as "morally wrong." But the Bush clone (dubbed W2) believes just as strongly that human cloning is "morally right." This according to its creator, Dr. Gene Meddler.


Letter to the groom

I'm tying the knot this weekend. Below is a note I wrote to a friend of mine a little while back when he was getting married...

Dear Chris --

I'm thrilled and honored that you've asked me to be your best man. I hope I can help in some small way to make your wedding day unforgettable. Just got your tuxedo instructions in the mail, but it turns out I won't need to be fitted after all.

I have a wardrobe of about 15 custom tuxes for all occasions but am having a new one tailored for your special day. I'm sure you and Lisa won't mind that I have added a few flourishes.

It will be the traditional black velvet, of course, an Armani "Monkey Suit" model with prehensile tails. I've taken the liberty of adding a broad, white Formula One-style racing stripe down my back, with the numerals 910 emblazoned next to it. The suit is fire-retardant, of course, and conforms to rigorous NASCAR safety specifications.

I've also added a trifle of raspberry wainscotting to the jacket and faux alligator-skin ruffles to the legs of my see-through Ralph Lauren pants.

I will be sporting a military-fatigue utility cummerbund, with velcro pockets to accommodate my arsenal of weapons, communications devices and intoxicants.

My bowtie is a little something I found at Weddingo's Novelty Shoppe. It is fluorescent black and will spin around at a rate of approximately 600 revolutions per minute.

My state-of-the-art neckwear will emit a high-pitched squealing sound and shoot white sparks approximately five feet into the air, but its force should not be sufficient to lift me off the ground at any point during the ceremony.

In recognition of my religious beliefs, I will have to insist on wearing a 4-foot-tall chromium alloy cross around my neck, encrusted with polished gravel and etched with the likenesses of Pedro Martinez, Speed Racer and Jesus.

I plan to wear my favorite Indonesian-rules kickboxing gloves, if that is OK, and my steel-toed platform Doc Marten boots. Black, of course.

I've created a lovely organic cauliflower boutonniere, but am waffling on whether to wear my "Whack Iraq" stickpin.

The timeless elegance of matching 4-carat diamond tongue and nose studs should round out the ensemble quite nicely, I think.

I guess that's about it -- other than my Jose Cuervo eyepatch, my 3-foot-tall Dr. Seuss top hat and my fire-red "Congratulations Chris and Lisa" neck tattoo.

Looking forward to the big day!

PS -- Just let me know if you want me to take care of the wedding cake.


Bush received faulty intelligence from God

By John Breneman

A Senate panel not only determined the U.S. used bad information to justify the war in Iraq, it also weighed in on a report that President Bush may have received faulty intelligence from God.

Bush, who claims to have consulted the Lord before making the decision to go to war, said God convinced him that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction and told him Saddam Hussein was a "madman" and a "freedom-hating thug." When asked specifically if Hussein was connected to al Qaeda, Bush said the Creator-in-Chief responded, "Yep."

But the Senate panel investigating pre-war intelligence said that, even though the president talks about religion a lot and ends every speech with the words "God Bless America," it could find no direct link between President Bush and the Lord.

However, Vice President Dick Cheney defended a possible White House-Heaven link, saying the absence of documentation that Bush talked directly to God does not mean such a meeting did not take place.

Washington observers say the possibility that Bush got bad intelligence from "the man upstairs" has not diminished the president's faith in God. Bush has resisted pressure to dump the Lord from his Cabinet and said the omnipotent deity is doing "a fabulous job."

Supporters say they cannot blame Bush for faulty intelligence about Iraq's weapons if it came directly from the great warrior in the sky. Democrats, however, claim the intelligence failure between Bush and the Lord dates back as early as 1946, when God created the future president.

Hussein attorneys claim he's insane

By John Breneman

Legal analysts say Saddam Hussein plans to fight charges of war crimes and genocide by pleading temporary insanity.

"I am Saddam Hussein, president of Iraq," said the disgraced ex-dictator, adding, "Saddam I am. I do not like green eggs and ham."

Hussein told an Iraqi judge that he is also a CIA hitman, a Mesopotamian deity and a porn star known by the stage name Dick Tater. The desperate Hussein also claimed he partied with Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld back in 1983-84.

Noted legal superstar Johnnie Cochran told Don Imus that he told Oprah that Hussein's insanity defense is bolstered by the fact that President Bush has called him a "madman" approximately 12,465 times since Sept. 1, 2001.

But White House spokesman Scott McClellan responded that Bush used the term "rhetorically," much like the words "grave and gathering threat," "weapons of mass destruction" and "links to al Qaeda."

McClellan reminded reporters that God had specifically instructed President Bush to take over Iraq and fulfill his destiny as a war president, even if it meant getting thousands of people killed.

Hussein defense attorney F. Lee Chalabi said his client has been a "nutjob" since 1988 when he accidentally inhaled some mustard gas while wiping out some infidels. His legal team estimates the American media has referred to Hussein as the "wacky Iraqi" an estimated 2.4 million times.

"This is all theater. The real criminal is Bush," a defiant Hussein told the judge while swatting away imaginary fruit flies and humming "U Can't Touch This" by M.C. Hammer.

"Hussein. Rhymes with 'insane'. Can you dig it?" concluded the wacky Iraqi madman.

Bereaved Bush takes Saddam's gun on three-country rampage

By John Breneman

Cowboy diplomacy. How come when Ronald Reagan did it -- "Make my day," "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down the wall" -- it sounded cool, bold, presidential?

But when George W. Bush swaggers into Clint Eastwood country -- "Bring 'em on," "Dead or alive" -- he sounds like some phony John Wayne wannabe trying to prove he's a tough guy?

President Bush is taking Reagan's death pretty hard. The Humor Gazette is reporting that Bush took his favorite new Saddam Hussein handgun on a three-country rampage over the weekend, firing off shots and yelling "Eeee-haaah!!" before crashing a stolen pickup on some loose soil in Pakistan.

Rush Limbaugh called the president's joyride "a fraternity prank" and said Bush was just blowing off a little steam after a grueling week spent perfecting his pronunciation of the word "sovereignty" for the big day. Sources close to the president's inner actor speculate that he went looking for Osama for a gunfight at the Al Qaeda Corral.

Poor Bush. Even Reagan had a military record. He killed a dozen Japs with one steely glare, and 15 Krauts by sneering "Make my day." Not really. "Eyesight difficulties" limited his duty to in the Army's elite movie-making unit. The Hollywood soldier also served as Cmdr. Casey Abbott, captain of the USS Starfish, in "Hellcats of the Navy" (1957).

Somebody should write a movie for Bush. You know he'd love to do an Eastwood or Wayne flick. Or best of all, a Reagan remake. I'm working on scripts for "Hellcats of the National Guard" and "Bedtime for Rummy." Reagan won fame in "Knute Rockne, All American." Bush played an ex-president's idiot son in "Newt Gingrich, All American."

And so the nation mourns. Here's hoping the Reagan children don't fight too much over who gets Reagan Washington National Airport.

President nominated for Purple Chin award

By John Breneman

President Bush has been nominated for a Purple Chin award for being injured in the line of duty during his May 22 mountain bike tumble. The commander-in-chief reportedly was thinking about ways to fix his bone-headed war without admitting any mistakes when he hit a loose patch of dirt.

Critics dismissed it as a silly attempt to beef up his pathetic military record, first as a flighty National Guard pilot and now as a bumbling war boss foolish enough to don a flightsuit and pose with a bogus "Mission Accomplished" banner.

Bush, who nearly made the ultimate sacrifice after choking on a pretzel in January 2002, also fell off a hi-tech Segway scooter in June 2003, and dropped his pooch Barney on its head last September.

Media analysts differ on what the president might do for his next zany stunt. One suggested he parachute into a U.S. military compound in Iraq carrying a fake turkey for the troops. Another said he should accidentally shoot himself in the foot at an NRA fundraiser to divert attention from his malfeasant handling of the war.

Critics claim Bush evaded Boy Scout duty

U.S. at risk of attack by giant pterodactyl

By John Breneman     The U.S. has received credible "chatter" that al-Qaida may or may not try to attack the U.S. within the next 12 to 1,200 days, perhaps using a plane, a train, acid rain … or worse, a giant man-eating pterodactyl. Justice Department wacko John Ashcroft said he has obtained documents showing that Osama bin Laden may have manufactured a genetically engineered Super Terror-Dactyl using prehistoric DNA from Nigeria. Ashcroft denied he was making up the pterodactyl alert to distract Americans from President Bush's inept handling of the war and his trouble using words to communicate. He declined to reveal the source of his information but said it definitely was not Ahmad Chalabi.     MORE

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