Hilary Duff redefines 'creative artist'

By Lars Trodson

The revolution began subtly.

In announcing an upcoming concert at the Verizon Wireless Arena in Manchester, NH, a press release contained a quote from Miss Duff that has sent seismic rumblings through the artist community.

The Duff quote has artists such as Joni Mitchell, Carly Simon, Aretha Franklin and, yes, even Barbara Streisand, shamefaced at their antiquity and many have reportedly gone into seclusion to think about their future in the creative arts.

"I give up," Ms. Mitchell is reported to have said.

The press release states, and we quote verbatim here: "If you thought you knew film, TV and pop music star Hilary Duff before, think again. Her new, self-titled Hollywood Records album ... shows the remarkable growth spurt she has undergone." The press release was issued Dec. 7, 2004.

It is the following quote, attributed directly to Miss Duff in the Verizon Wireless Arena press release, that has caused this outpouring of grief in the worldwide artistic community.

"Compared to the first album, when I wasn't confident enough to make suggestions, this time around I was very involved," said Duff about the recording process of Hilary Duff. "I worked with the songwriters, telling them what was happening in my life, and what I wanted to sing about. If I thought it needed to be more heavy, more rock, I said so. I feel that this record is so much more me. I can't wait for people to hear it."

Poets and writers across the world found themselves staring at blank pages of paper wondering why, for years, for decades, for a lifetime, they had done all the heavy lifting themselves. Why hadn't the lightning bolt of inspiration hit them, as it has, once again, the incredibly beautiful, rich and talented Miss Duff?

"I used to tell people my inner thoughts, what I was feeling," said Joni Mitchell when reached one afternoon in Montana. "We would be talking, reading, singing, playing guitar all night long. Sometimes I'd take what I said, or what Bobby said, or Joanie, and I'd craft a little poem. Sweat blood for it. Write out ... each ... little ... fucking ... word."
The anger was palpable and Miss Mitchell's cigarette was vibrating between her fingers.

"And then I could either get the tune right away, as though I had dug it up out of the ... out of the earth. There I go again trying to find just the right word, the right phrase. But sometimes it would take weeks to find the right riff, the tone, the..."

But the words, no longer angry but simply defeated, trailed off, as wispy and ephemeral as the shadow of her cigarette smoke.

On the fax machine at Aretha Franklin's office was a message containing the titles of some of the new tunes from the Hilary Duff album. Franklin, her hands quaking, read the words: "Weird", "Haters", "Do You Want Me", "Rock This World" and "Fly."

"When I read this song title 'Weird'," said the Godmother of Soul, "I think that Hilary must have been feeling kind of weird that day. I don't think it, I know it. I feel it. It just comes right through and hits you between the eyes. 'Haters.' A word like that, you know, that kind of word just doesn't trip off the average person's tongue. You need a special, what is it, a special... Oh! How I wish Hilary was here so I could tell her what I was feeling! She'd know!"

There was even a vicious argument zipping back and forth on every possible mode of communication between the members of such diverse bands as Green Day, Good Charlotte, Velvet Revolver, the White Stripes, Tenacious D, Metallica -- even such old stalwarts as Bon Jovi, Van Halen and Aerosmith -- all of whom had a member claiming to have helped Hilary shape the words "Rock This World."

"For years, man, we were fuckin' tryin' to put how we felt and what we were doin' into fuckin' words, man, and I was talkin' to Hilary, man, saying I just wanted to fuckin' shake it up," said rocker Fred Durst. "And she fuckin' lays down the hammer and fuckin' says, Freddie, I know it, man, it's like rockin' this world, man. When I get on stage, she says, I just want to rock this world. And, of course, whew! Man! There is was! It was like every single moment in rock history rolled into fuckin' one, man! Wow! Now three, four fuckin' generations of rock bands, man, now have a fuckin' voice. We're fuckin' free! I can look around and say to these other guys, you know what we're doin'? We're rockin' this world! Rockin' it! Only somebody like Hilary could put it together."

"I've never seen anybody convey their feelings to the actual creative team the way Hilary Duff does," said legendary producer Clive Davis. "I used to listen to Miles Davis, or a Lou Reed, and they would try to tell a reporter what they were trying to accomplish -- and it was laughable, really. They stumbled and stammered. But not Hilary. She'll say, 'I'm sad.' Or: 'I'm hungry.' Or, 'Where's my iPod.' And then we have a brand new shiny song."

Lohan

But just as the genealogy of this monster revolution seemed clear, it was not. Movie star and budding pop idol Lindsay Lohan said to Access Hollywood, "I was the one who pioneered this %&*#."

But in true artistic fashion, Lohan didn't let her emotion go to waste. She immediately huddled with a team of writers and producers in Los Angeles. She told them her feelings, and they pounded out a crushing dance groove for the new single.

Lohan's "That Bitch" should be in stores soon.

Media bloviators suck wind on Election Night

By Lars Trodson

The results are in and it's true: The old, white media bloviators on the networks have served more time on TV than the oldest member of the ancient Soviet Politburo, where it was patriotic to die in office just after passing one's 90th birthday.

As the election night dragged on, the white, white-haired pundits wheezed and huffed through their arid analyses, all of them puffing out of their suits like so many blow-dried penguins.

Larry King looked so tired as he tried to figure out what Wolf Blitzer was saying he had to prop his head up by resting his chin on his hand.

MSNBC's Chris Matthews set a record for describing each new non-event as "interesting." "This is so interesting," Matthews told his audience 1,042 times, one time for each viewer, apparently.

CNN's Jeff Greenfield, who had obviously been listening to Joe Scarborough on MSNBC, sleepwalked through his analysis and looked a bit ashen. Blitzer, in a moment of confusion, gave electoral college votes to "President Kerry." As cadaverous as Fox's Brit Hume looked, he still looked better than the Gollum-like Carl Cameron.

The only fun of the night: the dagger-like stares emitting from Andrea Mitchell's eyes every time Scarborough interrupted her to offer another pearl of wisdom on MSNBC. The only problem for Mitchell was that Scarborough, as annoying as he is, was right most of the time.

And where was the ubiquitous Howard Fineman? Obviously blowdrying his beautiful copper-colored hair and rethinking his plans to join a Kerry admin. Maybe he can call the White House and convince the Bushies he wasn't THAT much of a Kerry sycophant.

Fan writes moving letter to embattled media icon

I'm sorry to hear about your recent troubles, but I think they will only serve to deepen your already profound understanding of the human condition and to continue your unparalleled commitment to guys like me, "Joe Six-Pack."

Anyway, as to why I'm writing. I know you've been looking out for me, Bill. And I've been sticking with you, too. I've been helping the cause for the little guy like me by buying all your Factor gear, all the stuff you sell online, and it certainly gives me comfort to look at all my Factor mugs and tee shirts and other stuff that I have in my little room here. I buy your books, too, although I have to admit I haven't read them.

At any rate, Bill, I did something at work a little while back. You see, I followed your advice about not making excuses for myself, about admitting when I'm wrong, about taking it like a man. When I admitted to my faults, Bill, I did it because you gave me such good advice, over and over again, and because I knew that you, too, would admit to anything if you were also ever caught in a jam.

Well, I liked this girl at work, see, and you can relate to that, Bill, and she liked me, or so I thought. I'd call her up at home and tell her some things I thought would make her feel good, things like taking her on vacation, or how to make love like a porn star (I bought Ms. Jameson's book because it seemed you liked Jenna, too, Bill), or what we could do together in the shower.

Well, get this, Bill. She was no friend. She actually TAPED our conversations and she went to management and guess what? They asked me about it, and I thought to myself, well, what would Bill do? I said he wouldn't spin it. He'd take responsibility for it, if he ever did such a thing - which he would never do, but anyway. Besides, I'm no idiot Democrat. I don't find fault or blame for my actions. I'm no VICTIM. I admitted to it, and guess what, Bill?

They fired me.

I don't really have any money for high-priced lawyers, or even a low-priced lawyer for that matter, Bill. So now I'm out after 17 years at the plant.

And worse.

I don't need to tell you that things aren't going so well right now, Bill. While I sure am happy I can still watch you every night - luckily we have TV time at 8 o'clock - and know you're still looking out for me. Because when I look at you, Bill, I feel comfort and happiness knowing the system works exactly as it always has, and you, with your tireless efforts of late, are continuing to make sure of that.

Yes, sir. I sure am proud of you. And I know that you are proud of me for owning up to my mistakes and admitting my flaws, no matter what the cost. I may be out of a job and in jail, but I have my integrity intact.

I just want to let you know that when I get back on my feet I'll buy a whole new bunch of Factor stuff, because I know if I do that they'll keep you on the air, and it'll give you the energy and support you'll need to keep looking out for the little guy - me. I'll do that, just as soon as I finish up my sentence and get back into the workplace.

And, rest assured, Bill, even though I'm in prison here I'll keep taking it like a man. Just as you would, I'm sure.

Thanks for the great advice over the years, Bill.
You're the best,

Tad Toesucker
Poughkeepsie Correctional Facility

Two soldiers write about the depravity of war

One of the burning questions of this political season is whether John Kerry participated in or was witness to acts of depravity while a navy officer during Vietnam. The question has opened up old wounds -- wounds not quite yet healed -- from 30 years ago. Kerry testified before Congress in the early 1970s and repeated what some of his fellow soldiers had told him about atrocities committed during battle.

But the very nature of the debate underscores, as it should, the insanity of war. War creates an atmosphere where decent people are thrown into a cauldron of madness, where the rules of engagement change overnight, and where opportunities for inhuman behavior present themselves when they otherwise, in a less violent world, would not.

It is easy for us, on the sidelines, to condemn what happened at Abu Ghraib prison, or at Buchenwald, for that matter -- because we were not there. Would all of us have acted just as inhumanly, as we would like to believe we never would? That's the scary thing. Or would we have risen above the actions of the mob to be the voice of sanity? We don't know.

But while we consider the question of whether John Kerry is telling the truth or not, we can listen to two different accounts from two different wars, both of which unveil the sense of anger and chaos that war can cause. One, from the Civil War, is told by an unnamed Connecticut soldier who recounts a disgusting episode of casual bigotry. And the other is from World War II veteran Lenny Bruce, who unleashes a torrent of lingering resentment during a drug-besotted concert in 1962.

Did John Kerry witness acts of depravity during Vietnam? Maybe, maybe not. But he had many brothers in arms who, unfortunately, had.

This is from an issue of the Connecticut War Record, published in 1864:

The 21st (Conn. Volunteers) were ordered on board the Transport "John Farren," but were subsequently disembarked and returned to their position in the 'Rifle Pits.' We were again ordered to embark, and returned to the boat for that purpose. Arriving at the wharf we found that through some misunderstanding of the Quartermaster, the 'John Farren,' which was laden with all our baggage, had been completely loaded down with negroes and their baggage. The way those darkies and effects were transferred from the boat to the shore 'was a caution' to the 'poor emancipated Africans.' After the negroes were all disembarked our men were ordered on board to unload the baggage, and mounting the hurricane deck, where it had been packed away, they charged upon the confused mass of African possessions and commenced transferring them in a very unceremonious manner to the wharf. The scene which followed baffles description - and I doubt if the history of the whole war can present a like scene, or the Emancipation Proclamation of Father Abraham ever called forth another such sight. Feather beds fell like snow flakes, only rather more forcibly, upon the heads of frantic searchers for 'their own' household goods. Bedding, clothing, all manner of domestic goods, filled the air and fell like rain in one confused and inextricable mass. Wenches displaying the pluck and muscle of a Hercules in giving punishment to some luckless darkey, who in her fruitless search for her undiscovered property had invaded the rights of another.

Hooped skirts were hurled gracefully from the deck to come down enveloping some corpulent wench, and adding to her wrath, already rampant. Some were crying, some laughing, some fighting, and all wrangled amid the shower of 'bag and baggage,' which 'mingling fell.' And thus we left them, to be subsequently conveyed to Newbern, but if they ever live to sort that baggage they will exceed the average length of African longevity.

Yes, well. And this is a report from the liberators.

On Dec. 4, 1964, Lenny Bruce performed at the Gate of Horn nightclub. "Let the buyer beware," the emcee intones, probably for two reasons. Bruce was known not just for his comedy, but for his well-known use of obscenities. At this concert, he also seems to be quite stoned.

Nonetheless, even under the influence, Bruce could be funny and devastating. Here, he is slashing, as he asks the question "Why are Americans hated everywhere?" He answers it by recounting what he says happened between American soldiers and the Europeans who were needing some of the things the Americans carried. It isn't a happy tale, nor was it meant to be.

"I think I did a little more traveling than anyone in this audience. I think I've been on more invasions than anyone in this audience. I was on six. I made some real daddies. I was on a cruiser called the USS Brooklyn. I was a 2nd class gunners mate. I was [unintelligible] from '42 to '45 July -- that's when Germany fell, in July. Doing it's dirty. They hate Americans everywhere, do you know why? Because they fucked all their mothers for chocolate bars and don't you forget that, jim. You don't think those kids have heard that since 1942? 'You know what those Americans did to your poor mother?' They lined her up those bastards -- your father had to throw up his poor guts in the kitchen while he waited out there and that master sergeant schtupped your poor mother for their stinkin' coffee and their eggs and their friggin' cigarettes. Those Americans. That's it, jim. That's all they've heard, those kids. Those kids are now 23, 25 years old. The Americans. There's the guy that did it to my mother. Would you assume that they would say 'There's the guy who fucked my mother. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you for that and for giving us candy?"

Lenny Bruce was arrested later in that performance and today it's easy to ask: Was Bruce arrested for swearing, or for saying things like the above which you could imagine were the things no one, ever, wanted to hear?

War makes people do things and say things they'd rather never have done in the first place and it certainly makes them do things they'd just as soon forget.

One way, of course, to avoid this heartache is to not put people in this terrible and unfair situation in the first place.