Thanksgiving blessing #1
Thank you, O Lord, for the food we are about to eat. For
thy roasted birdie, thy yams and mincemeat.
Thank you for thy prodigious mountains of mashed potatoes,
slathered with thick brown scoops from thy decorative gravy
boat, next to steaming piles of green-bean casserole and stuffing.
O yes, the stuffing ... Lord, please bless the dried cubes
of bread and zesty seasonings which we have crammed into the
gullet of Your divine creation, the turkey, after reverently
yanking out his giblets.
And thank you for keeping us safe from harm when the knives
and forks start flying and we dig into that can of cranberry
sauce, sitting up in the cupboard since the Reagan era, that
tangy, cylinder of jiggly crimson goo emblazoned with the
words "best if served by Dec. 92."
We pray unto thee, O Lord, that we may not suffer severe
gastrointestinal discomfort after we shovel the bounty of
thy heaping plates into our unworthy pieholes.
And forgive Uncle John, Benevolent Father, for not finishing
his fifth helping of turkey and dumping it in the trash, while
skinny orphans in third-world countries rub their bloated
tummies and cry, wondering why they have no oven-browned Pillsbury
Thank you, O Lord, for thy fermented grape. You know, the
wine, which Thou hast provided to make us feel tingly or perhaps
to knock us on our butts if we imbibe to freely.
And thank you, Heavenly Father, for the football we are about
to receive ... on your wondrous invention, the TV. Please
bless Bill Parcels so his Cowboys may pummel the Bears and
bring gridiron glory unto Thee. (A Chicago fumble in the 4th
quarter could help, O Lord.)
We ask that You grant us safe holiday travel, O Divine Traffic
Controller, protect us from road rage and from that idiot
babbling into a cellphone and swerving into our lane as his
unruly brats scream "Are we there yet?"
We beg you, Dear Lord, to keep one omniscient eye on our
president as he does his best not to accidentally touch off
World War III or some fiery nuke-u-lar armegeddon.
And please accept our humble thanks, Supreme Creator, for
endowing our turkey with tryptophan so we may drift off in
peaceful slumber, blissfully safe for a while from unpleasant
intrusions by terrorists and the Patriot Act.
Blessed are You, Divine Father and Heavenly Pal , for filling
our grateful hearts with hope and our rumbling stomachs with
Thanksgiving blessing #2
Dear Lord --
Thank you for the food we are about to eat. And thank you
for giving us a stomach, esophagus and intestines to digest
and draw life-sustaining nourishment from your heaping bounty.
And thank you, O invisible man in the sky, for giving us
a brain so that we may try to make sense of this crazy world
of yours ... so that, together, we may find a way to replace
hatred and war with love and peace.
And thank you for giving us a heart, your wise compassionate
heart, to keep the beat as we sing a song of love for friends,
family and all humanity.
Thank you for these and so many other wonderful and beautiful
things. You are indeed the man (unless you are a woman or
an androgynous gender-neutral deity). Anyway, thank you for
creating us. We owe you one and will do our best to care for
your world and all its creatures.
A dysfunctional family Thanksgiving
If you're scrapping around for something to be thankful for
this Thursday, count your blessings that you'll never have
to spend Thanksgiving at Uncle Ma and Aunt Pa's house down
off'm Greenleaf Parsons Road in York, Maine.
There's a lot of yelling, a little scuffling and some right
poor manners. But at least ain't nobody lost a finger since
'82 -- knock wood -- when we had to shut off Uncle Ma from
carving the turkey for good.
Last year things started to get out of hand early when an
argument flared up between Aunt Pa (short for Pauline) and
Grandma Weezie over where the Pilgrims had the first Thanksgiving
dinner back in 1621.
Pa insisted that the feast took place at the Plymouth Colony
down in Massachusetts. But Weezie, who still has most of her
wits about her at 110, swore that the Mayflower gang drove
a bunch of wagons to the top of Mount Agamenticus for a meal
consisting primarily of lobster and sauteed kelp.
"Don't get my dandruff up," yelled Weezie, as Baby
Cyrus spewed niblets onto his Speed Racer bib. "It's
well-known that Miles Standish used to haul his traps out
of York Harbor from a skiff named the Mayflower Marie. Hmmph,
"Yeah, whatever," said Pa, who went back to shellacking
her 53-pound turkey with a pungent concoction of parsnip brandy
and pumpkin-flavored cough syrup that she borrowed from the
But it was too late. Weezie was on a tear. "Don't you
be bad-mouthing them Pilgrims, especially that one that wrote
the Decoration of Indy-Pendants. They's heroes. Heroes! Ain't
that right, Mr. Bojingly?"
Now, Mr. Bojingly didn't answer right off, mostly because
he was a chimp and didn't speak English too well. Uncle Ma
(short for Maurice) had gotten him for Weezie to help out
with chores around her shack. Mr. Bojingly instead just flicked
a dollop of corn-pone batter at Aunt Pa.
Weezie went on to say she'd seen a float in the Macy's Thanksgiving
Day parade where Regis Philbin and a bunch of shameless fake
Pilgrims were gyrating to the beat of "Who Let the Dogs
Out?" under the shadow of a 90-foot-tall "Hillary
for President" balloon.
Fortunately it was almost time to eat. Spread out on the
table before us was a cornucopia of traditional family favorites,
some of them you may recall from the writeup I done a couple
years ago around this time.
Oh, there was Kung Pow chipmunk and scallion Jello. Spam
pot pie and Weezie's five-alarm fruit salad. Baked stuffed
chinchilla and a new recipe that Aunt Pa called "bowl
"I hope everybody's hungry," said Pa, as she opened
the stove and began to pull out the bird.
Ma's two pit bulls, Patches and Carnivorous Rex, edged closer
to the oven as Pa struggled with the majestic 53-pound specimen.
Just then the turkey crashed to the floor and the dogs attacked,
devouring the helpless bird like a pair of mad, furry piranhas.
When the snarling canines finally finished their job, a horrified
silence fell over the kitchen. Then Carnivorous Rex burped
up the wishbone. Fortunately Pa just reached further back
in the oven and pulled out another turkey, slightly bigger
than the first.
"I always like to cook a backup bird," explained
Pa. "You never know when them pit bulls is gonna act
When we took our places around the table, the usual dispute
erupted over whether to simply thank the Good Lord for the
bounty before us or, as Weezie suggested, to pray for an end
to the hostilities in South Berwick and a speedy recovery
for Idiot Third Cousin Twice Removed Jimmy, who was suffering
from a neurological disorder that Weezie called "polio
of the mind."
Jimmy just grinned and started jabbering. But Weezie cut
him off before he could advance his repugnant theories about
the superiority of white meat over dark.
Auntie Tums wanted to petition the Lord for U.S. sanctions
against North Korea and a benevolent, omniscient solution
to the troubles facing Social Security and Medicare.
Ma proposed an amendment under which we would box up our
leftovers and mail them to the starving people of the Sudan.
But Pa countered that a taste of his special 43-bean salad
might make a real difference to the folks in East Timor.
The next 45 minutes were a surreal, audiovisual blur of knives
and forks gnashing, glasses clinking, tangled arms and murmurs
of "Please pass the ferret."
We were all pretty stuffed and exhausted when it came time
for dessert. But that didn't stop any of us from gorging ourselves
on Auntie Tums' Deep-Dish Mincemeat Meringue Pie, winner of
a brown ribbon at the Cape Neddick Fair. Or from laughing
like hyenas when Mr. Bojingly spilled some banana souffle
on his crisp white Armani shirt.
Y'all are welcome to come by on Thursday. But if you do,
make sure to tell Aunt Pa that hers is the best dang roasted
salamander gizzard you've ever tasted.
Humor Gazette editor John Breneman swears that any resemblance
to actual Breneman family members in the above story is purely
Clinton the Librarian
Four American presidents join forces
in Arkansas to fight for truth, justice
and the American way.
By John Breneman
It was raining presidents at the president-filled grand opening
of a library honoring the reign of President William Jefferson
The star-studded stage outside the glistening William J.
Clinton Presidential Center was flooded with presidential
testosterone as the War President, the Wimp President and
the Peanut President all paid tribute to the Penis President.
Hoping to project unity to the divided and hopelessly confused
nation, the two Democratic and two Republican presidents were
all hugs and kisses for the cameras, except when President
Bush Sr. said how much he "hated" Clinton for beating
his ass in a debate and for being 10 times more charismatic
The current President Bush had kind words for Clinton, saying
that in the soft focus of history he is "not such a scumbag
Red and blue TV viewers in now-quiet battleground states
sat on the edge of their seats as media pundits gushed about
Clinton the "rock star" and how his legacy will
be forever semen-stained by sex with a groupie.
Two of Clinton's rock star buddies, Bono and the Edge of
U2, were the headline performers for a crowd that included
noted standup comics Robin Williams and Karl Rove. Noted non-president
John Kerry was also on hand, sporting a $27,000 L.L. Bean
Rain-Buster kevlar umbrella.
The $165 million glass-and-steel Clinton center is the most
expensive library ever erected, partly because extra square
footage was needed to house the former president's expansive
collection of pornography and sex scandal member-abilia.
The structure features a dimly lit "porn alcove"
with rare XXX titles like "Midnight Filibuster"
and "Hillary Does Congress," and an interactive
exhibit where visitors can experience the heady sensation
of taking a puff of marijuana without actually inhaling.
penned with company ink
Armchair pundits offer electric chair
Speculation now shifts to whether the heartless,
Viagra-popping Peterson's complete lack of a human
soul will hurt him during death penalty deliberations.
By John Breneman
Now that a jury has found California psycho Scott Peterson
guilty of killing his wife and unborn son, the sensational
round-the-clock media coverage shifts to whether Peterson
will get the death penalty.
Public opinion is divided on whether Peterson should live
or die, but polls show there is near universal agreement on
one thing - the Scott Peterson "story" must be put
to death as soon as possible.
"Death penalty, life in prison ... doesn't matter to
me. That murdering scum deserves whatever they give him,"
said a man on the street. "But I'll tell you, I'm sick
of how the media has been beating this case to death. I swear
if they don't let up I may go on a spree myself."
Though several legal analysts pointed out they had predicted
a verdict might be reached on Friday, none had a clue how
inane their commentary sounded when woven together with other
similarly obvious and repetitive soundbites.
When word came late Friday that the verdict was first-degree
murder, the same legal analysts were reintroduced as armchair
electric chair experts to speculate about whether the clone-faced
Peterson will live or die ... or use the appeals court process
to haunt us eternally from some media overkill netherworld.
tip of the hat to Arafat
By John Breneman
Yasser Arafat is dead, but his legacy as a world leader in
stylish headgear lives on.
As his followers mourn by firing bullets into the air and
hoping they don't pierce too many skulls on the way down,
geopolitical haberdashery analysts agree that Arafat's monumental
contributions to hatwear will be remembered long after the
pesky Israeli-Palestinian conflict is resolved.
since Abe Lincoln and his legendary stovepipe tophat has one
man had such a profound impact on the history of headgear,"
said Richard "Cappy" Stetson, chairman of the prestigious
Fedora Institute. "Castro, Bush, Hamid Karzai over in
Afghanistan... These guys all wear hats from time to time,
but nobody can touch Arafat. I once saw him craft an exquisite,
Allah-approved turban out of a discarded Wal-Mart bag."
Now that Arafat, a 12-time winner of the United Nations'
coveted "Best Hat" award, no longer sports a living
head on which to display his famous checkered tablecloth,
it is believed that other world leaders are eager to fill
spokesman for Pope John Paul said the pontiff has privately
admitted he would love to cap his distinguished career with
the U.N. hat prize but understands the competition is intense,
with Fidel Castro reportedly working on a drab olive green
number that his valet says "combines the flair of the
Blues Brothers with the timeless barbarism of Idi Amin."
President Jiang Zemin has been spotted in a tri-cornered Colonial-era
number that is said to be black with gold trim. he C.I.A.
has picked up some "chatter" indicating that Osama
bin Laden has been experimenting with a jaunty straw hat.
And the Iranians are said to be developing a baseball cap
composed entirely of enriched uranium.
President Bush, meanwhile, has publicly downplayed the post-Arafat
hat scenario. Aides say they are urging Bush to stick with
cowboy hats and fighter pilot helmets, but Bush is said to
prefer a red, white and blue dunce cap with a nifty propeller
word from your president
"My fellow Americans..."
President Bush 'out,' media 'in' as
biggest thing to complain about in '05
By John Breneman
Following through on his pledge to heal the bitterly divided
nation, President Bush joined Sen. John Kerry today to introduce
a bipartisan national dialogue about the sorry state of "the
Republicans hold contempt for the elite liberal media as
exemplified by the New York Times, while Democrats blast organizations
like Fox News for brainwashing gullible viewers with right-wing
And polls show growing disgust over the Media's failure to
provide the citizenry with the complete, unbiased information
it needs to make decisions vital to our democracy.
In fact, many are now blaming the Media for failing to prevent
the war in Iraq by more vigorously questioning the president
and his men about the phony weapons of mass destruction and
the dishonest effort to link Saddam Hussein and Osama bin
The Media could not be reached for comment, but an anonymous
source close to the media said Howard Fineman will be covering
the story in this week's Newsweek, then pontificating about
it on Crossfire, Hardball, The O'Reilly Factor and Imus in
A recent Humor Gazette tracking poll reveals that
83% of all GOP voters say they support President George
W. Bush's strong leadership in waging the war on truth.
Poll reveals Bush favored by
mushroom cloud enthusiasts
Below are the results of the latest Humor Gazette tracking
52% of registered voters say they feel
safer despite living in a "battleground state."
42% of Republican voters
say they believe Arnold Schwarzenegger will help President
Bush defeat the "terrorist girly men."
84% of feel safer under
Bush because he was so effective in preventing the 9/11 attacks
and capturing Osama bin Laden.
70% of brainwashed Republicans
believe President Bush's campaign pledge that John Kerry will
take all their money and let terrorists kill them.
92% of oil industry executives
say they feel safer under President Bush because he is not
afraid to wage war on the environment.
21% of conservative doomsday
enthusiasts say they support Bush because they are curious
to see what a mushroom cloud looks like.
86% of FOX News viewers
say Kerry is unfit for command because ... "flip-flop,"
"global test," and "gay daughter."
79% of FOX News viewers
believe the president is a stronger military leader than the
war hero Kerry, even though Bush ducked Vietnam then went
AWOL from the cushy National Guard post his daddy got him.
61% of all Worldwide Wrestling
Federation fans believe Teresa Heinz Kerry would shred Laura
Bush if a steel-cage First Lady catfight death-match were
74% of conservative pundits
believe Bush grimaced Kerry into submission in the first debate.
54% of Republicans support
Bush because they believe he is pro-Christ.
49% of Democrats oppose
Bush because they believe he is the anti-Christ.
81% of all southern Republicans
believe the words "Massachusetts liberal" mean "flip-flopping
73% of young Republicans
say Bush has the edge due to his experience as a fraternity
president at the electoral college.
92% of all Americans believed
Bush when he promised to capture bin Laden "dead or alive."
62% believed Bush when
he said bin Laden's best friend Saddam Hussein definitely
had weapons of mass destruction.
41% of GOP propaganda
enthusiasts believed President Bush when he dressed up in
a military flightsuit and said "Mission Accomplished."
63% of Democrats think
stem-cell research offers hope for a cure to President Bush's
rare form of cerebral dysfunction.
87% of registered voters
aren't sure if they live in a red state or a blue state.
Finally, approximately 50 percent of all voters appear
to have been hoodwinked by the most dangerous American president
of all time.